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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« snowballinhell | Main | scary merry xmas! »

October 17, 2022


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#infj #depression #cats #vampire #kittytherapy #ocd #stress #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #si

october rain finally arrived & we vampires were happy for about a day, we have been trying to coax jr into one of our winter shelters out back, but he's nervous, we put his foodbowls, catnip & treats inside the shelters, but he pulls the food bowl out with his paw & sits just outside. i get it though, you can never trust the humans. i agree. but we talk to him briefly, make 'eyes' at him & he does so back, so we know he sees we are safe. it's going to get colder, hopefully he will finally snuggle inside & get warm? so i went to peek out our (upstairs) diningroom window at him & was shocked to feel something dripping down on me, in the nicely recarpeted, repainted diningroom? there was rain coming through the molding over the big bay window there & going down onto kitty nests & the carpet! what the hell? this has never happened here before & all we can see is that now we've trimmed back the overgrowing cherry tree branches & rain all pours to that corner of the house & the worst piece of old guttering there must be blocked up & it's overflowing into the edge of the roof there or something? so we've called numerous 'emergency repair' places & no call back yet, we have buckets set up & plastic sheeting etc.. we usually love the rainy season but now i'm filled with dread. when it rains it pours i guess.. behind on all my halloween projects & typepad is having lots of issues right now after Another data server move. :( alice can't go into her diningroom & we're just trying to keep her ok & out of trouble, depending on her help too, kittytherapy is crucial now.. reason why in the past i required 7 therapy cats?
so last night i felt epically bad, depression & other bad feelings. as i wrote in my journal 'the more i lie awake thinking, the darker it gets' until i was thinking about things i haven't considered in many years. :(
i just want to go into hibernation.


#infj #halloween #mentalhealth #therapy #art #arttherapy #ocd #depression #anxiety #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors

i love the rain. we all do here, it's why we live in a rainforest.. but once it finally arrived, something happened that has never happened to us here before, i was peeking out our upstairs diningroom bay window to see if jr was eating his breakfast, he was <3 ..when i felt drops of rain On Me?!?? the ceiling above the window was leaking.. not a little! :O
so we scrambled with old kitty litter buckets & plastic sheeting & called around to emergency repair places, all to find that they couldn't get here for several days.. we've been doing repairs & upgrades to this big old house over the last few years as we could, & had just had the tall cherry trees trimmed back from the house in springtime, maybe they were acting as a rain filter? we have also known that eventually we'd need a new roof. well, it turned out Now was the time..
this has been enormously stressful for all of us here. the price involved put us all into a state of shock, destroying our savings. but we had to figure what better investment for our future than literally the roof over our heads with a lifetime warranty? so i was suddenly forced to just deal with my weird ocd avoidance issues & moved downstairs to our playroom, where i paint & mr dad has his office, where we work on our mini houses, etc.. & i've been living here ever since the work started. i white-knuckled the entire first day of them stripping off the old roof in the rain. :/ we survived near heart-failure when an additional surprise cost came into play. i literally had to reach out to my trusted therapist just to stay relatively sane & her kindness & immediate response was invaluable. she even gave me the name of an especially relevant workbook, which i ordered, called transforming the living legacy of trauma: a workbook for survivors & therapists by janina fisher phd. something i can focus on once it arrives..
thank you licia :)

i was completely emotionally exhaused at the end of the first very long day, they worked till dark. i did a little better the second day. we are in a break until tomorrow when the gutters are also replaced, so not finished yet.. but i'm more hopeful i'll get through it now, & i feel less alone than i did going into this..
meanwhile typepad has been down & i couldn't post over halloween?! of all times, my favorite time of year, really? only today am i finally able to post our little oz themed halloween party over at the lost & found..
& i'm still hanging on over at twitter, along with many other resisters, to see what happens there, but i feel typepad & twitter both may fall by the wayside any day? my albums are not working right on typepad & i fear losing everything i've worked on for the last 16 years, it feels like it may have all been for nothing, which is too much for me to bear..

i've gone from the depths of depression where i was thinking about things i really shouldn't think about, haven't thought about in ages.. just trying to cope or dissociate.. until i decided i had to put my trust in the creator who has always taken such good care of us & let him carry all my dread & terrors which have become way too heavy for me.. so my earworm of late comes from the nostalgic dim past, from my days in fallout rpg games..

lyrics of the day from our old favorite, bing crosby

accentuate the positive

you've got to accentuate the positive
eliminate the negative
latch on to the affirmative
don't mess with mister in-between
you've got to spread joy up to the maximum
bring gloom down to the minimum
have faith or pandemonium
liable to walk upon the scene
to illustrate my last remark:
jonah in the whale, noah in the ark
what did they do
just when everything looked so dark?
man, they said we better accentuate the positive
eliminate the negative
latch on to the affirmative
don't mess with mister in-between
no, don't mess with mister in-between!

now that we are into november it feels like what we call here deep autumn :) once we get past this current challenge.. we will be ok. we still have good days ahead of us. can't lose sight of that..

ps my ads of late:


