it's terrifying when you find yourself looking at life through the dark slant of depression, where everything seems to signal to you that you can only make your escape to end your distress.
as someone who has dealt with depression & suicidal ideation all my life i can still get pulled aside by its lies even after all this time. my weakness is when i am sick or not doing well with pain management, or both of these things simultaneously like this last week.
you add up all your challenges & see no bright future ahead, so it has a horrible seeming logic to it.
but what is left out of the equation are all the random things that happen in life that make you glad you are here, once you've made the leap of faith & find you're on the other side of another of life's black puddles i have learned to not look back.
whatever is distorting your experience Will eventually shift back to appreciation, no matter how long it takes you must trust the bigger picture, it is there even when you aren't seeing it.
i'm not being naive or underestimating the seriousness of depression or candy coating anything, i've spent years in the blackest of holes i assure you.
but one morning you wake up and feel glad you're in your own room, you'll see the snow out your window & smile, kitties will meow goodmorning to you & want love, good people will make kind gestures that restore your faith to go forward..
and in my case stupid funny things might even be what start to laugh you back to life.. (well, laughing/coughing/laughing almost passing out.. i'm just starting to recover, just posting at my blogs has felt like a valiant effort for me today)
mr dad has been very sweet & helped me, making me half a grilled cheese sandwich (on the second try) that saved my life..
my son has been chattering politics, which is music to my ears because it means he is getting well & back to normal..
over this winter's illnesses at one point mr dad was trying to make a bill payment over the phone using a voice activated system while his chest cold was affecting his vocal chords. they charge you $10 if an actual person has to talk to you, & mr dad won't give them the satisfaction, but his voice was so low saying 'yes' & 'no' that the system couldn't recognize what he was saying, so after several failed tries he panicked & attempted some high-pitched answers, which then caused him to realize i could probably hear this from the other room & wonder just what the Hell is going on?
hearing him tell this story was priceless, i haven't laughed so hard in a long time..
& this old scene from the mighty boosh always cracks my son up so bad that i consider it a gem..
my challenges still feel great & my body is weak, but my will is strong as always, so i'm back in the fight.
i may always feel like a ghost, but i'm not giving it up yet,
bren