darker places

it's terrifying when you find yourself looking at life through the dark slant of depression, where everything seems to signal to you that you can only make your escape to end your distress.
as someone who has dealt with depression & suicidal ideation all my life i can still get pulled aside by its lies even after all this time. my weakness is when i am sick or not doing well with pain management, or both of these things simultaneously like this last week.

you add up all your challenges & see no bright future ahead, so it has a horrible seeming logic to it.

but what is left out of the equation are all the random things that happen in life that make you glad you are here, once you've made the leap of faith & find you're on the other side of another of life's black puddles i have learned to not look back.

whatever is distorting your experience Will eventually shift back to appreciation, no matter how long it takes you must trust the bigger picture, it is there even when you aren't seeing it.

i'm not being naive or underestimating the seriousness of depression or candy coating anything, i've spent years in the blackest of holes i assure you.

but one morning you wake up and feel glad you're in your own room, you'll see the snow out your window & smile, kitties will meow goodmorning to you & want love, good people will make kind gestures that restore your faith to go forward..
and in my case stupid funny things might even be what start to laugh you back to life.. (well, laughing/coughing/laughing almost passing out.. i'm just starting to recover, just posting at my blogs has felt like a valiant effort for me today)

mr dad has been very sweet & helped me, making me half a grilled cheese sandwich (on the second try) that saved my life..
my son has been chattering politics, which is music to my ears because it means he is getting well & back to normal..

over this winter's illnesses at one point mr dad was trying to make a bill payment over the phone using a voice activated system while his chest cold was affecting his vocal chords. they charge you $10 if an actual person has to talk to you, & mr dad won't give them the satisfaction, but his voice was so low saying 'yes' & 'no' that the system couldn't recognize what he was saying, so after several failed tries he panicked & attempted some high-pitched answers, which then caused him to realize i could probably hear this from the other room & wonder just what the Hell is going on?
hearing him tell this story was priceless, i haven't laughed so hard in a long time..

& this old scene from the mighty boosh always cracks my son up so bad that i consider it a gem..

my challenges still feel great & my body is weak, but my will is strong as always, so i'm back in the fight.

i may always feel like a ghost, but i'm not giving it up yet,

bren

Comments

[ghost]

god, i just feel so beat up, it's one week now of this virus & migraine & i've come full circle back to wanting to die..
what did i do in my past lives to deserve such brutal punishment?
i figure i've lost about 5 lbs due to the nausea & inability to eat.
the nausea goes with the migraine.
the migraine is the beast.

once the coughing began i deteriorated again, i swear it feels like a concussion, a concussive migraine?
i'm in a belljar.
like my brain & face & teeth, eardrums, everything is killing me. acetaminophen doesn't touch it sometimes, & that's what i'm left with due to all my other health issues.

my abs ache ridiculously (yes i do have them) from my nightly coughing/ab crunch workout, my entire body is so weak, my voice shakes.. god damned virus.
i'm useless & had to call mr dad to bring work home before i perish here alone.

i'll survive the virus.
(i will end you, motherfucker.)
but it's my old nemesis migraine that may end me.

the migraine is the beast.

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/l-1.html

[ghost]

well, i'm still weak & coughing, but i think i shall yet live..
the worm moon tried to steal my mind away..

today i earned platinum on darksouls3, so at least i'm still badass on the inside?

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bf9KFpTDdnm/?taken-by=ghostatthegate

actually the look is not too far off..

[ghost]

once again our plans are suddenly ruined by a migraine that was triggered by this fucking virus from hell that is still in my head & lungs.. i think?
i say this because i just happened to be deep into layers of fear when it all hit me yesterday, a very disturbing & psychologically disorienting horror game, when i started to feel sick & awful i had to wonder if it was the game?

