snowball in hell

down the rabbithole

i've been in full reclusive hiding as winter comes to a close, even as a sun allergic vampire i welcome the spring days & sunshine, birds on my back deck & the sense of 'normalcy' i keep trying to convince my overwhelmed nervous system is real, is it?

i realize i am now as agoraphobic as ever, & i have medical stuff i need to do which is my worst fear & avoidance, so i try constantly to stay distracted, in eso, losing my mind perhaps like at the end of the youtube above?

alice tries to help, but she is quite insane herself..

i recently added some cool new items to my ghostcloset so i'll come back & add some spring antifashion update shorts here once i can..

updated: ok so here we go, kicking it off with nightmare before xmas & cool cargo pants with black butterlies & lots of pockets!

then my old standby, eeyore ;)

linus & the great pumpkin in my retro kitchen :)

i gotta say i need more fallout these days!

alice in the playroom, wish i hadn't cried so much (i can relate..)

& a little extra i have tucked in the ghostcloset for cold days ahead..

i've also now amassed quite the digital library thanks to internet archive, free pdfs & music, videos & nostalgia, all a booknerd could ask for, i search for something new each time & wind up falling down some endless rabbithole of cool discoveries.. i've posted about it at the lost & found toy blog too..

the world is too scary for me anymore, i wake up in a ptsd dreadstate every morning.. not sure what else to do?
more in the comments to follow as usual..

bren

afterthoughts

i mentioned how i thought i'd write another book, of short stories this time, called 'the toyroom'..
some notes so far:

the lost toys

in the stillness of the neglected closet, a small sound in the darkness breaks the long grey silence,
as the lid of the box is pressed open & slips away, & the old toys emerge one by one onto the shelf.

the soldier in his uniform, his arms only a memory, his ears forever ringing, & the rope still tied & hanging from his neck, which was such a feat in itself to accomplish,
left in front of his proud uniform like a badge of his shame.

it was slow going for the little wooden train engine, his wheels giving little traction on even the slightest of inclines..

the forgotten birthday bear, with his birthday pin on, he felt he could lead the way, to where? they didn't know..

the broken clown, his face painted with a smile, whether he wanted to or not, making light of the dreary circumstance..

the doll did not speak, for she was mute, but her head was nevertheless filled with Everything, everything she couldn't say, everything spinning around & around over & over, everything.. everything..

the grey mouse made not a sound.

if they could make it north, to the workshop of santa claus? he might be able to help them.

they had no campfire
but they sat around the heart, the heart in ice.. why was it here?

wishing on the stars..

what do you think?

p.s. new at the ghost gallery rowsofneveropeneddoors ~ afterthoughts

my books

through the years i've enjoyed making artbooks through shutterfly, among other cool personalized items..

the rows of never opened doors, the abstracts..

of course one devoted to my toyroom i posted about at the lost & found toy blog here extensively..

i wrote a book once about our childhood..

& also some edgy poetry back in the day..

& there are all those journals, i guess all that writing is like my own personal life library?

i've been thinking about writing another book..

this time something different, a book of short stories i'm calling 'the toyroom'..

based on some of the characters found in the ghost gallery..

i've already started.. 

the shutterfly books on the a of e..

including our halloween album, my january trees & cemeteria photo album books..

writing's a long process, & i'm taking my time these days.. but someday i'll update..
meanwhile i've been observing that in life i think your brain & body & defenses try to put everything on hold as long as it can until you start to feel older & weaker & then it all can just overwhelm you..
or is this just me?

some lyrics of the day from the smile:
speech bubbles

we run for the hills
we run like fools
our city is in flames
the bells ringing
the bells ringing

devastation has come
left in a station with a note of poems
now there's never any place
never any place to put my feet back down
no, there's never anywhere
the scene is rolled away, lights are taken down
on a newspaper stand
any feeble branch to put my weight upon
well i lie to myself
anywhere i dare to put my feet back down

who fell again?
in the pouring rain
who'll find the vein
put the needle in?
& who hears that voice?
it's like bells ringing

how will i know you?
how will i know you?
how will i know you?

continued as always in the comments where i'm listing my personal mix choice for the new smile album..

bren/ghost

muchness!

ok so it's official after just 3 months of kitty therapy i have gained 5 lbs :)
& alice is just under 10 lbs now herself!
little alice in wonderland
after 2 solid years cursed at 111 lbs this seems miraculous.. :)

on the subject of muchness & madness, i am somewhat of a hypergraphic journaler & now have more than 30 years of my life recorded..

this started when the freudian psychologist i was seeing suggested it, & it has been a helpful tool in managing my sanity ever since..

although like this ghostblog, much of it is like talking to myself..

my mom also wrote in what she called diaries, & i have a trunkfull of them archived for safekeeping along with my own..

like our old home movies, they can also act as a time machine..

reading back through them can feel dangerous at times though..

often filled with drawings..

song lyrics..

