snowball in hell

down the rabbithole

any other vintage gothkids or vampire introverts with time to kill? it's alice week over at the lost & found : my other blog

we're halfway through with recarpeting our upstairs since we've had to break the job up to allow for moving furniture etc.. but i'm enjoying autumn now from my own sweet vampire suite/room & we're getting rain here in portland, neighbors are burning leaves, my wonderland pansies are dying.. halloween cometh.

this thom yorke inspired poem of mine got hidden in the last post's comments, so i thought i'd bring it out here..

climbing up the walls (ghost version)
/keys to the gallery

i am the key to the lock in your house
that keeps your toys in the basement
& if you get too far inside
you'll only see my reflection
i am the crying monster
i am the toyroom mouse
i am the sad soldier
i am the closet skeleton
i am the pinecone collector
i am the holes in your socks
do not cry out or hit the alarm
you know we're friends till we die
i am the little raven
i am the stealer of butterflies
i am the little train that couldn't
i am rags
i am the forgotten birthday bear
i am the doll with her head full of Everything
i am the broken clown
& either way you turn i'll be there
open up your skull, i'll be there
climbing up the walls
i am the listener
i am the autumn butterfly
i am the bride of quiet
i am the good vampire
i am the real ghost
i am the frozen charlotte out in the cold
stalactites & stalagmites
rows of never opened doors
& one day i froze up like this

on a related note, as i've been moving/reorganizing all my ghostgallery art & dollscapes i realized rags is lost.. he's not really lost though, i just can't find him, he's probably lost somewhere in the toyroom.. that's ok, we all need a beautiful place to get lost sometimes.. with me it has been in my snowcave or an rpg, or usually just haunting my own ghost gallery.. come join me there if you are curious,

bren/ghost & toxic

ps chill emu! chill!

continued in the comments.. (link below)

summer is over.

so summer is over. have you done your halloween decorating yet? we have..

i've been pulling skeletons out of my closet & hanging them around the house where we can enjoy them glowing at night.. not going out for our usual halloween shopping this year, but stocking up on videogames to see us through what will hopefully be a long cool autumn & winter with lots of snow? please?

so if you're like we are here & have time to explore from home i'd like to extend this cordial invitation to you to visit my vast labyrinthine multiverse of albums & galleries, from the lost & found vintage toy blog, where i'm in my 10th year of daily posts of vintage toys & books & pop culture nostalgia, to gumbyland, now over 20 years old, to the ghostgallery.. 3 long hallways of art including drawings & paintings, haunted mini houses & dollscapes, nature photography & old cemeteries, all with music & ending with the elaborate rows of never opened doors.. a lifetime of art & writing, including abstract paintings, mysterious journal entries & dreams, or often nightmares.. lately i'm still working on my experiments, & posting my new spooky toys to share..

so if you're oldschool like i am & are on a laptop or pc so the music will play properly (if you're on a phone please don't bother) why not follow me down the rabbithole & into my own dark & twisted wonderland?  just click here..

gumbyland

the ghost gallery
(enter here & then click at bottom to go to the 2nd & 3rd gallery hallways)

rowsofneveropeneddoors
(there are many hidden things here..)

lost & found toys

the mini houses

our nature trails

my photo albums

if you're on twitter, insta or youtube, you can follow me here:

ghostatthegate

ghostatthegate

strungoutandthin

& please subscribe to raven's youtube gaming channel & help out a really expert level game player who is as of yet undiscovered ;)

ravenmoonx

this blog is 15 years old & has a strange history, once it was a busy place, but then for awhile i stopped posting & it became a true ghostblog, went quiet until i exhumated it & began posting again a few years later.. all comments here are welcome, & you can peruse the old posts here using the archive anytime..
continued as usual in the comments..
(see link below)

bren/ghost

 

there's no place like home

i've said it before, vampires don't do summer.
so we survived the freakish heat event here that broke all time heat records at 118.
& now my mysterious monster of a husband is home recovering from surgery to remove his lymph nodes & a cancerous melanoma, along with a big chunk of his arm. but just venturing out into the heat & traffic to take him to & from the hospital was hideous. so much traffic, with me melting inside my hoodie trying to protect my lily white self from sun allergy, it smelled like skunks out. yeah, finally getting home to my dark cool vampire lair & the ac i felt just like dorothy at the end of the wizard of oz..

