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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« ghost closet antifashion | Main | it's not easy, greenbean.. »

March 29, 2023


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ok so sometimes my ads cheer me up..

for cat & dog??

ok i must still be asleep?
added to cart.




a special post at the #lostandfoundtoys blog for this special day:

so i got the guys first thing this morning as i broke the news first to dan that Someone had finally discovered the toilet paper in my bathroom & had fun unrolling it all over the floor..
yeah, it was me! :D
dan got a laugh out of that but sasquatch didn't quite get it, i had to hum the jeopardy 'waiting' theme for him as he figured it out.. .. ......
(like shooting fish in a barrel.)
but then both of them replied strangely the same, saying if i were in actuality so bored that i Did do that, that perhaps licia at least should be contacted, maybe several others?! :O ...

another cool post planned for tomorrow ;) & along those lines.. check out the best ad!! - Add to Cart! :)

& this.. way cool, but too expensive.


#noboringsocks #ghostcloset #antifashion #lostandfoundtoys #aprilfoolsday

i had a little too much fun with this spring update?

p.s. i'm not bored, you are..


pink moon's gonna get you all.. nick drake was right, it brought a midnight migraine just for me..
here's my vampire snowcave where i like to hide:

so alice helped me enter the next emily strange giveaway:

latest ads: he's precious :D



we're having the slowest spring we've had here in oregon in 40 years, some flowers are blooming, many are not, rain continues, which is normal, but it's colder than usual.. so on to the next drama & trauma.. we have been tweaking along our finicky heating/ac unit for the last years & tried replacing a 'limiter switch' thinking it'd be a simple job. well of course not, right? yeah we need a new system installed. we are now without a furnace until we can get this accomplished. fortunately my brother-in-law down in socal is an expert, has had his own heating/ac business forever & has offered to drive up here in his worktruck & do the job for us! :o <3 he's use to driving out of state for jobs, but this is so appreciated, & i'd much rather pay him than some stranger, he also gets a contractor's discount on the unit. i just appreciate that we'll have someone we can actually trust do this next big job. still, my nervous system is shot. i'm very tired. i'm trying, but it just feels daunting. at least it's another big important improvement to this big old house that'll see us through hopefully the rest of our lives as we get older? in my mind that's always the best investment. i feel very old though. i just get through each day as i can.. we'll keep alice warm & at least it's not the dead of winter or killer heat of summer..


a quiet rainy easter here..
i've felt overwhelmed at the prospect of a new big job we have to have done suddenly here unexpectedly,
& although i love & trust my brother in law to come do the work, i'm not great anymore at having people over to our house,
not that i don't welcome them & wish i could have them here, i just am so ocd & agoraphobic anymore that i am not a great host anymore.
i'm sure no one wants to see me go all quiet & dissociated & i don't want anyone feeling bad if that happens..
i realized i have to relinquish control over things & have trust that it'll be ok..
yesterday after realizing this i felt myself go into a state of dissociation like i haven't felt in ages, in many years.
it's like some part of my brain shuts down & i feel like i can actually rest & sleep, hibernate for years in my mental snowcave?
it's very comforting. i've always said god protects children & kitties with this gift (i've watched my kitties go into such a familiar quiet state at times of stress going into the vet's)
& it has been there through much of my life when i couldn't cope.
unfortunately i use to have very poor coping skills & used si to trigger this old defense mechanism when i was overwhelmed.
i'm literally covered in scars.
but it's comforting to know it can still protect me without resorting to that anymore..
i guess this is why i have my whole universe like a network unto itself on the internet? it's where i can be present & interact with others, which i need..
it's lonely being a ghost..

so serana & i became lost yesterday in skyrim down in the forgotten vale -
i had been searching for the ancestor moths to lead me to auriel's bow, which i need for my own reasons -
i just love the video capturing capability of the series x & so i've been adding tons of youtube game clips to my channel here for anyone interested -

i do so need my beautiful places to get lost..


it's freezing here, & we have no heat.. we may even get snow in the morning? so serana & i decided it was a good time to try out the snowy waterfalls of the forgotten vale..

my ads: i probably don't actually need this?


oh but hey now, this we do need!

duly updated!


so i always liked joe & his love of ice-cream made me feel a certain kinship,

but then today on insta i saw his family tree since he's visiting ireland & hey, we're Related! :D his 3rd gr grandma's mary kearney of kearney castle, that's my family <3 who knew?
btw to all the haters in the comments there Piss Off! so sick of all the haters right now.. drama & bs..

i'm freezing btw.


#mentalhealth #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #innerchild #infj #spring #lostandfoundtoys

cold & rainy here & it looks like we'll have to wait till mayday to get our new furnace/ac units installed..
i'm actually hoping it warms up just a few degrees please? yeah that's me starting to appreciate spring ;)
struggling some mentally but i'm making good use of my blanket hoodie i shared here once:
me & toxic posted up a new album today, just an art storage box with a bunch of our poetry on it: (sound up & as always please don't bother without the music as it is essential..)

oh & an appropriate post today at the lost & found:

now i endeavor to survive my ice-cream lunch.. yikes! :o
hope you're doing ok out there, em?


i use to say my happy place was when i would curl up in my warm laundryball of bedding right from the dryer & my kitties would pile on with me ;)
while hamstering in this way, the world could just hold still & stop having one ridiculous problem after another for awhile & i could put stress on hold for that precious little while.. well, then as i've mentioned before, some genius invented a 'cool down' cycle for clothes dryers. :o ?!!! wtf?
anyway, now i am safely tucked into my nice electric blanket, well except for my fingertips on the touchpad of my laptop, they still go numb, but i will survive! alice is here with me of course & is taking things over, probably for the best, just as i found this ad <3 :D !! love this but it's way too much:

ok now! :D

& hey was commenting again with colin this morning on his substack, about our cold season here & trees & bugs & he liked my reply ;) the above link address does look intriguing? :o

hangin' onto my sanity..
anybody out there?


fun post today over at the lost & found as i enjoy my nice warm decaf..

so it was tolerable through the night & i barely had to use the electric blanket, supposed to be warm & dry enough to finish outside work today? yes, this vampire has come to appreciate spring. a good thing?

& dear emma, take care & know you're always in my prayers through this.. please try not to worry.. <3


happy halfoween! fun post for this special day over at the #lostandfoundtoys #blog

so we were freezing cold, but in our new normal climate change world we gave spring a miss & went straight to summer heat & yuck! insomnia returns.. & we are one week away from my brother in law coming & replacing our furnace/ac unit, they're vacationing in their rv up in the sierras at the moment.. how lovely?
i've had my ups & downs healthwise, physically & mentally, but trying to stay hopeful & i'm forever appreciative of our cool life we've enjoyed for so long.. never could i have convinced toxic that it would be so full of adventures & fun, even alongside the terrors & trials..

more fun with colin meloy liking my comment on his substack reading room re: kafka :D

& hey as an old twilight zone fan from the channel 5 marathon days i thought it was very cool to have anne serling follow me back on twitter ;)

here's today's ad?? :o

thinking about you em.. <3

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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