#vote #infj #stress #portland #oregon #voteblue #democrat #democracy

here in portland we've always voted by mail, i wish that could be true everywhere, but whoever you are, wherever you are, please vote! it matters, our democracy is at stake..

so the last 2 weeks have been unrelenting stress for us here, the new roof is on & new gutters, we've had wind & heavy record rain & power out at times & i just want to go into a long hibernation & hide from this world. i realized immediately that the rain dripping in the new metal gutter downspout right outside the head of my bed drips steadily making a bonking sound not unlike water torture, it is maddening & we've let the project manager know, we've also let him know about the new hole now up by our skylight that someone apparently shot a nail through with a nailgun while installing flashing there :( yeah, it's never over is it? i've felt positively sick from stress over & over, & i'm sure the full blood moon lunar eclipse has not been helping matters? tried to photo it in the early predawn hours but it's still too cloudy here to see the moon at all.. i gotta say i'm struggling & not really coping well at times..
mr dad set up a windbreak for jr in the downstairs patio by his winter shelters & we've set up his heated waterbowl, as we're already hearing about low level snow & freezing night temps..
& our sweet alice curls up in my arms, she's my baby now & i love her dearly.. <3

my ads of late:


#infj #blog #winter #skyrim #gaming #rpg #hibernation #ocd #mentalhealth #cats #art #minis

i feel like getting through the stress of having a new roof & gutters installed as well as living through the cost is like a rite of passage to suddenly being old. yeah, i'm retired. (in that i was tired yesterday & now i'm tired again today.) & it's not quite over yet, they couldn't solve the maddening drip?! so we'll attempt our own solution by stuffing a sponge in a drain basket & getting it into the downspout, wish us luck or i may soon just deteriorate finally into complete madness..

meanwhile i've escaped into the lovely nostalgic world of skyrim anniversary edition, after 5 years or more it's such a beautiful place to get lost, with so much new & improved content! i just tamed my first wild horse & am riding all through the lands now looking for the perfect homestead for my first (hopefully of many) homes..
her name is whisper & she's a red horse, i like to think of her as my wild irish rose <3
posted about it at the lost & found here:

i haven't been painting much anymore due to my increased ocd, i don't like the smell of the acrylics, reason why i was never an oil painter.. also in typical infj fashion i feel like no one understands what i'm trying to communicate at the ghost gallery & rowsofneveropeneddoors anyway, which is disheartening.. art is like a conversation, & although i feel compelled to use it as my therapy & expression it is lonely when it only goes one way.. i realize only certain pieces really say what i'm trying to say, so to speak.. even in meaningful conversation there are a bunch of ordinary words that aren't special in & of themselves, but only a means to an end, likewise some of my art is just related content or what i always referred to as crap (creatively related artistic philler..) i'm happy when each album has one or two images that truly resound & capture the things i have no words for.. still, i think i'd feel better even if only anyone just actually tried to get it..?
only raven so far comes close <3

so i've only just started reading in the new trauma workbook licia suggested, i think i was even avoidant about this possibly being triggering? but in the first several pages i feel immediate validation, so spot on.. i must say alot has been learned to enlightened psychology buffs & therapists since i use to read on the subject, some of this even harkens back to things i talked about myself in the early days of this very blog, with my fellow support forum members.. i will take this in slowly & carefully over the winter..

miss alice is our baby, she seems very happy these days, snuggling in to keep warm with raven or me during these cold days.. its been freezing at times at night, i hope the snow is coming.. hibernation saves me..


#infj #madness #fun #humor #mentalhealth #stress #toys #lostandfoundtoys #RIPtwitter

i'm still here..
posted my new coloring book at the lost & found blog today ~

i am subject to carefully targeted ads first thing in the morning before i'm warm enough to start my decaf to percolate.. before my defenses are up... do i need a cape?

..ok i Do need this butterfly cap! it's just Me! ~

i am weak.
ok hibernation time.


#happythanksgiving #infj #toys #dolls #santa #xmas #skyrim #vampire #ocd #winter

so the new designer gumby bendy toys by toyqube are finally available:
$125??!!! EACH????!!!!
are you fucking kidding me?
(santa said no.)

but santa if you're looking, ATT: &

the pumpkin pie i made is half gone.. i think it's xmas now, right? let there be snow <3

ps ~ yep.


Oh no, sorry about your roof issues and expense. So stressful. =( And having to have strangers in your space..... I'm glad you have Alice and your family with you. I wish I could hibernate too, but sleep just won't come. Even when I'm exhausted my mind drifts to memories from the past. Unlike you, I prefer the light and my place is like a dungeon and is too dark for me, but I don't like going out either. I could use a beach trip, but I don't think I can deal with the traffic, so that isn't going to happen. I need to be in the right frame of mind to be alone at the beach though and I'm not right now. I fear vehicle break ins, etc. too. I have been wishing I could get into a time machine again lately and go back into the past.....I am hoping you get your wish for snow there soon and your roof will be free of leaks and you'll have your peacefulness back again. <3


