come hell

this is why we fight - the decemberists

come the war
come the avarice
come the war
come hell

come attrition
come the reek of bones
come attrition

come hell

this is why
why we fight
why we lie awake
& this is why
this is why we fight

when we die
we will die
with our arms unbound

& this is why
this is why
we fight
come hell

bride of quiet
bride of all unquiet things
bride of quiet
bride of hell

come the archers
come the infantry
come the archers
of hell

this is why
why we fight
why we lie awake
this is why
this is why we fight
& when we die
we will die
with our arms unbound
& this is why
this is why we fight

so come to me
come to me now
lay your arms around me
& this is why
this is why
we fight

come hell
come hell
come hell
come hell

 

..the seasons have turned & we have our rain,

we took some rainy day drives over the last weekend, to welcome halloween season & take photos for my albums, but i've realized my portland & friendlyghost albums have become huge over all these years so i started a new one over there >>>

or just click here: around the bend (sound up)

 

also, we let the fates decide our annual halloween personas, which are brewing already & will appear here soon (just click on these links)

 

the world's gone full-on batshit insane to me, so i hide underground these days, can't afford the echocardiogram i need, & right now i'm trying to fight off jury duty.. fuck'em, let them put a warrant out on me.. yeah, i'm not real happy at the moment. snug is 18 & a half years old & skinny & deaf & a fragile little old lady, but she truly has had 9 lives to be sure.. i just don't know what i'll do when the last one gives out & we're kittyless.. winters can be hard..

but i still love them. i hope for loads of snow this year.. still painting.. still writing my troubled journals.. full moon approaching, i can feel it in my aching head..

my reclusive grumblings will continue in the comments.. ..

 

bren/ghost

 

p.s.

feed me

Comments

[ghost]

so last night this happened.. #Friday13th #fullmoon #equinox #harvestmoon #moon

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/halloween_11/full-harvest-friday-13th-moon.html
(see photos)

[ghost]

kittyless.. #cats #kitty #infj #loss #rowsofneveropeneddoors #grief #otrb #ocd #death #psychotherapy

https://twitter.com/GhostAtTheGate/status/1175415342736166913?s=20

so i knew this was coming, after we lost rose blue last month i've been following my special kitty snug around trying to do anything i can to keep her comfortable..
but she's been sick for a long time. she went deaf from a nasal polyp condition years ago & has had chronic sinus infections & some ibd issues to deal with, just like her mama & sister did.. they lived on steroids long term..
she's had 9 lives to be sure. you'd think going deaf would be a bad thing, but for snug, it was a strange blessing. like me, she was the most highly sensitive type, subject to anxiety..
she calmed down once her hearing was gone, & we always had such a strong connection that she still 'heard' me i am sure, as i'd talk to her & we'd look in each others' eyes, i knew that.
i called her my unofficial therapy kitty, because she always curled up with me & calmed me, since i am challenged at self-soothing.. she was an alpha wave generator & we helped each other..
anyone with a deaf kitty knows because they can't hear, they meow/call Loudly. but the moment one of us would make eye contact she'd immediately switch back to her 'baby voice'
quiet sweet meowtalk that told her mood exactly, she wore her heart on her sleeve, so to speak & we'd understand her very well..
but in distress or pain that loud meow/calling caused us the same distress as we tried to help her, to eat when she was sickly or in pain, to reassure her as she became older & a little confused..
so the last week was a compassion fatigue marathon of sorts for dan & i, taking shifts, me daytime & him nightly..
& then we knew it was time. that's such a hard thing. we always hope they'll just pass peacefully in their sleep & drift away to kitty heaven, don't we?
i'd been talking to her for some time, telling her she didn't have to take care of me anymore, that i needed her to be happy with her mama & auntie brina & sisters, to go straight to them when the time came..
well, on the last day (while i was in the shower sobbing) dan/raven was saying his goodbye to her & he said she got up & went into the dining room under the table to where her favorite auntie sabrina's nest used to be,
& then checked in her warm lined winter box she liked to retreat to..
like she was looking for her..
while the sedative was knocking her out i was giving her one last tummyrub..

i'm someone who has 'kitty issues' from childhood, toxic had her own kitty graveyard..
(toxic is the name i gave my inner child, this is a john bradshaw thing)
over the years i've come to accept & embrace her no matter how mute & feral she may be.. we're ocd, she used to have praying & counting rituals backwards & forwards to try to help her kitties & loved ones..
with me it was phobic germ avoidance & raccoon-like hand washing, ingestion fears & eating disorder.. it was one particular therapist who gave me just enough trust in people again so that i could have kitties back in my life 20 years ago..
(thank you, licia)

i had become unable to really touch them for years, i was afraid to touch old things too.. you could say i was afraid to touch anything i really loved..
i've come a long way back, kitties brought me back.. & my love of vintage collecting has been my exposure therapy of sorts..
(i swear kitties toxic had from the old difficult days have come back to us again.. if you are skeptical i can show you pictures that you wouldn't believe..)
coming back home from the vet's i found myself immediately washing my hands like 10 or 11 times..
11 is my pet number, other ocd folk will understand this, i still always wear 11 pieces of silver jewelry etc..
mr dad says he won't let me go back to how i was before..
raven's ocd too & helps me so much.

& i realized although our beloved indoor kitty family is gone, we are not truly kittyless, we have always taken care of our backyard ferals, our winter kitties..
miss bingo, still wild, has been with us over 10 years now, & we will see her & mr kat & mr big fluff, whoever shows up, through the winter snow & cold.. whoever needs warm shelter & a meal is always welcome..

we need down time.
but raven says when we're ready he wants a skinny black kitten,
like our old lilah..
i know i can't live without a tabby cat beside me for very long..

she's hard to let go, she was indeed my very special kitty, my soul sister..
dan says now she's my invisible cheshire cat still smiling down on me..
i believe him.

this was very long for the comments, but i had to hide this here..
there are too many associations for me to mention, so i'll just leave these links too..

the kitties - http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerykittiesalbum.html (sound up)

ghost reflections (sound up) - http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgalleryghostreflectionsalbum.html

back in the day (sound up) - http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerybackinthedayalbum.html

kitty heaven is our heaven -
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerykittyheavenalbum.html

brenda was here http://www.brensgumbyland.com/brenda%20was%20here.html

[ghost]

october eve.. #infj #october #halloween #photography #goth #ghost #autumn #dreams

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/halloween_11/deatheater-x-bren.html

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/.a/6a00d834525fe869e20240a4b3b03f200d-pi

[ghost]

perhaps the butterfly.. #infj #ThisIsLife @lisaling #MoreHarmThanGood #psychology #health #mentalhealth #benzos #suicide #nobutterfly #fuckbenzos #prescribedharm #benzosurvivor

perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness yet still become something beautiful..

i saw this message on lisa ling's cnn special tonight on benzos.. my heart goes out to everybody touched by benzos & the over prescribing & irresponsible prescribing of this group of drugs, i went through this nightmare myself back in the 90s when i first told a dr i felt difficulty swallowing (a problem my son also inherited) & was told it was only anxiety & first put on xanax.. it didn't help at all, but i was on it for years & had to get myself back off of it without help of any kind, only to be put back onto it again when i tried to seek help from a psychologist instead.. years again, then the klonopin, also add into the mix stomach drugs like reglan, for YEARS.. i am only alive now because i'm irish & i am fucking badass.. the klonopin withdrawls were a nightmare.. to every so called 'professional' i sought help from who did not listen to what i thoughtfully explained to them ~
FUCK YOU!
i'd be dead a dozen times over if i'd trusted them over my own experience & judgement. this makes me so angry, the people going through this now.. & yes i am ranting, this is a rantworthy topic..
to suddenly go from being treated like a highly intelligent person to just an anxious female & given these drugs over & over & over..
yeah, i am fucking angry..
thank you lisa ling for getting this out there for the public to hear..

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/x-2.html

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/x-3.html

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/the-akathisia-black-hole-that-was-1995-all-brought-to-you-by-the-evil-stomach-drug-reglan.html

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/f-1.html

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/k.html

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerydollmedicine.html (sound up)

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerylosthollow.html (sound up)

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/BFFs%20large.png

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerycollidescope.html (sound up)

motherfuckers.

[ghost]

strangelets #infj #art #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #nature #anatomy #animal

strangelets ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerystrangelets.html (sound up)

[ghost]

#halloween #album #update (brace yourself!) #photography #horror #death #werewolf #scary #warning

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/halloween_11/page/3/