a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget? ~ randall jarrell
i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors: ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones) all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts! 2019 brenda roudebush all rights reserved..
these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)
vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album.. we live in wonderland.. :) i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy.. ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
cemeteria album ~ remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me.. ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~ this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones.. ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
a POEtry reading...
my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~ is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots.. ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
ghost links..
XXX..............RIP..............XXX
here lies the psychconnection archive..
click here to peruse the remains (what's left after many members' posts were removed) of our dead support forum in the deepfreeze of this cybermorgue..
go ask alice when she's 10 feet tall...
this alice is my other self.. she's always there lurking behind me...
papercuts ~
(my poetry & short stories...)
WARNING! this site contains graphic language and subject matter related to self injury...
soon after dark, emily cries...
gazing through trees in sorrow,
hardly a sound till tomorrow...
cosmic debris/emily strange
last.. but not least.. my website..
where all the happy little gumbys & pokeys have come home to gumbyland.. the secret gallery.. and other cool stuff..
january trees album ~ january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world.. ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~ vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens.. copyright 2008 all rights reserved
ghost's top eleven rpg's:
#1 ~ down the rabbit hole...
"here's a riddle.. when is a croquet mallet like a billy club? ..i'll tell you... whenever you want it to be..."
cheshire cat to alice
(american mcgee's alice: the original)
this game is my favorite above all others...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thank you thank you mr mcgee for alice madness returns!!! (with the original i still rate these the best!)
#2 is primal, especially the wraith world where i felt right at home.. what a relief to play a strong female for a change, and with scree the gargoyle at my side... loved this game and want more!!!
#3 is fable/fable:lost chapters/fable 2.. get lost in this incredible world and determine your own fate... good or evil.. or somewhere in between...
fable 3 is out!!!
#4 city of lost children.. based on the french movie of the same name.. you are miette, an orphan, use your thieving and sneaking skills to free the childrens' souls from the evil inventor who is stealing their dreams...
tied at #4 the kingdom hearts games (2).. disney meets final fantasy! play in disney worlds alongside jack skellington in halloweentown, jack sparrow in the caribbean or alice at the mad tea party..
#5 is van helsing.. if you liked the movie, play this gothic masterpiece and face werewolves, the frankenstein monster, mr hyde and count dracula himself...
#6 are all of the lord of the rings games, which are all worth mastering, including the hobbit game.. (watch out for the spiders!) & the old classic snes lord of the rings.. (another good old favorite.. i spent forever lost in the barrow downs...)
#7 are all the ultima games.. my favorites were 'quest of the avatar' and 'the false prophet'.. but if you like the classics try out 'black gate' and 'exodus' and the other oldies..
#8 is the original nes game shadowgate.. the one that turned me into an rpg junkie in the first place all those years ago.. hunched over my controller in the dark in my camper in the middle of the night.. still a classic...
#9 is final fantasy, but i'm an old time gamer, so i mean the original final fantasy games on nes/snes like 1, 2, 3 + mystic quest.. still the best even without the graphics of the newer games...
#10 is lemony snickett's series of unfortunate events.. ok, so this game is not terribly hard.. (i was able to complete it even while fairly intoxicated..) it is still creative and fun if you enjoyed the movie, which i did...
i needed a #11 on my list for all the honorable mentions.. unforgettable games like wizardry, king arthur's world, tombs & treasures, deja vu, faxanadu, the immortal, breath of fire and the dragon warrior games.. also baldur's gate, the ren & stimpy games that wrecked my nerves, zombies ate my neighbors, fester's quest, maniac mansion!!! ...gasp... too many to remember... aargghh! all those years spent in the dark deep in some labyrinth scribbling cryptic notes and maps.. is that what is was that made me mad? or did they save me from madness...? the world may never know..
(p.s. i never made it without biting..)
