snowball in hell

darker places

it's terrifying when you find yourself looking at life through the dark slant of depression, where everything seems to signal to you that you can only make your escape to end your distress.
as someone who has dealt with depression & suicidal ideation all my life i can still get pulled aside by its lies even after all this time. my weakness is when i am sick or not doing well with pain management, or both of these things simultaneously like this last week.

you add up all your challenges & see no bright future ahead, so it has a horrible seeming logic to it.

but what is left out of the equation are all the random things that happen in life that make you glad you are here, once you've made the leap of faith & find you're on the other side of another of life's black puddles i have learned to not look back.

whatever is distorting your experience Will eventually shift back to appreciation, no matter how long it takes you must trust the bigger picture, it is there even when you aren't seeing it.

i'm not being naive or underestimating the seriousness of depression or candy coating anything, i've spent years in the blackest of holes i assure you.

but one morning you wake up and feel glad you're in your own room, you'll see the snow out your window & smile, kitties will meow goodmorning to you & want love, good people will make kind gestures that restore your faith to go forward..
and in my case stupid funny things might even be what start to laugh you back to life.. (well, laughing/coughing/laughing almost passing out.. i'm just starting to recover, just posting at my blogs has felt like a valiant effort for me today)

mr dad has been very sweet & helped me, making me half a grilled cheese sandwich (on the second try) that saved my life..
my son has been chattering politics, which is music to my ears because it means he is getting well & back to normal..

over this winter's illnesses at one point mr dad was trying to make a bill payment over the phone using a voice activated system while his chest cold was affecting his vocal chords. they charge you $10 if an actual person has to talk to you, & mr dad won't give them the satisfaction, but his voice was so low saying 'yes' & 'no' that the system couldn't recognize what he was saying, so after several failed tries he panicked & attempted some high-pitched answers, which then caused him to realize i could probably hear this from the other room & wonder just what the Hell is going on?
hearing him tell this story was priceless, i haven't laughed so hard in a long time..

& this old scene from the mighty boosh always cracks my son up so bad that i consider it a gem..

my challenges still feel great & my body is weak, but my will is strong as always, so i'm back in the fight.

i may always feel like a ghost, but i'm not giving it up yet,

bren

dark places

i figure it's probably time to change my avatar since it's been well over a decade..
(i'm still a ghost..)

we tried to get out & about today to some vintage toy & collectible shops since the sun finally came out.. it has been the longest winter ever for me, & having lost my little tabitha just days ago after a nightmare period of illness, i needed some kind of distraction to get my mind out of the dark places it's been going to. she was 17 years old & had lived for many years with IBD on meds with around the clock care for the last 2, but at the end i was tortured trying to get my OCD mind to make the necessary decisions for her care, i second-guess & doubt myself so much.. i know i will have to live with it & i have traumatic 'kitty issues' from childhood.. toxic had her own kitty graveyard for all her little companions that got killed right & left..

more than i can count.. it left us broken.

still no change with my sister..

maybe i'm finally losing my tired mind..

ghost

my gloomy place

it's just me in my little post-xmas depression..
(yes i have eeyore pajamas.)
at least now it's truly winter as we have our first snow..

oh my god, what a world you have made,
what a terrible world, what a beautiful world,
what a world you have made..

(now there are many new & deeper trapdoors to explore far down right in the sidebar..)

bren/ghost

from the limbo of lunary souls

update: ghost blog exhumation

i decided to drag the blog out of it's grave after these long last few years & update it. so help yourself & peek around, there are new secret things to discover in every crack & hole in the woodwork, new art trapdoors & albums, most notably a catalogue of ghost toys that we're still working on, toxic is very into vintage golden magazines at the moment.. also new, the clokey kids were kind enough to link gumbyland up to gumbyworld.

when i last posted my health was in decline & i basically spent 2010 sick. i'll spare some gory details here, but basically the drs finally got their claws into me, dx'ing me first with congestive heart failure, then later the cardiologist refined it to cardiomyopathy. i'm on heart meds & back on stomach meds, i even use one of those weekly pill organizers to manage my ocd error checking, but the meds don't help me much. i'm chronically phobic of eating, meal in and meal out, & symptoms never end. today i'm also choking down antibiotic horsepills for a cat bite on my arm that went particularly deep into muscle & got infected. i'm a wretched creature & have been living in near total reclusive hiding, but once in awhile i still feel in touch with my inner badass & that makes me smile.

bdhp was dx'd with diabetes, which he's managing, & daniel got his associate degree at mt hood but has been looking for 2 years for a job, so we're broke & just hanging on by our fingernails in this crazy world of greed & divisiveness. he's smart & well versed in philosophy, social psychology, theosophy & IT stuff & should be going to psu or reed college,but there's no $$$.
i'm just proud of what a fine person he turned out to be.

