snowball in hell

ghost closet antifashion

antifashion in the time of coronavirus! ~

or subtitle 'yeah this is how bored i got' ~

so 2 years ago in march i posted my 'vault forever, surface never' post here ~

when i decided to have fun with my ghost closet antifashion t-shirts & 'no boring socks' collections ;) ~

as a vintage kid i have an extensive collection of retro & vintage clothing & wanted to bring it out & have some fun ~

so i ran a series of posts over at the lost & found toy blog accordingly ~

with a bunch of unlisted youtube shorts included for your enjoyment & amusement :D ~

starting with t-shirts of course & pants with lots of pockets ~

& ending with a lengthy 'no boring socks' finale! ~

since then i've added updates, so here is the complete finished list of posts, the ghost closet in all of its glory, complete with mysterious toys & my assistant, alice <3 ~

50 something emily the strange?

radioheadhead

everything alice

my music

ghost gallery art

skeletons in my closet

antifashion retro

johnny depp

vintage kids

nightmare before xmas

no boring socks!

antifashion update

more emily strange

kitty socks sunday with alice <3

closet skeleton

sad ghost club & bad kitties

nightmare before xmas update

more strange stuff

emu!

fred rogers

even more emily strange

radiohead & stickers

starry night boots

gothsocks

kittysocks

alice update (sometimes i'm alone, sometimes i'm not..)

halloween '23

so happy throwback thursday! continued in the comments as always..

bren/ghost

muchness!

ok so it's official after just 3 months of kitty therapy i have gained 5 lbs :)
& alice is just under 10 lbs now herself!
little alice in wonderland
after 2 solid years cursed at 111 lbs this seems miraculous.. :)

on the subject of muchness & madness, i am somewhat of a hypergraphic journaler & now have more than 30 years of my life recorded..

this started when the freudian psychologist i was seeing suggested it, & it has been a helpful tool in managing my sanity ever since..

although like this ghostblog, much of it is like talking to myself..

my mom also wrote in what she called diaries, & i have a trunkfull of them archived for safekeeping along with my own..

like our old home movies, they can also act as a time machine..

reading back through them can feel dangerous at times though..

often filled with drawings..

song lyrics..

& of course stickers, usually my own home printed ones..

charting all my classic migraines..

& fun auras..

food/health logs..

gaming, parenting, marriage..

all my struggles..

halloween..

retro nostalgia..

my sad ghost life..

& toxic..

moons & stars..

entries like the diabolical ding-dong caper still crack me & dan up to this very day..

kitties & fun..

& all my little friends..

occasional rants..

do you write in a diary or journal too? let me know in the comments where i'll continue my fascinating observations through spider season..

meanwhile the guys helped film this youtube montage of my farewell to fallout 76..

p.s. here comes the crow moon & the murder of crows in the tall trees outside my room are indeed loudly proclaiming the end of winter.. 

bren

the darkest corner of the house

so it's spider season. migraineurs know about blackout panels, well ever since i installed them i've been hiding in my lovely vampire sanctuary, the darkest corner of the house, where i can pretend it's night in the daytime and autumn in the hellish summer bright. my perfect sanctuary, my room is now the

  p e r f e c t 

hideout. a little agoraphobia 101, i am a friendly ghost, but human avoidant in 3d or on phones. i may be the only person left who doesn't have a smartphone? oh yeah, no i'm not, neither does my son. (that's my dna) anyway, i love to get out when i safely can venture into nature, into the snow or rain, or just out photoing or collecting where my human encounters are brief & anonymous & i just push the edges of my comfort zone. but things are different now during the coronavirus. i don't want to die, well i do sometimes, what i mean is i don't want to die gasping for oxygen alone in a hospital, so we are ocd good at staying in & staying germfree. 

so i've had some traumatic health challenges over the last few weeks & found myself backed right into my familiar little corner too phobic to eat except for vanilla ice cream shakes, & my electrolytes are messed up along with my sad gi tract, so after narrowly avoiding a trip to the er in the middle of the night (!) i had to have my very first video dr's appt via zoom (on mr dad's phone.) i must say i have a very good dr these days, i appreciate her very much seeing as i can avoid drs basically for years, because, they terrify me. due to bad past experiences, not her. so thankfully i am still here & have a plan to try to take care of my health at home. she said (like 5x) i have a super sensitive system & have had to figure out all the tips & tricks myself w/out benefit of the 9 years of medical school that she's had, & she even confirmed that the snowflakes i've been experiencing in my vision are migrainous & i am not going blind. :D yay!

& i'll be able to continue painting :) yay again!!

so welcome introverts, artists, vampires, gamers, catfolk & oddballs, to my blogs & gallery, & to gumbyland.. links are everywhere & will take you down the rabbithole to be sure if you are curious.. my online multiverse goes on forever & ever..

btw #infj. (yes i am a perfectly cliche reclusive toy collecting old eccentric cat lady.) (well, old as in old soul..)

