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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« afterthoughts | Main | snowballinhell »

July 08, 2022


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#infj #thesmile #depression #summer #vampire #cats #music

i don't like waking up.
i don't much like being awake.
& ants keep finding me.
but little alice hunts them & knocks them down <3

lyrics of the day from the smile ~

the smoke

it begs me
while i'm sleeping
a desire
a second chance
i have set myself on fire
it's easy
don't mess with me
don't mess with me
as i dive in the flames
as i set myself on fire
our one true revolution
it's easy to leave me
we should give ourselves
another chance
let go of our troubles
into our caress
our caress
& we'll set ourselves on fire
we set ourselves on fire
wakes me from my sleep
smoke wakes me
from my sleep..


#jan6hearings #migraine #supermoon #moon #midlake #americanmcgee #plushiedreadful #cats #bunnies #psychotherapy

watching more powerful coverage of the jan 6 hearings today, are we turning a corner? it feels that way to me, hope to see serious consequences to the idiot & his cronies at the end of this, please.. watching history unfold, so profound & so drawn out & stressfull..

i'm dealing with migraine again likely brought on by the looming super berry moon tonight, & appropriately my mysterious migraine rabbit arrived in the mail so i could post about it at the lost & found here today:

alice very craftily hunted down a creepy centipede in my room as we watched the coverage, good girl! american mcgee would be proud <3

it's still too hot. & i live in a state of seemingly unshakeable insecurity despite the knowledge that i have everything i need.

lyrics of the day again from midlake:


i stayed up
for hours and hours
wondering all the while
wondering how we will get by
who would want to hear about
the wanderings of my mind?
this wasn't supposed to be
my life
you came in
like a cherubim
holy in
every way life's given
oh please stay by my side
your yoke is easy &
burden light
you can always laugh while i
struggle to crack a smile
struggle to keep it all inside
when i look into
your brown eyes
i struggle to pull aside
i'm wanting you more
within my life
you came in
like a cherubim
holy in
every way life's given
oh please stay by my side
your yoke is easy &
burden light
oh these days i
try to find the reason underlying
your yoke is easy &
burden light
oh to be noble
oh to be noble
oh to be noble
oh to be noble..


#infj #stress #summer #ocd #midlake #music #eldenring #stray #cats #psychotherapy #depression #anxiety

over the weekend we broke out our ice-cream machine & i made up some blackberry ice-cream: (pix here)

fortunately it hasn't been as hot & we've been getting things done, like having tree trimmers out to manage our tall cherry trees.. but then of course our garbage disposal went out suddenly, no surprise as it's an old montgomery ward model! but we have to have a plumber in to install it, & honestly i hate having people in our house.. yeah ocd. & covidphobia.
so infjs like me are naturally also hsps (highly sensitive people) but lately i feel like the character in poe's tell-tale heart who was 'afflicted with a morbid accuteness of the senses'.. :(
i can't tolerate scents anymore, they trigger my ocd ingestion fears for some reason, shampoos, soap, bleach, fresh cut grass, spices & fabric softeners.. i keep trying to rule things out & use scent free alternatives wherever i can. & i've also heard post-menopausal women have heightened senses that way too? great.
have i mentioned menopause is officially the 10th circle of hell?
hot flashes, bp drops from heat intolerance, ibs-c & migraine, anxiety & sudden dips into dark depression.
yeah life is fun.
i need help.
i have medical labs & that echo i'm avoiding until it's not so warm out..
& i go back & forth over whether i should email my therapist to talk again,
i'm kinda zoom avoidant too, but it helps just knowing she's there when i need to reach out..
alice is here helping us as our therapy kitty, but she's also up all hours of the night getting into mischief <3
these days i just keep escaping into elden ring:
& now we have stray so i could venture into a new rpg as a cat myself?
anyway, meanwhile..

lyrics of the day from midlake:

listen to me closely here
my dear
for i do fear
that the end is near
oh it's clear
all the little things
that brought us here
were they insincere?
filled with crocodile tears
oh dear..
we'll step aside
out of mind
out of sight
devoid of all defined
so that meanwhile
then he came to me in a dream
did it so vividly
offering just one plea, simply
then fell out of the scene
i fell to my knees
crying don't ever leave
oh dear..
we'll step aside
out of mind
out of sight
devoid of all defined
so that meanwhile
we'll step aside
out of mind
out of sight
devoid of all defined
so that meanwhile


