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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« out in the cold | Main | there's no place like home »

March 25, 2021


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wanted to say to anyone who may have messaged, tweeted or emailed that i've been away from social media awhile trying to take care of myself,
after almost 9 years of faithful daily posts at the lost & found blog i've also had to start only posting as i can..

i'm spending alot of time in my 'safe place' these days trying to deal with health issues physical & mental..
pix below (i have to say it's alot more comforting than my old dissociative snowcave..)


kitty am


sleeps with kitties




our nest

power out

good morning babies

sweet babies



i miss snug..




'you are perfectly & utterly safe in god's loving hands..'
- BR (belleruth naparstek)
i love that i share the same signature as lady belleruth ;)
& thank you licia..

for my own 'guided imageries' just visit the rows of never opened doors quarantine area here: (sound up!)

Sally R Kimmel

Surrounded and covered by your kitties....a great way to heal! Will be thinking of you! <3


i still feel them around me at night, they're my little cherubs <3
take care, sally


#infj #cats #kittyheaven #kitty #art #poetry #depression #psychotherapy #mentalhealth

20 years ago today, a blessed event at our house, the day tabitha had kittens.. i talk about it here on today's lost & found post down at the end:

so mr dad & i got the j&j 1 shot back on the 10th & are now good to go, i had a rough time but he had nothing whatsoever.. he is a sasquatch though. dan's next. i've been talking to my old therapist after such a long time, these weird days we're living through find those of us who are a vulnerable part of the population that have dealt with mental health issues in the past, only to have our terrors return again this way. still, an oddball like me crawling out of the woodwork after 15 years is remarkable.

on a strange note, while setting up for my last zoom session i noticed the hughes art print i've had over my bed for the last 20 years or so & looked into it a bit, only to come to an interesting revelation. it was inspired by this poem by w.e. henley

margaritae sorori

a late lark twitters from the quiet skies:
and from the west,
where the sun, his day's work ended,
lingers as in content,
there falls on the old, gray city
an influence luminous and serene,
a shining peace.
the smoke ascends
in a rosy-and-golden haze. the spires
shine and are changed. in the valley
shadows rise. the lark sings on. the sun,
closing his benediction,
sinks, and the darkening air
thrills with a sense
of the triumphing night
night with her train of stars
and her great gift of sleep.
so be my passing!
my task accomplish'd
and the long day done,
my wages taken, and in my heart
some late lark singing,
let me be gather'd to the quiet west,
the sundown splendid and serene,

it's the angel of death.
night & her train of stars, seen here:

i love sleep btw. nighttime or naptime, i seek the perfect sleep.

p.s. this gave me a chuckle today:


#infj #ocd #mentalhealth #rowsofneveropeneddoors #ghostgallery #therapy #gumbyland #lostandfoundtoys #ps5

so now we are all vaxxed & covered here. :)
i've felt just like this big eyed kitty basically all of this last year:
& i'm especially appreciative to be able to talk to my old friend licia through the rough spots.. sometimes the listener needs a listener, you know?
covid basically unleashed my ocd lion which was beneficial in that it's kept us safe & well through all of this, but now i'm on edge about everything, all my many ingestion fears are activated, (think howard hughes only much lower tax bracket..) how to coax the lion back to sleep?
difficulty eating has dropped my weight down to 108 at one point & it's taken me a full month's effort to put back on a measely lb & a half :( i feel like it may be some kind of karmic walkback to make up for my old self destructive eating disordered days of trying to stay too thin? 111 was my favorite weight, since 11 is my ocd pet number, unique even among primes.. yeah, ocd. not fun. now i appreciate every healthy lb.
my brother is doing repairs on the old family home down in socal where 7 generations of our family have all lived at some point in our lives, & he's sending me all my mom's old diaries as he finds them, since i promised her i'd look after them along with my own journals.. i have them in a special trunk, but honestly i'm too afraid to even open them. i know only too well that the past is fraught with danger..
instead i've been capturing an archival backup of all of gumbyland, my blogs & galleries, with music & images intact, since i cannot count on my bloghost or domainhost to ever work reliably it seems. :/
i've had time to organize toxic's vintage library & the toy room & will continue posts at the lost & found for as long as i can..
we're so lucky raven snagged us a ps5 in the 1 1/2 minutes they were available thanks to his gaming contacts, it's saving us these days..