& did i mention i'm already a vampire in elder scrolls online? yeah, i've always been a vampire in my gameworlds..

i'm reverse s.a.d. so come migraines or sun allergy until autumn i'll be in my time machine traveling back watching old home movies, of my long lost babies, our trails, long drives, the mountains, snowdays of olde.. i may just have a slumber party. 

deny summer!

lyrics of the day: elliott smith said it best 'i love to in the darkness hide..'

i love my room

today's lost & found post

hagraven nest

don't be nervous

p.s. the ghost gallery is meant to be viewed in the dark..

continued in the comments..

bren/ghost

2019

here's another diabolical selfie to update..
(mr dad says toxic made this same face in our old home movies..lol)

my first glimpse of 2019 was of the crescent moon & venus out my bedroom window.. we haven't had any snow here yet in portland, but the mountain is gorgeous & white & now we are surrounded by freezing fog, everything's covered in frost, so i'm hopeful ~
new year's day moon

we're getting alot done on innsmouth house & i'm still painting my acrylic abstracts despite freezing hands..

my only resolution is to try to worry less this year.. lol

lyrics of the day:

all the holes at once are coming alive
set free, out of sight & out of mind
they're lonely and they're prey
the one you light your fires to keep away
is crawling out upon its belly
and all you have to do is say  yes..
all the birds stay up in the trees
all the fish swim down to the deep
they're lonely and they're prey
i am here
come to me before it's too late
the one you light your fires to keep away
is crawling out upon its belly
all you have to do is say   yes.

rorschach

bren/ghost

darker places

it's terrifying when you find yourself looking at life through the dark slant of depression, where everything seems to signal to you that you can only make your escape to end your distress.
as someone who has dealt with depression & suicidal ideation all my life i can still get pulled aside by its lies even after all this time. my weakness is when i am sick or not doing well with pain management, or both of these things simultaneously like this last week.

you add up all your challenges & see no bright future ahead, so it has a horrible seeming logic to it.

but what is left out of the equation are all the random things that happen in life that make you glad you are here, once you've made the leap of faith & find you're on the other side of another of life's black puddles i have learned to not look back.

whatever is distorting your experience Will eventually shift back to appreciation, no matter how long it takes you must trust the bigger picture, it is there even when you aren't seeing it.

i'm not being naive or underestimating the seriousness of depression or candy coating anything, i've spent years in the blackest of holes i assure you.

but one morning you wake up and feel glad you're in your own room, you'll see the snow out your window & smile, kitties will meow goodmorning to you & want love, good people will make kind gestures that restore your faith to go forward..
and in my case stupid funny things might even be what start to laugh you back to life.. (well, laughing/coughing/laughing almost passing out.. i'm just starting to recover, just posting at my blogs has felt like a valiant effort for me today)

mr dad has been very sweet & helped me, making me half a grilled cheese sandwich (on the second try) that saved my life..
my son has been chattering politics, which is music to my ears because it means he is getting well & back to normal..

over this winter's illnesses at one point mr dad was trying to make a bill payment over the phone using a voice activated system while his chest cold was affecting his vocal chords. they charge you $10 if an actual person has to talk to you, & mr dad won't give them the satisfaction, but his voice was so low saying 'yes' & 'no' that the system couldn't recognize what he was saying, so after several failed tries he panicked & attempted some high-pitched answers, which then caused him to realize i could probably hear this from the other room & wonder just what the Hell is going on?
hearing him tell this story was priceless, i haven't laughed so hard in a long time..

& this old scene from the mighty boosh always cracks my son up so bad that i consider it a gem..

my challenges still feel great & my body is weak, but my will is strong as always, so i'm back in the fight.

i may always feel like a ghost, but i'm not giving it up yet,

bren

blood moon

boo.

did you see
the blood moon?
we've been enjoying watching cosmos, especially the episode
'a sky filled with ghosts'..
i'm still haunting.. but these days i'm hanging around the lost & found >link over there>

there are a bunch of new dollscapes in the gallery quarantine area since i last posted..

the song for the day is from nick drake ~

falling fast and falling free
you look to find a friend
talling fast and falling free
this could just be
the end
falling fast you stoop to touch
and kiss the flowers that bend
and you're ready now
for the harvest breed..

ghost at the gate

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how & why ~ the moon

we will wait at your gate hoping like the blind..

lost & found toy blog birthday!

lilac time..

i was born to love no one
no one to love me
only the wind
in the long green grass
the frost in a broken tree..

...

i can't help quoting more nick drake.. he's always in my head nowadays.. the pix are of a giant grandfather tree covered in vines that i took in the old city cemetery near fort vancouver in washington state.. i shopped them into these images of my own..
i've also started making rubbings of grave epitaphs using a pad of newsprint and china markers.. they really appeal to me..

...

a black eyed dog he called at my door
a black eyed dog he called for more
a black eyed dog he knew my name
a black eyed dog he knew my name
black eyed dog
black eyed dog
i'm growing old and i wanna go home
i'm growiing old and i don't wanna know
i'm growing old and i wanna go home
a black eyed dog he called at my door
a black eyed dog he called for more..

...

the good news is my husband starts at his new position tuesday.. i'm still the same.. so i've started on an elaborate stop-motion film project that's been hatching in my brain lately called 'blackbird's outpost'.. makes me tired just thinking how much work is involved.. but what the hell.. i've got nothing else planned to get me through the winter..

...

betty came by on her way
said she had a word to say
about things today
and fallen leaves..
said she hadn't heard
the news
hadn't had the time
to choose a way to lose
but she believes..

going to see the river man
going to tell him all i can
about the plan for lilac time..
if he tells me all he knows
about the way his river flows
and all night shows
in summertime..

betty said she prayed today
for the sky to blow away
..or maybe stay
she wasn't sure..
for when she thought of summer rain
calling for her mind again
she lost the pain
and stayed for more..

p.s. Vincent Price marathon on TCM friday!!
ghost