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendlyghoststuff/layers-of-fear-1.html

but i'm still trying to get over the plague after, 18 days now? i'm still hoping we'll get out tomorrow, i can't hike, but we can drive & photo, fingers x'd..

what i've learned is that anymore my migraines often precipitate a dysphoric drop that i have to really watch out for, the bad kind of akathisic depression like i experienced way back in the black hole of 1995 on the drug metaclopramide..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/the-akathisia-black-hole-that-was-1995-all-brought-to-you-by-the-evil-stomach-drug-reglan.html

ok, so i swear to god, a freakish teeny tiny little worm/grub thing just crawled onto my laptop screen & i lost it trying to squash it with a napkin :o wtf! wtf is that? this pushes my ocd buttons like nothing else.. i Hate Spring.

i try my best to think of good things, today i posted at my lost & found toy blog about my grandma's lost dolls, as it is her birthday today ~

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2018/03/kewpie-doll.html

& when i can't cope i crank all this pain & suffering into my dark arts at the ghost gallery quarantine hallway, knowing no one will ever fathom me, cold comfort, huh?

[ghost]

nope.
morning migraine + clocks forward = pulled the covers over my head just before getting turned into a pile of ash.
sunlight, it Burns Us!!

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/things_behind_the_sun/grandma-ruby.html

marathon migraine like the old days, the reason i made the ghost blog black, couldn't stand the bright..

staying in. mr dad & i are going to watch our new roger waters: the wall bluray.. my old obsession evolved, one of my favorite moments/memories in life was once when my son was around 12 years old i was playing my guitar at home, began strumming vera lynn, & he looked over & started singing the words, we sang it together while i played the chords.. *cries* now that is my dna.

also i saw our first ants & we had to turn off the house fan in the night because a skunk was obviously around :( they live under our neighbor's abandoned above ground pool..
i am not a spring person.

help me kill my time,
'cause i'll never be fine..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/things_behind_the_sun/rotten.html

[ghost]

worried about the marathon migraine i've had basically for weeks, googled it, something i try to never do, it's called persistent daily headache & they think it's triggered by a virulent virus.. yeah, no kidding! :( usually goes away in weeks/months, but some poor souls have it for years??
well fuck.
ok, so it's let up enough that i went out carefully to run errands, in my loose clothing from weight i've apparently lost, yikes. doing ok, saw a rainbow for st pat's day :)

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/st-pats-day-rainbow.html

i'd hit the toys'r'us going out of business, but all i'm aware of now is virus & flu germs everywhere, especially where there are children :(
with all my health stuff, ocd, agoraphobia & now these plague migraines, i go out of my way to avoid any/all human contact possible these days, but i'm still here haunting the internet..

p.s. toxic's happy because she won the gumby goldrush game 2x on the gumby's world app, she thinks it's her irish luck & is sure the prize will be stickers, will post at the lost & found when it comes..

[ghost]

SticKers!! http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2018/03/gumby-stickers.html

ok so it's more than a month & daniel & i are still trying to fully clear our lungs of the evil virus, which i now think was the flu afterall, maybe because we were taking acetaminophen & ibuprofen it masked/managed any fever so we only felt chills & aches? mr dad, who got the flu shot, fared better, recovered much quicker, so dan & i are resigned to drag our avoidant mistrustful selves in for flu shots next year. i'm still getting weird head aches after possibly my longest migraine on record, hope my brain is intact, or at least as complete as it was before? i'm not as weak & depressed, & i've gained back a lb, so i must be getting better, although we're still staying home alot, mr dad & i catching up on our extensive ancestry info.. i love genealogy, my family tree album has new (very old) pix ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/my%20familiy%20tree.html

many years ago the jungian psychologist i used to see, dr steve, gave me personality/temperament tests & determined i am what is called INFJ, i read a book on the subject at the time, but have been finding other infjs & material online recently that renewed my interest in the subject. no wonder i am such a reclusive eccentric in my own world, i'm classic. i've realized i look forward to things i'm going to think about the way others look forward to food/a meal that they are going to enjoy.. lols
my son's infp & so one of the only other humans i really relate with, we have incredibly in-depth long conversations about the nature of everything.. he is my future, i only wish i could help him have a brighter one, that is truly my hope.. along with all these other brave young people, that they take back this world from the brink of ruin..

p.s. spring/summer, should just be called spider season.

