held by sleep

well we're almost to 2022..
so the approaching holiday is a sad anniversary, 7 years ago my sister had a heart attack on new year's eve & was discovered on the bathroom floor of her board & care home for the mentally ill & brought back to 'life' ..& then was left lying braindead all this time since. she's in a facility down in la with a dnr in place, but i can't believe she's actually in there anymore, it gave me nightmares back when i posted her memorial here in the old comments: cathy memorial
i made this album for her once: clic (sound up)
the guys & i can hardly look at it without being total wrecks..

& speaking of being a wreck, i kinda fell apart awhile back after what should've been a very happy event, we finally have added a new member to our family,
meet little alice: merry xmas from little alice
so my theory has always been that all kitties are born insane & only recover slowly over time ;) & little alice is still in early recovery, running zoomies through the house & finding toys to knock off shelves, she's fascinated by the kitchen sink & keeps track of everything we do with interest..

anyway, all is well now, but at first i had some kind of emotional abreaction or something & felt like i was losing my mind, couldn't stop crying, emailed my therapist once again & talked it all out.. it seemed to be some kind of grief reaction triggered by adding a new kitty, fears & all our losses, not wanting to 'replace' my girls, bringing up toxic old unresolved issues, childhood ocd & toxic's kitty graveyard..
getting so upset left me with a fun migraine & ibs flareup, it's just all mixed together with my ocd & health challenges.. again thank you, licia :) (she is a lifesaver.)

we're enjoying a snowy xmas & winter so far & i'm feeling security from that, snow in the night, waking up to see everything turned white out my window.. for some reason snow has always calmed me, there's a special kind of stillness when snow is all around, on the ground, rooftops & all the tree branches, it muffles everything & focuses your senses on just the soft sound of your own footsteps, i love that..
winter window (sound up)

right now in my life i am trying to stay focused on self-care & recovery, from physical & mental health challenges & struggles, the insanity of the world at large, & my own resulting terrors & visions.. when i need escape i've been staying underground in vault 11 where i set up a cozy little retro xmas..
we all adore little alice, she's very loving & playful & tries to be good, i do think she needs a fluffyhead 'flower sister' to play with, but after what happened i'm a little scared.. we're thinking 2 little kittens now rather than 3.. alice is so much like our sabrina when she was small, dan thinks it's her returned for another lifetime with us <3

it's too cold for painting, & i'm not venturing out these days for trails & photos..
the dips into depression scare me :(

yesterday i attempted a little humor & added sound to our abstractions albums :D
i laughed until my face hurt, which means it's been too long.. or i'm insane now. ? judge for yourself..
can't we be happy?

continued in the comments as usual..

bren

Comments

[Sally]

:D Love the sound you added, Bren! :D And the retro xmas in vault 11. I'm so glad that you and your family got little Alice and she looks so happy in her new home. =) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[ghost]

yeah that song cracks me up every time, the perfect accompaniment to our strange abstractions albums.. an explanation seems in order here? our family have always played every kind of game, cards, scrabble, boardgames, madlibs etc, but our favorite we just call 'the drawing game' :o
pens, paper & some old magazines are all that's required, one person finds a picture & without revealing what it is directs the others how to draw it, no questions are allowed & the reveal at the end is usually hilarious! & results in our fun abstractions.. :)
i love vault 11.
alice is still just a tiny bean, but one day she will be queen alice, queen of the whole house (like our queen sabrina once was, we called her the queenbean & we were all just her worker beans!)
she's so much like her.. now we just need to find a fluffyhead tabby girl for her to romp around with..

[Sally]

Your game sounds like so much fun! :D And I hope you find your little fluffyhead tabby girl soon! Little Alice is so cute and I know how much joy kitties can bring into one's life. I'm happy for you and her both! <3

[Sally]

Hey Bren, I know today is a hard day for you and I wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you. You, your sister and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to you! <3

[ghost]

sally, thank you so much, & i hope you are now getting some good restorative sleep? we've had snow still off & on:
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/around_the_bend/winter-2021-xx.html
& i just photo'd the sweetest hummingbird trying to keep warm in the snowfall :)
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/backyard_birdies/2021-winter-hummingbird.html
alice loves watching the snow <3
i'm afraid to hope for a better 2022, because i've done that for the last 5 years, you know?
i escaped into f76 for a Long playthrough yesterday & built a secret retro diner inside.. lol i'll have to get some photos of it..
wanted to let you know our camera came :) but something to note, it was like $150 more because the japanese one is an import model (import taxes!) so we got an american made version (pricier) i'll let you know how it goes too..
it got here fast! take care, sally & feel free to comment here anytime you want too, if you want to talk about more serious (non-toy) matters you know?
happy new year! (hoping??)

[Sally]

Wow! You DID get a lot of snow. Poor little hummer! Love the photos! And so happy Alice is bringing you so much love and happiness,... a great way to start the year. Your camera did come quick! I did not think about import taxes! I'm glad you got it already and that will be a fun toy for you and Mr. Dad to play with! I was hoping to start the year off at the ocean, but I didn't have the strength to make the drive and I know I wouldn't have been able to walk down the beach. Hoping maybe by the end of the month if it's not raining. I have my mom's apt. to deal with, then mine and storage units....Always something....Never enough energy unfortunately....This new year with the pandemic has me feeling more disillusioned than last new year. Hoping for a better year though for sure!

[ghost]

we get so many hummingbirds here in winter, i think we must be 'south' for some of them from alaska & canada? he was just fine, he waited out that snowfall & went along his way, in fact he looks just like the kind i photo'd earlier in my backyard bird album in springtime :)
it's still freezing cold here, but rain melted the snow away for a bit & i'm hearing creatures romping across my bedroom roof, alice discovered squirrels out my bedroom frenchdoor windows! :O it was cool to see haystack rock (at the coast) all covered in snow, hardly ever happens, but i'm not up for a drive to the coast either just yet..
hey sally, i just realized looking at one of your links, you also have a sister named elaine? that's my mom's name too <3

[Sally]

Sorry I missed your last comment here, Bren! Yes, that's cool that your mom is named Elaine and I have a sister named Elaine. Also that my mom and another sister share the same name as Little Alice. =) <3 Both Elaine and Alice are not very common names. =) Just fed my little hummers here at my apt. after giving the hummers at my mom's food earlier too today. There are strangers migrating through, so the locals have been fighting them off and they've been going though more food lately. =)