a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget? ~ randall jarrell
i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors: ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones) all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts! 2019 brenda roudebush all rights reserved..
these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)
vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album.. we live in wonderland.. :) i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy.. ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
cemeteria album ~ remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me.. ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~ this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones.. ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
a POEtry reading...
my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~ is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots.. ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
ghost links..
XXX..............RIP..............XXX
here lies the psychconnection archive..
click here to peruse the remains (what's left after many members' posts were removed) of our dead support forum in the deepfreeze of this cybermorgue..
go ask alice when she's 10 feet tall...
this alice is my other self.. she's always there lurking behind me...
papercuts ~
(my poetry & short stories...)
WARNING! this site contains graphic language and subject matter related to self injury...
soon after dark, emily cries...
gazing through trees in sorrow,
hardly a sound till tomorrow...
cosmic debris/emily strange
last.. but not least.. my website..
where all the happy little gumbys & pokeys have come home to gumbyland.. the secret gallery.. and other cool stuff..
january trees album ~ january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world.. ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~ vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens.. copyright 2008 all rights reserved
ghost's top eleven rpg's:
#1 ~ down the rabbit hole...
"here's a riddle.. when is a croquet mallet like a billy club? ..i'll tell you... whenever you want it to be..."
cheshire cat to alice
(american mcgee's alice: the original)
this game is my favorite above all others...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thank you thank you mr mcgee for alice madness returns!!! (with the original i still rate these the best!)
#2 is primal, especially the wraith world where i felt right at home.. what a relief to play a strong female for a change, and with scree the gargoyle at my side... loved this game and want more!!!
#3 is fable/fable:lost chapters/fable 2.. get lost in this incredible world and determine your own fate... good or evil.. or somewhere in between...
fable 3 is out!!!
#4 city of lost children.. based on the french movie of the same name.. you are miette, an orphan, use your thieving and sneaking skills to free the childrens' souls from the evil inventor who is stealing their dreams...
tied at #4 the kingdom hearts games (2).. disney meets final fantasy! play in disney worlds alongside jack skellington in halloweentown, jack sparrow in the caribbean or alice at the mad tea party..
#5 is van helsing.. if you liked the movie, play this gothic masterpiece and face werewolves, the frankenstein monster, mr hyde and count dracula himself...
#6 are all of the lord of the rings games, which are all worth mastering, including the hobbit game.. (watch out for the spiders!) & the old classic snes lord of the rings.. (another good old favorite.. i spent forever lost in the barrow downs...)
#7 are all the ultima games.. my favorites were 'quest of the avatar' and 'the false prophet'.. but if you like the classics try out 'black gate' and 'exodus' and the other oldies..
#8 is the original nes game shadowgate.. the one that turned me into an rpg junkie in the first place all those years ago.. hunched over my controller in the dark in my camper in the middle of the night.. still a classic...
#9 is final fantasy, but i'm an old time gamer, so i mean the original final fantasy games on nes/snes like 1, 2, 3 + mystic quest.. still the best even without the graphics of the newer games...
#10 is lemony snickett's series of unfortunate events.. ok, so this game is not terribly hard.. (i was able to complete it even while fairly intoxicated..) it is still creative and fun if you enjoyed the movie, which i did...
i needed a #11 on my list for all the honorable mentions.. unforgettable games like wizardry, king arthur's world, tombs & treasures, deja vu, faxanadu, the immortal, breath of fire and the dragon warrior games.. also baldur's gate, the ren & stimpy games that wrecked my nerves, zombies ate my neighbors, fester's quest, maniac mansion!!! ...gasp... too many to remember... aargghh! all those years spent in the dark deep in some labyrinth scribbling cryptic notes and maps.. is that what is was that made me mad? or did they save me from madness...? the world may never know..
(p.s. i never made it without biting..)
!X! a bonus: i absolutely approve of the gamecube's eternal darkness: sanity's requiem.. lovecraftian & hallucinogenic.. i dare you!
the post-apocalyptic fallout games, F3, new vegas & F4 coming soon!
i highly approve of the other from software games besides bloodborne, demon's souls & dark souls 1, 2 & 3.. not for the faint of heart, gotta get good for these!
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)
our game gallery..
home to oblivion..
ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition..
these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
NEW ELDER SCROLLS!!
SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!!
DAWNGUARD DLC!!
& more dlc to come! the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..
come into oblivion with me & tour my homes..
(note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)
so many ways to die..
realms of madness..
a friend in highcross town..
bonus morrowind footage..
welcome to skyrim..
featured ghosttube..
baby tabitha begs pitifully at the back door.. she now has over 300,000 views! p.s. i am not a godless soulless monster..
american mcgee's alice...
she looks kinda familiar? ...!
safehaven - i'm snowballinhell here...
