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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« please.. | Main | welcome to autumn »

July 07, 2023


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the planet's too hot.
species are dying off.
there's more plastic than fish
in the oceans.
AI may soon be able to record our dreams & is apparently not as benevolent as the character in the spielberg film (my favorite scene in this film is when he meets the blue fairy..)
there seems to be a
'friendship recession'?
my birthday's on thursday & i feel ever the ancient vampire.. (& no, my new bunny won't get here in time..)
we're Still getting fireworks at night :/
yeah, i'm grumpy tonight.
i could go on..

lyrics of the day are classic radiohead..

knives out

i want you to know
he's not coming back
look into my eyes
i'm not coming back
so knives out
catch the mouse
don't look down
shove it in your mouth
if you'd been a dog
they would've drowned you at birth
look into my eyes
it's the only way you'll know
i'm telling the truth
so knives out
cook him up
squash his head
put him in the pot
i want you to know
he's not coming back
he's bloated & frozen
still there's no point
in letting it go to waste
so knives out
catch the mouse
squash his head
put him in the pot..

p.s. new captures ;)


ok so i took my grumpy mood into skyrim & have been on a ruthless killing spree training my one-handed weapon abilities.. i've killed every living thing that has crossed my path with my little homemade madness dagger & it's been kinda fun :D
check out some of my kills here:


my birthday was lowkey, then i noticed someone i like, joyce vance (i read her substack) was also celebrating her birthday so i wished her a happy one over on twitter.. & she wished me one back! ;)
how cool is that? i always appreciate her knowledge & wisdom (& her kitties & fluffyhead chickens!)
oh, & i think i need this:

winding up my long skyrim playthrough now with even more youtube captures..
i think i'll go play ESO for august.. ?


once upon a time 7 years ago i devoted a good deal of my comments here to a very troubling situation with my older sister, cathy, who after a long life of chronic mental illness & troubles suffered a heart attack in the bathroom of her board & care facility down in LA & was discovered & brought back to 'life' albeit brain death, & her long nightmare of lying there choking on trach tubes & getting skinnier & curling up like some poor zombie, despite our family's wishes which were made known to the court.. this is a great wrong that we do, in my opinion, holding onto 'life' when nature has made its call, & my other older sister, caren, who has always been the grownup amongst us traumatized vintage kids got a dnr into place after years of planetrips back & forth with drs avoiding her & hiding from her.. well, she has now attended several court proceedings online & managed to get the judge to have cathy moved into a hospice for end of life care! this is a sad but good thing <3
& i await updates ahead..
i pray every night for her to cross over & be in peace & out of this nightmare..

so i had a rough bday i'll admit, as my guys forgot.. is this just guys? i got apologies days later, & as someone who's lived with an a.d.d. sasquatch husband for decades i've learned to deal with being forgotten.. (by ordering some cool toy i want ahead of time as comfort ;) but i feel sorry for him too..
anyway i had to p.s. my sister about something i've noticed over the last years.. so i have cathy's 'crazy laugh' that we use to joke about long ago, maybe not as loud as she use to? but whenever i catch myself doing it, it feels like i'm hearing her.. i have it now.. i'll carry it on ;) <3

the album i made once for cathy is here (sound up is essential..)


i said my goodbyes to skyrim today after creating my last weapon, a stalhrim bow i enchanted with a special lunar enchantment that only works when you use it at night under the moons.. & called it the 'sparkling dark bow'

so i had a panic attack today. full on to where i felt like i'd throw up & my heart hurt. not good. recovering from it & wondering if i should talk to my therapist, it has been a long time..?

as i retreat more & more into agoraphobic reclusion it seems the only people i end up interacting with apparently are famous people on social media? was commenting back & forth with carson ellis on her substack about our local owls here:
if you don't know, she is married to colin meloy of the decemberists & an artist who did all the artwork on the wildwood books etc.. ;)

my ads of late:
ok this never ends, huh? i think i have sufficient #noboringsocks

oh! it Has been hot.. :D

still waiting for my dissociation bunny to arrive.. actually i would also like for real dissociation to arrive just about now.. please?


ok now this is just Me.

hey! i could wear this to do my bloodlab!!
i am an antifashionista!!!


mysterious toys today over at the lost & found toy blog:
including my latest,
the dissociation bunny:
<3 (new youtube included here..)