!X! a bonus: i absolutely approve of the gamecube's eternal darkness: sanity's requiem.. lovecraftian & hallucinogenic.. i dare you!
the post-apocalyptic fallout games, F3, new vegas & F4 coming soon!
i highly approve of the other from software games besides bloodborne, demon's souls & dark souls 1, 2 & 3.. not for the faint of heart, gotta get good for these!
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)
our game gallery..
home to oblivion..
ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition..
these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
NEW ELDER SCROLLS!!
SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!!
DAWNGUARD DLC!!
& more dlc to come! the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..
come into oblivion with me & tour my homes..
(note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)
so many ways to die..
realms of madness..
a friend in highcross town..
bonus morrowind footage..
welcome to skyrim..
featured ghosttube..
baby tabitha begs pitifully at the back door.. she now has over 300,000 views! p.s. i am not a godless soulless monster..
american mcgee's alice...
she looks kinda familiar? ...!
safehaven - i'm snowballinhell here...
WARNING!* these sites contain graphic language and/or images & subject matter related to self injury...
the shortest day, the longest night.. so i've been struggling with my terrors & depression & not feeling the slightest bit merry, getting lost in eso's new life festival activities & scouring the internet archive for lost treasures.. i'm not feeling too inspired to do art much anymore so i've been trying alternatives like this quirky project i posted about today at the lost & found toy blog (click me..)
i'm theming more of our mini houses as i can, it's freezing downstairs, but no snow yet.. it also saddens me that my typepad albums here are practically filled with broken image links, they've been a huge part of my ghostgallery over the years so that's discouraging.. anymore it just feels like it's for naught.. art just takes up space. sorry to be such a puddleglum.. comments to come as usual..
i start each day with trepidation. the nearby water project (projected to continue through till possibly spring of 2025) wakes me up early each morning sounding like a competition of banging machinery & alarms beeping over each other, sometimes going on for 12 hours straight.. stress literally makes me sick. i can't tell you how nice it is on a weekend morning to wake up hearing our backyard birds like it use to be.. i escape all i can into eso but honestly i'm running out of content so i'll have to figure something different for next month onward.. but come on, be honest, with the world the way it is, wouldn't you rather be here in beautiful rainy auridon like me?
ok here's a shocker, i love the smile's new album called 'wall of eyes'..
i am asking for help i am outside your door i am walking away barefoot i am asking down the street i am climbing a tree i am now a white sheet of paper i am changing, the seconds pass i am making mistakes i am losing my shit i am being bent out of shape i may have been crying i am memories that crowd a drowning field i am trying to figure this out i am waving a hand in front of your face i am feeling very alone i keep asking, asking you to repeat yourself i think you are maybe taking the piss i am feeling very alone and unsupported in this moment i am deciding to shut down everything i am a stranger tapping on the window i understand & go on my way i think maybe you are losing interest i am now cycling through their almost empty city, starting again from the top they are taking away my priveleges i am hoping we can work this out i am making positive noises i am making a long series of just empty promises i am just going along with this i am crystalline, corrupt, sulphuric, superficial i am a perfect self portrait i am waiting for you to acknowledge me i am someone else to compare me to i am paralyzed by the weight of my own whatever i sympathize with your decision i am your replacement i am seeking an opportunity i think this doesn't fit me i am slipping slowly down a greasy pole i am being told to stay indoors i am making this official i am trying not to look i am not asking questions i am hiding in the closet i am asking if can you bring round some groceries i am leaping into the dark the sky is full of scarecrows above & around me i am seeing alot of patterns i am little baby walking i guess it doesn't matter now i am weighing anchor & heading into port i am getting drunk in a bar to forget i may or may not be i am high on my riddles, concussed i am nothing else i am checking in the mirror i am changing definition i am trying to keep my distance this is my stop why won't you untie me? oh i see what's going on here i am gently pushing an open door..
ps fuck typepad. half my album images are now broken & my 'help' ticket sits open endlessly.. now i see massive image dropout on my daily toy blog too. is this endstage typepad? so far the ghostblog seems unaffected, but i wish someone decent would buy them up & fix these matters.. (twitter too!) it just feels like all has been for naught..
