dark places

i figure it's probably time to change my avatar since it's been well over a decade..
(i'm still a ghost..)

we tried to get out & about today to some vintage toy & collectible shops since the sun finally came out.. it has been the longest winter ever for me, & having lost my little tabitha just days ago after a nightmare period of illness, i needed some kind of distraction to get my mind out of the dark places it's been going to. she was 17 years old & had lived for many years with IBD on meds with around the clock care for the last 2, but at the end i was tortured trying to get my OCD mind to make the necessary decisions for her care, i second-guess & doubt myself so much.. i know i will have to live with it & i have traumatic 'kitty issues' from childhood.. toxic had her own kitty graveyard for all her little companions that got killed right & left..

more than i can count.. it left us broken.

still no change with my sister..

maybe i'm finally losing my tired mind..

ghost

Comments

[ghost]

feeling sorry for my pitiful self today as i've been going back & forth & back & forth over wanting to go to the cool Grimm estate/prop sale here in pdx ~ https://twitter.com/GhostAtTheGate/status/841025233238732801

but being too agoraphobic to attend. it's a big event with lots of people & i'm feeling intimidated & can't do it, but it pains me.. we're all big fans from the beginning & several scenes have been filmed at mr dad's shop (see here in my pdx album) ~ http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/grimm-shoot-x.html

anyway, mr dad says he'll go & look for us :D so i'm here hoping there's something left? a mortar & pestle from the spice shop? skeletal remains? hell, a dead rat prop & i'd be happy..

i haven't been right since we lost tabitha. at first i was so distraught i thought i was losing my mind, then after i was able to sleep for a night or two i felt better, the emotional exhaustion was gone & i still felt like tabitha was here with me, like i was carrying her inside me? then i had to torture my ocd self going over the details of her illness & last days & symptoms, second-guessing my every decision until i was sure it was my fault, my mistake somehow, that caused her to suffer. (it wasn't, i know now.) but then my grief just shut off mysteriously. i don't understand that. it's like i disconnected the way i (toxic) had to years ago with all the kitties suffering & dying all around her. so now i question just what is going on with me..

also i tweeted this link recently to a psych central article on CEN ~ https://twitter.com/GhostAtTheGate/status/839528074987220992

it's just me in a nutshell. (appropriately - a nut in my shell) it depressed me. i ponder these things, i ruminate too much.. i realized the way the thoughts that nobody loves me come into my head so chronically it has been a kind of joke, sorta funny, sorta not, you know? but i have to wonder how bent i must be that these thoughts even give me a small slip of comfort when i'm honest with myself, so just what the fuck is that? is it what keeps me safe? kinda? not really. but is familiar?

will update later..

so, mr dad called saying they're turning people away because there's still so many in line they won't get through before closing.. :(
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/grimm-sale.html

p.s. no comments here at the ghostblog in so long, guess this is officially where i talk to myself now.. :/

[ghost]

it will be the most Sincere pumpkin patch..
#firstdayofspring
yeah, i'm no spring person.. i live in perpetual autumn & winter w/ a kind of reverse S.A.D. but i appreciate that my pumpkins will require plenty of sunshine..
i myself get plenty of sunshine on tv..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/spring-2017.html

[ghost]

this.

https://twitter.com/BitchestheCat/status/843190268866314242

[ghost]

the killer's here.

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/bad%20blood.html

[ghost]

new mini albums down in the sidebar.. <<<
mysteria & monstrosity

[ghost]

migraine Freak w/ aura :(
it's been a long time.. thought i was over this, guess not. words don't make sense, people picassoesque, can't talk right.