on the subject of inner kids, i'm venturing back into eso now after a long time, in my khajiit (bren khat) form, only level 10, trying to remember where i am & how to survive..
i'm putting up youtube captures of my experiences there & my homes & kitties in my youtube gaming playlist up here on my channel.. ;)

my gameworlds, my home movies, my toyroom or my photography albums & rowsofneveropeneddoors..
i'm forever in need of my reality escape hatches..



brought back my old character for a fun capture in eso here:

lolols a must read:


having some fun this morning over at the lost & found if anyone out there needs a little weird tv nostalgia ;)

oh noo.. peewee? :(

a vangoghesque wonderland:


my beautiful place to get lost:

& if you haven't seen this yet, you'll want to make the time <3
i miss this guy already..

ohh!!! happy early halloween!!!!!


it rained a little bit this morning :D
a wonderful little break..
we've been catching up on all our saved up oregon field guide shows on opb..
today i took a little youtube of our sweet alice with her little friends on this golden afternoon ~

at first we wondered if alice is sabrina returned, since there are some similarities, but as we get to know her better i feel she is a unique soul, a sweet little flower sister from hawaii that our pittypat girls & miss felina would adore <3 she sits above the boxes where we keep their ashes in their sunny room with the cherry blossom petals & skylights & the eric carle inspired piece i did in their memory: (sound up)

i so enjoyed watching sid krofft on his insta 'sid krofft sunday' today at catcon! :D i'd seen pix of his persian boys & of course he is a cat person through & through <3 rob reger (emily creator) visited him there too & they talked about paul reubens.. i had commented over at sid's very last talk with him 'who knew i'd love paul reubens' grown up self maybe even more than his beloved peewee herman persona'.. it's true, what a special soul.. i got to comment there with other catpeople, about tnr (trap neuter return for ferals) & adoptions.. so many good people there.. sid was so influenced by judy garland & the wizard of oz, & then went on to influence others like paul reubens, rob reger, so many others that loved that creative psychedelic childhood style we grew up with down in socal <3 who then went on to influence today's kids' shows & characters..

i heard a psychologist i also follow over on insta mention the importance of safety & connection for those of us dealing with trauma.. that resounded with me & is so true.. we have tried & accomplished getting to where we have everyThing we need & i appreciate & enjoy that so much.. but i feel like the Real treasures we may be lacking in.. connection to others in our reclusive vampire lifestyle.. it's just me & my guys & alice, & a few good old friends & family members we keep in touch with.. i'm trying to hold onto these treasures all i can..
i may be mad as a hatter these days, but i just try to keep going..

speaking of special souls..
xo elliott <3
(he'd be 54 today)
once upon a time..


disambiguation (sound up) the typo?


tucking ourselves away in the a/c for the impending heatwave, hopefully summer's last gasp & we're on to halloween?
heading into my one of many time machines: (sound up, still in progress)..

p.s. eyeballs!!!


you know when you find yourself saying it's 'only 101 degrees' today that things have changed here in portland?! it was 110 degrees yesterday!!! :o
thanks allen for our a/c unit!!

on the weekend this happened:
sid (94) almost died all due to a pill a dr gave him!!! :(
get well soon, sid! love this guy!! i ended up putting up some insane comments with toiley who filled in.. ;)
(i am ghostatthegate there..)

so after getting my kid character in eso to level #25 i decided to go back in with my old standby character that's level #1060.. ;)
new captures here:

the era of the idiot collection (if you're keeping count that's 91 charges so far!)


so this is what i did today..
(i love the end..)


troubled soul rest in peace..
she crossed over.
love you cath <3 (sound up)

2015 memorial:



fun post at the lost & found today:


some good days, & then a bit of a crash for me.. hard to feel hopeful.. a sweet post at the lost & found today at least ~


as summer is ending, yesterday mr dad & i filled out a small stack of our old madlibs as we watched old bob hope & bing crosby road movies & then later my son did a full reading.. it was kinda fun ~

ps. i said 'tea' (mr dad needs a hearing aid And new glasses!)


oh god. i'm in migraine management mode as that big blue supermoon looms up.. i can't move my head! :( i'm in my vampire suite darkroom trying to sit still, looking through old home movie & photo backups..
laughing hurts!
found some weird little gems.. quality's horrible 'cause they're so old & almost too small for youtube:

i'm comforted by the rainshower we had yesterday & the knowledge that summer is over.. welcome autumn!

& some good things are happening, right? isn't there still hope? i mean were we born doomed without knowing it? ?? i think we have to keep trying, to be good stewards, of each other, of the earth & all life..
yeah, that's me now, but catch me later & we'll see where this migraine drops me off.. :/
my life is a dark ride, E ticket to be sure, but yeah..

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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