the darkest corner of the house

so it's spider season. migraineurs know about blackout panels, well ever since i installed them i've been hiding in my lovely vampire sanctuary, the darkest corner of the house, where i can pretend it's night in the daytime and autumn in the hellish summer bright. my perfect sanctuary, my room is now the

  p e r f e c t 

hideout. a little agoraphobia 101, i am a friendly ghost, but human avoidant in 3d or on phones. i may be the only person left who doesn't have a smartphone? oh yeah, no i'm not, neither does my son. (that's my dna) anyway, i love to get out when i safely can venture into nature, into the snow or rain, or just out photoing or collecting where my human encounters are brief & anonymous & i just push the edges of my comfort zone. but things are different now during the coronavirus. i don't want to die, well i do sometimes, what i mean is i don't want to die gasping for oxygen alone in a hospital, so we are ocd good at staying in & staying germfree. 

so i've had some traumatic health challenges over the last few weeks & found myself backed right into my familiar little corner too phobic to eat except for vanilla ice cream shakes, & my electrolytes are messed up along with my sad gi tract, so after narrowly avoiding a trip to the er in the middle of the night (!) i had to have my very first video dr's appt via zoom (on mr dad's phone.) i must say i have a very good dr these days, i appreciate her very much seeing as i can avoid drs basically for years, because, they terrify me. due to bad past experiences, not her. so thankfully i am still here & have a plan to try to take care of my health at home. she said (like 5x) i have a super sensitive system & have had to figure out all the tips & tricks myself w/out benefit of the 9 years of medical school that she's had, & she even confirmed that the snowflakes i've been experiencing in my vision are migrainous & i am not going blind. :D yay!

& i'll be able to continue painting :) yay again!!

so welcome introverts, artists, vampires, gamers, catfolk & oddballs, to my blogs & gallery, & to gumbyland.. links are everywhere & will take you down the rabbithole to be sure if you are curious.. my online multiverse goes on forever & ever..

btw #infj. (yes i am a perfectly cliche reclusive toy collecting old eccentric cat lady.) (well, old as in old soul..)

& did i mention i'm already a vampire in elder scrolls online? yeah, i've always been a vampire in my gameworlds..

i'm reverse s.a.d. so come migraines or sun allergy until autumn i'll be in my time machine traveling back watching old home movies, of my long lost babies, our trails, long drives, the mountains, snowdays of olde.. i may just have a slumber party. 

deny summer!

lyrics of the day: elliott smith said it best 'i love to in the darkness hide..'

i love my room

today's lost & found post

hagraven nest

don't be nervous

p.s. the ghost gallery is meant to be viewed in the dark..

continued in the comments..

bren/ghost

Comments

[ghost]

#infj #strawberrymoon #fullmoon #lunareclipse #lunacy #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #psychology #cats #ferals
caution: fucks & more fucks ahead.

more fucking terror buildup as i feel like i'm suffocating under this strawberry moon/lunar eclipse, i sleep when i can, eat when i can, usually vanilla ice-cream.
& more fucking problems with my ghost gallery, now music's not loading on pages using google chrome? sometimes? varies by browser? why?
also can one die of springcleaning & hotflashes? those tiny bits of hell spread out for maximum punishment for all my many sins? all conspiring together with my orthostatic hypotension to try to kill me off, surely.
have i mentioned after the last snow our backyard ferals have drifted away elsewhere?? i hope they're ok? maybe they have better spring/summer digs than our winter shelter array?
we're bbqing burgers out back tonight since we're forecast for more tstorms this weekend.. that'll be nice at least..
well not for me of course because i can't eat. but the thunderstorms will be nice.. (it's called chrysalism, you should look it up)
so i bought some radiohead socks. that'll be nice too, someday, when they finally get here & wait out our garage quarantine system for mail & packages.
quarantine fashion btw : https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/around_the_bend/brenmask.html
makes me think of my own sweet cheshire cat, snug.. wish i was with her.
so if i'm up choking tonight i'll try to photo the moon & update later..

p.s. fuckall.

update: so it's nice & rainy here, too cloudy for moonpix this time, i'm ok with that. not ok with whatever's occurring with my ghost gallery links here, i've ruled out my bloghost typepad. it seems sound is being stolen away from many of my gallery & album links, so going forward anyone interested please go directly to my ghost gallery up at gumbyland so the music will play as it should. it's just not the same without it. older browsers work best like firefox, google chrome or internet explorer, even windows 10, but phones & tablets do not work. this pains me. my world is falling apart.

[ghost]

#infj #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #vampires #family #photos #loss #butterflies #rainydays #ESO

we're denying summer here & enjoying weeks of rainy days, i love stealing these days away from june.
so i've been going back in time looking through old photos & home movies & tapes..
way back in the day as a teenager i spent one summer working over my grandma's old film editor, splicing together our family's home movies going way back to the 50s, i later transferred them over to vhs & added music so i could present them to my mom one christmas..
(our family have always been avid photographers & filmmakers, guess it's in my blood?) since then i've been the one taking home movies of all of us, i have archived treasure that spans many decades..
i always love choosing just the right music for our drives up here in the pacific northwest for example..
then there's the glut of photographs since mr dad & i both share that interest, & toxic made audio cassette tapes of everything under the sun, so this installation came together recently as i've been thinking about family & everyone i've lost..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgalleryrainydaytimrmachinealbum.html (sound up, but if the music doesn't play here :o please find my rainy day time machine installation at the ghost gallery directly, way down in the quarantine area..)

p.s. https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendlyghoststuff/bren-ghost-eso-vampire-x.html

[ghost]

#infj #paintings #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #vampire #stayinside #rainydays #denysummer

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerychrysalism.html (sound up)

[ghost]

#eso #infj #vampire #stayinside #ghostgallery #introvert #rowsofneveropeneddoors #gaming

in my element..
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendlyghoststuff/eso-bren-vampire-x.html

[ghost]

another dr's appt. i'm so tired.
depression scares me.
i used to cut when i felt this bad..
to make it stop, to dissociate, to go to sleep.
i notice on mychart my dr has pulled anorexia back up to the top of my dx list..
talk about time travel, i think i've gone back 20 years?

on a happier note, happy birthday lost & found!
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2020/06/lost-found-birthday.html

[ghost]

so i've been struggling to eat & breathe & live with my ibs anyway i can to avoid going in to the gi dr :( it's very demoralizing & puts me in a dark place..

unhappy meals? ~
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/f-2.html

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2020/07/mcd-happy-meal.html

[ghost]

#infj #vampire #introvert #stayinside #ptsd #ghostgallery #goth #rowsofneveropeneddoors

so last night i have to say i felt like i was experiencing shellshock trying to go to sleep with all the heavy duty (illegal) fireworks threatening all we hold dear. yeah i flat out hate the 4th of july. i have early childhood traumatic memories of alcoholic insanity, dead cats & fires. even all these years later i get ptsd.

& just when we'd spied 2 possible new feral kitties coming to visit our backyard.. we cleaned up their shelters & left food & water bowls full, the food disappears, hope they're not scared off.

oh & my birthday present came early..

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/around_the_bend/my-vampire-birthday.html

[ghost]

epically difficult night/day. (healthwise)

[ghost]

...week :(

[ghost]

...

[ghost]

only 5 more weeks till my gi consult video appt..
yep.
wonder if i'll still be here?