'& this is My Room.. & you're all here.. & i'm not going to leave here Ever Ever again!'
(i've theorized before that dorothy went on to live an agoraphobic life after that, away from traumatizing munchkins & flying monkeys, dealing with her ptsd privately..)
i'm never going outside again..
..well, at least until fall.

so i've tried to finally fix the problem of all my audio/music being stolen from my various albums, art links & such, at least on the newer links & all the ones in the sidebars here & at the lost & found toy blog too.. hopefully this fixes this longstanding troublesome issue.

tomorrow's the dreaded 4th of july & all fireworks, legal & otherwise are banned here due to the dangerous conditions, but you know, people are careless morons, yesterday the eagle creek trail finally reopened after the big fire 3 years ago that had us so scared of evacuation, thanks to one idiot with fireworks.
at least we have an air purifier now in the house in case of toxic smoke again this fire season..

i seem to be cursed to remain at 111 lbs despite ongoing efforts to eat better & stay healthy & calm.. haha.

we've had some painting & repairs caught up as we're able here, still more to go before we reach the end of this tunnel.. & kitties. i need kitties.
continued as always in the comments..
(click link below post) 

bren/ghost

vault forever - surface never

i'm notoriously not a spring person.
that said, here are some screengrabs of my latest home movie: the ghost closet
(or antifashion in the time of coronavirus)

no one seems to be around
they must've all gone off without me again
i think i'll head home

maybe i'll find them gathered 'round my doorstep
oh to sleep in a comfortable bed

no one seems to be around
they must've all gone off
without me again
i think i'll head home
i think i'll head home

there's someone i'd like to see
she never mentions a word to me
she reads Leviathan

i think i'll head home
i think i'll head home
i think i'll head home..

if all that grows starts to fade, starts to falter
oh let me inside, let me inside, not to wait
let all that run through the fields
through the quiet
go on with their own
on with their own hidden ways

when all the newness of gold travels far from
where it had once been
born like the earth over years

& when the acts of man
cause the ground to break open
oh let me inside, let me inside, not to wait

great are the sounds of all that live
& all that man can hold..

i have been cruel & kind without knowing
i fell into silence overwhelmed by these days
for i have been shown empty rulers
ruling all things

thinking the world was mine to lay hold of
i breathed in the promise of maiden & man
but each had their own illusions to hold onto

i only want to be left to my own ways
the rulers have won leaving all things undone

i stood in awe of the whole creation
gathered among them was the morning
giving all its rest

thinking the world was mine to be lost in
i ran with the freedom & sang in between

for i had the path of wonder
there before me..

i must be careful now in my steps
years of calculations & the stress

let me not get down if i'm walking with no one
& if i stumble from exhaustion

let me not be too consumed with this world
sometimes i want to go home
& stay out of sight for a long time

let me not be too concerned with this world
sometimes i want to go home
& stay out of sight for a long time..

all lyrics by midlake..

bren/ghost

out in the cold

so like so many others we've been snowed in awhile.. as someone who loves the snow this was a special treat, but i must say, ice is really not fun at all.

& this particular thaw was a tad traumatizing in its suddenness & severity. like we were caught under a giant ice machine pelting out ice-cubes on us & our house, only the ice-cubes were big. like throwing glass coke bottles at our skylights & windows from all the giant surrounding fir trees. as an infj my nervous system is hypersensitive & i felt like a kitty with my big eyes in, hearing every sound hitting all around the house & roof at once, till i thought i'd run down the hall really fast & get under the bed.. but i didn't, & we made it through intact, without any cracks or breaking.. (well, the house did anyway.)

as we've had to be creative in filling our time these days our valentine's day was spent having yet another board game match between me & mr dad. i'd won the last 2, so mr dad chose the games this time.. & this time he won!
(pix here in my around the bend photo album)

a special post over at the lost & found includes a coloring book i created out of some of my ghost gallery art as a valentine to anyone interested.. i baked mr dad his traditional marionberry pie & raven has chosen the games for the next game match ;)

have i mentioned i need a new radiohead album?

continued in the comments as usual..

