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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« the oldest house has many doors | Main | more things behind the sun.. »

August 19, 2022


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#infj #ocd #stress #depression #mentalhealth #elliottsmith #radiohead #nickdrake #music #psychology #art #minis #christopheroriley #artherapy #ghostgallery #innerchild #rowsofneveropeneddoors

so i read this online today & it makes sense (dr to patient)
'the brain is made to keep us alive,
not to keep us happy.'

don't i know it. trying to shut off so much of my overthinking while being triggered into survival mode is endlessly stressful..

& even as a creative type at some point i run out of things i'm interested in doing, so i try to set up new projects for myself.. so that i'm not just forever lost in gaming or in the past watching old home movies.. i realized although we don't really want to start any more mini houses, we decided space-wise the last one would be it. well we do still have a bunch of parts & pieces & extras, & 2 of our houses are virtually empty, i had already planned a halloween party for the upcoming halloween season, to update our halloween house.. so mr dad & i have found something we want to work on together again at least :)
& i have some ideas brewing..
as for writing the toyroom stories i started.. not sure if i will or not anymore.. i feel like i've already told those stories up at the rowsofneveropeneddoors even if no one else understands them..?

been listening to my old christopher o'riley mix lately, it is so calming, we use to follow each other on twitter as he is a favorite that i've talked back & forth with in the old sweetaddy days <3 he plays here up at my autumn mix album:

thinking about nick drake lately too.. if you're not familiar with this sadly lost talent you should check him out up at my old cemeteria album here: (scroll down for the link..)

lyrics of the day from the opening song playing there -

falling fast & falling free
you look to find a friend
falling fast & falling free
this could just be the end
falling fast you stoop
to touch & kiss
the flowers that bend
& you're ready now
for the harvest breed..



#infj #nickdrake #halloween #summer #retro #collectibles #music #song #lyrics #monster #eldenring #rpg #mmo #gaming #ravenmoonx #youtube

ok so it's really halloween now that we have our monster cereals!

& i defeated malenia in elden ring yesterday, took awhile, but i got her to her second phase right off, which led raven to say that 'i've still got it!' :) these from software games are our favorites, but notoriously considered too difficult!

my ads of late: (do i need this? i might actually..?) lolol!

lyrics of the day are from nick drake:


you can say the sun is shining if you really want to
i can see the moon
& it seems so clear
you can take the road
that takes you to the stars now
i can take a road
that’ll see me through
i can take a road
that'll see me through
i can take a road
that'll see me through..

(this is me putting off scheduling my echocardiogram.)


#summer #autumn #infj #minis #frogs #rabbits #cats #oregon

so we're still working on our backyard landscaping, today mr dad carefully removed the poisonous nightshade plant we discovered growing in one neglected spot! also it seems the bees are still with us, in a hole in the ground, but we were able to get the rest of the old shed there removed safely.. we don't want to harm beneficial bees <3
i noticed looking out the back window yesterday & today that we have a new regular, a young bunny out in the blackberry bushes :) i got a couple shots of him i put up here:

also there was a kitty watching him who looks the spitting image of our old backyard stray, mr kat! we're calling him mr kat jr. i guess we'll be setting up our kitty winter shelter for sure now.. we always do just in case.. it was cooler today & we have 'the golden light' every evening, it feels like autumn now <3
i've been sewing today, with the help (Not.) of my assistant, alice..

my latest ads:

hmm... i do like big frogs.. :)


#infj #ghostgallery #arttherapy #rowsofneveropeneddoors #vintage #moon #migraine

last night the approaching harvest moon was peeking into my frenchdoor window at me bringing me my usual migraine..

& i found a tiny silverfish behind my pillow on my bed! the horror!!
(anyone remember the silverfish king?)

so i'm waaay into elden ring these days:

& have started a new time machine album here paired up with some of the chris o'riley music i mentioned earlier: (sound up)

ok so yes i finally broke down & bought that skelly onesie mr dad said was 'so me' lol:

it's finally feeling like autumn here but still getting some high temps so we'll wait for our customary autumn photo drives.. nothing like socal thank you god! i have family & friends still down there dealing with that freak heatwave insanity, they should move up here, just sayin'..