well, happy halloween to anyone who stops by, we're stocking up/readying for winter/xmas..
ghost/bren
& toxic
we are the 99%                 i am free
everything in its right place

you died along the way..

homesick/ well.. 
i left my home

on hollow bones
while you were curled
and sleeping
and i wandered far
beneath the concrete star
and slept along
the highways
but even though i've been lost all the time
i've got hooks in my sides that you left there
but you're not the same
you died along the way
now we're ghosts
and we're praying for winter
i found a wheel that squeaks and squeals
and i left it on your doorstep
 'cause i heard that you might be broken too
and i thought it'd keep you company
but even though i've been lost all the time
i've got hooks in my sides that you left there
but you're not the same
you died along the way
now we're ghosts and we're praying for winter..

along the road/
there along the road.. was a tiny home
the yard held dead machines behind it's fences
like they were it's kids
broken down, but still worth a lot to someone
it made me stop and grin

light from a dying moon
it blurs our eyes
and we wear a cape of fireflies
and after the world's in bed
all the ghosts come sing along
but we'll forget them when the morning comes..

and i slept on the ocean last night

i could see you all
and you all were
dancing sideways
your feet stuck to the skies
and i could see the airplanes dance behind your eyes
and i was glad i found the time..

it's snowing here.. - ghost & toxic

i feel the winter..

today we took a long drive over to washington state and then took the last remaining ferry back that crosses the columbia back into oregon from puget island.. i'm used to the ocean.. rivers are peaceful and lovely.. it was cold but sunny.. time to say one last goodbye to winter and let summer out of the basement.. oh yeah.. and we finally found our eagle..

winter is coming/radical face
i see the winter
she's crawling up the lawn
i feel her breathing
beneath my palms
she tears the trees down
while curses roll from her tongue
got eyes like anvils
and storms for lungs
     hiding in our house
     sunburn in his mouth
summer's in our basement now
     life beneath the floor
     light beneath the door
     just enough to keep us warm
     don't you let it out
     don't you let it out
     just make sure he's always around
but we're all out of time
nothing left to decide
pack your things up quick
this one can't be fixed
leave the rest of it behind

we push through trees now
our house is covered in ice
our breath falls
from our mouths
like tiny rainclouds
we tug on summer
and he melts
the snow at our feet
she's on our heels
there's never time to stop and sleep
i feel you breathing
i hear you curse my name
i hope that you'll forgive me
one of these days
the sky is bleeding
the fog is thicker than walls
she's wrapped up in it
like cloth on a wrecking ball
everything we stole
everything we broke
everything we bought is gone
a couple dumb mistakes
bigger than we thought
nothing left to do but run
if i could put it back
fill in all the cracks
nothing there i wouldn't change
but wishing never helps
wishing never helps
wishing never solved a thing
you were right..
yeah, you were right..

haunted/radical face
i can hear the car
as it rumbles up the driveway
but i'm too scared to look
so i curl up beneath the window
and i pray they won't find me
and i pray that i'll keep still
i see your face in the glass
with branches growing from your mouth
you wear the moon like a halo
you wear the night like it's your coat
and you're always laughing
but you always look afraid
..i think we're haunted 
hands against my eyes
i hear you crying
in your sleep
i think we're haunted
       (clouds are coming
        down the chimney)
that we're never alone
       (and trees are falling
       through the livingroom)
i think we're haunted
       (the moon is stuck in the ceiling)
and we're swimming through ghosts
       (the rain is pouring on the diningroom)
yeah i think we're haunted
       (clouds are blowing up and down the walls)
no we're never alone
       (water's flooding on the kitchen floor)
i think we're haunted
        (the woods are all taking it back
         we've overstayed our welcome
                 ..it's time we were gone)
- ghost

choose the lonely trees..

place to be/

when i was younger
younger than before
i never saw the truth hanging from the door
and now i'm older
see it face to face
and now i'm older
gotta get up clean the place..
and i was green.. greener than the hill
where the flowers grow and the sun shone still
now i'm darker than the deepest sea
just hand me down.. give me a place to be..
and i was strong.. strong in the sun
i thought i'd see when day was done
now i'm weaker than the palest blue
oh so weak in this need for you...
..
know that i love you
know i don't care
know that i see you
know i'm not there..
..
nobody knows how cold it grows
and nobody sees how shaky my knees
nobody cares how steep my stairs
and nobody smiles if you cross their stiles..
..
so leave your house come into my shed
please stop my world
from raining through my head..  -nick drake

p.s. there is now a featured ghost youtube <<<
if you like jan svankmejer's 'alice' or stop-motion animation, definitely check out the brothers quay.. here's a short from 'street of crocodiles'..
see more in my youtubes ..  link is over in the ghost library <<<

i am a wicked child..