11 #rowsofneveropeneddoors #innerchild #ghostgallery #art #songs #lyrics #infj #painter #music #lostandfoundtoys

toxic & i have collaborated on the art album i mentioned in a recent lost & found post here:
it's called 11 & raven found the music for it..

the trapeze swinger by iron & wine ~

please, remember me happily
by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin
the time when we counted every
black car passing
your house beneath the hill
and up until someone caught us in the kitchen with maps, a mountain range,
a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention..

but please, remember me fondly
i heard from someone you're still pretty
and then they went on to say that
the pearly gates
had some eloquent graffiti
like "we'll meet again" and
"fuck the man"
and "tell my mother not to worry"
and angels with their grave handshakes
but always done in such a hurry..

and please, remember me at halloween
making fools of all the neighbors
our faces painted white by midnight
we'd forgotten one another
and when the morning came
i was ashamed
only now it seemed so silly
that season left the world
and then returned
but now you're lit up by the city..

so please, remember me mistakenly
in the window of the tallest tower
call, then pass us by
but much too high to see the empty road at happy hour
gleam and resonate
just like the gates around the holy kingdom with words like "lost and found" and "don't look down"
and "someone save temptation"

and please, remember me
as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees and fast asleep
beside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like
and even might give a gift for your behavior, a fleeting chance to see a trapeze swinger
high as any savior

but please, remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all i wanted
those dogs that loved the rain and chasing trains
the colored birds above there
running circles 'round the well
and where it spells on the wall
behind saint peter
so bright on cinder gray and spray paint
"who the hell can see forever?"

and please, remember me seldomly
in the car behind the carnival
my hand between your knees
you turn from me
and said the trapeze act was wonderful
but never meant to last
the clowns that passed saw me just come up with anger
when it filled with circus dogs
the parking lot
had an element of danger

so please, remember me, finally
and all my uphill clawing, my dear
but if i make the pearly gates
i'll do my best to make a drawing
of god and lucifer, a boy and girl
an angel kissing on a sinner
a monkey and a man, a marching band
all around the frightened trapeze swinger.. (sound up)

ghost & toxic

toxic link


#infj #cats #kitty #art #love #rowsofneveropeneddoors #ghostgallery #mentalhealth

so yesterday we put up my latest art piece here:

i've never had much of a green thumb, my pumpkin patch has failed here several tries, & i'm always facing some threat to my morningglories, this time it has been squirrels digging up the seeds & eating them before they had a chance :( i have switched to pansies, because it makes my planters look just like in alice in wonderland, but it turns out SQUIRRELS EAT THEM! who knew? i need like scary cat scarecrows or terror wolves like they have in japan, that zoom out making terrifying sounds..
oh well.
oh god. here comes the super flower blood moon eclipse..
p.s. i think of daniel/raven as part jim morrison, part vampire jesus <3

a sad update:


#migraine #vampire #infj #depression #summer

so i've spent today sitting in the dark with a migraine & it's making me depressed. mr dad is in the frontroom watching spongebob squarepants. loudly.
not helpful.
it's very warm & bright outside & i am not a happy vampire.

later: i've found these work best for warm nights -

if you're not familiar, this old internet video is a classic!


new at the #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #art #abstract #infj #painter #psychology #arttherapy #imagery #innerchild

innerworld: (sound up)

once my older sister read the book i wrote about my childhood, she told me she was proud of me for writing it
(that meant alot..) she also apologized for calling me monsterbaby
when i was very small.. lol
i had to tell her i actually love that & have painted toxic little monsters into my art many times, along with my closet skeleton, vampire & ghost self..


shadows #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #infj #abstract #art #painter #paintings #artshare
(sound up)

& puzzled ~


memoirs of a vampire butterfly.. #infj #vampire #rowsofneveropeneddoors #ghostgallery #butterfly #recluse #art #painter


#summer #vampires #infj #heatwave #gaming #movies #mentalhealth

vampires don't do summer. we'll be riding out the big heat event gaming & bingewatching movies in the dark ac.

so i'm asking for prayers for mr dad, my mysterious monster husband, he had a cancerous melanoma removed from his arm & is facing surgery soon to remove more material & check his lymph nodes :( we're trying to stay positive. this has been a very rough time..
(my great grandfather died from melanoma..

later: all time record high 108! :(
next day 112!! another all time high record. not happy.
next day 116!!! (118 in oregon.) Fuck. FUuucK!!

(then by midnight the temp plunged 50 degrees & all of us vampires opened our windows & welcomed in the fresh cold night air.. we have survived.)

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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