[ghost]

..probably.
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/heart%20of%20darkness%20x.png

[ghost]

i'm losing too much weight.. :(
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/around_the_bend/bony.html


dark ride..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/dark%20ride%20bw%20x.png


as the crow flies..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/as%20the%20crow%20flies.png

[ghost]

#infj #slumberparty #hibernation #depression #ghostgallery #painter #rowsofneveropeneddoors

so my weight reached a danger zone & mr dad made a call & was able to get my gi video consult pushed up to the 20th.. that i can do. trying to do some painting as i can.. i've been dealing with heavy duty depression along with my health issues & the batshit insane upside-down world we're in.. it's a little early but i'm thinking a nice long cold hibernation would hit the spot right now, to sleep, perchance to dream, & wake up around halloween? hey, it'll be my slumber party! & you're all invited! bring your kitties & sleeping bags, it'll be a depressionfest.
yay.

cold comfort: http://www.brensgumbyland.com/cold_comfort_details_frame.htm
sleepers (sound up): http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerysleepers.html

[ghost]

#midwinter #denysummer #donewiththesun #vampire #infj #sunallergy #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #radiohead #thomyorke #art #paintings #hibernation #depressionfest

this is a waltz thinking about our bodies
what they mean for our salvation
the little clothes that we stand up in
just the ground on which we stand
is the darkness ours to take?
bathed in lightness
bathed in heat
all is well
as long as we keep spinning
here & now
dancing behind a wall
when the old songs & laughter within
are forgiven
always have never been true
& when i arrive
will you come & find me?
or in a crowd
be one of them
while the walls are
back inside her
no tomorrows
at peace..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerymidwinter.html (sound up)

(this is the song that should be playing here, if it's not please go directly to the ghostgallery at gumbyland)

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgalleryhibernaculum.html (sound up)
after 14 years with typepad, my links here are now often broken :( (half the time they steal the music)

progress: https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/around_the_bend/sunset-house-bren.html

[ghost]

#infj #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #inmemory #vintage #music #songs #lyrics #60s #70s #family #art #abstracts #painting

for my mom & dad: (sound up) http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgalleryseasons.html

[ghost]

UPDATE: ok, so i finally figured out something important about my links here at typepad & i'm working on a fix since the music is essential!! now i know.. i'll be going back & fixing all the links i can here.. but if you come across an album link where the music won't play, please go directly to the ghost gallery at gumbyland & find the album there where it will always work! yay! (phones & tablets still steal away the music..)

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgalleryinaghosthousealbum.html (sound up)

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerylittlemissdx.html (sound up)

runawayaway
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/.a/6a00d834525fe869e20263e95ddd06200b-pi

[ghost]

#infj #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #dolls #art #depression #painter #recluse #vintage #goth #beatnik #vampire

hard to breathe.
hope it's not my heart?
(cardiomyopathy)

strawberry fields forever. http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerydolllife.html (sound up)

[ghost]

so my gi consult was not helpful. i was given a fodmap diet outline that essentially rules out the only half dozen foods i'm still even able to eat, offered tricyclic antidepressants that are sedating (taken at bedtime when i tend to wake up gasping for breath! :O ) & i'm supposed to see a therapist for my eating disorder issues. thanks.
i'd actually talk to my old therapist if i could afford to, but even with blue cross/blue shield insurance apparently we cannot afford to ever get sick.
so i'm on my own as always.
there is no such thing as professional help.

p,s. http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/ghostchild.png
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/.a/6a00d834525fe869e20263e9602b58200b-pi

[ghost]

dark days in every respect.
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/around_the_bend/smoke.html

[ghost]

pouring rain woke me up before dawn, thunder & lightning over & over #rain #pdx #portland #wildfires #oregonfires2020 #infj #blog #introvert #toxicair #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors
we all woke up to see.. hope it's enough to put out the nearby fire & clear up our toxic air? these have been some of the longest months of my life. i feel like i've been changed, i know i've always been eccentric, but it's pretty locked in now. sunday will mark one year since i lost my special kitty, my soul sister, snug. i don't know how i've made it through this whole year without her. she was my therapy cat, an alpha wave generator to be sure, she calmed my troubled brain when i could not. still cannot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yPw_aR2Y9Q

[ghost]

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2020/09/remembering-snug.html
i'm having some of the hardest days of my life.
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerymiseriesmelancholies.html (sound up)