[ghost]

insomniacs pondering quality of life issues in the middle of the night..
again & again & again..
not good.

mr dad finally got his eye surgery done & all's well..
i sat doodling creepy old dolls waiting for him to come out since i had to drive..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/doll%20chest.html

science days at the lost & found..

quality of life, for that matter for any of us, a slippery steep slope at times.. either everything matters
or nothing does.
*hangs on by fingernails*

p.s. i can't wait to see this: http://bit.ly/2oZ7Yxu

[ghost]

another worthy little read about #CEN #attachmentinsecurity #childhoodemotionalneglect
#psychology #mentalhealth #mentalillness
https://twitter.com/GhostAtTheGate/status/857265570948841472

crank all these points off the scale & that's what i'm up against.. decades & 10s of $Ks worth of therapy later, i have recognition & awareness to spare, but little comfort or real help.. it'll be what kills me.. slowly & painfully.
15 years ago i tried writing a book about my childhood to get it out of me (excerpts down left in sidebar ~ ghost stories..) & my gallery is like
my own world..
my hypergraphic journaling..
what self-esteem i do have i built myself.
i never wanted fixing, just understanding, but
i think i'm fucked.

[ghost]

sick again. again it triggered a splitting migraine.. mr dad's here catching up on his dr who while my meds knocked me out in my chair/nest amongst kitties..
& last night when i did sleep i dreamt i was petting tabitha, i asked her 'where've you been?' :(

[ghost]

i love @BryanCranston
i love #Wakefield
#IFC #film #bestmovie
http://bit.ly/2oZ7Yxu
@gmtwirl @dbj5480
possibly my favorite film ever.
i just watched it. twice.

[ghost]

i used to post here at the ghostblog about the old conrad aiken story 'silent snow, secret snow' which completely captured my attention when i was younger as it felt like my own secret childhood story in a way.. i only just discovered there was a 1966 b&w film that is viewable here w/ dl ~ https://archive.org/details/silent_snow_secret_snow
although i must say i prefer the night gallery version narrated by orson welles..
i've used themes from this story in my art at the gallery forever..

[ghost]

day 3 of migraine hell (i've named them like hurricanes for many years, my painful seemingly infinite alphabet rolling over & over..)
depressed. out of hope. our pollen's 4x the 'very high' category so it's dangerous out, although it doesn't take much excuse for me to avoid going out in summer anyway..
the same difficulty with eating just eternally with me, meal in & meal out.. often i resort to a rather unhealthy 'liquid or dust' diet, i call it, whatever dissolves to dust in my forever messed up insides.. the more depressed i get the more unhealthy it gets, handful of chips or chocolate chip ice-cream are my favorite easy meals..
yeah, i aint healthy.
i give up on everything today.
not that the universe will take note..

[ghost]

migraine hell has passed :) & i am having a much better a.m. but toxic is jumping straight up & down in my head, it's all i can do to stop her jumping around on the furniture right this second.. because jeff w. at papercutz who is one of our secret gumby friends has sent us an early release copy of the new gumby comic book #1 to review up at the lost & found :D !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's the best gumby comic book i've seen, & i have them all so i know, & i want to post about it on saturday when it'll get the most visibilty & traffic, but waiting may just kill me. i'm having an inner child spaz out episode for sure..
how will i make it till then?
oh, & i almost forgot, there's a new mini album/dollscape now in the gallery quarantine area ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/little%20miss%20dx.html
i chose to pair the album up with an old favorite eels tune this time, but as always, the music only plays for those with google chrome or firefox, like the rest of the gallery..
& apple steals the music too.. grrrr

UPDATE: i couldn't wait.
posted today afterall ~ http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2017/06/new-gumby-comic-book-1-collectors-item-issue.html
i was the first to review the new gumby comic book :)
jeff said everyone loved it, joe asked for a few tweaks (make it all formal & pull out the Capitol Letters.. lol) hey when joe clokey makes a request i'm very happy to cooperate :D
what more could a gumby fan want?
unfortunately migraine hell returned & made me sick too..
my nervous system reacts the same to good excitement as it does to the bad stress kind like it doesn't know the difference..
calm down now, toxic..
now my therapy kitties are helping me self-soothe..
(snug is a professional)

