snowball in hell

rows of never opened doors

rows of never opened doors

i froze up

you're the light wiping out my batteries
you're the cream in my airport coffee
i don't know why i stick with you
if i had a choice
like lambs into the slaughter
like cows to the thunder above
you're the genie of my lamp
i could have been anyone
but one day i froze up
one day i froze up
one day i froze up
like this..
oh little boy
little boy, little boy
oh little boy
little boy little boy
if you try to strangle skylarks
try to cut it up to see how it works
stalactites & stalagmites
rows of never opened doors
'cause one day i froze up
one day i froze up
one day i froze up
like this..
colors around my room
colors surround my room
colors surround..

bren/ghost

2019

here's another diabolical selfie to update..
(mr dad says toxic made this same face in our old home movies..lol)

my first glimpse of 2019 was of the crescent moon & venus out my bedroom window.. we haven't had any snow here yet in portland, but the mountain is gorgeous & white & now we are surrounded by freezing fog, everything's covered in frost, so i'm hopeful ~
new year's day moon

we're getting alot done on innsmouth house & i'm still painting my acrylic abstracts despite freezing hands..

my only resolution is to try to worry less this year.. lol

lyrics of the day:

all the holes at once are coming alive
set free, out of sight & out of mind
they're lonely and they're prey
the one you light your fires to keep away
is crawling out upon its belly
and all you have to do is say  yes..
all the birds stay up in the trees
all the fish swim down to the deep
they're lonely and they're prey
i am here
come to me before it's too late
the one you light your fires to keep away
is crawling out upon its belly
all you have to do is say   yes.

rorschach

bren/ghost

darker places

it's terrifying when you find yourself looking at life through the dark slant of depression, where everything seems to signal to you that you can only make your escape to end your distress.
as someone who has dealt with depression & suicidal ideation all my life i can still get pulled aside by its lies even after all this time. my weakness is when i am sick or not doing well with pain management, or both of these things simultaneously like this last week.

you add up all your challenges & see no bright future ahead, so it has a horrible seeming logic to it.

but what is left out of the equation are all the random things that happen in life that make you glad you are here, once you've made the leap of faith & find you're on the other side of another of life's black puddles i have learned to not look back.

whatever is distorting your experience Will eventually shift back to appreciation, no matter how long it takes you must trust the bigger picture, it is there even when you aren't seeing it.

i'm not being naive or underestimating the seriousness of depression or candy coating anything, i've spent years in the blackest of holes i assure you.

but one morning you wake up and feel glad you're in your own room, you'll see the snow out your window & smile, kitties will meow goodmorning to you & want love, good people will make kind gestures that restore your faith to go forward..
and in my case stupid funny things might even be what start to laugh you back to life.. (well, laughing/coughing/laughing almost passing out.. i'm just starting to recover, just posting at my blogs has felt like a valiant effort for me today)

mr dad has been very sweet & helped me, making me half a grilled cheese sandwich (on the second try) that saved my life..
my son has been chattering politics, which is music to my ears because it means he is getting well & back to normal..

over this winter's illnesses at one point mr dad was trying to make a bill payment over the phone using a voice activated system while his chest cold was affecting his vocal chords. they charge you $10 if an actual person has to talk to you, & mr dad won't give them the satisfaction, but his voice was so low saying 'yes' & 'no' that the system couldn't recognize what he was saying, so after several failed tries he panicked & attempted some high-pitched answers, which then caused him to realize i could probably hear this from the other room & wonder just what the Hell is going on?
hearing him tell this story was priceless, i haven't laughed so hard in a long time..

& this old scene from the mighty boosh always cracks my son up so bad that i consider it a gem..

my challenges still feel great & my body is weak, but my will is strong as always, so i'm back in the fight.

i may always feel like a ghost, but i'm not giving it up yet,

bren

dark places

i figure it's probably time to change my avatar since it's been well over a decade..
(i'm still a ghost..)

we tried to get out & about today to some vintage toy & collectible shops since the sun finally came out.. it has been the longest winter ever for me, & having lost my little tabitha just days ago after a nightmare period of illness, i needed some kind of distraction to get my mind out of the dark places it's been going to. she was 17 years old & had lived for many years with IBD on meds with around the clock care for the last 2, but at the end i was tortured trying to get my OCD mind to make the necessary decisions for her care, i second-guess & doubt myself so much.. i know i will have to live with it & i have traumatic 'kitty issues' from childhood.. toxic had her own kitty graveyard for all her little companions that got killed right & left..

more than i can count.. it left us broken.

still no change with my sister..

maybe i'm finally losing my tired mind..

ghost

my gloomy place

it's just me in my little post-xmas depression..
(yes i have eeyore pajamas.)
at least now it's truly winter as we have our first snow..

oh my god, what a world you have made,
what a terrible world, what a beautiful world,
what a world you have made..

(now there are many new & deeper trapdoors to explore far down right in the sidebar..)

bren/ghost