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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« 2019 | Main | come hell »

March 15, 2019


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so last night i had a nightmare.. #infj #nightmare #dream #death #dying #psychology #mentalillness
i woke up in bed with my sister, cathy..
(if you've read my posts or comments before you may know my sister has been lying braindead for over 4 years now in a facility down in la..)
well, i kept trying to understand what she was trying to tell me, but i couldn't.. i had my arm around her & she was just incoherent..
so i slipped out of bed & looked at her, & realized her eyes were closed & she was talking in her sleep..
& i left the room & found myself in my old childhood home..
of course.
i closed myself in the bathroom where i seemed to fall asleep in the bathtub filled with water?
& then i woke up all over again back in bed with my sister.
this time i got out of there quickly & went through the dark house until i came out in the kitchen..
my mom was there sitting at a table decorating a cake & my dad sat further away by a tv, she was young like it was the 70s..
& they were not a bit happy with me i could tell.
i wish i could remember what my mom said,
but i was very freaked out & asked her
'What Year is this?'
she kept on talking so i asked her again until she answered,
'this is 2005'

& i said 'NO IT ISN'T!' & woke up..
a little trick that worked this time, as i am someone who has had nightmares since childhood, at times where i was lucid but couldn't wake myself up,
often in toxic's dark house, often fighting off cathy..
i woke up lying on my back, which has always been a trigger for me to have bad dreams,
because sleeping curled up in a ball keeps you safe, right?

miss snug & miss rose had taken up most of the bed..
i got up for a drink & walked through the dark house & into mr dad's space room across the hall..
i never had my own room as a child so up here in oregon i've made up for that, since the kitties have always slept with me..
& mr dad has his spaceroom full of robots & his own cool stuff (& his cpap machine that makes him sound like he's doing a bad cher impression when he tries to talk)
it scares the kitties..
(& me.)
hey, i did my decades trying to sleep beside a snoring sasquatch, you know?
anyway, he never uses the cpap like he's supposed to anymore so he was snoring & i hesitated to wake him up since we both have insomnia issues & it was 2:30 in the a.m.
the insomniac's hour..
but his tv was still on with no sound, so i turned it off & stood there behind him in the dark..
he stopped snoring as i considered whether i should wake him up or not.
i realize now that this may have been unsettling,
but i whispered, john?
& he answered so i told him my nightmare..
well, this freaked him out so bad, he said he had goosebumps..
& now i was kinda cold, so i said,
'well, goodnight'


then raven heard & came in since he keeps vampire hours the way i did when i was young, & we all laughed thinking of these old simpsons scenes..

in the end i had no more nightmares, but apparently mr dad Did. lols

going back to bed i saw the moon looking in my window,
here comes another supermoon.. (sound up)


i'm on your side.. #infj #art #artist #expressionist #ghostgallery #alice #radiohead #painter #paintings (sound up)

just as i've gotten myself all healthylike at a decent weight mr dad has come down with a sore throat.. here we fucking go again..

for the love of alice ~

& mr horse!


#infj #vintage #ghostgallery #wizardofoz #collector #art #dollscape #innerchild
i woke up with a sore throat, we are all sick here again, but i went down fighting! we waited in line for 2 hours again to get into the pdx estates sale this morning, for wizard of oz & vintage rpgs, well, yeah!
they know me there now, i guess i'm the vintage toy/book blog lady?

yesterday the virus cast its spell on me making me all zoned out & sleepy, but then we saw a cool rainbow last evening & i felt inspired, so i started working on a new dollscape, i've painted poppies in falling snow on a cool box we liked, now toxic can draw on it while we're sick, fill it & put stickers on it or whatever she wants.. my inner child doesn't talk, but she expresses herself with art & toys :)
i'll post a link here once it's done..

strange that being sick can be slightly sedating?
it makes me feel better..


let me take you down.. #infj #art #artist #ghostgallery #expressionist #abstract #dollscape #innerchild

toxic inner child dollscape:
(don't you dare use a phone, you'll lose the music!)

ghost & toxic

p.s. (music here too & occasional croaking..)


goodbye cruel world.. #infj #innerchild #artist #rpg #gamer #existentialdrought #insanity #depession #fuckall


follow me down a foxhole in the ground.. #infj #artist #resist #expressionism #abstract #art #ghostgallery #painting #hide #rowsofneveropeneddoors #midlake #agoraphobia #hibernation

(sound up)


#infj #blog #art #painter #rowsofneveropeneddoors #ghostgallery #artist #abstracts #expressionism #apothecary #gallery
oh my god notre dame cathedral burned.. is it the end of days?

apothecary: (sound up!)


#infj #migraine #spring #vampire #toys #collector #stepfordwives

so as i was lying there flat on my back across the bed wrongwise, seeing a big blob of color in my closed eyes, i pondered, is this migraine aura? am i dead? .. & then i realized, no, that's right, it's a dead-a-thon, when the undead rise after long cozy snowy days & viruses & begin the first days of our traditional spring cleaning list.. :D
dear god.

we're all house so we each choose our territory & divide tasks, mr dad gets the outside & garage & raven does the heavy lifting, etc..

spring clean '19 started out rough, i pulled basically everything. lying there, heart pounding, though still actively studying the ceiling for moth 'silks' or the odd pale house spider venturing out of hiding, i feel my vampiric ancientness.. once again just individually vaccuuming my beloved plush toy shelf of lions, tigers & bears over my bed nearly proved the death of me with my low bp issues.. (but yes i did stop to play with some of them..)

as a toy collector i have merely one million tiny things to be dusted, the 'altar of eclectica' alone has crippled me & mr dad both in years past & must be broken down into sections. not that i don't appreciate the cobwebs, it is a ghost house afterall..

i am proud to say i've finished both the toyroom & playroom & am ready for the spring library book sale downtown coming up soon :)

but i may have triggered a migraine for my efforts, one neck pull the wrong way or lifting anything heavy can result in days of pain, though i think it is the good friday full moon approaching that's probably causing it..

i'm also starting to feel all stepfordy like my favorite scene here:

still so much to do, but hey, at least it's still spring, at times we don't finish till halloween, & of course nothing demoralizes an ocd person more than rerolling that list.. :O

the altar:


#infj #toys #goth #dream #dolls #collector #madhatter #alice

i thought it was one of my toy fever dreams.. but sure enough the sign nearby said 'doll sale' & i found treasure!


p.s. any thoughts & prayers are appreciated for my pumpkin seeds which are now in the ground.


#infj #art #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #psychology #anatomy #abstracts #expressionism #artist #forensic #insomnia

in the night my insomnia was enhanced with weird visions of color like simsickness after a day of too much painting..

forenpsychology: (sound up!)


#infj #depression #innerchild #artist #psychology #attachment #fuckall
feeling like i can't take much more of this world, going underground.


#bloodborne #art #infj #infp #RavenMoonX #ghostgallery #goth #videogame #gamer #youtube #gothkitchen #horror #anatomy #artist #radiohead #victorian #vampire

any hunters out there under the blood moon? please check out raven's new gaming youtube channel, starting with a full & ocd/completionist playthrough of our beloved bloodborne ~

& remember to subscribe ;) to help an infp fellow vampire reach monetization..

also, welcome to the gothkitchen ~ (sound up)


#innerchild #art #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #infj #painter #artist #arttherapy #psychology #bluemoon

for toxic ~ (sound up!!)


#infj #depression #art #ghostgallery #paintings #artist #psychology #rowsofneveropeneddoors #abstract #radiohead #expressionism #ghost

epiphanies: (sound up)


it's me, giraffe #infj #mouthfullofrazorblades #journal #fuckall #migraine #minis #psychology


#infj #migraine #aura #depression #art #innerchild #vampire #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #painter #cats

migraine invisible..

etc.. (sound up)

for toxic:


#infj #insanity #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #gamer #migraine #ITMFA #depression

the world is insane.

dream alone ~


the beauty's in the struggle.. #infj #art #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #painter #psychology #artist #abstract #nature #artshare #ghost

end of days: (sound up)

rainpuddles: (sound up)

i asked god to save one female snow leopard & take me instead..
i hope he/she hears.


the dark soul #DarkSouls #infj #hollow #nyctophilia #vampire #gamergirl #FirstDayofSummer #DenySummer #FromSoftware

mr dad crests the everest of birthdays ~

thing of evil ~


be the moon.. #infj #art #moon #ghostgallery #artist #expressionism #rowsofneveropeneddoors #journals #ITMFA #abstracts

be the moon: (sound up)

also i just found out my dad has a rare form of cancer, & due to his age they won't be doing chemo or surgery either, they say he has a year.. my dad's agoraphobic like me, so we haven't seen each other in many years.. (i'm still holding out hope that my son, raven, is not likewise afflicted..we can be such lonely hermits at times..)
i worry about my mom..


there's a kitty.. #infj #darksouls #rpg #fromsoftware #death #dying #earthquakes #migraine #cats

i've had a strange migraine that throws off my equilibrium.. maybe too much dark souls? we're on watch now, because after the p.s. i left in the last comment things took a turn for the worse.. on the day of the big earthquake my dad had a heart attack, & now he's on his deathbed.. :(

..died peacefully surrounded by family..
rest in peace, dad..


go away now summer, welcome fall.. #infj #trees #hike #nature #detox #oregon #photography

january trees: (sound up)

cemeteria: (sound up)


a strange day.. #infj #birthday #summer #pmle #vampire #death #dying #family #moon #mentalillness #art #ghostgallery #sisters #rowsofneveropeneddoors
his ashes will stay at home until they can be mixed with my mom's, at which time my sister will take them back to ravenwood.. (hopefully by then cathy will be included?)
family tree: (sound up)

& this is for my sister ~
(sound up)


#oneworld #infj #art #anima #radiohead #thomyorke #itmfa #climatechange #resist #artshare

one world: (sound up)


pix from toxic: #infj #innerchild #psychology #art #dollscape #toys #trauma #dissociation #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #artshare

hiding places: (sound up)


we lost rose.. #infj #kitty #love #loss #cat #grief #death #dying #otrb

beautiful rose..

i think of tears
i think of rain on shingles
i think of rain
i think of roses blue..

it rained lightly this morning..
she died peacefully with raven right there with her looking into her eyes as she went to sleep..
she died purring..


#fullmoon coming, i can feel it.. #infj #dreams #darksoul #death #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #painter #si #selfinjury #depression #gamer #journal #art

there once was an abomination who had no place in this world, she clutched this peculiar doll tightly, & eventually was drawn into a cold & lonely painted world..

i dreamt about my dad last night ~


journals: (warning: blood)

ghostpix: (sound up)

..back down the rabbithole


soon i'll be right as rain, right as rain i'll be, right as rain.. #infj #depression #ghostgallery #cats #innerchild #rowsofneveropeneddoors #existentialdrought

i couldn't sleep & didn't want to disturb miss snug, who is sick again :( so i'm up posting at 4 in the morning.. i crashed into depression yesterday.. hoping halloween is in the stores? & planning a drive, maybe through the gorge to photo more trees..
i don't know what else to do.



nature therapy #infj #depression #photography #oregon #wilderness #columbiarivergorge #ghostgallery #rowsofneveropeneddoors #trees

wilderness: (sound up)


once i had a nightmare about a place called neverafter.. #infj #art #nightmare #vampire #ghostgallery #cats #rowsofneveropeneddoors #abstracts #dreams #kitty #artshare #psychology #arttherapy

just like in that old twilight zone episode, i had lost one of my kitties there somehow, we were playing her hide & seek game she loved to play only she got inside the walls? & i could hear her meowing.. (large)


the oldest house has many doors.. #infj #recluse #ghostgallery #innerchild #depression #psychology #art #rowsofneveropeneddoors

just here haunting my intraverse..

curiosities: (sound up)

oh & this:

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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