[ghost]

happy days have me on a high.. now when do i ever get to say that?
it all started when i got to be first to review the amazing new gumby comic book, which is posted here ~
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2017/06/new-gumby-comic-book-1-collectors-item-issue.html
(kyle baker himself retweeted my post :D & then followed me.. yeah that happened..)
then continued as mr dad & i hit a yearly neighborhood sale here locally where i found so much cool treasure i had to question whether it was all just one of my vintage toy fever dreams or finally a psychotic break from reality or something?
i told the guys that if i'm really in an ambulatory camisole in a nice safe soft room somewhere making this all up to please
just leave me right where i am & don't try to help..
at one house i grabbed a handful of vintage kid's books, including a Signed syd hoff one for a quarter! & the lady there complimented me on my pants, then my socks, of course, which has just become my thing i guess because everywhere i go i get that.. haha
i used to think maybe people were just being nice to me because i'm sort of an oddball, but this lady went on about how much she liked my style & all, & to a reclusive type like me with fragile self-esteem it just meant alot :) in fact people were nice to me everywhere i went, maybe i don't get around people much, but it was a wonderful reminder that there are good people all over out there..
at another sale i found perhaps the creepiest most wonderful vintage dolly yet for my collection & picked up a vintage which witch game for $2..
(i'll post these soon at the lost & found..)
at a different house me & another fun lady picked through cool prizes & goodies out of the 'free' box until our hands were full!
fortunately i'd succumbed earlier to investing .50 cents on yes, another plastic jol/pumpkin bucket
(it's a weakness)
& it held all my trinkets nicely..
then mr dad & i both spotted an unpainted dollhouse halfway down the block, when he heard the price & realized he didn't even have to put it
together he said 'Get it!' & it Just fit in the back of the cruiser, along with tubs full of the shingles, doors & windows & furniture that all came with it!!!! so mr dad & i are onto a new project together.. Yay!
then after lunch this happened too ~

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/vancouver-rocks-black-cat.html

i couldn't sleep last night. i don't know if i was awake because i was thinking too much about things or if i was thinking too much about things
because i was awake? i'm forever challenged at self-soothing & self-calming, whether the stress or excitement is bad or good..
& snug helps me..
i have 4 perfect therapy cats.
i need all 4..
mr dad takes care of all us kittygirls, & my lost & found post today is for him..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2017/06/spitz-junior-planetarium.html
<3

[ghost]

back into hiding.. starting a new sketch album ~ kitty heaven http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/kitty_heaven_is_our_heave/

in the future all the leaves will turn brown when we want them.. :(

hey now, check out my new truck btw ~ http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/my-new-truck.html

[ghost]

i get to have too much fun lately.. @gmtwirl @dbj5480 #portland #pdx #portlandrocks
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/portland-rocks.html

[ghost]

day 3 of migraine jinkies. been painting again.. & i put together a little film today ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/the%20anatomy%20of%20meloncholy.html

i call it the anatomy of meloncholy.. enjoy.

p.s. 'don’t ever tell anybody anything. if you do, you start missing everybody..'

[ghost]

another mini album ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostory.html

[ghost]

any good thoughts or prayers for our hepsebah are appreciated, she's 16 years old & deteriorating daily. of all our girls she's the one we thought would live forever, months ago she was jumping for joy, literally making big jumps off the furniture, trying to get as much air time just for the hell of it, we'd always clap & cheer for her so she'd wait till we were all looking.. but she suddenly began to lose weight & weaken. at the vet's days ago she got checked over & got an antibiotic injection for upper respiratory symptoms & a temperature, but she's not perking up. we're feeding her tuna to get her to eat anything at all & can't get meds into her.. she's quiet & subdued, just not herself at all. i give her tummyrubs & talk to her, we make her comfortable & she sleeps inside her kitty shack to keep nice & warm, but we know we're on watch.
i don't care about the eclipse, honestly this has me back in my familiar dark place & i'm battling a migraine as well. i saw the shadow back in '79 & will probably see the shadow this time too, with fear of aura i can't get interested in looking at the sun even if it is once in a lifetime. we'll keep the house dark in the morning & ensure sun loving kitties don't blind themselves looking out from their windowseats. it's been 6 months since we lost tabitha, & i'm sure i'm also dealing with the unfinished emotional weight of that. i just feel so tired & cold & hibernative.
here's hepsebah's baby pictures, she was tabitha's first-born daughter..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/back_in_cali/pict0076.html