#cats #deathstranding #ravenmoonx #gaming #summer #grief #songs #lowroar #lyrics #infj #wizardofoz

rough day so i went into our old home movies back in my time machine to visit with my sweet girls again.. their old age was a challenge for us all, but looking back at their lives from birth through their prime & all the wonderful times i must say those were the happiest kitties i have ever seen in my life <3 reminding myself of that helped me.. (sound up)

tonight watching raven's youtube brought up a song i wanted to share..

lyrics of the day
from low roar:

without you

& in the middle of a dull-lit
weightless street
stands a shadow of a man
shaped just like me
my curiosity keeps me confused
but still i stand here
on my own
with nothing left to lose
& will the rain i don't accept
wash away my sins?
or simply trouble my walk home
& my spirit
because i never said 'no'
or put up a fight
& i'm emotionally impaired
when i look at you
& now i'm trying to keep
these bones inside my skin
but my body is in the hole
my shadow digs
& as i struggle to maintain
my position
the oil's dried from this heart
of rusted tin
& i wonder
if i'll survive this
without you...

p.s. i love the tin man.. <3


#infj #summer #vampires #eldenring #depression #cats #ocd #fun

so sometimes dark depression looms up & tries to swallow me whole. & this oppressive heat is not helping. sorry if i offend any non-vampires, but to us here summer is the 11th circle of hell. even with a/c our little alice likes to lay in the cool dark of my bathroom on the rug there by the vent, where lately centipedes have been coming to visit, along with our usual Large Housespiders. :o we try to catch & release the spiders before she plays them to death, but for centipedes i have no feelings of mercy. so i thought to combat the sunshine i'd venture into a little indie survival game called the long dark.. sounds lovely, so i've begun here in my familiar little snowcave:

i've survived the first night & back in the 'real' world i feel as though a divine hand was hanging onto me & pulled me back out of that last black puddle.. thanks again.

i'm still kicking ass in elden ring though too, & raven has been an invaluable help to me there as we've been able to collaborate & share items & battles <3
oh yeah, now i'm a vampire there too of course:

p.s. one of my ads of late: what kind of soul would own & display such a thing? that poor dog..


#summer #vampire #depression #ibs #ocd #stress #infj #bigfoot #eldenring #despair #hell #fun #midlake #cats

still here. barely. such a rough night of migraine & ibs, heatwave & stress.. alice is too warm in the daytime even with the a/c & must have playtimes in the middle of the night. i'm demoralized these days, hate feeling so weak. it's survival mode for us vampires until the detestable summer ends. maybe in autumn we will get back out for drives & trails? maybe we'll spot a wild bigfoot? (oh yeah it's all bigfoot weekend at the lost & found toys blog..)

i spent hours in elden ring yesterday seeking the giant ghost turtles, a game glitch had caused one to disappear but raven came to my aid & i was able to proceed on to fight & defeat the ringleader!
but then back in the real world i was humbled back to my pitiful ghost self as i tried to kill a fruitfly trapped in my bathroom.. :( exhausted i again had to ask raven to intercede, he caught him in less than a minute..

i also had a moment of weakness when i clicked on an ad for some emily strange pants & discovered this goth girl clothing site called dolls kill. $100 later, i guess i'll have to do a 2022 update to my ghost closet antifashion show at some point? oh well.. hope i'll be able to actually wear these cool new pants somewhere eventually? or am i now just relegated to reclusive agoraphobic vampiric ocd hiding? not too sure these days.

lyrics of the day from midlake:


you fell into the ocean
you fell into the sea
among all of the commotion
of cries and endless pleas
there's something in the way
we move around
crawling on the ground
the countenance has eased up now
now i know why
this won't go right
bow out while my glistening's bright
recall upon that moment
you called upon me
inadequate of skill or potion
required of the deed
hours lost in hazy clouds
the monolithic cutting down
attrition on the wings of doubt
now i know why
this won't go right
bow out while my glistening's bright..