here comes valentine's day.. i would say take good care of yourself this year.. i'm a happiness junkie, so i'll keep fighting for it over the misery.. hell, weirdly enough it's my middle name. (joy)
i wanted to wish all of my fellow introverts & cat people a dark & spooky halloween & leave this pic raven took of the recent hunter's moon through blowing tree branches, as we're experiencing our usual autumn east winds here from the gorge, as well as our first freezing nights.. i feel like i've been off on the moon somewhere for the last couple of weeks, lost & internetless, as i experienced sudden traumatic laptop death way back on raven's birthday after posting at my lost & found blog, & i not only couldn't post, but lost lots of files & photos & am still trying to recover & catch up now with my new slicker quicker & lighter dell..
first it was the power outs, & then my internet withdrawls, as well as our water being turned off a couple of times while they finish the local water project nearby, our old tattered deck roof has also been flapping loudly in the wind keeping me awake at night, until today when mr dad had halloween off & could cut it free.. i've felt so removed & alone through all of this.. ocd triggered & traumatized, even with beautiful fall days.. depression just doesn't care. we did take a couple of cool drives during the cooler wetter weekdays that he took as vacation days so we could avoid humanity while out rockhounding along local riverbeds.. i updated our lost album with some pix here: the lost album which also includes some blurry photos of our latest feral kitty, a young tabby who showed up in the cold & wet, we put out food for him & made sure our winter shelters are good for the coming cold, leaving treats inside to tempt him into comfort & safety, & he's smart, showed up for food the next day, staying carefully at a distance but basically asking for more.. poor little orphan boy.. we're calling him oliver <3
i missed a full week of october posts i had planned for the lost & found, but have at least posted over the weekend & today, cool fun stuff that's worth checking out: lost & found blog halloween
i have been spending alot of time in eso for the annual witches festival, winning halloween plunder skulls & capturing voluminous youtubes of it all, i'll be pouring these videos up onto my youtube channel in the coming days as i get things caught up.. i also put up a cozy moment with alice one chilly evening that has been getting such sweet comments <3
i nearly contacted my trusty life coach through it all, but honestly every time i think of other things going on in the world i feel embarassed that i'm so challenged coping with ocd & anxiety.. & alice is helping me here with healing frequency purrs & kitty therapy :) when my laptop died we first tried picking up an hp one readily available nearby, but it made a high frequency whistling sound that the guys could barely hear, but that drove me (more) insane.. i didn't know this was even a thing, but online we found out it's a known issue with that model.. returned it & had to wait more than a week for the new dell, which i must say i do enjoy.. & i'm starting to pick out good stickers to put all over it, so that's commitment!
so have fun all, & be sure to keep your black cats safe inside tonight.. there will be more to follow in the comments as always..
well it's june but still mercifully raining off & on, no summer yet.. sorry, but we're vampires here & detest the blazing sun & heat, a little light is ok, but i'll take the dark & a/c till autumn rolls around..
& rpg games. ah yes.. my great escape from the summertime blues over all the years has been in fantasy videogame worlds, & my son raven has followed in my tradition well..
it all started back in the old camper in the driveway when he was a toddler & i put that nes controller in his hands, thinking he'd love the cause & effect of running & jumping mario along..
um, yeah, he did love it! the rest is history.. i'll always remember him & mr dad coming in to watch me fight zeromus in final fantasy at the end, we all had marble fudge ice-cream & it left such an impression on him, it wasn't long before we got him mario paint & a few years later i introduced him to mystic quest as a beginner level fantasy rpg.. <3
he feared the undead kobolds pictured in my shadowgate game guides too & i worry i set up his lifelong zombie phobia due to that?
so eventually one summer of old we decided to tape our own 'game gallery' youtube videos of all our games, way back in the day when youtube was novel..
nostalgia gamers please come over to my youtube channel & check it out, everything from nes to xbox360, snippets of all our favorites & commentary..
these screenshots are from some of my favorites like bloodborne..
i do love the from software games & have played them to 100%/platinum wherever possible..
the ghost pix album starts out way back in elder scrolls oblivion & encompasses all the elder scrolls & dark souls games, fallout, american mcgee's alice, fable, etc on & on, & i'm still updating it..
i'm a wanderer & i've lived in these places basically, with my kitties right along side me through so much of them <3
i've even set up a lost & found toy shop in the post apoc world of fallout as well as my kitty sanctuary..
i'm often a cat myself..