WARNING!* these sites contain graphic language and/or images & subject matter related to self injury...
you're the light wiping out my batteries you're the cream in my airport coffee i don't know why i stick with you if i had a choice like lambs into the slaughter like cows to the thunder above you're the genie of my lamp i could have been anyone but one day i froze up one day i froze up one day i froze up like this.. oh little boy little boy, little boy oh little boy little boy little boy if you try to strangle skylarks try to cut it up to see how it works stalactites & stalagmites rows of never opened doors 'cause one day i froze up one day i froze up one day i froze up like this.. colors around my room colors surround my room colors surround..
here's another diabolical selfie to update.. (mr dad says toxic made this same face in our old home movies..lol)
my first glimpse of 2019 was of the crescent moon & venus out my bedroom window.. we haven't had any snow here yet in portland, but the mountain is gorgeous & white & now we are surrounded by freezing fog, everything's covered in frost, so i'm hopeful ~ new year's day moon
we're getting alot done on innsmouth house & i'm still painting my acrylic abstracts despite freezing hands..
my only resolution is to try to worry less this year.. lol
lyrics of the day:
all the holes at once are coming alive set free, out of sight & out of mind they're lonely and they're prey the one you light your fires to keep away is crawling out upon its belly and all you have to do is say yes.. all the birds stay up in the trees all the fish swim down to the deep they're lonely and they're prey i am here come to me before it's too late the one you light your fires to keep away is crawling out upon its belly all you have to do is say yes.
it's terrifying when you find yourself looking at life through the dark slant of depression, where everything seems to signal to you that you can only make your escape to end your distress. as someone who has dealt with depression & suicidal ideation all my life i can still get pulled aside by its lies even after all this time. my weakness is when i am sick or not doing well with pain management, or both of these things simultaneously like this last week.
you add up all your challenges & see no bright future ahead, so it has a horrible seeming logic to it.
but what is left out of the equation are all the random things that happen in life that make you glad you are here, once you've made the leap of faith & find you're on the other side of another of life's black puddles i have learned to not look back.
whatever is distorting your experience Will eventually shift back to appreciation, no matter how long it takes you must trust the bigger picture, it is there even when you aren't seeing it.
i'm not being naive or underestimating the seriousness of depression or candy coating anything, i've spent years in the blackest of holes i assure you.
but one morning you wake up and feel glad you're in your own room, you'll see the snow out your window & smile, kitties will meow goodmorning to you & want love, good people will make kind gestures that restore your faith to go forward.. and in my case stupid funny things might even be what start to laugh you back to life.. (well, laughing/coughing/laughing almost passing out.. i'm just starting to recover, just posting at my blogs has felt like a valiant effort for me today)
mr dad has been very sweet & helped me, making me half a grilled cheese sandwich (on the second try) that saved my life.. my son has been chattering politics, which is music to my ears because it means he is getting well & back to normal..
over this winter's illnesses at one point mr dad was trying to make a bill payment over the phone using a voice activated system while his chest cold was affecting his vocal chords. they charge you $10 if an actual person has to talk to you, & mr dad won't give them the satisfaction, but his voice was so low saying 'yes' & 'no' that the system couldn't recognize what he was saying, so after several failed tries he panicked & attempted some high-pitched answers, which then caused him to realize i could probably hear this from the other room & wonder just what the Hell is going on? hearing him tell this story was priceless, i haven't laughed so hard in a long time..
& this old scene from the mighty boosh always cracks my son up so bad that i consider it a gem..
my challenges still feel great & my body is weak, but my will is strong as always, so i'm back in the fight.
i may always feel like a ghost, but i'm not giving it up yet,
i figure it's probably time to change my avatar since it's been well over a decade.. (i'm still a ghost..)
we tried to get out & about today to some vintage toy & collectible shops since the sun finally came out.. it has been the longest winter ever for me, & having lost my little tabitha just days ago after a nightmare period of illness, i needed some kind of distraction to get my mind out of the dark places it's been going to. she was 17 years old & had lived for many years with IBD on meds with around the clock care for the last 2, but at the end i was tortured trying to get my OCD mind to make the necessary decisions for her care, i second-guess & doubt myself so much.. i know i will have to live with it & i have traumatic 'kitty issues' from childhood.. toxic had her own kitty graveyard for all her little companions that got killed right & left..
i decided to drag the blog out of it's grave after these long last few years & update it. so help yourself & peek around, there are new secret things to discover in every crack & hole in the woodwork, new art trapdoors & albums, most notably a catalogue of ghost toys that we're still working on, toxic is very into vintage golden magazines at the moment.. also new, the clokey kids were kind enough to link gumbyland up to gumbyworld.