[ghost]

switching on a light

i am in love with 2 songs. both are of course, sung by thom yorke..

present tense

this dance
this dance
is like a weapon
is like a weapon
of self defense
self defense
against the present
against the present
the present tense
i won't get heavy
don't get heavy
keep it light &
keep it moving
i am doing
no harm
as my world
comes crashing down
i'll be dancing
freaking out
deaf, dumb, & blind
in you i'm lost
in you i'm lost
i won't turn 'round or the penny drops
i won't stop now
won't slack off
or all this love
will be in vain
stop from falling
down a mine
it's no one's business but mine
or all this love
has been in vain
in you i'm lost
in you i'm lost
in you i'm lost
in you i'm lost

&

desert island disk

now as i go upon my way
so let me go upon my way
born of a light
born of a light
the wind rushing 'round my open heart
an open ravine
in the spirit white
totally alive
in the spirit light
through an open doorway
across a street
to another life
& catching my reflection in a window
switching on a light
one i didn’t know
totally alive
totally released
waking, waking up from shutdown
from a thousand years of sleep
yeah you, you know what i mean
you know what i mean?
you know what i mean
standing at the edge of you
you know what i mean
you know what i mean
you know what i mean..
different types of love
different types of love
different types of love
are possible
are possible
are possible
are possible..

we took another long drive yesterday, down through oregon city & on to salem, to cemeteries for more photos to add to my cemeteria album.
& more incredible trees for my january trees album ~

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/january_trees/womantree.html

the day started off rocky ~

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/warning.html

married to someone with a.d.d. for 30+ years now, i understand mr dad's limitations & forgetfulness, & as someone who desires harmony in my relationships i try to show him all the patience i can..
but he affords me very little if any back, which is very hard. my ocd makes it tough enough to live with mistakes, even small ones. i live in fear of them. miscommunication is hallmark with attention deficit disorder, reactivity
& arguments come so easily as mr dad has a time limit for any given subject of conversation, combined with low frustration tolerance & the projection that comes from his own lifetime of
making mistakes.. i am always trying to get along & usually we're fine. but venturing out after my long illness, still carrying this worrisome neverending headache, felt treacherous..
& speaking of song lyrics, remember that old song 'a.d.d. & o.c.d. live together in perfect harmony..'? NOT.
marriage in these circumstances can feel like dog years, which is why i figure i am really about 399 years old.

anyway, i'm not someone who trusts, & with all my health issues just walking amongst humanity, washing my hands & trying to eat away from home are all anxiety triggers that become a tragic comedy all their own..
finally getting out there into the trees just about makes me cry. is it the pink moon's effect? in my older age i feel fragile to the point of ridiculousness,
it's kinda pitiful.
& nature is my detox for the soul. those trees & hidden creatures we spy on save me. that & my music, yeah i won't go anywhere very far without radiohead there to comfort me.
now i get it that my isolofilia is due to being infj, but living so socially isolated as someone long affected by self-esteem issues & dissociation is a serious challenge.
i've come far, i know, i have a self-destruction problem that was nearly the death of me that still lurks.
now if/when the bad self-talk shows up i see it as a red flag to try to take better care of myself instead.
but i'm someone who treads lightly into this strange new ground called self love..
as we were driving past a sign marking the halfway point between the north pole & the equator i was listening to the words thom was singing, & feeling a bit encouraged..

[ghost]

i think the eternal headache has gone?
btw interesting conversation in the comments of late at this blog:
http://howtherapyworks.com/
especially relevant to those with attachment issues..

p.s. to see what remains of our old psychconnection forum look left in the sidebar for the link..

p.p.s. hell is just a change of scenery..

[ghost]

now at the verrry end of the ghost gallery quarantine area: curiosities ~
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/curiosities.html

i just love tiny vintage treasures.. use an old laptop or non-apple device with firefox or google chrome to hear the soundtrack, which features toxic,
ghost & various family members & ancient sound bytes..

well i bashed my left kneecap, on apparently the door of death, just trying to get a bottle of water, so i'm relegated to my chair, helpless & squashed with kitties, the stairway being nearly impossible for me today.. i'm a danger to myself in my old age. w.e.i.n.