& always a vampire ;)
i'm always looking for another beautiful place to get lost..
he's an ocd completionist & is really exceptionally good.. it's been said he's so good that even his mom is good ;)
recently i invited him into my elden ring playthrough to help with a big battle..
so here's that capture for your enjoyment..
i'm getting into all the fashion of elden ring now, not unlike i did in bloodborne..
what do you think?
so i've changed my look from the basic astrologer's outfit to fia's robes (fia - deathbed companion & giver of hugs) posted about it here at the lost & found yesterday too..
if you're a fellow gaming enthusiast be sure to check out my other blog, the lost & found toy blog, for extensive videogame posts & coverage, just click on videogames in the category list in the sidebar..
videogames are the closest thing i can find to a cure for the summertime blues..
here's another diabolical selfie to update.. (mr dad says toxic made this same face in our old home movies..lol)
my first glimpse of 2019 was of the crescent moon & venus out my bedroom window.. we haven't had any snow here yet in portland, but the mountain is gorgeous & white & now we are surrounded by freezing fog, everything's covered in frost, so i'm hopeful ~ new year's day moon
we're getting alot done on innsmouth house & i'm still painting my acrylic abstracts despite freezing hands..
my only resolution is to try to worry less this year.. lol
lyrics of the day:
all the holes at once are coming alive set free, out of sight & out of mind they're lonely and they're prey the one you light your fires to keep away is crawling out upon its belly and all you have to do is say yes.. all the birds stay up in the trees all the fish swim down to the deep they're lonely and they're prey i am here come to me before it's too late the one you light your fires to keep away is crawling out upon its belly all you have to do is say yes.
WARNING!! <<<comment at your own risk - this blog is currently besieged by automated robots>>>
welcome to my migraine.
bullet with butterfly wings/smashing pumpkins
the world is a vampire sent to drain secret destroyers hold you up to the flames and what do i get for my pain? betrayed desires and a piece of the game.. even though i know.. i suppose i'll show all my cool and cold like old job.. despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage then someone will say what is lost can never be saved.. despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage..
now i'm naked.. nothing but an animal.. but can you fake it for just one more show? and what do you want? i want a change.. and what have you got when you feel the same? tell me i'm the only one tell me there's no other one jesus was an only son tell me i'm the chosen one jesus was an only son for you..
despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage then someone will say what is lost can never be saved despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage and i still believe that i cannot be saved.. and i still believe that i cannot be saved.. and i still believe that i cannot be saved.. and i still believe that i cannot be saved.
zero/smashing pumpkins
my reflection.. dirty mirror is no connection to myself.. i'm your lover.. i'm your zero i'm the face in your dreams of glass.. so save your prayers for when we're really gonna need 'em.. throw all your cares and fly.. wanna go for a ride?
she's the one for me.. she's all i really need.. oh yeah.. she's the one for me.. emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and god is empty.. just like me.
intoxicated with the madness.. i'm in love with my sadness.. bullshit fakers.. enchanted kingdoms.. the fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth.. i never let on that i was on a sinking ship.. i never let on that i was down.
you blame yourself for what you can't ignore.. you blame yourself for wanting more.. she's the one for me.. she's all i really need.. oh yeah.. she's the one for me.. she's my one and only.
cat girl
xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx
lost & found toys
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)
a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades
i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
seeing is deceiving..
$@x!^&*#%!/
love bites.
life sucks.