#infj #antifashion #ghostcloset #tshirts #radiohead #alice #toys #minis #cats #health #anxiety #ocd #eldenring #emilystrange

die off summer please.
i think of august as 'early autumn'
to deal with the heat better psychologically?
still dealing with my health issues physical & mental.
so i escape into elden ring:

so there's another emily giveaway on insta & i Had to enter, so i decided to just post my ghost closet antifashion show i mentioned here back in 2021?
in pieces up at the lost & found, starting with emily..

then radiohead..



ghost art:



johnny depp (yes he gets his own post):

vintage kids:

nightmare before xmas:

no boring socks!:

but also i'll be posting alice, vintage kids & rock t's, nightmare before xmas etc.. so i'll update the links here..
Oh & i'm ending it all off with a special 'no boring socks' bit :D

ghost closet antifashion insta posts:

i'll have to update these unlisted youtubes here soon because i also Had to buy the new emmanuel emu t-shirt from knucklebumps farm :D
because right?

my ads of late btw:

ok so i bought some minis here to update sunset house..


#antifashion #ghostcloset #moon #summer #eldenring #infj #halloween #bees #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors

(so i'm still updating the last comment with the ghost closet antifashion show links i mentioned that are ongoing through the weekend..)
btw yeah i didn't win. again.

also, sorry fred, loveya, but
my philosophy has become
'please won't you Not be my neighbor?'
neighbors are a pain, the loud coughing alcoholic in back, the squealing screaming child, the dog that pushes into our yard to poop..
sorry. i wish i lived somewhere with more space between me & them.
but yeah, i'd have fred & his puppets as a neighbor anytime <3
(not a loud coughing alcoholic squealing screaming backyard pooping fred though, just to be clear.
fred! don't do it!)

& wild kitties.. always welcome..

stressful days having the old decking & woodshed broken up & hauled away out of our backyard as an underground nest of bumblebees became an issue..
well we don't want to harm these little fuzzy guys, hopefully now they'll get the clue & move along? now that the shed's half gone & they'll be exposed as colder weather mercifully arrives?
there's a chance of light drizzle & lightning this eve, you know what that means to me?
it's halloweeen!
summer be dead!
there is a full supermoon approaching friday night, at 2:36 for just a moment the moon will be directly between the earth & sun in a line,
it's a configuration called syzygy.
sounds cool! but it'll likely bring on a fun migraine for me..
oh but hey yesterday's news was a very happy distraction, wasn't it?

so raven gave me a few tips, places to check out in elden ring..
would you believe he sent his very own mom into the mountains of madness to Die of madness?! :o
that is positively lovecratian!
but i got better.
kinda like in my real life, huh?
here in my ghostpix album -

ps: check out my new mini album 'singularity' in the album list left in the sidebar..


#antifashion #noboringsocks #lostandfoundtoys #insanity #ocd #agoraphobia #anxiety #depression #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors

i am citizen insane.
posted the ghost closet antifashion show finale up at the ghost blog, it's the comic relief portion.. or just the last fringes of my sanity?
it reminds me of the acclaimed bo burnham netflix special i relate
Way too well to..

so i need her help in real life
more ads.. hey, it's my sign! :D

working on a toxic mini album called little raven's lost days: (sound up)


#wednesday #timburton #infj #goth #innerchild #netflix #halloween #autumn #skeletons #rpg #mmo #vampire #rowsofneveropeneddoors #antifashion #ghostgallery #eldenring

so i'm feeling very wednesday today. the infernal summer fucking heatwave from hell continues a bit longer here so we vampires writhe in misery once the sun hits & try to retreat into dark air conditioned corners to netlix & chill..

my favorite new trailer:

i mentioned here once about how toxic wanted to be wednesday addams for halloween?

anyway, i've had to email my old therapist again just to ensure i don't slip right over sanity's edge.. & i've ordered some nicely goth fabric swatches to give me more possible projects to keep me busy as we approach autumn & halloween season, & hopefully cooler days where i may venture back out into nature?

latest pj ad: (mr dad thinks it's so Me.)

i've finally reached the snow in elden ring.. heading there now..

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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