& of course stickers, usually my own home printed ones..

charting all my classic migraines..

& fun auras..

food/health logs..

gaming, parenting, marriage..

all my struggles..

halloween..

retro nostalgia..

my sad ghost life..

& toxic..

moons & stars..

entries like the diabolical ding-dong caper still crack me & dan up to this very day..

kitties & fun..

& all my little friends..

occasional rants..

do you write in a diary or journal too? let me know in the comments where i'll continue my fascinating observations through spider season..

meanwhile the guys helped film this youtube montage of my farewell to fallout 76..

p.s. here comes the crow moon & the murder of crows in the tall trees outside my room are indeed loudly proclaiming the end of winter.. 

bren

collector

so recently i was chatting with a fellow gumby friend about our boredshopping weakness as of late..

i've worried & felt guilty about it because for one thing i refuse to pay for shipping when i can get stickers instead.

but as a sticker addict since childhood i realized i've really moved on to the hard stuff now that i picked up this cool hardback antiquarian sticker book with over 1000 cool vintage victorian images, i should live so long to use them all in my prolific journals..

but honestly while going through my many typepad albums fixing broken image links i realized the obvious. i am & have always been a collector, whether it was toxic with her favorite jeans with all the many pockets for picking up cool pebbles or storing coin machine prizes, or running my ebay sales to earn enough to compile my beloved gumbyland collection..

i can't help it if i have many interests, right? whether it's vintage toys & kids books or halloween, dolls, radiohead, cards or cool socks..

we have had a blast through all our many years of toy expo shows, collectible shops, bookstores & library sales, estate sales & yardsales & comicfest events.. the only difference now is that i've had to make purchases online from home..

ok yes, i know i am one spoiled ocd princess. 

but i love being surrounded by tiny treasures & all their associated memories that remind me of all our good times..

click on the links in this post for more collectible fun :) (continuing in the comments)

bren (& toxic)

winter welcome

i love books, so once upon a time i wondered if i should be a librarian?
i've been working on my library inventory..
let me just say this, books are Heavy.

wish i were out photoing autumn trees & leaves for my new november blue album
but honestly i'm just not up to it..
i also wanted to photo the mourners moon, it was a blood moon & the longest partial eclipse in over 500 years,
but it's just been way too grey..

lyrics for the day from the decemberists

a record year for rainfall:

i read in the paper today
it's been a record year for rainfall
& you were leaning against the bathroom wall
in your lonely dress
it was your only dress
i stand accusing across
i got a temper set for tender
& you were shrugging it off like a feather
saying 'oh would you look at this weather'
but what's the use of all of this?
just to remember you in the entire
as i'm watching it slip away
& in the annals of the empire
did it look this grey
before the fall?
before the fall?
so rake your thumbnail across
the stretch of the patina
revealing a proserpina
in a low recline
in a steep decline
but what's the use of all of this?
just to remember you in the entire
as i'm watching it slip away
& in the annals of the empire
did it look this grey?
does it look so grey?
does it always look so grey
before the fall?
before the fall..

also a special post at the lost & found blog friday, sort of a ghost gallery breakdown & invitation,
check it out if you're stuck inside with quiet time like this lonely ghost..

the ghost gallery

day after: raven caught it peeking in our skylights..

more to come in the comments..

bren/ghost

snowcave

i'm digging into my snowcave early this year, & will continue pouring my art therapy here through the winter: snowcave album (sound up)

out & about: silver falls
autumn mix album

journal pages: ghost blog snowcave
terror build-up

oh yeah, happy halloween.
innsmouth house
the making of innsmouth house

i'll probably be around here, look for me if you are too & we'll kill stuff together:
ghost pix eso

can't make a sound

i have become a silent movie
the hero killed the clown
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
nobody knows what he's doing
still hanging around
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
the slow motion moves me
the monologue means nothing to me
bored in the role, but he can't stop
standing up to sit back down
to lose the one thing found
spinning the world like a toy top
till there's a ghost in every town
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
can't make a sound
eyes locked and shining
can't you tell me what's happening?
why should you want any other when you're a world within a world?
why should you want any other when you're a world within a world?
why should you want any other when you're a world within a world?
why should you want any other when you're a world within a world?

continued in the comments..

bren/ghost

p.s. nothing ever changes..
i am here