snowball in hell

my echo, my shadow & me..

we three, we're all alone
living in a memory
my echo, my shadow & me

we three, we're not a crowd
we're not even company
my echo, my shadow & me

what good is the moonlight
the silvery moonlight that shines above?
i walk with my shadow
i talk with my echo
but where is the one i love?

we three, we'll wait for you
even till eternity
my echo, my shadow & me..

- the ink spots

 

the sun is shining brightly this spring morning, the wild winds & rain of yesterday seem to be over?

i should be happy? raven is all recovered from his harrowing debacle & now we're focused on putting in our backyard flowerbed/plot, where i'll soon plant my pumpkin seeds & try yet again after years of failure.. baby trees from the arbor day foundation & seed stones are all in place & we'll attempt to sow grass seed for a backyard lawn where we pulled out all the old worn out decking.. hoping for the best.

 

but i noticed after about a day of relief i kinda just crashed back into my baseline lonely meloncholy, missing my girls, feeling sadness & loss, & finding it hard to be hopeful.. i keep trying though.. the song of the day is from the ink spots, it plays here at the end of my fallout76 goodbye youtube from a couple years back.. i miss vault 11 & hope there will eventually be a fallout special edition like they've done with skyrim, if so i'll head back there to rescue kitties from the post apoc wasteland & set up my old lost & found toy & soda shop like the old days? (click links here to visit..)

i'm working on a handful of projects in various stages of completion through the spring & summer, as i shield myself from the heat & sunlight.. i think of my pmle/sun allergy vampirism as a sort of reverse S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) in that i get depressed at the time others feel happy? i see everyone happy & it just makes me feel more alone.. like ok, let's go curl up somewhere in the dark & hibernate till autumn?

except i can't, i have my guys & alice to look after ;) & those pumpkin seeds to tend to..

in socal one dropped seed resulted in an accidental pumpkin i carved for halloween, but here in a rainforest it's been a real challenge..

but mine will be the most sincere pumpkin patch i assure you!

& the great pumpkin will visit one day,

i know this.

i'll post about it next halloween for sure..

 

bren/ghost

more as always in the comments..

 

ghost closet antifashion

antifashion in the time of coronavirus! ~

or subtitle 'yeah this is how bored i got' ~

so 2 years ago in march i posted my 'vault forever, surface never' post here ~

when i decided to have fun with my ghost closet antifashion t-shirts & 'no boring socks' collections ;) ~

as a vintage kid i have an extensive collection of retro & vintage clothing & wanted to bring it out & have some fun ~

so i ran a series of posts over at the lost & found toy blog accordingly ~

with a bunch of unlisted youtube shorts included for your enjoyment & amusement :D ~

starting with t-shirts of course & pants with lots of pockets ~

& ending with a lengthy 'no boring socks' finale! ~

since then i've added updates, so here is the complete finished list of posts, the ghost closet in all of its glory, complete with mysterious toys & my assistant, alice <3 ~

50 something emily the strange?

radioheadhead

everything alice

my music

ghost gallery art

skeletons in my closet

antifashion retro

johnny depp

vintage kids

nightmare before xmas

no boring socks!

antifashion update

more emily strange

kitty socks sunday with alice <3

closet skeleton

sad ghost club & bad kitties

nightmare before xmas update

more strange stuff

emu!

fred rogers

even more emily strange

radiohead & stickers

starry night boots

gothsocks

kittysocks

alice update (sometimes i'm alone, sometimes i'm not..)

halloween '23

so happy throwback thursday! continued in the comments as always..

bren/ghost

the pittypats

i've been thinking about my pittypat girls alot lately <3

maybe because it's freezing & i miss sleeping with them all around me at night?

so i thought i'd share their story here ~

it all started with tiny tabitha who we rescued from a local garage that had mama kitties & babies all hiding in the corners, we didn't want her to be alone & we'd already spotted a funny little white siamese mix kitten at our local pet shop so we brought her home too ~

meet tabitha sassafras pittypat & her 'flower sister' sabrina felina ~

we had a secure fenced in backyard down in warm sunny socal back then so at first they were backyard babies, playing in the flowerbeds & having a wild time..

but tabitha wanted to live inside.. so of course we let them in!

they were indoor/outdoor kitties & tabitha had many very cute boyfriends! (sabrina couldn't be less impressed with them..)

