snowball in hell

more things behind the sun..

halloween is in only a couple weeks, but we've still had persistent high temps breaking records & pissing off us vampires, they call it 'augtober' :(
i'm still working on my upcoming halloween party dollscape, with alice's (Not.) help.. making chocolate halloween cupcakes for raven's birthday tomorrow, & sending off a gumby fun pack for my niece's son, at our local ups store which just happens to be next door to the baskin robbins president joe biden stopped by for ice-cream over the weekend before leaving portland :) posting at the lost & found toy blog all through october since it's my favorite time of year & i've been saving up cool stuff to share.. praying for emmanuel the emu, who is fighting to survive bird flu after almost all of his bird friends have been lost :(

mr dad & i are starting on some other long term winter mini house updates so we have some cool work we can do once the snow comes.. a large kafkaesque ladybug now resides in the attic of ladybug house & our original yellow dollhouse is now transforming into the 'liddell' yellow house ;) i'm doing better most days & am at what i think of as a normal weight now thanks to kitty therapy & self-inflicted ocd exposure therapy? trying my best, but struggling mentally at times as always.. i saw a van gogh quote recently that sums up being an infj pretty well i think 'i don't know if i'm extremely sensitive or life is unbearable?'
yep. long ago i kept a things behind the sun journal.. nowadays i'm penning my more things behind the sun journal.. 

i've made the realization over these last months that i am still as agoraphobic as i was in the dim past, i was just fortunate enough to be able to live a lifestyle that kept me safe & distracted from facing that fact, even from using that term.. for so long..

lyrics of the day still an old favorite from nick drake:

things behind the sun

please beware of them that stare
they'll only smile to see you while
your time away
& once you've seen what they have been
to win the earth just won't seem worth
your night or your day
who'll hear what i say?
look around you find the ground
is not so far from where you are
but don't be too wise
for down below they never grow
they're always tired & charms are hired
from out of their eyes
never surprise.

take your time & you'll be fine
& say a prayer for people there
who live on the floor
& if you see what's meant to be
don't name the day or try to say
it happened before

don't be shy you'll learn to fly
& see the sun when day is done
if only you see
just what you are beneath a star
that came to stay one rainy day
in autumn for free
just be what you'll be
please beware of them that stare
they'll only smile to see you while
your time away
& once you've seen what they have been
to win the earth just won't seem worth
your night or your day
who'll hear what I say?

open up the broken cup
let goodly sin and sunshine in
yes that's today
& open wide the hymns you hide
you'll find renown while people frown
at things that you say
but say what you'll say
about the farmers & the fun
& the things behind the sun
& the people around your head
who say everything's been said
& the movement in your brain
that sends you out into the rain..

 

continued as usual in the comments..

bren

snowballinhell

once upon a time 16 years or so ago, i started this blog. i was a regular at the popular elliott smith fan forum called sweetaddy & took the name from one of his song lyrics, in fact my posts here were usually daily smith favorite song lyrics & i hosted my own lyrics page up at my gumbyland website here also :
from a poison well

i was new to portland & listened to elliott's music here all the time & i'd photo places he use to go & often places he mentioned in his songs..
my old portland photo album..

i had been so shocked to hear of his suicide not long before we left socal for pdx..
& i felt elliott's words as i walked rainy portland streets with my ipod earphones in & his sad quiet rares whispering to me..
we all obsessed over his lyrics at sweetaddy,
he was such a gifted songwriter & musician..
i was known at sweetaddy as friendlyghost then, & was even asked by the modgod running the forum if i'd like to be modgoddess.. <3
which i declined because i was already hosting my own support forum at the time, but that always meant alot to me, because he called me 'universally respected' there,
& that mattered to me :)
sweetaddy finally ended, but my little ghostblog kept on, sometimes busy, sometimes a true ghostblog..

i became known more as 'ghost' or 'justaghost' (still elliott-isms)
anyway i let the blog sit for a few years neglected & then brought it back once so i could have a place to express my sometimes difficult infj ghost life..
i know it's like talking to myself,
but apparently i need that..
his music makes me too sad now.
i'm having trouble with lost loved ones as well.
does grief get easier over time?
my experience has been the opposite, as time goes on & loved ones feel farther & farther away the sadness aches more & more, especially with other sad souls, like he was, like others i knew..
these days i'm feeling like i'm back to my old snowballinhell persona.. not very hopeful..

anyway my lyrics of the day are from elliott:

little one

one more little one
i'll go down
& stay down
& sleep the rest of the day
dream new music to calm down
stay down & keep evil away
i can hear you asleep
changing your shape
dissolve in some dream
as a new one appears
to take you along
where you've never been
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
the moonlight tonight
seems to belong to me
'cause i, even those who can't sleep
they need some company
one hit wouldn't hurt a bit
i'll go down
see what's there to find
if it's good shit
you won't know
& i won't know
you've found that i've died
if i seem to be reckless with myself
it's the fault of no one
all things have a place
under the moon
as well as the sun
one more little one
i love you..

