snowball in hell

2019

here's another diabolical selfie to update..
(mr dad says toxic made this same face in our old home movies..lol)

my first glimpse of 2019 was of the crescent moon & venus out my bedroom window.. we haven't had any snow here yet in portland, but the mountain is gorgeous & white & now we are surrounded by freezing fog, everything's covered in frost, so i'm hopeful ~
new year's day moon

we're getting alot done on innsmouth house & i'm still painting my acrylic abstracts despite freezing hands..

my only resolution is to try to worry less this year.. lol

lyrics of the day:

all the holes at once are coming alive
set free, out of sight & out of mind
they're lonely and they're prey
the one you light your fires to keep away
is crawling out upon its belly
and all you have to do is say  yes..
all the birds stay up in the trees
all the fish swim down to the deep
they're lonely and they're prey
i am here
come to me before it's too late
the one you light your fires to keep away
is crawling out upon its belly
all you have to do is say   yes.

rorschach

bren/ghost

into our darkest hour..

winter's coming, my favorite time of year, we stock up like all other creatures, for the holidays, for the freeze, for whatever's ahead..

we've all been sick here for weeks, despite flu shots, & i've been lost down in the undead ditches of dark souls 2 as i recuperate & force-feed, my therapy cat beside me hard at work.. snug

it's too cold to paint, but it is lovely sleeping weather, a perfect cure for my insomnia & bad dreams,

i think i'm going into another hibernation..

i went through an unexpected trauma one morning as i noticed our neighbors were trimming limbs off of one of the tall pine trees out front in our shared yard.. soon we heard house-shaking thuds & were horrified to realize they were cutting the huge tree Down entirely, leaving only the smaller of the 2 trees nearest our front window.. i can't explain how devastating this was to me, to change my landscape in this way so suddenly without notice, to kill the tree for seemingly no reason, i was upset beyond reason about it.
i left a note in their mailbox asking why they hadn't at least let us know beforehand & making it clear that the other tree was there to stay, & the following day they caught us on our way out & apologized & explained, it seems the roots were doing damage to their driveway & front porch, causing voids in the yard & cracks.. ok, but communication would've gone a long way toward reducing the shock, you know? i cried for that tree. & now i panic whenever i hear vehicle sounds out front thinking they're coming for the other one somehow..
i photographed birds in that tree & depended on it to help filter sunlight into our vampire lair frontroom..

i'm still estranged from family, & my sister is the same, drs & conservators remain useless as we approach 4 years of her in limbo.. i pray each night for her to cross over please..
so anyway i'm feeling the cold as we head into another winter, i lose track of dates & days & feel kinda lost..
i've left an extensive system of breadcrumb trails throughout the ghost gallery quarantine,
but there are ravens..

dissociation

ave maria
maiden mild
listen to a maiden's prayer
thou canst hear through from the wild
thou canst save amid despair
safe may we sleep beneath thy care
though banish'd, outcast and reviled
oh maiden, hear my lonely prayer
mother, hear a suppliant child
ave maria

ave maria, undefiled
the flinty couch we now must share
shall seem this down of eider piled
if thy protection hover there
the murky cavern's heavy air
shall breathe of balm if thou hast smiled
maiden hear a maiden's prayer
mother, list a suppliant child
ave maria

ave maria, stainless styled
foul demons of the earth and air
from this their wonted haunt exiled
shall flee before thy presence fair
we bow us to our lot of care
beneath thy guidance reconciled
hear for a maid a maiden's prayer
and for a father hear a child
ave maria

frozen charlotte

ave maria
gratia plena dominus tecum
benedicta tu in mulieribus
et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus
sancta maria, mater dei
ora pro nobis peccatoribus
nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae
amen

ave maria

to be continued in the comments..

known to bite..

will nothing satisfy this thirst?
up from the depths of the poison well of my own depression rises a taste for blood in my mouth again.. murder.. i'm at it again.. my aim to head up the organization of the dark brotherhood.. as a sister i've risen through the ranks of silencer and assassin and soon i alone will curl up with the cold black wings of the night mother herself surrounding me.. meanwhile i go about each task with a new zeal never betrayed by my quiet detached exterior.. except perhaps for a new dark glint in my eye?
i am lost in oblivion again..

oh yeah.. p.s.
another film bit from my archives:
for my mother
wouldn't she be proud?

benighted / opeth

come into this night
here we'll be gone so far away
from our weak and crumbling lives
come into this night
when days are done
lost and astray
in what's vanished from your eyes
what came and distorted your sight
saw you benighted by your fright

come into this night
your plight alone
carry your weight
you are flawed as all of us
come into this night
your only home
it's never too late to repent
suffer the loss
what came and distorted your sight
saw you benighted by your fright

come into this night
when you're able
to undo your deeds
and atone with your lonely soul
once you're into this night
all minds are stable
forget all your needs
lose the grip of all control

mailman / soundgarden

hello.. don't you know me?
i'm the dirt beneath your feet
the most important fool you forgot to see
i've seen how you giveth
and now i want you to receive
i'm sure that you would do the same for me
i know i'm headed for the bottom
i know i'm headed for the bottom
i know i'm headed for the bottom
but i'm riding you all the way..

for all of your kisses
turned to spit in my face
for all that reminds me which is my place
for all of the times when you made me disappear
this time i'm sure you'll know that i am here
i know i'm headed for the bottom
i know i'm headed for the bottom
i know i'm headed for the bottom

my place was beneath you
but now i am above
and now i send you a message of love..

ghost
she told me my heart was black as midnight and has named me 'listener' for my devoted silence..