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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
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2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
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family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
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toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
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art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« darker places | Main | 2019 »

November 14, 2018


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by the way..



last night i had a long drawn out bad dream that i was lost.. i had followed mr dad in one car as he drove ahead in his car through city streets, but he got too far ahead & i lost sight of him, & after awhile i figured i'd better turn back.. i didn't know where i was & somehow now i was on foot, sometimes walking sketchy backstreets, sometimes running along muddy backroads & trails with trees & roots.. at some point there were hamsters,
i have no idea why..?
anyway, once i finally woke up from this one i laid there experiencing something i've gotten here & there over the years, these odd jarring loud noises in my brain.. people call it
exploding head syndrome..
another weird fucking symptom for my burgeoning list of ailments.
that's just great.

it's nice & cold & rainy & gets dark so early, for some reason winter is comforting to me, always has been..
mr dad & i have made progress on the mystery house, & it now has a proper name ~

i'm worried most of the time about our last 2 old lady kitties, they are almost 18 years old & have both been sick with their ongoing issues, we tend to lose kitties in the winter..
i used to say all songs were about boopy (the tabby we lost last year) & i must've been right, because i'm a bit of a basketcase when certain music plays, i think of her, of sweet frail sabrina, of miette, my fluffy daughter tabitha, & our little angel, miss pickles..

as a child i was protected by dissociation so much of the time, & i experience it as such an indescribably beautiful, cold, silent, dark place, like my old snowcave i used to talk about here..
but it disconnected me from so much, all the kitties i lost back then, any feelings i had about all the trauma of home..
alot went underground in me, & resulted in my one great weakness, which is that i can't talk about art or music, poetry or song lyrics, without crying.. i try, but it's just like such things hold all my emotions in some potent concentrated infj form.. i love christmas music, so it's the hardest for me, toxic was one of 3 high sopranos in the school choir & loved going caroling, playing carols on the piano or organ, or on guitar with cathy teaching us.. ours was a very music oriented home, my mom sang, we all played instruments, anyway, music & art are where i'm all connected, it's like a secret language.. talking about song lyrics or poetry can reduce me to bawling just like snoopy on shroeder's piano.. lol
the ave maria is my greatest challenge..

so strange i know, for someone who is typically so quiet & reserved around others, it was actually frustrating in my years of therapy to be so involuntarily disconnected around people, it's why i'm such a recluse anymore.. i'm safe alone & get to be present. it's lonely, but i love the isolation anyway. i have such a cool life & i appreciate it so much, i count my blessings every day. my only fear is that due to this my ghost gallery will be for naught, that no one else will fathom all that is there, that it will never be truly shared. over the years apple has stolen away the music so as to get you to pay for it through itunes it seems. i'm oldschool & my old laptop browser plays all the sound, it's essential as the music is integral to the art. but it just feels like it will not have mattered. you know, all my work lost & for naught..

this is too hard for me to bear, but the way it's always been..
it is truly a ghost gallery ~

i hope we get snow soon..


painting again despite the cold, or maybe because of it?..
eremocene ~
(sound up! raven chose the perfect music for this one..)

i'm still experiencing ehs.. :o

oh yeah & this:


meet rags..
(sound up!)

out & about ~

have a holly jolly xmas ~


so we had a rough xmas. (i guess you could call it the nightmare after xmas?)
if you've ever seen those freaky victorian xmas cards where the holiday food comes to life & tries to kill everyone, it was a little like that.
i've talked before about my eating issues, unfortunately i passed on my toxic dna to raven (my son.) long story short, he gets gastric reflux so bad that he can't eat thanksgiving dinner no matter how many times he's tried, so for xmas we thought we'd try a beef roast, but honestly we are priced out of most beef these days.. so we bought the only one affordable & small enough for just the guys.. (since i haven't eaten beef or most meat in 20 years)
anyway, it was the roast from hell!
i think i'm usually a good cook, but this thing couldn't be saved, it was just dry & sad, & i tried to stop him from trying it because our issue is 'chokey foods' like meat & bread.
but he was very hungry & it smelled really good, mr dad was eating it..
well, a few bites & it got stuck in his upper gi tract & triggered a long episode of being unable to even get water down, he just chokes everything up, it's awful & part of why he's a hermit like me.
it usually clears, but by the next day he was still unable to get water down & we had to get him into urgent care..
a steroid injection finally calmed hemorrhaging in his throat & esophogeal inflammation & helped him be able to eat some soft ice-cream yesterday (soft ice cream is the base of my food pyramid.)
meanwhile i was having one of my nervous breakdowns thinking i've killed my son, emotionally exhausted like i've never felt before, fearing for his future, you know..
my journal pages tell it all ~
according to mr dad it seems at least the gravy was delicious. & backyard kitties loved the leftovers..

raven's so like me. that's good & bad, the ocd & social avoidance, deep thinking & iron willed, he's college educated & faster than google for information on nearly everything.
my greatest artistic supporter, he chose the music for my latest eremocene album ~ (sound up)

anyway, since his eidetic rpg lore knowledge & game skills are what he loves most we've managed to get him all set up with the high tech gaming computer setup he needs to do youtube gaming,
he'll be making his debut soon playing (of course) Bloodborne (my personal favorite of all..) so watch his channel here for updates ~ raven youtube channel
they say he's so good that even his mom is good ;)

meanwhile you can check out my ghost pix album with my own screenshots & custom gamer mix here ~ ghost pix (sound up! note: the love songs included here are all for my sweet kitties ;)

i only thank god i didn't pass along some of my other toxic dna..
(in a few days it will be 4 years of cathy lying there undead.)

oh, p.s. after first being dx'd with pharyngeal edema way back in the day, my dr took off to help people in rwanda, leaving me with the first of many hmo drs who simply called my problem 'anxiety' & tranquilized me.. for years.. & years.
surprise, it never helped.


Some scare! I’m glad it passed. I do love.that ice cream is the foundation of your food pyramid. I wish you guys all the best in the coming year.


the long lost emma haunting the ghost blog :)
you too..

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cat girl

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the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
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