[ghost]

another drive, south this time to the albany carousel museum where i was surprised to discover an Emu! ~

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/albany-carousel-2.html

then on to more covered bridges & cemeteries, including the brownsville pioneer cemetery, which is one of the coolest ones i've visited, & i've been to just about every one within a hundred miles.. eliza, the last of the calapooias has such an interesting story ~

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/haunts/brownsville-cemetery.html

as with all my albums, if you want the music mix tracks just access them from my gallery page here ~

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/my%20photo%20album.html

we discovered a baby bunny in our garage yesterday, probably scared into there by mr dad mowing the lawn, but it escaped into a nearby hedge.. our kitties have their beloved sunshine in their window nests & baby bunnies are about, yeah it's spring! not my favorite time of year as spiders seem to come out from everywhere.. but if it makes the kitties happy.. & the friends of the library book sale is coming up, yay! wonder if my pumpkin vines will come back? oh, good news! the willow tree we lost to the east winds last year, i made the guys tip & brace it back into position, i didn't want to give up on it yet, & sure enough, it lives! it's covered in little green signs of life..

[ghost]

snug is my therapy cat, since i am challenged at self-soothing..
she curls up nearly upside-down on my lap snoring cute kitty sounds & acting as an alpha wave generator..
thank goodness i still have her here..

i'm missing my sweet kitties today..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/kitty_heaven_is_our_heave/goodkitties.html

now this song makes me cry.. (so many songs were really about boopy)

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/kitty_heaven_is_our_heave/the-thoughts-of-boopy-lou.html

did i mention i think i have scurvy?

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/scurvy.html

[ghost]

at times i can't handle this ghost life.. http://www.brensgumbyland.com/x.html

but at least i've reached my 10 years no si anniversary..

[ghost]

treasure hunting, radiohead & world domination..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/world-domination.html

[ghost]

i've been painting a bunch of abstracts with acrylics & compiling an album i call 'sleepers' (sound up) ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/sleepers.html
more to come because this project just keeps growing & changing..

also:
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/things_behind_the_sun/bigpicture.html

& i went one full month without migraine, the longest on record in my memory :) i could get used to this..

[ghost]

yeah, i am a vampire.
i've known it for a long long time, but it's never been so evident as right now.
i lived for years with my porphyric hemophilia in oblivion ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostpix.html
long before it was fashionable, & i continued the lifestyle in all my rpgs right from the beginning..
i spawned a vampire son, whose heat allergy & love of the dark made him in my own image, a daysleeper with his pale skin & long dark hair & fingernails ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghost%20house.html
my reverse s.a.d. summer depression, pernicious anemia & health issues, among my other obsessions & proclivities..
there's no going back if i cared to, right now i'm dealing with maddening PMLE to the point that i can't venture into sunlight if i wanted to. it Burns us!! right through clothes & windows. i positively braised myself even on a rainy day. now i'm basically housebound until fall, except for grocery runs at night, i literally can't go outside.
but i'm fine with that. i prefer it actually..
deny summer.
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/shockboxdetail.htm

[ghost]

happy birthday mr dad ~
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/my%20stars.html
btw, so if turning 40 is over the hill, what is 60.. everest?

[ghost]

these alice screenshots remind me of my own therapy days ~ http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendlyghoststuff/american-mcgees-alice-madness-returns-therapy-sessions-1.html
american mcgee's alice madness returns is my favorite game of all & i'll be posting about it again tomorrow at the lost & found because today i finished the nightmare difficulty playthrough & finally got the very last achievements, with my sweet cheshire cat beside me all the way..
i'll never forget the time i tweeted our pic to mr mcgee & got a meow back! ;)
https://twitter.com/GhostAtTheGate/status/746766540633047041

[ghost]

my latest acrylic abstractions ~ lepidopterarium ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/lepidopterarium.html

so i'm venturing outside today with just so much to do, fortunately here in the pacific nw it is cloudy & not as hot as the rest of the country, but i have to be careful nonetheless.. mr dad wants to take me out to lunch & the promise of a chocolate milkshake has sealed the deal, offered in part because it seems my weight has dropped back below 125 without my really noticing due to my ongoing difficulty eating..
much lower & it becomes a sickness all of its own.. this has just been my ridiculous challenge in life, & although i accept that eating disorder dx that still follows me to this day, i also must insist that there is some kind of physical reason making it difficult to both eat & breathe, & sadly my son inherited the same problem.. it started at the same age & is the reason he no longer goes out to eat ever, his 'chokey' foods.. he doesn't panic over it though, just forces through it, even when it causes him to gag up food into the sink, even water at times! he manages it with allergy meds & careful eating & won't consult a dr either (surprise, he doesn't trust them.) anyway, here i go, i may end up a pile of ash..