when i last posted my health was in decline & i basically spent 2010 sick. i'll spare some gory details here, but basically the drs finally got their claws into me, dx'ing me first with congestive heart failure, then later the cardiologist refined it to cardiomyopathy. i'm on heart meds & back on stomach meds, i even use one of those weekly pill organizers to manage my ocd error checking, but the meds don't help me much. i'm chronically phobic of eating, meal in and meal out, & symptoms never end. today i'm also choking down antibiotic horsepills for a cat bite on my arm that went particularly deep into muscle & got infected. i'm a wretched creature & have been living in near total reclusive hiding, but once in awhile i still feel in touch with my inner badass & that makes me smile.
bdhp was dx'd with diabetes, which he's managing, & daniel got his associate degree at mt hood but has been looking for 2 years for a job, so we're broke & just hanging on by our fingernails in this crazy world of greed & divisiveness. he's smart & well versed in philosophy, social psychology, theosophy & IT stuff & should be going to psu or reed college,but there's no $$$. i'm just proud of what a fine person he turned out to be.
on hollow bones while you were curled and sleeping and i wandered far beneath the concrete star and slept along the highways but even though i've been lost all the time i've got hooks in my sides that you left there but you're not the same you died along the way now we're ghosts and we're praying for winter i found a wheel that squeaks and squeals and i left it on your doorstep 'cause i heard that you might be broken too and i thought it'd keep you company but even though i've been lost all the time i've got hooks in my sides that you left there but you're not the same you died along the way now we're ghosts and we're praying for winter..
along the road/ there along the road.. was a tiny home the yard held dead machines behind it's fences like they were it's kids broken down, but still worth a lot to someone it made me stop and grin
i could see you all and you all were dancing sideways your feet stuck to the skies and i could see the airplanes dance behind your eyes and i was glad i found the time..
today we took a long drive over to washington state and then took the last remaining ferry back that crosses the columbia back into oregon from puget island.. i'm used to the ocean.. rivers are peaceful and lovely.. it was cold but sunny.. time to say one last goodbye to winter and let summer out of the basement.. oh yeah.. and we finally found our eagle..
winter is coming/radical face i see the winter she's crawling up the lawn i feel her breathing beneath my palms she tears the trees down while curses roll from her tongue got eyes like anvils and storms for lungs hiding in our house sunburn in his mouth summer's in our basement now life beneath the floor light beneath the door just enough to keep us warm don't you let it out don't you let it out just make sure he's always around but we're all out of time nothing left to decide pack your things up quick this one can't be fixed leave the rest of it behind
we push through trees now our house is covered in ice our breath falls from our mouths like tiny rainclouds we tug on summer and he melts the snow at our feet she's on our heels there's never time to stop and sleep i feel you breathing i hear you curse my name i hope that you'll forgive me one of these days the sky is bleeding the fog is thicker than walls she's wrapped up in it like cloth on a wrecking ball everything we stole everything we broke everything we bought is gone a couple dumb mistakes bigger than we thought nothing left to do but run if i could put it back fill in all the cracks nothing there i wouldn't change but wishing never helps wishing never helps wishing never solved a thing you were right.. yeah, you were right..
haunted/radical face i can hear the car as it rumbles up the driveway but i'm too scared to look so i curl up beneath the window and i pray they won't find me and i pray that i'll keep still i see your face in the glass with branches growing from your mouth you wear the moon like a halo you wear the night like it's your coat and you're always laughing but you always look afraid ..i think we're haunted hands against my eyes i hear you crying in your sleep i think we're haunted (clouds are coming down the chimney) that we're never alone (and trees are falling through the livingroom) i think we're haunted (the moon is stuck in the ceiling) and we're swimming through ghosts (the rain is pouring on the diningroom) yeah i think we're haunted (clouds are blowing up and down the walls) no we're never alone (water's flooding on the kitchen floor) i think we're haunted (the woods are all taking it back we've overstayed our welcome ..it's time we were gone) - ghost
when i was younger younger than before i never saw the truth hanging from the door and now i'm older see it face to face and now i'm older gotta get up clean the place.. and i was green.. greener than the hill where the flowers grow and the sun shone still now i'm darker than the deepest sea just hand me down.. give me a place to be.. and i was strong.. strong in the sun i thought i'd see when day was done now i'm weaker than the palest blue oh so weak in this need for you... .. know that i love you know i don't care know that i see you know i'm not there.. .. nobody knows how cold it grows and nobody sees how shaky my knees nobody cares how steep my stairs and nobody smiles if you cross their stiles.. .. so leave your house come into my shed please stop my world from raining through my head.. -nick drake
p.s. there is now a featured ghost youtube <<< if you like jan svankmejer's 'alice' or stop-motion animation, definitely check out the brothers quay.. here's a short from 'street of crocodiles'.. see more in my youtubes .. link is over in the ghost library <<<
mother mary come to me for i am a wicked child.. i've sinned and i am so confused and i am a wicked child i am a wicked child.. i am the devil's son and i wish i could be good.. ..i walk a crooked mile and i wish i could be good i wish i could be good.. if i could have kept on the straight and narrow.. if i could have kept on the straight and narrow.. and not have broke your heart not have broke your heart.. now i wake up in the night.. he's tugging at my arms and legs like i was a marionette send baby jesus to radiate his light to radiate his light.. ghost
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)
a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades
i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
seeing is deceiving..
