snowball in hell

known to bite..

will nothing satisfy this thirst?
up from the depths of the poison well of my own depression rises a taste for blood in my mouth again.. murder.. i'm at it again.. my aim to head up the organization of the dark brotherhood.. as a sister i've risen through the ranks of silencer and assassin and soon i alone will curl up with the cold black wings of the night mother herself surrounding me.. meanwhile i go about each task with a new zeal never betrayed by my quiet detached exterior.. except perhaps for a new dark glint in my eye?
i am lost in oblivion again..

oh yeah.. p.s.
another film bit from my archives:
for my mother
wouldn't she be proud?

benighted / opeth

come into this night
here we'll be gone so far away
from our weak and crumbling lives
come into this night
when days are done
lost and astray
in what's vanished from your eyes
what came and distorted your sight
saw you benighted by your fright

come into this night
your plight alone
carry your weight
you are flawed as all of us
come into this night
your only home
it's never too late to repent
suffer the loss
what came and distorted your sight
saw you benighted by your fright

come into this night
when you're able
to undo your deeds
and atone with your lonely soul
once you're into this night
all minds are stable
forget all your needs
lose the grip of all control

mailman / soundgarden

hello.. don't you know me?
i'm the dirt beneath your feet
the most important fool you forgot to see
i've seen how you giveth
and now i want you to receive
i'm sure that you would do the same for me
i know i'm headed for the bottom
i know i'm headed for the bottom
i know i'm headed for the bottom
but i'm riding you all the way..

for all of your kisses
turned to spit in my face
for all that reminds me which is my place
for all of the times when you made me disappear
this time i'm sure you'll know that i am here
i know i'm headed for the bottom
i know i'm headed for the bottom
i know i'm headed for the bottom

my place was beneath you
but now i am above
and now i send you a message of love..

ghost
she told me my heart was black as midnight and has named me 'listener' for my devoted silence..

climbing back out...?

here we go again:
days no s.i. - 3    days no alcohol - 330
good news for me is i've lost a couple lbs. so i feel better...

bina bear (sabina) has started a message board here:
attachment board

atoms for peace

no more going to the dark side with your flying saucer eyes..
no more falling down a wormhole that i have to pull you out..
the wriggling, squiggling worm inside
devours from the inside out..
no more talk about the old days
it's time for something great
i want you to get out
and make it work
so many allies
so many allies
so many allies
so feel the love come off of them
and take me in your arms..

peel all of your layers off
i want to eat your artichoke heart
no more leaky holes in your brain
and no false starts
i wanna get out
and make it work
so many allies
so many allies
so many allies
so feel the love come off of them
and take me in your arms
i wanna get out
and make it work
i want you to get out
and make it work

it'll be ok..

-thom yorke
p.s. an excellent interpretation of this song's possible message:
atoms for peace

ghost

update:
2 new installations in sg #2!!
it's my 9th day & i'm depressed..
thoughts again of self-injury...
still battling the eating disorder dilemma,
over the weekend nearly made myself pass out
out in the heat, hadn't eaten/drank enough??
i really appreciate my new friends and don't
want to disappoint anyone..
but i can't help being the way i am i guess..
nothing touches what's most wrong..

this is from opeth: closure
heal myself.. a feather on my heart
look inside.. there never was a start
peel myself.. dispose of severed skin
all subsides.. around me and within
there's nothing painful in this
there's no upheaval
redemption for my pathos
all sins undone
awaiting word on what's to come
in helpless prayers a hope lives on
'cause i've come clean i've forgotten what i promised
in the rays of the sun
i am longing for the darkness...
-ghost

p.s. this place is not unlike the winchester mystery house..
i can't seem to stop adding windows to walls.. and stairways and doorways to nowhere...

people

being around them only hurts..
idiot.     i never learn...

here if you want me..

dancing on the highway

here if you want me
listening so close from far away
i memorized what you told me
like a foreigner on holiday
i know to smile at confusion
and not forget the soul that smiles on me
dancing on the highway
the broken line that led from you to me
well, i'll be at my station all night
so come on by if you feel like

still here if you want me
look at what i can do with empty time
a lost love that likes to haunt me
it's waiting around to meet me when i die
death surrounds.. protects the living
this is what you said and i agreed
not to be unforgiving
just because your soul is untimely free
cause i'm here if you want me, my love
dancing on the highway

but your sun still burns my eye
oh why?
oh why?

i found some rare elliott smith downloads today..
that made me cry..
it made my lonely day...

stained glass eyes

people sink your boat
when you cut a tragic figure
they drink their lemonade
and throw you a line..
boil your problem down
to yes and no, what’s the matter?
they bomb your promenade
and this makes it shine
so you must play the comic
if they want one
and describe their moment
when they’re in one..

people pass you by
passing up the chance to know you
they're irregular
in the usual way..
you should crack a smile
once in a while, it makes you pretty
it makes you wanna give
them a piece of your mind..

but they can’t be people
not if i’m one
if i have to be like them
i’d rather be no one

couldn’t make the scene
not with all the people looking
all these connoisseurs
on guard all the time..
rather spend the day
blank as hell by the window
looking out of my
stained glass eyes...

friendlyghost

another not so great day...

it's another really not so great day..
but to update i have at least gone 135 days without cutting and 251 days without alcohol..
i credit my ability to do this with leaving therapy behind.. (among other things.. like my space alien parents who don't even seem to remember me now...) and the awful feeling of trying to reach out to another fake plastic prozactive so and so who supposedly cared and supposedly knew anything about me at all.. (while i sliced myself to ribbons and sat there invisibly bleeding or drank myself through it all...)
fuck all that.

there is really no such thing as professional 'help' for me.. i'm too insecurely attached to be fixed up.. no more. i know i'm screwed. i'll spend my money on videogames first...
but it's certainly true that what i am thinking all about is cutting today.

friendlyghost

it's opeth today:
speak to me now and the world will crumble
open a door and the moon will fall
all of your life.. all your memories
go to your dreams.. forget it all
sleep my child
sleep my child
sleep my child
sleep my child

many unhappy returns