hopefully i'll survive so mr dad & i can get more work done on the mystery house ~ http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/mystery-house.html

oh! almost forgot, a dream has inspired me what to do as my next creative project, if you ever saw my doll workshop album from one halloween past ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/workshop.html
then you know i have all those vintage dolly parts & pieces? well, my madness returns playthrough gave me an idea that i'd like to start sewing together a dolly freakshow of sorts :D afterall i still sew sockitties the way my great grandma barbre used to ~ http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/sockitty.html
i'm not a great seamstress but i don't think it'll matter.. ;)

later: ok, so i survived, but just barely, at first we had wonderful cloud cover, but then the evil sun burned it all away & the shakemaker was broken! i'm not kidding, i sometimes think god is punishing me. but i got a good prize with my lunch & found some cool vintage treasure along the way home anyway..
(if i don't get a toy, i don't eat.)
putting my new hoodie to the test? ~ http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/lesser-known-vampires-of-the-pacnw.html
as careful as i was, i did get pmle on the backs of my hands :(

[ghost]

am i going insane? http://www.brensgumbyland.com/outside%20in.html (sound up!)

[ghost]

ok so i know it'll come as a surprise to anyone who might be reading this here, but i think i've truly veered way into eccentricville of late, unable to venture into sunlight or around other humans & all..
i've been doing lots of painting though, acrylic abstracts of the psychedelic variety, realized today i have paint in my hair. but hey i grew up to be a real starving artist afterall!
& so today mr dad took me out to lunch for another try (the shake machine worked!) but first we hit today's pdx estates sale out in newberg that i've been scoping out on insta..
(we're regulars)
it seemed worth risking my lily white skin over, so i went ~

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/vampira.html

:D So glad i did, as the pix show, major vintage treasure to be found around these parts..
(& along the way home i tried using mr dad's magic 8 ball app on his phone, lol see pic)
back home now into my lovely cool dark lair, now i watch my skin for the maddening pmle rash & hope for the best.. i tried to stand in mr dad's shadow in line for the sale, & we were lucky enough to be beneath a nice big maple tree.. my eyes hurt like they're burned, but i get that often, it's why i am no longer the bookworm toxic was..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/magic-8-ball.html

[ghost]

happy FridayThe13th http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2018/07/happy-friday-the-13th.html

[ghost]

here's a sneak peek at the dolly freakshow i'm working on, hope to finish it for halloween ~ http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/freakshow-dollies.html
would you play spider with me?

[ghost]

up in the middle of the night trying to photo the crescent moon, venus, jupiter & mercury..
here are clouds over mars http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/clouds-of-mars.html
will try again tonight..
i've been feeling like going radio silent.
once before i plunged this blog into a long dark night, several years actually, before i exhumed it again.. are there special counselors just for infjs? because i think i need one..
just like in the painted world of my dark souls games, i've created my own gallery to contain all my nightmares & demons, but then i feel the pull to dig out a snowcave there & go into long hibernation.

[ghost]

down the rabbit hole (sound up!) http://www.brensgumbyland.com/down%20the%20rabbit%20hole.html

[ghost]

rots
(sound up)
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/rots.html
p.s. lost more weight, the milkshakes aren't working..

[ghost]

worried about my frail skinny old lady kitties..
still painting ~ psychograms
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/psychograms.html
sound up!

[ghost]

my birthday present finally came: http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2018/08/sad-ghost-club.html
& we took some nice moon shots late last night since i haven't been able to sleep anyway with the blood moon affecting my brain: http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/blood-moon-eclipse-rising.html
so, i think i was a sad ghost first, btw.. all these years here at the ghost blog & all my ghost artwork..
my mom actually remembered & sent me a birthday card :)

[ghost]

i stay in the shadows..

i walk a fine line in my isolation, with madness on either side..