& soon she was 'with kittens' <3

sabrina felina was soon to be an auntie..

in spring of 2001 was the blessed event :D dan/raven stayed home from school & we sat with tabitha as she had 5 adorable pittypats, all daughters!

miette, snug, pickles, hepsebah & rose blue..

sabrina loved them just as if they were her own as well of course..

these were the best of times as our pittypats played & had a blast, but we soon realized we needed a bigger place..

so we bought a house! & mr dad closed in our backyard patio to make it a 'catio'.. (long before this was a thing..)

they had a gorgeous green ivy enclosed backyard to play in each day with dan as their shepherd watching over them with the cat toys to keep them safe & happy <3

but we needed a bigger house!! so eventually we tucked them all into their large carriers & drove an rv up here to portland ;)

where they lived the rest of their lives as happy indoor girls..

i love them with all my heart & i know they're still right here with me somehow & that we'll all be together again someday.. meanwhile i comfort myself with all our home movies which just remind me they had the happiest lives of any kitties i've ever known <3

in memory:

sabrina felina (spring 2000 - august 24, 2018) our funny bunny..
miss tabitha ~ (spring 2000 - february 21 2017) my fluffyhead daughter..
hepsebah (boopy lou) (4-26-2001 ~ 8-25-2017) who made giant leaps of joy, our gaming partner..
snugglebug (april 26, 2001 - september 20, 2019) my special cheshire kitty..
miss rose (4-26-2001 ~ 8-02-2019) raven's girl..
miss miette (4-26-2001 ~ 3-31-2015) our hello kitty..
miss pickles (4-26-2001 ~ 2-7-2013) daddy's girl..

toxic had so many wild kitties & we love & remember them all..

now we have feisty alice who keeps us all on our toes!

much more up at my youtube channel & photo albums here..

bren

winter winds

winter winds continue here, along with a wintry mix of rain & slush & cold..

as the year winds down to the end i can't help but have more & more thoughts of my sister..

on new year's eve it'll be 8 years of her lying there in her limbo..

she gave me the language of art & poetry, song lyrics & music ~

the world just seems so insane to me now ~

& i miss my girls..

i feel like hiding in my snowcave again..

click the links for more.. to be continued in the comments..

bren

scary merry xmas!

here we are already counting down the last days till xmas, it feels as if winter is breezing by too fast? perhaps due to my many stresses these days? we have all survived having our new roof & gutters installed, which i now think of as a rite of passage to becoming old, truly, the shock of the price alone aged us here, let alone the days of work over our heads & then the water torture of rain dripping over the head of my bed into a brand new metal downspout..
& the unreal event of hearing our skylights literally fly off of the house when the first gusts of east winds from the gorge came in.. i feel traumatized at best, but i'm still here, apparently.. our house is becoming perhaps fittingly, like the wonderland mystery manor, with strange & increasing modifications to our household in an attempt to stay a step ahead of our tiny gremlin, alice.. the most curious of kitties, who must leap to every height & chew each and every curious object she can find.. cord protectors, glass doors on all of our cabinets of collectible curiosities, high shelves & cabinets inside of closets.. curiouser & curiouser..
the last modification was due to her deciding she could probably fly up to the top of the already weirdly high cabinet i kept in my bathroom for jewelry & perfumes, etc.. she in fact could not, resulting in not only her crashing down to the floor but her busting one of the overhead incandescent globe style lightbulbs over the sink there, sending little broken bits of sharp glass & weird white powder everywhere & completely freaking out this poor ocd soul. :o thank goodness raven & mr dad were here to help carefully put everything right.. my hands are so dry with splits & literally bleeding from my raccoon-like hand-washing.. :/
(at least until her next great adventure?) 

so what better way to distract myself from my troubles than to tape a winter 2022 update to my ghost closet antifashion collection? yeah, i'm back.. posted the first portion at the lost & found here, the return of 50 something emily strange.. & there will be several more, as i have fun with the new clothes i don't really get to wear anywhere anymore as i'm regressed to quite the reclusive agoraphobic these days.. of course there will be more not at all boring socks!! & my ads of late make sure i do not run low, that is for certain.. my weakness for boredshopping is well calibrated into whatever formula devises my daily ads.. (click the links for some examples)

oh & i'm still hanging on with fellow resisters over on twitter despite the insanity..
but just in case i've set myself up on post, if anyone else would like to follow? 

more to come in the comments link below as usual..

more things behind the sun..

