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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« rows of never opened doors | Main | snowcave »

September 10, 2019


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so last night this happened.. #Friday13th #fullmoon #equinox #harvestmoon #moon
(see photos)


kittyless.. #cats #kitty #infj #loss #rowsofneveropeneddoors #grief #otrb #ocd #death #psychotherapy

so i knew this was coming, after we lost rose blue last month i've been following my special kitty snug around trying to do anything i can to keep her comfortable..
but she's been sick for a long time. she went deaf from a nasal polyp condition years ago & has had chronic sinus infections & some ibd issues to deal with, just like her mama & sister did.. they lived on steroids long term..
she's had 9 lives to be sure. you'd think going deaf would be a bad thing, but for snug, it was a strange blessing. like me, she was the most highly sensitive type, subject to anxiety..
she calmed down once her hearing was gone, & we always had such a strong connection that she still 'heard' me i am sure, as i'd talk to her & we'd look in each others' eyes, i knew that.
i called her my unofficial therapy kitty, because she always curled up with me & calmed me, since i am challenged at self-soothing.. she was an alpha wave generator & we helped each other..
anyone with a deaf kitty knows because they can't hear, they meow/call Loudly. but the moment one of us would make eye contact she'd immediately switch back to her 'baby voice'
quiet sweet meowtalk that told her mood exactly, she wore her heart on her sleeve, so to speak & we'd understand her very well..
but in distress or pain that loud meow/calling caused us the same distress as we tried to help her, to eat when she was sickly or in pain, to reassure her as she became older & a little confused..
so the last week was a compassion fatigue marathon of sorts for dan & i, taking shifts, me daytime & him nightly..
& then we knew it was time. that's such a hard thing. we always hope they'll just pass peacefully in their sleep & drift away to kitty heaven, don't we?
i'd been talking to her for some time, telling her she didn't have to take care of me anymore, that i needed her to be happy with her mama & auntie brina & sisters, to go straight to them when the time came..
well, on the last day (while i was in the shower sobbing) dan/raven was saying his goodbye to her & he said she got up & went into the dining room under the table to where her favorite auntie sabrina's nest used to be,
& then checked in her warm lined winter box she liked to retreat to..
like she was looking for her..
while the sedative was knocking her out i was giving her one last tummyrub..

i'm someone who has 'kitty issues' from childhood, toxic had her own kitty graveyard..
(toxic is the name i gave my inner child, this is a john bradshaw thing)
over the years i've come to accept & embrace her no matter how mute & feral she may be.. we're ocd, she used to have praying & counting rituals backwards & forwards to try to help her kitties & loved ones..
with me it was phobic germ avoidance & raccoon-like hand washing, ingestion fears & eating disorder.. it was one particular therapist who gave me just enough trust in people again so that i could have kitties back in my life 20 years ago..
(thank you, licia)

i had become unable to really touch them for years, i was afraid to touch old things too.. you could say i was afraid to touch anything i really loved..
i've come a long way back, kitties brought me back.. & my love of vintage collecting has been my exposure therapy of sorts..
(i swear kitties toxic had from the old difficult days have come back to us again.. if you are skeptical i can show you pictures that you wouldn't believe..)
coming back home from the vet's i found myself immediately washing my hands like 10 or 11 times..
11 is my pet number, other ocd folk will understand this, i still always wear 11 pieces of silver jewelry etc..
mr dad says he won't let me go back to how i was before..
raven's ocd too & helps me so much.

& i realized although our beloved indoor kitty family is gone, we are not truly kittyless, we have always taken care of our backyard ferals, our winter kitties..
miss bingo, still wild, has been with us over 10 years now, & we will see her & mr kat & mr big fluff, whoever shows up, through the winter snow & cold.. whoever needs warm shelter & a meal is always welcome..

we need down time.
but raven says when we're ready he wants a skinny black kitten,
like our old lilah..
i know i can't live without a tabby cat beside me for very long..

she's hard to let go, she was indeed my very special kitty, my soul sister..
dan says now she's my invisible cheshire cat still smiling down on me..
i believe him.

this was very long for the comments, but i had to hide this here..
there are too many associations for me to mention, so i'll just leave these links too..

the kitties - (sound up)

ghost reflections (sound up) -

back in the day (sound up) -

kitty heaven is our heaven -

brenda was here


october eve.. #infj #october #halloween #photography #goth #ghost #autumn #dreams


perhaps the butterfly.. #infj #ThisIsLife @lisaling #MoreHarmThanGood #psychology #health #mentalhealth #benzos #suicide #nobutterfly #fuckbenzos #prescribedharm #benzosurvivor

perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness yet still become something beautiful..

i saw this message on lisa ling's cnn special tonight on benzos.. my heart goes out to everybody touched by benzos & the over prescribing & irresponsible prescribing of this group of drugs, i went through this nightmare myself back in the 90s when i first told a dr i felt difficulty swallowing (a problem my son also inherited) & was told it was only anxiety & first put on xanax.. it didn't help at all, but i was on it for years & had to get myself back off of it without help of any kind, only to be put back onto it again when i tried to seek help from a psychologist instead.. years again, then the klonopin, also add into the mix stomach drugs like reglan, for YEARS.. i am only alive now because i'm irish & i am fucking badass.. the klonopin withdrawls were a nightmare.. to every so called 'professional' i sought help from who did not listen to what i thoughtfully explained to them ~
i'd be dead a dozen times over if i'd trusted them over my own experience & judgement. this makes me so angry, the people going through this now.. & yes i am ranting, this is a rantworthy topic..
to suddenly go from being treated like a highly intelligent person to just an anxious female & given these drugs over & over & over..
yeah, i am fucking angry..
thank you lisa ling for getting this out there for the public to hear.. (sound up) (sound up) (sound up)



strangelets #infj #art #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #nature #anatomy #animal

strangelets ~ (sound up)


#halloween #album #update (brace yourself!) #photography #horror #death #werewolf #scary #warning

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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