so yesterday i risked sun allergy & went out treasure hunting with mr dad, in my protective hoodie of course, to check out estate sales & sale signs & run errands.. well, i am so glad i did, right off i found some vintage gumby bendys, which i always consider a good sign, & as i was counting out some quarters to buy them the older ladies there began talking gumby, so i had to mention gumbyland :) they seemed very happy to have their gumbys coming home to my house.. then i ended up in a long conversation with a local artist who had some of his acrylic abstracts out, yeah, that was me, socializing, go figure.. lols
so i found incredible halloween goodies for cheap, thought i might be dreaming, leaving one house the lady there bid me 'happy halloween' & it just doesn't get much better than that, does it?
fuck off, heat wave! halloween is here. treasure pix here in my ghost toy catalogue ~ http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/ghost_toy_catalogue/gumby-pokey-figures.html

i took pix with mr dad's phone as we ran errands too ~ http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/people-must-wonder-about-us.html
i made a mouse-friend..

it all resulted with some pmle rash on my arms & hands, some anxiety & a migraine, but not a bad one.. a test? we want to be able to drive out & photo mt jefferson once we get fall color, & that'll be a full day..
i think i'll make it :)

[ghost]

so fucking depressed.

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/unknowns.html

[ghost]

summer is over.
it's just early halloween..
(raven has seconded that so you can take it as official.)

things behind the sun:
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/things_behind_the_sun/breakthrough.html

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/dolly-freakshow-preview-peek.html

[ghost]

i won't turn 'round or the penny drops
won't stop now
won't slack off
or all this love
will be in vain
stop from falling down a mine
it's no one's business
but mine..
or all this love
has been in vain
..in you i'm lost
in you i'm lost..

https://twitter.com/GhostAtTheGate/status/1033397100610899968

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/raven-moon.html

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/ghost_toy_catalogue/ghost-gallery-abstracts.html

back to my baseline existential drought.

[ghost]

and so it begins..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/halloween-18.html

[ghost]

ok, so i can't take the #shitcircus much longer, please let sense & reason make a comeback soon.. #RESIST before bozo presses the shiny red button & brings on the apocalypse.. (no offense to the real bozo the clown..)

& speaking of circus folk, my freakshow dollies are all done & ready for the show :D now all i need to do is paint the banner & start photographing, hopefully i can get this installation all complete by early october, i can't wait all the way till halloween for this one (toxic inner child impatience..) but, well, there's an issue with that, because i managed to injure myself yesterday just going about household tasks & now i am going around pitifully carrying my broken wing cussing & complaining like an oversized raven.. i fucked up my shoulder good, the Right one, of course, because i'm right-handed, so i'm using my idiotic left hand for everything, which may spell even further injury.. apparently sleeping is the most painful thing, trying to get into a tolerable position & hold still..
but i can still type & win gumby's world prizes, apparently.. & at least all this ridiculous drama occurred After we had a nice labor day weekend, which included hiking & photographing at the coast.. my new hat passed the test & protected me from sun allergy, & i made an album of our adventure & all the cool trees i encountered along our trails to the sea here ~

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/trails%20to%20the%20sea.html
(sound up!)

snug & rose are both sick right now with different things, & mr dad is short on patience at the moment, working 2 positions as his company transitions from one location to another, so i'm feeling myself go into an early hibernative mode, digging out my mental snowcave preparing for the worst.. dipping below my usual baseline existential drought at the moment..
i pre-ordered thom's new suspirium soundtrack, wish it were here now to comfort me in my time of need.. until halloween there's only this one beautiful piece ~

https://twitter.com/GhostAtTheGate/status/1037378443027968000

:(
h e l p . .

..later, after my first listenings:

this is a waltz thinking about our bodies
what they mean for our salvation
the little clothes that we stand up in
just the ground on which we stand
is the darkness ours to take?
bathed in lightness
bathed in heat
all is well
as long as we keep spinning
here & now
dancing behind a wall
when the old songs & laughter within
are forgiven
always have never been true
& when i arrive
will you come & find me?
or in a crowd
be one of them
while the walls are
back inside her
no tomorrows
at peace..

[ghost]

it's 13 days till october, halloween month!
i hope this makes someone smile..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/dolly%20freakshow.html

toxic couldn't wait.. ;)
(use a laptop or pc with sound up!)