$@x!^&*#%!/
love bites.
life sucks.
"but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
"oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. i'm mad. you're mad."
"how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
"you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
"to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
"i suppose so," said Alice.
"well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
i've been thinking about my pittypat girls alot lately <3 maybe because it's freezing & i miss sleeping with them all around me at night? so i thought i'd share their story here ~ it all started with tiny tabitha...
winter winds continue here, along with a wintry mix of rain & slush & cold.. as the year winds down to the end i can't help but have more & more thoughts of my sister.. on new year's eve it'll...
here we are already counting down the last days till xmas, it feels as if winter is breezing by too fast? perhaps due to my many stresses these days? we have all survived having our new roof & gutters installed,...
halloween is in only a couple weeks, but we've still had persistent high temps breaking records & pissing off us vampires, they call it 'augtober' :( i'm still working on my upcoming halloween party dollscape, with alice's (Not.) help.. making...
once upon a time 16 years or so ago, i started this blog. i was a regular at the popular elliott smith fan forum called sweetaddy & took the name from one of his song lyrics, in fact my posts...
i love houses ~ as an infj i have long realized i have a special sensitivity to things like old toys that feel well loved & have such a good energy about them ~ i also get the same feeling...
i mentioned how i thought i'd write another book, of short stories this time, called 'the toyroom'.. some notes so far: the lost toys in the stillness of the neglected closet, a small sound in the darkness breaks the long...
well it's june but still mercifully raining off & on, no summer yet.. sorry, but we're vampires here & detest the blazing sun & heat, a little light is ok, but i'll take the dark & a/c till autumn rolls...
through the years i've enjoyed making artbooks through shutterfly, among other cool personalized items.. the rows of never opened doors, the abstracts.. of course one devoted to my toyroom i posted about at the lost & found toy blog here...
this old painting i did decades ago now hangs in my room beneath a shelf of plush lions, tigers & bears.. it's an inner child themed storybook style watercolor called 'escape' based on a grand dream from childhood in which...
ok so it's official after just 3 months of kitty therapy i have gained 5 lbs :) & alice is just under 10 lbs now herself! little alice in wonderland after 2 solid years cursed at 111 lbs this seems...
so recently i was chatting with a fellow gumby friend about our boredshopping weakness as of late.. i've worried & felt guilty about it because for one thing i refuse to pay for shipping when i can get stickers instead....
(or the great depression part 2?) on a good note, little alice is such a blessing, she seemed to bond to each of us instantly like we've known her all along, & we suspect she might be our sabrina felina...
well we're almost to 2022.. so the approaching holiday is a sad anniversary, 7 years ago my sister had a heart attack on new year's eve & was discovered on the bathroom floor of her board & care home for...
i love books, so once upon a time i wondered if i should be a librarian? i've been working on my library inventory.. let me just say this, books are Heavy. wish i were out photoing autumn trees & leaves...
good morning.. yeah sure. so as i recover from my latest migraine i've decided i need further escape from my now traumatized ocd infj nervous system, & what better place than in the post-apocalyptic wasteland after the nuclear war &...
any other vintage gothkids or vampire introverts with time to kill? it's alice week over at the lost & found : my other blog we're halfway through with recarpeting our upstairs since we've had to break the job up to...
so summer is over. have you done your halloween decorating yet? we have.. i've been pulling skeletons out of my closet & hanging them around the house where we can enjoy them glowing at night.. not going out for our...
i've said it before, vampires don't do summer. so we survived the freakish heat event here that broke all time heat records at 118. & now my mysterious monster of a husband is home recovering from surgery to remove his...
i'm notoriously not a spring person. that said, here are some screengrabs of my latest home movie: the ghost closet (or antifashion in the time of coronavirus) no one seems to be around they must've all gone off without me...
little friends..
back in the day ~ back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel.. copyright 2008 all rights reserved
friendlyghost fun & games!!
trapdoor links to the secret gallery... sound up!
ghostfilms
lost hollow digital art album ~ ~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved