snowball in hell

escape artist

i've long thought of myself as an escape artist. in that i find all manner of creative ways to escape the shadow side of my life experience by traveling through time or running away to fantasy lands & alternate worlds, so i've had a few rough days recently with my mood & migraine issues, not to mention the threat of a possible ww3/apocalyptic future looming.. i thought what better way to cope now that i'm able to get direct video captures from my game consoles, than to go back to my very favorite games of all time & tape time capsules of sorts to keep & remember these treasures always.. so each day i've added an hour or 2 or 3 of youtubes to my channel gaming playlist for any other gamers out there watching, or even if you aren't into gaming, these worlds are very cool to check out..

i'm devoting a post to each game on weekends over at my lost & found toy blog, starting with friday's here: american mcgee's alice madness returns
my favorite game of all time? i played this one with my own sweet cheshire cat, snug, by my side.. followed by the great from software game: bloodborne
(my character shown above, my background is again that of a troubled childhood ;) & then a look back at old elder scrolls: oblivion & morrowind
i lived here as a vampire way back before such a thing was even popular.. next weekend will be more like this & i'll update with links here..

flashback friday favorite: fable

dark souls trilogy

primal

fallout 4

fallout 4 update

fallout 4 nuka world

f4 jolly chimp

f4 nuka cafe

f4 apartments

f4 shroud manor vault

fallout 4 bren's playroom

f4 arcade games

f4 vr vault decor

fallout 4 friday

fallout 4 friday antifashion

fallout meets gumbyland (my robots)

elden ring

alice madness returns

our backyard robin family are doing fine as well as our backyard wild boy kitties, roses are growing now on my back deck & pinecones & cherry blossom petals comingle with maple leaves & needles there as alice & i bird & squirrelwatch in the fresh air.. we're trying to think of somewhere to take a drive on tuesday when it's not terribly peoply about? & the sasquatch is planning to climb to the top of beacon rock with one of his old friends (who happens to be an emt thankfully!) it's on his bucket list & he'll take the gopro with him for the adventure.. 

as i've mentioned before my middle name is joy, & i do try to look for the joys in life in every way i can.. but unfortunately at times i think my parents should've chosen ed as my midde name instead, as in existential dread? it's a constant struggle between the light & darkness in this infj ghost life of mine..

well, here are some more lyrics from the smile & i'll follow up with comments as usual later on..

wall of eyes

down a peg or two you'll go
behind a wall of eyes
of your own device
is that still you
with the hollow eyes?
change to black & white
strap yourself in..
(the trains don't go there..)

let us raise our glasses
to what we don't deserve
what we're not worthy of
so rich & wide
to the grains of sand
slipping through our hands..
(the trains don't go there..)

is that still you
with the hollow eyes?
change to black & white
so strap yourself in..

bren/ghost

2024 (or subtitle ~ migraines & terrors & beeps oh my! (repeat..)

i start each day with trepidation.
the nearby water project (projected to continue through till possibly spring of 2025) wakes me up early each morning sounding like a competition of banging machinery & alarms beeping over each other, sometimes going on for 12 hours straight.. stress literally makes me sick.
i can't tell you how nice it is on a weekend morning to wake up hearing our backyard birds like it use to be..
i escape all i can into eso but honestly i'm running out of content so i'll have to figure something different for next month onward.. but come on, be honest, with the world the way it is, wouldn't you rather be here in beautiful rainy auridon like me?

ok here's a shocker, i love the smile's new album called 'wall of eyes'..

i am asking for help
i am outside your door
i am walking away barefoot
i am asking down the street
i am climbing a tree
i am now a white sheet of paper
i am changing, the seconds pass
i am making mistakes
i am losing my shit
i am being bent out of shape
i may have been crying
i am memories that crowd a drowning field
i am trying to figure this out
i am waving a hand in front of your face
i am feeling very alone
i keep asking, asking you to repeat yourself
i think you are maybe taking the piss
i am feeling very alone and unsupported in this moment
i am deciding to shut down everything
i am a stranger tapping on the window
i understand & go on my way
i think maybe you are losing interest
i am now cycling through their almost empty city, starting again from the top
they are taking away my priveleges
i am hoping we can work this out
i am making positive noises
i am making a long series of just empty promises
i am just going along with this
i am crystalline, corrupt, sulphuric, superficial
i am a perfect self portrait
i am waiting for you to acknowledge me
i am someone else to compare me to
i am paralyzed by the weight of my own whatever
i sympathize with your decision
i am your replacement
i am seeking an opportunity
i think this doesn't fit me
i am slipping slowly down a greasy pole
i am being told to stay indoors
i am making this official
i am trying not to look
i am not asking questions
i am hiding in the closet
i am asking if can you bring round some groceries
i am leaping into the dark
the sky is full of scarecrows above & around me
i am seeing alot of patterns
i am little baby walking
i guess it doesn't matter now
i am weighing anchor & heading into port
i am getting drunk in a bar to forget
i may or may not be
i am high on my riddles, concussed
i am nothing else
i am checking in the mirror
i am changing definition
i am trying to keep my distance
this is my stop
why won't you untie me?
oh i see what's going on here
i am gently pushing an open door..

ps fuck typepad. half my album images are now broken & my 'help' ticket sits open endlessly.. now i see massive image dropout on my daily toy blog too. is this endstage typepad? so far the ghostblog seems unaffected, but i wish someone decent would buy them up & fix these matters.. (twitter too!) it just feels like all has been for naught..

here comes valentine's day..
i would say take good care of yourself this year..
i'm a happiness junkie, so i'll keep fighting for it over the misery..
hell, weirdly enough it's my middle name.
(joy)

hopefully continuing in the comments as always?..

bren (ghost)

snowglobe xmas

so as i mentioned in the comments we didn't set up a tree or decorations this year since alice would only see this as her greatest challenge to chomp & destroy xmas..

so as i live mostly as a reclusive vampire in elder scrolls online these days i decided i'd plan for the festivities there instead..

i've retreated into snowcaves & snowglobes before in my life, but this beats all.. it may still be lonely, but my kitties are with me..

i only wish i could play my retro xmas music mix here too..

bren/ghost

 

sail us to the moon

why am i so obsessed with the moon? well i spent time there as a child, tried to draw pictures of it, in secret of course, these pictures were torn up & hidden down at the bottom of a trashbin so as to never be discovered.. but later in life i was able to recreate my experiences here at my ghost gallery..

my 4th birthday happened to be the day man first walked on the moon & i'll always remember how we watched the black & white coverage on the little tv outside in our laundryroom off of the garage & then stepped outside to gaze up at the moon & wonder.. & of course i knew gumby went there..

i've had this strange affinity for the moon even through a lifelong history of classic migraines often with aura that were also brought on regularly by full moons or supermoons.. just recently i posted all moon related items up at my lost & found toys blog over the 4th of july weekend, as we love & photo the moon & stars regularly here at our house & my photo albums are full of my moon madness..

well, happy (early) bday to me, as the latest mysterious plushie dreadful just launched that i was commenting about after my last post..
(mr dad said 'get it'..)
i had been writing recently in my journal about something i call the 'sparkling dark'
it's this otherwordly feeling i remember from nights long ago in the city, often after my therapy sessions when we'd stop into petco or the grocery store before the drive home. i felt something that seemed so dark & cold, but i described it as 'sparkling dark'..
one night as my mind drifted to that feeling again as i laid here unable to sleep i realized..
the 'sparkling dark' is dissociation.. just like in childhood when i lived alone for awhile in my crater on the moon..
that place still comforts me despite it's darkness. it's cold clean stillness is so safe.
i had to have american mcgee's newest creation to go along with my ocd & anxiety bunnies,
my migraine rabbit, scruffy bumps & the love kitty in my ghost closet.. i've posted about these before at the lost & found toy blog.. american mcgee's alice is perhaps my favorite videogame world ever & he now makes plushie dreadful toys, often for those of us dealing with various health conditions, physical & mental..
& in fact i've played a part in crowd designs, on the migraine rabbit in particular i was the one who experiences aura..
& american added a shooting star to represent the scintillating scotoma some of us get before onset..
(i'm still dealing with a migraine at the moment actually.. one that began of course with the rose supermoon before the holiday..)

so why not come over & visit my closet friends at the lost & found, in my ghost closet, or in my rows of never opened doors..

meanwhile the lyrics of the day are old ones from thom:

i sucked the moon
i spoke too soon
& how much did it cost?
i was dropped from
moonbeams
& sailed on shooting stars
maybe you'll
be president
but know right from wrong
or in a flood
you'll build an ark
& sail us to the moon
sail us to the moon
sail us to the moon
sail us to the moon..

click the links scattered through this post for more mysterious toys..
& of course i'll be posting about this latest bunny at the lost & found once it arrives <3

yes, i am out of my mind, but i feel safer there.
more moon madness to continue in the comments..

bren/ghost

please..