bren/ghost

2021

something new at the ghost gallery:
give up the ghost (sound up)

radiohead/give up the ghost

don't hurt me
don't haunt me
don't hurt me
don't haunt me

gather up the lost and sold (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't haunt me)

gather up the pitiful (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't haunt me)
into your arms (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't haunt me)

what seems impossible (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't hurt me)

i think i have had my fill (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't haunt me)
into your arms (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't haunt me)

i think i should give up the ghost (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't haunt me)
into your arms (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't haunt me)
into your arms (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't haunt me)
into your arms (don't hurt me)
into your arms (don't haunt me)

so each night when i try to sleep i tell myself i tried my best, & that has to be good enough these days..
i've given up trying to patch up typepad's many issues dropping my images & sound up at the ghost gallery albums & rowsofneveropeneddoors..
i don't know that i'll ever feel heard or understood really.. hope it wasn't all for naught.
hanging on by my fingernails healthwise at around 113 lbs, but still hopeful on good days..
3 little kittens. that's the light at the end of this tunnel for us.
if i can get well we will each rescue/adopt a kitten, & that will be reason enough for me to try to keep living for another 20 years..
we just need to stop getting more tunnel?
wish we'd get snow..

bren/ghost & toxic

freeze warning

i think the screaming wind said my name
significance found in rocks
then the mountain slowly blowing
and the river
lost wisdom returns
and the sound of the river sighing
here's your home
under the ashes waking up
and the blue dusk slowly revealing
seeing the moon in the middle of the day
the gleaming stone
cuts streams i've been living, sleeping
now the whole world is flaming
or is it clouds rising through the trees
on the ridge?
i know the world is a flaming house
and what i hold
i will be grieving
and lost wisdom returns
watching dust dancing
living a long life growing towards form
the wind is persistently fleeting
and the song that cuts through the fog sometimes
is lost in rainy evenings
wrapped in fog
in the depths of the house
i followed a sound further in
and i saw you..

the screaming wind said my name..

we're under a freeze warning.
and just like that the cold returns
and i can sleep.
i'm the sort of creature that loves to hibernate
just cover me with leaves..

but with sleep comes nightmares
this time i was very sick, riding somewhere in the car with my husband
our old vw bug from ages ago, with my window wide open..
when suddenly i was sucked outside by the wind
and was hanging onto the edge of the door
by my fingers just barely
he didn't notice for a long time
and even then he didn't stop the car
to let me back in..

nightmare (sound up to hear the essential music along with the art)

when the terrors became too much for me
i made a decision and reached out
to an old friend to talk to..
just doing that has made all the difference
even so, i'm feeling like a ghost and retreating..

continuing in the comments..

(lyrics from lost wisdom part 2 by mount eerie)

the darkest corner of the house

so it's spider season. migraineurs know about blackout panels, well ever since i installed them i've been hiding in my lovely vampire sanctuary, the darkest corner of the house, where i can pretend it's night in the daytime and autumn in the hellish summer bright. my perfect sanctuary, my room is now the

  p e r f e c t 

hideout. a little agoraphobia 101, i am a friendly ghost, but human avoidant in 3d or on phones. i may be the only person left who doesn't have a smartphone? oh yeah, no i'm not, neither does my son. (that's my dna) anyway, i love to get out when i safely can venture into nature, into the snow or rain, or just out photoing or collecting where my human encounters are brief & anonymous & i just push the edges of my comfort zone. but things are different now during the coronavirus. i don't want to die, well i do sometimes, what i mean is i don't want to die gasping for oxygen alone in a hospital, so we are ocd good at staying in & staying germfree. 

so i've had some traumatic health challenges over the last few weeks & found myself backed right into my familiar little corner too phobic to eat except for vanilla ice cream shakes, & my electrolytes are messed up along with my sad gi tract, so after narrowly avoiding a trip to the er in the middle of the night (!) i had to have my very first video dr's appt via zoom (on mr dad's phone.) i must say i have a very good dr these days, i appreciate her very much seeing as i can avoid drs basically for years, because, they terrify me. due to bad past experiences, not her. so thankfully i am still here & have a plan to try to take care of my health at home. she said (like 5x) i have a super sensitive system & have had to figure out all the tips & tricks myself w/out benefit of the 9 years of medical school that she's had, & she even confirmed that the snowflakes i've been experiencing in my vision are migrainous & i am not going blind. :D yay!

& i'll be able to continue painting :) yay again!!

so welcome introverts, artists, vampires, gamers, catfolk & oddballs, to my blogs & gallery, & to gumbyland.. links are everywhere & will take you down the rabbithole to be sure if you are curious.. my online multiverse goes on forever & ever..

btw #infj. (yes i am a perfectly cliche reclusive toy collecting old eccentric cat lady.) (well, old as in old soul..)