hey good to hear from you sally, i'm sorry you can't sleep.. i wonder if you ever listened to the 'healthful sleep' guided imagery i put on the thumbdrive? that one helped me alot, it's also soothing & comforting when you have the grief of lost loved ones weighing on your heart too.. <3 i may be a pmle vampire with sun allergy but i do appreciate some light, just not the heat, we get something here we call 'the golden light'.. i've tried photoing it many times & it's hard to catch it just right, it's beautiful really, late in the day from spring till fall.. we never had that down in socal.. hey if you want to see the sea, come on over to my nature trails page & turn up your sound, check out the 'trails to the sea' album, just one of our many trails here, my nature albums with music are kinda like my own versions of guided imageries to help me, my nature therapy :) i've been checking them myself now that typepad seems to be back to functioning & i needed some calming.. after the long roofing project, gutters, power out, high winds.. on & on, then just making pumpkin pie & the holiday meal left me with very uncomfortable chest pains that worry me a bit. probably pulled muscle, but with my heart issue i just have to be careful. i've been talking with my therapist back & forth & trying out the new trauma workbook slowly.. i tell myself just rest, & then keep going, we'll get through this.. you take it easy too, ok?


I have not been doing anything helpful for myself like I should, Bren. I know I should listen to those, thank you, but I always just seem to be "stuck" and forget. =( Thank you again. There is always a part of me that feels I don't deserve to be healthier and happier....Holidays are tough for me every year, but this year is very different with my mom gone and how it went down the way it did and everything else that has happened. I wish I was different and my life was different.....One day at a time....


hey sally, i remember your mom's big 100th bday & how much that meant to her, how you helped her celebrate, how things ended up, that was Not on you. but i get it, when we grow up in families like ours we're stuck with 'toxic shame'.. i mentioned recently to my therapist how it never seems to scrub off, huh? we take care of everyone else first.. we're always kinda holiday orphans here each year too, it's tough. you deserve a 'safe place'.. that's what that imagery is about.. or come check out our trails.. we missed hiking this autumn due to the heat & then all this drama.. :( at least i have so many captured in my albums to fall back on.. come over anytime.. :)


#skyrim #skyrimanniversary #vampire #infj #health #gaming #winter #snow #cats

so my chest pains have continued but now just occasional aches instead of intense pains.. so i've been taking it easy & staying warm with alice beside me while i escape into skyrim <3 where i have now adopted 2 orphan girls to live in my home that i built.. i updated my vampirism post over a the lost & found with a few mini youtube videos too :)

snow is now in our forecast ;)

update: :D my perfect vampire snowcave!



Thanks Bren <3 I have never really felt like I had a safe place, but escaping into books and taking photos and visting your toy room and looking at fun stuff online helps. <3
I hope your chest pains have subsided by the time you read this and you have snow. <3


so my traumatized nervous system has learned to expect the unexpected, but this morning was a tad insane. we love it here on the outskirts of portland, nearer the columbia river gorge, but something we've always experienced every year is the east winds, they blow from the gorge & usher in winter, our tall pine & fir trees are flexible & strong & have been through a hundred winters & survived so i'm usually not worried about the wind. except we just had the trauma of having a new roof & gutters installed after trimming back overgrowing trees surrounding our house.. ok, we thought now we are all good, right?..
.. apparently not, because this morning we were awakened at first light by a loud noise & raven looked around & found alice sniffing the air in the diningroom.. & he looked up.
the wind had Blown our skylights
:O ?? !!!! ?
so emergency panic time as mr dad gets on the phone to the roofers (our lifetime warranty) & we move furniture & set plastic sheeting back up etc.. panicked & hearts pounding because rain was expected today.. one skylight was down on the ground by our backdoor & one hanging from the roof, both amazingly unbroken.. but i guess this is a known thing that can happen? in all our years here nothing like this has happened, the guy showed up quickly & put them back into place with new & additional screws just as our first snow was starting to fall & blow in a flurry!! it seems maybe the crew loosened things up doing their roof job? hopefully we're ok now & i don't have to live in fear of this happening again?? please??? oh god. my chest pains had just finally let up. the snow is lovely i must say.
now to try to calm my shaking.. & eat some breakfast. welcome winter..


Oh Wow! That is scary! Now that it's over, I can't believe that it all worked out so that they didn't break and were back in place before any rain/snow came down! And you got the roofers out there as quickly as you did! I feel someone was watching over you!


I LOVE your video! Very beautiful and peaceful. I love the butterfly and watering can too. <3


thank you sally!
yes it seemed like for something this scary to happen at least it was just in the nick of time before the snow began, the crew said it was, because once there's ice they can't go up on the roof! it literally began snowing while he was up there! omg.
i love how the butterfly casts a shadow around the room with the tree branch shadows in the wind & golden light.. it sometimes looks just like it's flying or opening & closing it's wings <3 (like one of the videos i linked up there somewhere?) here it is -
praying for some nice calm days heading to xmas.. this season feels like it's going by too fast.. :/

ps - some new pix of alice here too -


I love the Butterfly Shadow video and the new pics of Alice. <3 And the skylights are wonderful, so I'm glad they're ok and where they're supposed to be now. =)


the snow is melting now but i'm still freezing & this ad still taunts me multiple times daily:
it's so ME! yes i want it but it's yukky acrylic. no.



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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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