mother mary come to me
for i am a wicked child..
i've sinned and i am so confused
and i am a wicked child
i am a wicked child..
i am the devil's son
and i wish i could be good..
      ..i walk a crooked mile
and i wish i could be good
i wish i could be good..
if i could have kept on the straight and narrow..
if i could have kept on the straight and narrow..
and not have broke your heart
not have broke your heart..
now i wake up in the night..
he's tugging at my arms and legs
like i was a marionette
send baby jesus
to radiate his light
to radiate his light..           ghost

sunshine & below freezing..

i took this picture of some interesting tree branches downtown at twilight while out looking at elliott smith landmarks around portland.. (see the 'i love portland' album left).. he came out for this one i think..
can you see the little ghost on the left?

daily smith/half right
well.. you shouldn't doctor yourself
well.. i pictured somebody else
someone who looks like
what i look like..
would you say that the one of your dreams
got in you and ripped out the seams?
that's what i'd say..
that's what i'd say..
he was a sucker for your double dose
motherfucker turned white as a ghost
don't you say hi
don't you say hi
with a broken sink for a face
and a head that just takes up space
he's not half right
he's not half right
it's all that he half has
and it won't last..
i was sticking up for a friend
well.. there's nothing much to defend
it's a lost fight
it's a lost fight
'cause when i talk to you on the phone
well.. it's just like being alone
it's not half right..
it's not half right..

going nowhere

he waved hello silent like a mime
meaning there's no changing my mind
i won't walk the stairs with you tonight
going nowhere
the clock moved a quarter of a turn
the time it took her cigarette to burn
she said you got a lot of things to learn
going nowhere
i saw you move a certain way
missed you a lot
returned to this abandoned place
that shoulda been forgot
echoes drown a conversation out
echoes that only seem to bring about
a silent expression
easily read aloud
going nowhere
the steps made a pattern
i'd never seen
i felt like a kid of six or seventeen
i was off in some empty daydream
going nowhere
it's dead and gone and matter of fact
it may be for the best
you said some things you can't take back
honestly.. i guess
the old records
are sitting on the floor
the ones i can't put on anymore
you walked over to her like before
going nowhere
going nowhere
going nowhere

ghost & toxic
p.s. toxic has her own little world now<<<

snow in hell..

it just started to snow outside my window..

mr smith is back, too..
i'm not quite ready for the pilgrimage required for my pennance..
i'm used to my vampyric lifestyle now..
besides i'm tired..
i just want to sleep in my little snowcave..

smith for today
'help me kill my time..
help me kill my time..
help me kill my time..
'cause i'll never be fine..
help me kill my time..'

elliott in portland

ghost & toxic  ..many unhappy returns

day 11?

ok, so at least i have made it to day 11..
not out of the woods.. but it's something?

this is the toxic little sunday school dropout i have mentioned does much of the artwork around here:

.

..

...

(careful, she does bite!)

...

more thom yorke:

cymbal rush

try to save it but it doesn't come off the rock
try to build a wall that is high enough

it's all boiling over
all boiling over..

try to save your house
try to save your songs
try to run
but it follows you up a hill

it's all boiling over
all boiling over
your little voice
your little voice..

no more conversation
no conversation
you should have took me out when you had the chance
you should have took me out when you had the chance..

all the rooms were numbered
and the losers turned away
don't turn away
don't turn away..

and more opeth:

blank face in the windowpane
made clear in seconds of light
disappears and returns again
counting hours.. searching the night
might be waiting for someone
might be there for us to see
might be in need of talking
might be staring directly at me
inside plays a lullaby
slurred voice over children's cries
..on the inside

haunting loneliness in the eye
skin covering secret scars
his hand is waving a goodbye
there's no response or action returned...

think i'm sick again..

i'm not hungry anymore..
it's ok though, because the longer i don't eat the better i feel, it's a familiar kind of sick..
i'm just too lonely and have lost too much..
today we drove all the way around mt hood through forest and apple orchards.. we saw pretty cows and wild lavendar and mt st helens not far away.. people were burning leaves and applewood, it smelled really good.. the mountains are still covered in snow..
now i'm home again and it's blowing rain against the windows..

(click)

smith for today

stickman

i sit here shooting blanks
out of emptiness
ain’t nothing really want to kill
maybe time I guess..
i sit and spin the world on it's flipside
and i listen backwards for meaning
'cause i’m a stickman
i live with one dimension dead..
trying not to think too many moves ahead..

i draw from memory
the stillest kind of life
slide after slide
with metal pains as sharp as knives..
project what’s done so everyone can see
to me it's just a rehearsal
and i'm a stickman
in frames that go
one by one
if i sped it up
you'd see i'm on the run
from some monster off screen
killing suns..
lonely makes me blue
envy turns me green

hate might paint me red
if i load my magazine
but not just now when its easy to stay clean
when no one sees where you're bleeding..
and i'm a stickman
stickman..
stickman...