some lyrics of the day from a favorite from nick drake:

things behind the sun

please beware of them that stare
they'll only smile to see you while
your time away
& once you've seen what they have been to win the earth just won't seem worth
your night or your day
who'll hear what i say?
look around you find the ground is not so far from where you are
but don't be too wise
for down below they never grow
they're always tired & charms are hired from out of their eyes
never surprise.
take your time & you'll be fine & say a prayer for people there
who live on the floor
& if you see what's meant to be don't name the day or try to say
it happened before..
don't be shy you'll learn to fly & see the sun when day is done if only you see
just what you are beneath a star that came to stay one rainy day
in autumn for free
yes, be what you'll be..
please beware of them that stare
they'll only smile to see you while your time away
& once you've seen what they have been to win the earth just won't seem worth
your night or your day
who'll hear what i say?
open up the broken cup
let goodly sin & sunshine in
yes that's today
& open wide the hymns you hide
you'll find renown while people frown
at things that you say
but say what you'll say
about the farmers & the fun
& the things behind the sun
& the people around your head
who'll say everything's been said
& the movement in your brain
that sends you out into the rain..

the queen just died.. <3 rip elizabeth


#migraine #moon #autumn #collector #infj #halloween #toys #dollscape #spooky

i'm in migraine recovery mode after the big golden harvest moon, we took some home movies of alice playing with her new toy assortment, she loves her tunnel & new crinkle ball (the old crinkle ball was too small & is lost somewhere in the house..) the sky here has been orange with smoke from the fires but the east wind has been blowing it away thankfully.. that moon behind the blowing trees surrounding us looked like a fiery big crinkle ball in the sky!
anyway i thought i'd subject you to more of my recent ads:

hey now!

hmm.. we are doing backyard landscaping..
our wild kitty winter shelter is all set up under our backyard patio again as we've had someone showing up for a meal here & there, he's the spitting image of mr kat, we're calling him jr.. <3

i'm working on my upcoming halloween party dollscape.. & you know, just trying not to lose my cracked lonely bored fragile mind..


#eldenring #gaming #ravenmoonx #lostandfoundtoys #cats #infj #ghostgallery

i'm wrapping up my elden ring playthrough & invited raven to come help me defeat the last big boss, the elden beast! i posted all about it here at the lost & found:

maybe i'm getting too old for this shit..
actually i'm 57 (the 50 is silent.)

on that subject check out this ad i just got: oh my gosh!!

anyway i'm still working on my upcoming halloween party dollscape & adding to the time machine album in the left sidebar..
jr (a*k*a mr kat III) is hanging out here now that he knows we'll leave food & water out for him, a winter shelter is in place as well as a cooler cardboard box house so he doesn't have to sleep in the dirt stalking our backyard jays <3

ps - i seem to have a bed gremlin?


#NationalSonsDay2022 #vampire #gaming #youtube #ravenmoonx #autumn #infj #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #lyric #sasquatch #halloween #midlake

my favorite tweet of late:

so emmanuel & the baby emus & rheas are safe after the hurricane! :D <3 & hey, my emu shirt arrived, so look for a ghost closet antifashion 2022 update here soon..

the sasquatch underwent a colonoscopy & had polyps removed, so much fun, huh? hoping the test results come back benign? please?? it was just another reminder that i am good staying IN for the most part.. although gladly we are actually finally getting rain here! thank you !!!

i'm working on several mini house updates & projects that keep me busy these days, & alice is So helpful! she is fascinated with needles & thread, scissors & paper minis, anything i'm working with, but less interested in her assortment of toys that lie all about the house, why?

i have been making progress on my ocd, sitting with my discomfort & 'forgetting' *whistles & gazes out the window* things that i should be worrying or obsessing over? & i'm still here, & now at my regular weight again.. still having my trust issues, but honestly, is it even prudent to trust the humans? i'd love an exception for once..

some lyrics for the day from midlake's of desire:

we're working it out
but time can really really
play some tricks on us now
i can't always tell if what is
good for the fowl
may be not so good for
everyone in the house
make-believe was never so easy
i never noticed why
means to an end of desire
no one wants to get out of line
reason should always see eye to eye
then how did we end up on these sides
of a hill never needing us to climb
i never noticed why
means to an end of desire
there's something about
going all around in circles
wondering how everything that's given
isn't means to allow
more than where we've ended up
with or without
make-believe was never so easy
i never noticed why
means to an end of desire..

here comes october :D & the 17 year anniversary of our journey up here to oregon <3
never looked back..