[ghost]

anyone reading this, please include my special kitty snug in your prayers & paw circles..
at the vet's yesterday we found out that she now has a significant heart murmur due to long-term use of a steroid rx to treat her nasal polyp condition, it could push her to having a heart attack. now we truly share hearts as i deal with cardiomyopathy myself. i will have to try to administer children's nasacort drops into her to treat her more specifically as we taper her off the steroids, which is a daunting endeavor, as you can imagine.. i hope she'll forgive me for trying. she forgives me each time i have to take her to the vet for shots, but this will be a test for sure. she & rose are both experiencing illness right now & rose & dan are just as bonded as snug & i are, after 17 years together.. they are the last of our original family of 7 kitties & this is really causing me trouble, the stress of just getting to & through the vet's appt with all the worry & fear i've had triggered a severe migraine for me right off, & reminded me just how very agoraphobic i still am to have such trouble leading up to & following after real 3d human interaction :( it's hard because i am friendly & try to be as functional as i can, but the difficulty i go through sometimes makes me question my own mental health. i always feel like going into hiding or hibernation somehow, even praying to god asking him if he'll please take me to kitty heaven in my sleep, but then i wake up & am still here as always.. everyone knows snug is my special kitty, always with me.

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/kitty_heaven_is_our_heave/

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghost%20reflections.html

[ghost]

still painting.. http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/ghost%20gallery%20abstracts.png

[ghost]

have i mentioned that my kitty snug is the best kitty in the whole world? http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/snug-vet-x.html
friday we had her to the vet again for a follow-up & she was so good, he said her heart murmur was very light, which is a huge relief.. maybe it appeared worse before the antibiotics cleared up her sinus infection? i do Not have to try to force drops or spray into her nostrils daily afterall, which disturbed her a great deal, & i feel like a huge weight is lifted from me.. i don't know what i'd be like in a world without snug, she's my soulsister, you know, my cheshire cat, my unofficial therapy cat, we calm each other.. & here's a baby picture from 17 years ago, just because.. http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/ghost_reflections/tabby-babies.html
& her 'school picture'.. http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/ghost_reflections/snugglebug.html she's a professional snugglebug.
also, her sister, rose blue, the other best kitty in the whole world, is doing better too.. http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/ghost_reflections/roseblue.html

btw, tomorrow is halloween month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we've already begun halloweening early.. (album update ~ Sound Up!)
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/halloween.html
& i have hallowwen goodness lined up for all of october at the lost & found.. :D

[ghost]

ok so i faced one of my worst phobias today ~

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/badass-bren.html

that's right, that bandaid is proof i dragged my sad self in for my very first flu shot after years of phobic avoidance!
well.. with help, i had 2 rugged bodyguards with me on either side, mr dad & my son, raven, who had also avoided the same shot until now..
(yes that's my dna, but he's much braver, i was a weenie thinking i'd die of some kind of anaphylactic allergic reaction or something..)
i've gotten away with my avoidance so long due to my reclusive status, which allowed my dr to kinda let it go, but last winter we got so sick
(top comments this post)
..for so long, triggering the mutha-of-all migraines that went on for over a month.. anyway i figured it was time.
i still have not gained back healthy weight i lost last year being so sick, so it'd be dangerous at this point for me with my other factors..
i try, but my ocd nature & this infj nervous system react involuntarily despite my executive decisions, past experiences have made me someone who doesn't really do Trust, i'm afraid, especially with drs & the like (nothing personal..) so although i have no fear of blood or needles, i freak out over new things i must ingest, or in this instance inject directly into my blood :O

they said hang around for a bit since it was a new shot for me & dan, so we spent the time looking at all the toys & halloween items as i tried to not panic & hyperventilate, i love my guys, they are the best.. i ended up with halloween socks & some candy corn which used to be toxic's favorite
(but that i haven't eaten in decades.. lol, my next goal? note to self: for halloween, eat 1 candy corn..)
having survived, i'm back home again with my perfect therapy cat, snug, on my lap keeping me calm, eating my safe food, which is chocolate-chip ice-cream.. arm a little bit sore, pain is the least of my fears, we're Well acquainted, but my theory is no muscle tone = less pain? we shall see.. little bit of a sick headache, not too bad..
my toxic child self was so dissociated that she could just sit there unphased as needles became stuck in her arm & nurses panicked, not sure why this used to happen?
hell, they could cut her hand off & she would've just watched, but now in my awake & aware present older age i dissociate less & less.. alas..
still food, med & germ phobic, but this is a good step for me.. i may not trust humans, but i have faith in spirit & thankfully that's always seen me through..
we're staying cozy bingewatching shows that have piled up on the dvr, walking dead, channel zero, ahs etc.. you know, comfort shows..