halloween is in only a couple weeks, but we've still had persistent high temps breaking records & pissing off us vampires, they call it 'augtober' :(
i'm still working on my upcoming halloween party dollscape, with alice's (Not.) help.. making chocolate halloween cupcakes for raven's birthday tomorrow, & sending off a gumby fun pack for my niece's son, at our local ups store which just happens to be next door to the baskin robbins president joe biden stopped by for ice-cream over the weekend before leaving portland :) posting at the lost & found toy blog all through october since it's my favorite time of year & i've been saving up cool stuff to share.. praying for emmanuel the emu, who is fighting to survive bird flu after almost all of his bird friends have been lost :(

mr dad & i are starting on some other long term winter mini house updates so we have some cool work we can do once the snow comes.. a large kafkaesque ladybug now resides in the attic of ladybug house & our original yellow dollhouse is now transforming into the 'liddell' yellow house ;) i'm doing better most days & am at what i think of as a normal weight now thanks to kitty therapy & self-inflicted ocd exposure therapy? trying my best, but struggling mentally at times as always.. i saw a van gogh quote recently that sums up being an infj pretty well i think 'i don't know if i'm extremely sensitive or life is unbearable?'
yep. long ago i kept a things behind the sun journal.. nowadays i'm penning my more things behind the sun journal.. 

i've made the realization over these last months that i am still as agoraphobic as i was in the dim past, i was just fortunate enough to be able to live a lifestyle that kept me safe & distracted from facing that fact, even from using that term.. for so long..

lyrics of the day still an old favorite from nick drake:

things behind the sun

please beware of them that stare
they'll only smile to see you while
your time away
& once you've seen what they have been
to win the earth just won't seem worth
your night or your day
who'll hear what i say?
look around you find the ground
is not so far from where you are
but don't be too wise
for down below they never grow
they're always tired & charms are hired
from out of their eyes
never surprise.

take your time & you'll be fine
& say a prayer for people there
who live on the floor
& if you see what's meant to be
don't name the day or try to say
it happened before

don't be shy you'll learn to fly
& see the sun when day is done
if only you see
just what you are beneath a star
that came to stay one rainy day
in autumn for free
just be what you'll be
please beware of them that stare
they'll only smile to see you while
your time away
& once you've seen what they have been
to win the earth just won't seem worth
your night or your day
who'll hear what I say?

open up the broken cup
let goodly sin and sunshine in
yes that's today
& open wide the hymns you hide
you'll find renown while people frown
at things that you say
but say what you'll say
about the farmers & the fun
& the things behind the sun
& the people around your head
who say everything's been said
& the movement in your brain
that sends you out into the rain..

 

continued as usual in the comments..

bren

snowballinhell

once upon a time 16 years or so ago, i started this blog. i was a regular at the popular elliott smith fan forum called sweetaddy & took the name from one of his song lyrics, in fact my posts here were usually daily smith favorite song lyrics & i hosted my own lyrics page up at my gumbyland website here also :
from a poison well

i was new to portland & listened to elliott's music here all the time & i'd photo places he use to go & often places he mentioned in his songs..
my old portland photo album..

i had been so shocked to hear of his suicide not long before we left socal for pdx..
& i felt elliott's words as i walked rainy portland streets with my ipod earphones in & his sad quiet rares whispering to me..
we all obsessed over his lyrics at sweetaddy,
he was such a gifted songwriter & musician..
i was known at sweetaddy as friendlyghost then, & was even asked by the modgod running the forum if i'd like to be modgoddess.. <3
which i declined because i was already hosting my own support forum at the time, but that always meant alot to me, because he called me 'universally respected' there,
& that mattered to me :)
sweetaddy finally ended, but my little ghostblog kept on, sometimes busy, sometimes a true ghostblog..

i became known more as 'ghost' or 'justaghost' (still elliott-isms)
anyway i let the blog sit for a few years neglected & then brought it back once so i could have a place to express my sometimes difficult infj ghost life..
i know it's like talking to myself,
but apparently i need that..
his music makes me too sad now.
i'm having trouble with lost loved ones as well.
does grief get easier over time?
my experience has been the opposite, as time goes on & loved ones feel farther & farther away the sadness aches more & more, especially with other sad souls, like he was, like others i knew..
these days i'm feeling like i'm back to my old snowballinhell persona.. not very hopeful..

anyway my lyrics of the day are from elliott:

little one

one more little one
i'll go down
& stay down
& sleep the rest of the day
dream new music to calm down
stay down & keep evil away
i can hear you asleep
changing your shape
dissolve in some dream
as a new one appears
to take you along
where you've never been
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
the moonlight tonight
seems to belong to me
'cause i, even those who can't sleep
they need some company
one hit wouldn't hurt a bit
i'll go down
see what's there to find
if it's good shit
you won't know
& i won't know
you've found that i've died
if i seem to be reckless with myself
it's the fault of no one
all things have a place
under the moon
as well as the sun
one more little one
i love you..

i paired this old favorite up with my latest toxic inner child dollscape..

little raven's lost days (sound up)

(my name is irish for little raven)
more in the comments as usual..