#october #halloween #cats #infj #collector #minis #autumn #ghostgallery #vampire #rowsofneveropeneddoors #oregon

autumn is truly here, the streets are wet, it's cool & lovely, raccoons visited my deck in the middle of the night, mama & 3 youngsters rolling around playing & raising their tiny hands to the frenchdoor glass like high 5's to alice who had quite a show! she was fascinated & unafraid :D
we lost our internet yesterday which was tough for us, sasquatch works from home, raven does youtube gaming online & i've been posting for october at the lost & found.. at least i had the chance to sit here quietly & meticulously sew together a miniature articulated skeleton for my upcoming halloween party dollscape.. oh my, never again! this was quite a challenge. he's teenytiny!
we ordered a new comfortable chaise for our livingroom & i was looking forward to the nice big box it would come in just as much as the chair, i was quite unhappy when it arrived all wrapped in plastic sheeting instead.. :( there goes my vampire fort. :/

my ads of late have been wonderfully halloween at least:
i'd drive this around portland! :D


ps - barney barbie you can be anything!


#infj #blog #books #toys #socks #portland #ghostgallery #halloween #gaming #autumn #vintage #dolls #retro #cats #rowsofneveropeneddoors

another cool autumn morning here in pdx, alice is watching squirrels here at the open frenchdoors in my room, she has learned that although we do not allow her to Catch & Eat the squirrels, she can at least leap to the top of the screendoor & Terrify them to near death, leaving them growling & chuffing at her with insane eyes.. lols
i'd get this to play with her, but there Would be Blood!
oh! look
ok now..
& sometimes at night the raccoons come to play too.. little alice, she's a good hunter. reminds me, tonight's the hunter's moon, makes me nostalgic for bloodborne, hey where's bloodborne 2? c'mon! i'm getting old waiting.. & i require american mcgee's alice asylum at some point before i end up in one myself?

speaking of squirrels & raccoons, so this morning was fun because i happened upon a live insta stream of jenny lawson giving an impromptu tour of her nowhere bookshop down in texas.. years ago my oldest friend told me about her, she's a fun author & fellow vintage kid, artist.. i've posted about her & her books here at the lost & found before:
anyway i caught this stream live:
& once again was able to interact with another cool author i admire, again, as we've commented back & forth at her blog before re: mini houses <3 she's a fellow enthusiast & minihouse builder.. i loved the tour, so many items i've shared about at the lost & found, from blue q #noboringsocks to stickers, coloring books, decomposition books etc.. i asked 'where's hunter s tomcat? here kitty kitty..' (i assumed her cat would be a bookstore cat?) & she answered that he was at home because apparently you can't have cats & food & booze in the same establishment? or some such regulation.. i was glad to catch the tour as i'm someone who'll never be in texas i'm sure. so much fun. reminds me of how many bookstores have gone by the wayside like malls & blockbuster video stores nowadays.. so glad for all my border's books birthdays when my mom would always gift me with a border's book gift card & i'd have a blast shopping & bringing home cool stuff! i even have home movies of some of these treasure hauls once i got home. & of course i still have all that treasure. i'm like the reclusive version of jenny & her bookstore. only my happy place is my secret vintage kids' library & toyroom ;)

speaking of adult kids, i posted yesterday about the weird mcd adult happy meals & toys at the lost & found too:
we don't normally get happy meals anymore, another wave we rode to the end? it use to be that if i didn't get a toy with my meal i didn't eat. because, duh.

oh & here's another ad i just got:
i also enjoyed an insta livestream from ToonCon today, reminds me, fellow vintage kid sid krofft has the coolest treehouse:
toxic never had a tree for a treehouse. so sad. she would've built one herself too. but instead we had to create our secret snowcave <3 i still need it & crawl in there to hide often..
btw are we headed for nuclear armageddon?

so john's test results came back. yeah the polyps removed were pre-cancerous :( but at least they're out of him.. almost as terrifying is what will this now cost?

i'm still working on my upcoming halloween party dollscape, but have misplaced some dolls.. still searching. i need a helper. getting old is not pretty. i miss being able to do anything i wanted to do without aches & pains.

note: typepad is moving to a new data server (AGAIN!) & images in my albums may or may not work well here & there through october.. grrrr.
oh & i entered another emily giveaway.. fingers x'd!

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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