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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
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  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)


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~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
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cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
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this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

Smith
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is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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Thingsbehindthesun
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Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
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copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

Enter
halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved

My Other Accounts

ghost gamelinks..


  • ghost's top eleven rpg's:
    #1 ~ down the rabbit hole... "here's a riddle.. when is a croquet mallet like a billy club? ..i'll tell you... whenever you want it to be..." cheshire cat to alice (american mcgee's alice: the original) this game is my favorite above all others...
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    thank you thank you mr mcgee for alice madness returns!!! (with the original i still rate these the best!)

  • #2 is primal, especially the wraith world where i felt right at home.. what a relief to play a strong female for a change, and with scree the gargoyle at my side... loved this game and want more!!!

  • #3 is fable/fable:lost chapters/fable 2.. get lost in this incredible world and determine your own fate... good or evil.. or somewhere in between... fable 3 is out!!!

  • #4 city of lost children.. based on the french movie of the same name.. you are miette, an orphan, use your thieving and sneaking skills to free the childrens' souls from the evil inventor who is stealing their dreams...

  • tied at #4 the kingdom hearts games (2).. disney meets final fantasy! play in disney worlds alongside jack skellington in halloweentown, jack sparrow in the caribbean or alice at the mad tea party..

  • #5 is van helsing.. if you liked the movie, play this gothic masterpiece and face werewolves, the frankenstein monster, mr hyde and count dracula himself...

  • #6 are all of the lord of the rings games, which are all worth mastering, including the hobbit game.. (watch out for the spiders!)
    & the old classic snes lord of the rings.. (another good old favorite.. i spent forever lost in the barrow downs...)

  • #7 are all the ultima games.. my favorites were 'quest of the avatar' and 'the false prophet'.. but if you like the classics try out 'black gate' and 'exodus' and the other oldies..

  • #8 is the original nes game shadowgate.. the one that turned me into an rpg junkie in the first place all those years ago.. hunched over my controller in the dark in my camper in the middle of the night.. still a classic...

  • #9 is final fantasy, but i'm an old time gamer, so i mean the original final fantasy games on nes/snes like 1, 2, 3 + mystic quest.. still the best even without the graphics of the newer games...

  • #10 is lemony snickett's series of unfortunate events.. ok, so this game is not terribly hard..
    (i was able to complete it even while fairly intoxicated..) it is still creative and fun if you enjoyed the movie, which i did...

  • i needed a #11 on my list for all the honorable mentions.. unforgettable games like wizardry, king arthur's world, tombs & treasures, deja vu, faxanadu, the immortal, breath of fire and the dragon warrior games.. also baldur's gate, the ren & stimpy games that wrecked my nerves, zombies ate my neighbors, fester's quest, maniac mansion!!! ...gasp... too many to remember... aargghh! all those years spent in the dark deep in some labyrinth scribbling cryptic notes and maps.. is that what is was that made me mad? or did they save me from madness...? the world may never know.. (p.s. i never made it without biting..)

  • !X! a bonus: i absolutely approve of the gamecube's eternal darkness: sanity's requiem.. lovecraftian & hallucinogenic.. i dare you!

  • the post-apocalyptic fallout games, F3, new vegas & F4 coming soon!

  • dante's inferno ~ go to hell!

  • gothic victorian lovecraftian bloodshed :D bloodborne!

  • i highly approve of the other from software games besides bloodborne, demon's souls & dark souls 1, 2 & 3.. not for the faint of heart, gotta get good for these!
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..


  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    NEW ELDER SCROLLS!!
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..
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« into our darkest hour.. | Main | rows of never opened doors »

January 01, 2019

2019

Diabolical selfies contnued

here's another diabolical selfie to update..
(mr dad says toxic made this same face in our old home movies..lol)

my first glimpse of 2019 was of the crescent moon & venus out my bedroom window.. we haven't had any snow here yet in portland, but the mountain is gorgeous & white & now we are surrounded by freezing fog, everything's covered in frost, so i'm hopeful ~
new year's day moon

we're getting alot done on innsmouth house & i'm still painting my acrylic abstracts despite freezing hands..

my only resolution is to try to worry less this year.. lol

lyrics of the day:

all the holes at once are coming alive
set free, out of sight & out of mind
they're lonely and they're prey
the one you light your fires to keep away
is crawling out upon its belly
and all you have to do is say  yes..
all the birds stay up in the trees
all the fish swim down to the deep
they're lonely and they're prey
i am here
come to me before it's too late
the one you light your fires to keep away
is crawling out upon its belly
all you have to do is say   yes.

rorschach

bren/ghost

09:31 AM in adult insecure attachment, art, attachment disorder, Books, Current Affairs, death & dying, Film, Food and Drink, Games, Music, psychology, psychotherapy, Religion, Science, Television, Travel, Web/Tech, Weblogs |

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ghost

i think i'll just sit here & watch the world turn..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerywatchtheworldturn.html (sound up!)