& hey, appropriately it's mad hatter day ;) 10/6..

[ghost]

i have been to octoberland!
so we started off our long saturday drive down south in estacada ~ https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/fresh-worms.html
& after following the clackamas, santiam & willamette rivers through the mt hood & willamette national forests nearly to mt jefferson, we soaked up so much gorgeous fall color that i devoted an entire album to it here ~
octoberland ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/octoberland.html

& with just over a week till halloween, i've also been photoing these guys ~

https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/ghost_garden_spiderwebs/

new paintings to be found all over the ghost gallery as i'm trying to wrap up artwork downstairs before it's too freezing to work down there..

looking forward to saturday which again this year is both halloween comicfest & the friends of the library book sale here in pdx :) *squeals*

but i'm not real cheerful despite it all, maybe due to that big full moon looming? but mostly the fact that typepad has switched to secure servers, changing all link addresses (https) & fucking up thousands of links between my blogs, ghost gallery & gumbyland :( maybe it's time to secure gumbyland..
but just when your ocd brain feels on top of things & all ducks are in order it seems life delivers you 5 new hairballs to untangle, you know?

See! the octoberland link up there doesn't work :(!!!
visit the ghost gallery at gumbyland & look for octoberland in the quarantine area hallway, & use a laptop or pc to get the sound, it's just so much better with the music i added..
it's endlessly frustrating to me when things don't work the way they should..

oh yeah, i'm in undead purgatory (but you probably already knew that) ~ https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendlyghoststuff/dark-souls-2-undead-purgatory.html

[ghost]

i'm in a migraine
still in the glow of aura that hit me last night at the end of maddow.. after facing my fear & getting the flu shot last month i hoped i'd fare better this season, but i'm a recluse & don't have much immunity to the germpool of humanity i suppose? i went to halloween comicfest & the fall library booksale on saturday,
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/library-sale-2018.html
which is like my xmas, & immediately started getting symptoms.. it waxed & waned & i thought it was that shot fighting off something.. there were some kids there.. i used to like children, but now i think of them as loud germs
& avoid them wherever i go.. lol
but when my voice went from my usual joni mitchell's
'it's coming on xmas
they're cutting down trees
they're putting up reindeer &
singing songs of joy & peace
i wish i had a river
i could skate away on..'
way down to cat stevens'
'miles from nowhere
guess i'll take my time
oh yeah..'

oh yeah, i am Sick.
is it a mini flu? some new opportunistic virus that spotted me out & about? well the aura caught me by surprise causing dropout in my vision & making others look picassoesque, & i couldn't understand half of what the guys were saying to me, i have to just say 'i'm sorry, i just don't know at all what you mean' & that's if my words come out correctly.. migraine aura is neurological & weird, whoever knows what strange words will come out of my mouth when i try to communicate, for a control freak that's very disconcerting & anxiety producing. i've literally spent hours before trying to focus on communicating one thought only to fail & not even remember what it was later.. so anyway, the pain slammed in & was with me all night, here this a.m. & i hope not going to be another marathon like last year's?

it's been nice & cold & rainy here in portland, we've even had some hail, & i plan on staying in my blanket nest with snug back in mr dad's spaceroom playing darksouls 2 today (again).. hey i may be a weenie in the real world, but i still one-shotted the lookingglass king yesterday..
https://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendlyghoststuff/dark-souls-2-undead-purgatory-6.html
so i will be securing gumbyland over the weekend to hopefully solve the problem of incompatibility with my blogs now that typepad has gone secure..
i've been painting so there's new art where i always tend to tuck it, toward the end of the ghost gallery quarantine area, & that's the best way to access it all anyway.. with laptop or pc you can even hear the new suspirium track along with my midwinter album there:
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/midwinter.html
i'm not a happy ghost today..
p.s. at least the guys are fine..