& did i mention i'm already a vampire in elder scrolls online? yeah, i've always been a vampire in my gameworlds..

i'm reverse s.a.d. so come migraines or sun allergy until autumn i'll be in my time machine traveling back watching old home movies, of my long lost babies, our trails, long drives, the mountains, snowdays of olde.. i may just have a slumber party. 

deny summer!

lyrics of the day: elliott smith said it best 'i love to in the darkness hide..'

i love my room

today's lost & found post

hagraven nest

don't be nervous

p.s. the ghost gallery is meant to be viewed in the dark..

continued in the comments..

bren/ghost

quarantine

spring in the time of coronavirus.

blindspots in my vision persist, & of course everything i do relies on vision.
i am an escape artist.
mr dad's company issued everyone a paycut.
& my son lost his health coverage during our xmas unemployment trauma..
i'm always kinda terrified in this life anyway
but now i get these terrors
just like i did on election night.
i can barely eat anything anymore
& crying just makes me choke.
once upon a time alcohol made me fearless
but it's cardiac poison to me now.
i think of this
& other things i probably shouldn't..
but today my new radiohead library tshirt arrived & made me happy.

the end of winter:

we're good at staying in.
toxic has been painting on her rainy day time machine project while me & mr dad put together our final mini house..

sunset house by the sea:

speaking of quarantines ~

ghostgallery quarantine with music:

lyrics of the day ~

songs to aging children come
aging children
i am one
some come dark & strange
like dying
crows & ravens whistling
lines of weeping
strings of crying
so much said in listening..

~ joni mitchell

comments to follow..

bren/ghost

darkwinter

i wonder at times if i might be finally losing my tired mind?

rowsofneveropeneddoors (sound up & go oldschool here, phones steal away the music) ghost gallery quarantine

he's curious about the eyeball around the bend

comments to follow..

bren

p.s. brenda (irish name meaning little raven)

lost toys (sound up)

snowcave

i'm digging into my snowcave early this year, & will continue pouring my art therapy here through the winter: snowcave album (sound up)

out & about: silver falls
autumn mix album

journal pages: ghost blog snowcave
terror build-up

oh yeah, happy halloween.
innsmouth house
the making of innsmouth house

i'll probably be around here, look for me if you are too & we'll kill stuff together:
ghost pix eso

can't make a sound

i have become a silent movie
the hero killed the clown
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
nobody knows what he's doing
still hanging around
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
the slow motion moves me
the monologue means nothing to me
bored in the role, but he can't stop
standing up to sit back down
to lose the one thing found
spinning the world like a toy top
till there's a ghost in every town
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
eyes locked and shining
can't you tell me what's happening?
why should you want any other when you're a world within a world?
why should you want any other when you're a world within a world?
why should you want any other when you're a world within a world?
why should you want any other when you're a world within a world?

continued in the comments..

bren/ghost

p.s. nothing ever changes..
i am here

come hell

this is why we fight - the decemberists

come the war
come the avarice
come the war
come hell

come attrition
come the reek of bones
come attrition

come hell

this is why
why we fight
why we lie awake
& this is why
this is why we fight

when we die
we will die
with our arms unbound

& this is why
this is why
we fight
come hell

bride of quiet
bride of all unquiet things
bride of quiet
bride of hell

come the archers
come the infantry
come the archers
of hell

this is why
why we fight
why we lie awake
this is why
this is why we fight
& when we die
we will die
with our arms unbound
& this is why
this is why we fight

so come to me
come to me now
lay your arms around me
& this is why
this is why
we fight

come hell
come hell
come hell
come hell

 

..the seasons have turned & we have our rain,

we took some rainy day drives over the last weekend, to welcome halloween season & take photos for my albums, but i've realized my portland & friendlyghost albums have become huge over all these years so i started a new one over there >>>

or just click here: around the bend (sound up)

 

also, we let the fates decide our annual halloween personas, which are brewing already & will appear here soon (just click on these links)

 

the world's gone full-on batshit insane to me, so i hide underground these days, can't afford the echocardiogram i need, & right now i'm trying to fight off jury duty.. fuck'em, let them put a warrant out on me.. yeah, i'm not real happy at the moment. snug is 18 & a half years old & skinny & deaf & a fragile little old lady, but she truly has had 9 lives to be sure.. i just don't know what i'll do when the last one gives out & we're kittyless.. winters can be hard..

but i still love them. i hope for loads of snow this year.. still painting.. still writing my troubled journals.. full moon approaching, i can feel it in my aching head..

my reclusive grumblings will continue in the comments.. ..

 

bren/ghost

 

p.s.

feed me