such a windy rainy night we had last night, kept waking me up from strange dreams..
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/rain.html

Posted by: ghost | January 06, 2019 at 11:48 AM

ghost

if you're happy & you know it, go away. #infj #grumpysunday #fullmoon #psychology #nightmare #ocd #depression #grumpycat
'cause i'm having a grumpy sunday. :(
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2019/01/grumpy-cat-coloring-book.html
i've been feeling that big super blood wolf moon since friday night when i woke up from a freakish ocd nightmare with a stomachache.. as an ocd type i have intense phobias surrounding the idea of ingesting anything unusual (or most foods actually..) but anyway, in the dream i suddenly felt super sick & had stomach pain & someone told me i had swallowed a memory drive. ?!? so i woke up with an irrational fear that i'd sleepwalked around & swallowed a thumbdrive or something & couldn't get myself to stop worrying about it somehow.. it's that fucking moon, i tell you, it messes with my insides & my brain. so i assume what's really happened is my pokey gi tract is just suddenly having trouble you know, digesting & stuff, like normal people's insides do, because the full moon messes with your water balance & notoriously causes some kind of flare-up or inflammation/angioedema or something with me. i hate it. so i've been very grumpy & living on liquids & ice cream out of anxiety. i get such weird symptoms & worry i won't be able to breathe, maybe the cardiomyopathy is involved. who knows? i don't trust drs anymore so i suffer & grumble in silence (& here in my isolation where i haunt the internets..)
just my latest in a string of nightmares.

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/things_behind_the_sun/this-is-us.html

p.s. the significance of swallowing sick painful memories did not elude me..

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/super-blood-wolf-moon.html

Posted by: ghost | January 20, 2019 at 10:44 AM

ghost

my sister is only a number. #death #dying #deathwithdignity #mentalillness #schizophrenia #memorial

we only need one more dr signature on my sister's DNR (it takes one psychiatrist & 3 drs) but they're all too worried about being sued.. & i'm sure my unrecognizably skinny bent braindead mentally ill sister is also an easy source of income for the facility she's been in down in LA for these last long 4 YEARS.
but my other sister is fighting for her & should not be underestimated. i've tried to help in my way, but i'm only a useless ghost.

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/why%20is%20kitty%20sad.png

memorial here:
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/snowballinhell/2014/12/thoughts-on-adult-insecure-attachment.html?cid=6a00d834525fe869e201b8d0bb9ae2970c#comment-6a00d834525fe869e201b8d0bb9ae2970c

no snow here for us..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/blueroses.png

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/ghosthead.png

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/wild.png

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/losthollow%20rejects.png

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/losthollow%20reject.png

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/bluebirdofhappiness.png

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/losthollowreject.png

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/things_behind_the_sun/bride-of-quiet-bride-of-hell.html

Posted by: ghost | January 29, 2019 at 03:02 PM

ghost

it's snowing.. #infj #ghost #gallery #art #expressionism #innerchild #isolophilia #psychology #radiohead

rows of never opened doors ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/secret_gallery_3_main.html

p.s. thom yorke is my muse..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerymoonissmiling.html (sound up)

hey! i'm a toxic moon butterfly ;)
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendlyghoststuff/dark-souls-2-moon-butterfly.html

oh and.. https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/ghost_toy_catalogue/freddy-k-sockitty-3.html

Posted by: ghost | February 04, 2019 at 02:02 PM

ghost

i couldn't see the super snow moon because of the clouds.. #supersnowmoon #infj #moon #insomnia #art #ghostgallery #elliottsmith
i couldn't sleep either..

this is pretend (sound up) ~
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerythisispretend.html

update: the bone moon ~ https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/the-bone-moon-x.html

Posted by: ghost | February 19, 2019 at 06:54 AM

ghost

still snowing.. #infj #snow #pdx #portland #art #depression #painting #cats #booknerd #retro #toys #noboringsocks https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/winter-2019.html
last night some bunnies were running around chasing each other in our neighbor's backyard, i watched them from my bedroom window, wondering if one of them might be our bunny that used to live in our frontyard hedge? i was worried about him, haven't seen him since the tree got cut down out there :( i hope that's him out there having fun in the night snow with his friend :)
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/our-bunny-x.html

still painting.. but dealing with heavy duty depression these days.. cool retro treasures & old books are a comfort.. & of course, snug, she's a professional..
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2019/02/no-boring-socks.html
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2019/02/music-millenium.html
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/pdx-2019.html
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/snug-winter-morning.html

Posted by: ghost | February 26, 2019 at 10:33 AM

ghost

these are my twisted words.. #infj #art #ghostgallery #abstract #expressionism #depression #insomnia #moon #psychology #artist #painting

ruminatorium (sound up) ~
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgalleryruminatorium.html

it's still snowing..

Posted by: ghost | March 06, 2019 at 10:06 AM

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cat girl

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Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
Aroundthebend
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

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little friends..

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back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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Ghost
lost hollow digital art album ~
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