so i've been starting to question, do lemondrops even actually melt?
looking back through old pix i still believe our beloved kitties come back to us, like toxic's tabby ditto & my special therapy kitty snug <3 & i came across an old page from my highschool notes that i remember holding up in the schoolbus window on a fieldtrip to passing cars.. lols :D

i can see the end of my life as a vampire in skyrim wrapping up soon, don't really know what world i can escape into next? i'm working on 3 different mini houses & taking on spring cleaning before the real heat closes us in.. haven't ventured out yet for a drive like i wanted because we've been too busy with other things, worried i'm becoming a full-on housebound agoraphobic like i was in the dim past.. but i guess things could be worse?

i keep a glut of photo albums up at typepad here that feel like my time machine: my photo albums (sound up)

meanwhile the lyrics of the day are classic radiohead & my sentiments precisely these days:

a heart that's full up like a landfill
a job that slowly kills you
bruises that won't heal
you look so tired & unhappy
bring down the government
they don't, they don't speak for us
i'll take a quiet life
a handshake of carbon monoxide
& no alarms & no surprises
no alarms & no surprises
no alarms & no surprises
silent, silent

this is my final fit
my final bellyache with
no alarms & no surprises
no alarms & no surprises
no alarms & no surprises, please..
such a pretty house
& such a pretty garden
& no alarms & no surprises (get me out of here)
no alarms & no surprises (get me out of here)
no alarms & no surprises, please..

ok so this is cool..

more rambling thoughts to ponder in the comments to come..

bren

it's not easy, greenbean..

rough days for me.. but i'm so thankful to my brother-in-law who drove up from socal to put in our new furnace/ac units over the last couple days :)
we haven't seen family in 20 years so it really meant alot to us all to give him a hug, even though i'm in migraine management mode at the moment with that full flower moon looming.. i've always liked sad kermit, & these song lyrics came to me during my latest anxiety attack, perhaps me trying to comfort my own inner kid? but in typical transposed weird ocd style i got the above earworm stuck in my head for awhile.. anyway these are my lyrics of the day.. more in the comments as i can..

it's not easy being green
having to spend each day the color of leaves
when i think it could be nicer
being red or yellow or gold
or something much more colorful like that
it's not easy being green
it seems you blend in
with so many other ordinary things
& people tend to pass you over
'cause you're not standing out
like flashy sparkles in the water
or stars in the sky
but green's the color of spring
& green can be cool & friendly-like
& green can be big like an ocean
or important like a mountain
or tall like a tree
when green is all there is to be
it could make you wonder why
but why wonder, why wonder?
i am green & it'll do fine
it's beautiful
& i think it's what i want to be..

-jim henson

i'm not crying, you're crying..

my echo, my shadow & me..

we three, we're all alone
living in a memory
my echo, my shadow & me

we three, we're not a crowd
we're not even company
my echo, my shadow & me

what good is the moonlight
the silvery moonlight that shines above?
i walk with my shadow
i talk with my echo
but where is the one i love?

we three, we'll wait for you
even till eternity
my echo, my shadow & me..

- the ink spots

 

the sun is shining brightly this spring morning, the wild winds & rain of yesterday seem to be over?

i should be happy? raven is all recovered from his harrowing debacle & now we're focused on putting in our backyard flowerbed/plot, where i'll soon plant my pumpkin seeds & try yet again after years of failure.. baby trees from the arbor day foundation & seed stones are all in place & we'll attempt to sow grass seed for a backyard lawn where we pulled out all the old worn out decking.. hoping for the best.

 

but i noticed after about a day of relief i kinda just crashed back into my baseline lonely meloncholy, missing my girls, feeling sadness & loss, & finding it hard to be hopeful.. i keep trying though.. the song of the day is from the ink spots, it plays here at the end of my fallout76 goodbye youtube from a couple years back.. i miss vault 11 & hope there will eventually be a fallout special edition like they've done with skyrim, if so i'll head back there to rescue kitties from the post apoc wasteland & set up my old lost & found toy & soda shop like the old days? (click links here to visit..)

i'm working on a handful of projects in various stages of completion through the spring & summer, as i shield myself from the heat & sunlight.. i think of my pmle/sun allergy vampirism as a sort of reverse S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) in that i get depressed at the time others feel happy? i see everyone happy & it just makes me feel more alone.. like ok, let's go curl up somewhere in the dark & hibernate till autumn?

except i can't, i have my guys & alice to look after ;) & those pumpkin seeds to tend to..

in socal one dropped seed resulted in an accidental pumpkin i carved for halloween, but here in a rainforest it's been a real challenge..

but mine will be the most sincere pumpkin patch i assure you!

& the great pumpkin will visit one day,

i know this.

i'll post about it next halloween for sure..

 

bren/ghost

more as always in the comments..