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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« quarantine | Main | freeze warning »

May 29, 2020


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#infj #strawberrymoon #fullmoon #lunareclipse #lunacy #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #psychology #cats #ferals
caution: fucks & more fucks ahead.

more fucking terror buildup as i feel like i'm suffocating under this strawberry moon/lunar eclipse, i sleep when i can, eat when i can, usually vanilla ice-cream.
& more fucking problems with my ghost gallery, now music's not loading on pages using google chrome? sometimes? varies by browser? why?
also can one die of springcleaning & hotflashes? those tiny bits of hell spread out for maximum punishment for all my many sins? all conspiring together with my orthostatic hypotension to try to kill me off, surely.
have i mentioned after the last snow our backyard ferals have drifted away elsewhere?? i hope they're ok? maybe they have better spring/summer digs than our winter shelter array?
we're bbqing burgers out back tonight since we're forecast for more tstorms this weekend.. that'll be nice at least..
well not for me of course because i can't eat. but the thunderstorms will be nice.. (it's called chrysalism, you should look it up)
so i bought some radiohead socks. that'll be nice too, someday, when they finally get here & wait out our garage quarantine system for mail & packages.
quarantine fashion btw :
makes me think of my own sweet cheshire cat, snug.. wish i was with her.
so if i'm up choking tonight i'll try to photo the moon & update later..

p.s. fuckall.

update: so it's nice & rainy here, too cloudy for moonpix this time, i'm ok with that. not ok with whatever's occurring with my ghost gallery links here, i've ruled out my bloghost typepad. it seems sound is being stolen away from many of my gallery & album links, so going forward anyone interested please go directly to my ghost gallery up at gumbyland so the music will play as it should. it's just not the same without it. older browsers work best like firefox, google chrome or internet explorer, even windows 10, but phones & tablets do not work. this pains me. my world is falling apart.


#infj #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #vampires #family #photos #loss #butterflies #rainydays #ESO

we're denying summer here & enjoying weeks of rainy days, i love stealing these days away from june.
so i've been going back in time looking through old photos & home movies & tapes..
way back in the day as a teenager i spent one summer working over my grandma's old film editor, splicing together our family's home movies going way back to the 50s, i later transferred them over to vhs & added music so i could present them to my mom one christmas..
(our family have always been avid photographers & filmmakers, guess it's in my blood?) since then i've been the one taking home movies of all of us, i have archived treasure that spans many decades..
i always love choosing just the right music for our drives up here in the pacific northwest for example..
then there's the glut of photographs since mr dad & i both share that interest, & toxic made audio cassette tapes of everything under the sun, so this installation came together recently as i've been thinking about family & everyone i've lost.. (sound up, but if the music doesn't play here :o please find my rainy day time machine installation at the ghost gallery directly, way down in the quarantine area..)



#infj #paintings #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #vampire #stayinside #rainydays #denysummer (sound up)


#eso #infj #vampire #stayinside #ghostgallery #introvert #rowsofneveropeneddoors #gaming

in my element..


another dr's appt. i'm so tired.
depression scares me.
i used to cut when i felt this bad..
to make it stop, to dissociate, to go to sleep.
i notice on mychart my dr has pulled anorexia back up to the top of my dx list..
talk about time travel, i think i've gone back 20 years?

on a happier note, happy birthday lost & found!


so i've been struggling to eat & breathe & live with my ibs anyway i can to avoid going in to the gi dr :( it's very demoralizing & puts me in a dark place..

unhappy meals? ~


#infj #vampire #introvert #stayinside #ptsd #ghostgallery #goth #rowsofneveropeneddoors

so last night i have to say i felt like i was experiencing shellshock trying to go to sleep with all the heavy duty (illegal) fireworks threatening all we hold dear. yeah i flat out hate the 4th of july. i have early childhood traumatic memories of alcoholic insanity, dead cats & fires. even all these years later i get ptsd.

& just when we'd spied 2 possible new feral kitties coming to visit our backyard.. we cleaned up their shelters & left food & water bowls full, the food disappears, hope they're not scared off.

oh & my birthday present came early..


epically difficult night/day. (healthwise)


...week :(




only 5 more weeks till my gi consult video appt..
wonder if i'll still be here?




i'm losing too much weight.. :(

dark ride..

as the crow flies..


#infj #slumberparty #hibernation #depression #ghostgallery #painter #rowsofneveropeneddoors

so my weight reached a danger zone & mr dad made a call & was able to get my gi video consult pushed up to the 20th.. that i can do. trying to do some painting as i can.. i've been dealing with heavy duty depression along with my health issues & the batshit insane upside-down world we're in.. it's a little early but i'm thinking a nice long cold hibernation would hit the spot right now, to sleep, perchance to dream, & wake up around halloween? hey, it'll be my slumber party! & you're all invited! bring your kitties & sleeping bags, it'll be a depressionfest.

cold comfort:
sleepers (sound up):


#midwinter #denysummer #donewiththesun #vampire #infj #sunallergy #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #radiohead #thomyorke #art #paintings #hibernation #depressionfest

this is a waltz thinking about our bodies
what they mean for our salvation
the little clothes that we stand up in
just the ground on which we stand
is the darkness ours to take?
bathed in lightness
bathed in heat
all is well
as long as we keep spinning
here & now
dancing behind a wall
when the old songs & laughter within
are forgiven
always have never been true
& when i arrive
will you come & find me?
or in a crowd
be one of them
while the walls are
back inside her
no tomorrows
at peace.. (sound up)

(this is the song that should be playing here, if it's not please go directly to the ghostgallery at gumbyland) (sound up)
after 14 years with typepad, my links here are now often broken :( (half the time they steal the music)



#infj #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #inmemory #vintage #music #songs #lyrics #60s #70s #family #art #abstracts #painting

for my mom & dad: (sound up)


UPDATE: ok, so i finally figured out something important about my links here at typepad & i'm working on a fix since the music is essential!! now i know.. i'll be going back & fixing all the links i can here.. but if you come across an album link where the music won't play, please go directly to the ghost gallery at gumbyland & find the album there where it will always work! yay! (phones & tablets still steal away the music..) (sound up) (sound up)



#infj #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #dolls #art #depression #painter #recluse #vintage #goth #beatnik #vampire

hard to breathe.
hope it's not my heart?

strawberry fields forever. (sound up)


so my gi consult was not helpful. i was given a fodmap diet outline that essentially rules out the only half dozen foods i'm still even able to eat, offered tricyclic antidepressants that are sedating (taken at bedtime when i tend to wake up gasping for breath! :O ) & i'm supposed to see a therapist for my eating disorder issues. thanks.
i'd actually talk to my old therapist if i could afford to, but even with blue cross/blue shield insurance apparently we cannot afford to ever get sick.
so i'm on my own as always.
there is no such thing as professional help.



dark days in every respect.


pouring rain woke me up before dawn, thunder & lightning over & over #rain #pdx #portland #wildfires #oregonfires2020 #infj #blog #introvert #toxicair #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors
we all woke up to see.. hope it's enough to put out the nearby fire & clear up our toxic air? these have been some of the longest months of my life. i feel like i've been changed, i know i've always been eccentric, but it's pretty locked in now. sunday will mark one year since i lost my special kitty, my soul sister, snug. i don't know how i've made it through this whole year without her. she was my therapy cat, an alpha wave generator to be sure, she calmed my troubled brain when i could not. still cannot.

i'm having some of the hardest days of my life. (sound up)

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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