"but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
"oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. i'm mad. you're mad."
"how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
"you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
"to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
"i suppose so," said Alice.
"well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
i can go anywhere that i want you know.. yeah sure. rough days, i dread & avoid medical stuff more than anything.. even getting through a minor surgical procedure sent my nervous system into my own special hell, ibs, migraine...
i've been in full reclusive hiding as winter comes to a close, even as a sun allergic vampire i welcome the spring days & sunshine, birds on my back deck & the sense of 'normalcy' i keep trying to convince...
the shortest day, the longest night.. so i've been struggling with my terrors & depression & not feeling the slightest bit merry, getting lost in eso's new life festival activities & scouring the internet archive for lost treasures.. i'm not...
so as i mentioned at the end of the comments of my last post, i had a recent crash into a scary depressive episode & had to reach out for some help.. as an eccentric agoraphobic catlady my emotional support...
so i am a cat lady.. & i can't think of anything in this world i'd rather be.. i've been closely bonded with these sweet souls all my life.. curled up in cardboard boxes in my childhood backyard.. kitty nurse...
summer's definitely here. normally once it gets this hot we vampires tuck into the dark & hibernate until halloween season.. but alot has been going on here & it's hard for me to even talk about it even here at...
i've long thought of myself as an escape artist. in that i find all manner of creative ways to escape the shadow side of my life experience by traveling through time or running away to fantasy lands & alternate worlds,...
i start each day with trepidation. the nearby water project (projected to continue through till possibly spring of 2025) wakes me up early each morning sounding like a competition of banging machinery & alarms beeping over each other, sometimes going...
so as i mentioned in the comments we didn't set up a tree or decorations this year since alice would only see this as her greatest challenge to chomp & destroy xmas.. so as i live mostly as a reclusive...
a message from the moon.. i wanted to wish all of my fellow introverts & cat people a dark & spooky halloween & leave this pic raven took of the recent hunter's moon through blowing tree branches, as we're experiencing...
so i'm declaring it early halloween season here at our house as we've had our first rain of autumn & i've already done my regular halloween shopping, we are a very halloween oriented family & tis the season when i...
why am i so obsessed with the moon? well i spent time there as a child, tried to draw pictures of it, in secret of course, these pictures were torn up & hidden down at the bottom of a trashbin...
so i've been starting to question, do lemondrops even actually melt? looking back through old pix i still believe our beloved kitties come back to us, like toxic's tabby ditto & my special therapy kitty snug <3 & i came...
rough days for me.. but i'm so thankful to my brother-in-law who drove up from socal to put in our new furnace/ac units over the last couple days :) we haven't seen family in 20 years so it really meant...
we three, we're all alone living in a memory my echo, my shadow & me we three, we're not a crowd we're not even company my echo, my shadow & me what good is the moonlight the silvery moonlight that...
antifashion in the time of coronavirus! ~ or subtitle 'yeah this is how bored i got' ~ so 2 years ago in march i posted my 'vault forever, surface never' post here ~ when i decided to have fun with...
i've been thinking about my pittypat girls alot lately <3 maybe because it's freezing & i miss sleeping with them all around me at night? so i thought i'd share their story here ~ it all started with tiny tabitha...
winter winds continue here, along with a wintry mix of rain & slush & cold.. as the year winds down to the end i can't help but have more & more thoughts of my sister.. on new year's eve it'll...
here we are already counting down the last days till xmas, it feels as if winter is breezing by too fast? perhaps due to my many stresses these days? we have all survived having our new roof & gutters installed,...
halloween is in only a couple weeks, but we've still had persistent high temps breaking records & pissing off us vampires, they call it 'augtober' :( i'm still working on my upcoming halloween party dollscape, with alice's (Not.) help.. making...
little friends..
back in the day ~ back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel.. copyright 2008 all rights reserved
friendlyghost fun & games!!
trapdoor links to the secret gallery... sound up!
ghostfilms
lost hollow digital art album ~ ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved