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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity


ghost space

« into our darkest hour.. | Main | rows of never opened doors »

January 01, 2019


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i think i'll just sit here & watch the world turn.. (sound up!)

such a windy rainy night we had last night, kept waking me up from strange dreams..


if you're happy & you know it, go away. #infj #grumpysunday #fullmoon #psychology #nightmare #ocd #depression #grumpycat
'cause i'm having a grumpy sunday. :(
i've been feeling that big super blood wolf moon since friday night when i woke up from a freakish ocd nightmare with a stomachache.. as an ocd type i have intense phobias surrounding the idea of ingesting anything unusual (or most foods actually..) but anyway, in the dream i suddenly felt super sick & had stomach pain & someone told me i had swallowed a memory drive. ?!? so i woke up with an irrational fear that i'd sleepwalked around & swallowed a thumbdrive or something & couldn't get myself to stop worrying about it somehow.. it's that fucking moon, i tell you, it messes with my insides & my brain. so i assume what's really happened is my pokey gi tract is just suddenly having trouble you know, digesting & stuff, like normal people's insides do, because the full moon messes with your water balance & notoriously causes some kind of flare-up or inflammation/angioedema or something with me. i hate it. so i've been very grumpy & living on liquids & ice cream out of anxiety. i get such weird symptoms & worry i won't be able to breathe, maybe the cardiomyopathy is involved. who knows? i don't trust drs anymore so i suffer & grumble in silence (& here in my isolation where i haunt the internets..)
just my latest in a string of nightmares.

p.s. the significance of swallowing sick painful memories did not elude me..


my sister is only a number. #death #dying #deathwithdignity #mentalillness #schizophrenia #memorial

we only need one more dr signature on my sister's DNR (it takes one psychiatrist & 3 drs) but they're all too worried about being sued.. & i'm sure my unrecognizably skinny bent braindead mentally ill sister is also an easy source of income for the facility she's been in down in LA for these last long 4 YEARS.
but my other sister is fighting for her & should not be underestimated. i've tried to help in my way, but i'm only a useless ghost.

memorial here:

no snow here for us..


it's snowing.. #infj #ghost #gallery #art #expressionism #innerchild #isolophilia #psychology #radiohead

rows of never opened doors ~

p.s. thom yorke is my muse.. (sound up)

hey! i'm a toxic moon butterfly ;)

oh and..


so even we get screwed on our taxes.. #taxes #idiot #snowdays #pdx #snow #portland #cats #infj #ghostgallery #art #lovecraft

have i mentioned snug is my soul sister?


me today: #infj #depression #ghostgallery #art #tgif #existentialdrought

ok yes this is my life.


i couldn't see the super snow moon because of the clouds.. #supersnowmoon #infj #moon #insomnia #art #ghostgallery #elliottsmith
i couldn't sleep either..

this is pretend (sound up) ~

update: the bone moon ~


still snowing.. #infj #snow #pdx #portland #art #depression #painting #cats #booknerd #retro #toys #noboringsocks
last night some bunnies were running around chasing each other in our neighbor's backyard, i watched them from my bedroom window, wondering if one of them might be our bunny that used to live in our frontyard hedge? i was worried about him, haven't seen him since the tree got cut down out there :( i hope that's him out there having fun in the night snow with his friend :)

still painting.. but dealing with heavy duty depression these days.. cool retro treasures & old books are a comfort.. & of course, snug, she's a professional..




these are my twisted words.. #infj #art #ghostgallery #abstract #expressionism #depression #insomnia #moon #psychology #artist #painting

ruminatorium (sound up) ~

it's still snowing..

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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