i paired this old favorite up with my latest toxic inner child dollscape..

little raven's lost days (sound up)

(my name is irish for little raven)
more in the comments as usual..

the oldest house has many doors

i love houses ~

as an infj i have long realized i have a special sensitivity to things like old toys that feel well loved & have such a good energy about them ~

i also get the same feeling of good energy from certain homes ~

& i've always just loved houses for this reason ~

it borders on some kind of fetish based on a feeling of security & stored memories i guess ~

so many of my installations & dollscapes are inside houses i've created ~

and then there are the mini houses ~

mr dad & i have been building & creating our own miniature houses for many years now ~

houses even feature prominently in my dreams ~

sometimes they are happy places ~

sometimes they are not ~

they are all part of the rows of never opened doors at my ghost gallery ~

toxic loved playhouses & clubhouses or even just cardboard box kitty houses ~

much of my rpg gaming has involved building my own homes in fallout, skyrim & eso ~

& i've posted about many dollhouses over at the lost & found toy blog over the years ~

our kitties have always enjoyed our playhouses too ~

even a camper is a kind of home ~

i even love closets & doorways ~

& houses inside of houses ~

there's no place like home :) ~

click the links in this post for much more & check back for more in the comments later..

bren/ghost

my books

through the years i've enjoyed making artbooks through shutterfly, among other cool personalized items..

the rows of never opened doors, the abstracts..

of course one devoted to my toyroom i posted about at the lost & found toy blog here extensively..

i wrote a book once about our childhood..

& also some edgy poetry back in the day..

& there are all those journals, i guess all that writing is like my own personal life library?

i've been thinking about writing another book..

this time something different, a book of short stories i'm calling 'the toyroom'..

based on some of the characters found in the ghost gallery..

i've already started.. 

the shutterfly books on the a of e..

including our halloween album, my january trees & cemeteria photo album books..

writing's a long process, & i'm taking my time these days.. but someday i'll update..
meanwhile i've been observing that in life i think your brain & body & defenses try to put everything on hold as long as it can until you start to feel older & weaker & then it all can just overwhelm you..
or is this just me?

some lyrics of the day from the smile:
speech bubbles

we run for the hills
we run like fools
our city is in flames
the bells ringing
the bells ringing

devastation has come
left in a station with a note of poems
now there's never any place
never any place to put my feet back down
no, there's never anywhere
the scene is rolled away, lights are taken down
on a newspaper stand
any feeble branch to put my weight upon
well i lie to myself
anywhere i dare to put my feet back down

who fell again?
in the pouring rain
who'll find the vein
put the needle in?
& who hears that voice?
it's like bells ringing

how will i know you?
how will i know you?
how will i know you?

continued as always in the comments where i'm listing my personal mix choice for the new smile album..

bren/ghost

the ghost gallery

this old painting i did decades ago now hangs in my room beneath a shelf of plush lions, tigers & bears.. it's an inner child themed storybook style watercolor called 'escape' based on a grand dream from childhood in which we snuck out our window one night & rowed away in a little rowboat toward the big full moon.. i love that it's in my room now, it was like foreshadowing, from that little corner of the room under the window to this room now where i look out my window at the moon & all the surrounding trees & green, we finally did it, we ran away up to the snow & the trees & the river, & we didn't have to say goodbye to our beloved kitties, we took them all with us <3 this is one of the first paintings i put up in my ghost gallery hallway up at my gumbyland & gallery website 20 something years ago ~

this carousel horse painting now hangs in our stairwell gallery ~

along with several others ~

like this cold comfort scene ~

i've enjoyed being able to display my art around the house ~

from the stairwell gallery to the toy room ~

like these frog & toad paintings i did for my son's room when he was small ~

& of course gumby ~

toxic loved to paint ~

so art has been a kind of therapy for me all my life ~

it's always been a way for me to express the things i couldn't say in words ~

who knew i'd end up filling an entire online gallery ~

from studies & drawings to abstracts ~

it's been a blast trying out every creative idea over all the years ~

& having fun with filters & photoshop digital effects ~

creating entire themed art albums ~

i had to add on a second ghost gallery hallway ~

moving on to full installations ~

or what i often call dollscapes ~

& eventually adding on a third ghost gallery hallway made up of entire albums ~

that i call the rows of never opened doors ~

this page leads to the ghost gallery or specifically to the rows of never opened doors ~

click the links in this post for more, & please come in & visit anytime you are curious ~

lastly, here's an old self portrait i did as part of an art studies course ~

bren