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/back_in_cali/h-3.html

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/back_in_cali/outhep.html

we usually just call her boopy..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/the_kitties/

this never gets easier..

update: overnight she is eating :)
we are still hoping, they have 9 lives you know, snug & tabitha both came back from the brink more than once..

[ghost]

she's gone..
https://twitter.com/GhostAtTheGate/status/901141339131133952

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2017/08/kitty-cats.html

[ghost]

hibernaculum
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/hibernaculum.html

[ghost]

summer is over. good. it's halloween & that is one thing that makes me happy. my backyard pumpkin patch has been taken over by one massive monster vine, but the pumpkins are tiny, maybe our weird portland weather has delayed their growth? c'mon, grow, the great pumpkin will be here in less than 2 months!
maybe squirrels are eating them? grr.
i don't know these things, i've never had much of a green thumb, my garden just seems to do what it wants by magic.
i can't believe i only count to 3 now when i check on kitties :( miss boopy just slipped away from us so unexpected. we all miss her fun & games.
i'm kinda worried about something so i'm hiding it here, i'm experiencing such memory issues, really noticeable, all the time. it used to be just a joke, the way i forget proper nouns & names, the guys kid me because i've never known if i'm in a safeway or albertsons or what
ride i'd be on at disneyland or soaring over california adventures.. (see! whatever that other themepark is beside disneyland.) i wonder if i'm b vit anemic again, but i've tried taking multivits over & over & my gi tract gives me symptoms so i just have to stop. for years i took chewable scooby doo ones just fine, but then the whole world seemed to go to fucking gummies & they changed everything. i don't know if it's that. i worry about all these long years of migraines & auras & all the neurological symptoms i've gone through, inability to talk right or understand others' speech, etc. 20 years of chronic classic migraines.. maybe they've taken some toll on mah brain?
or maybe i am finally losing my mind.
oh well.
btw, i never wanted to outlive my kitties anyway.
forget drs, last thing i want is for them to get their claws into me again..

[ghost]

we're covered in ash, our skylights & decks, the gorge is burning, the falls, the lodge was saved in the night but still remains threatened with fire surrounding it, the east winds blew the eagle creek fire across the river. all because of one idiot with fireworks. scary here. :(
we're not far from the level #1 evacuation area.
be ready to evacuate :(

[ghost]

thanks for the rain.

everything changed so suddenly & wonderfully for those of us who love the cooler seasons, goodbye fire.

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/rain-x.html

i have reverse s.a.d. & feel an ominous kind of pressure with the onset of summer sunshine & heat, but on the other side when the weather takes a turn like now i feel quietly safe & secure, insulated by rain & clouds & the delicious approach of winter snow.
yeah i'm a vampire.
i'm feeling better now after losing hepsebah. it wasn't agonizing like with tabitha & our other girls, although i noticed upon waking up the following morning that i am a bit greyer.
is that how it happens?
these things make us old?
she was the happiest meowiest most kittycat of cats, always into fun & games or mischief, she didn't suffer at the end, she barely had a heartbeat & just went to sleep unafraid. now she's with her mama tabitha, her most favorite person/kitty in the whole world, so i know she's fine. i think losing her must've broken her heart?
something subtle & invisible happened inside that the vet couldn't determine, just 6 months after her mom.
that disconnect that set in after tabitha comes & goes now, i'm an occasional basketcase like when i'm in the car & thom sings the line
'i will see you in the next life..'
then i feel the loss of all my sweet kitties..
i still have miss snug, who everyone knows is my special kitty. when she's gone the guys know they'll probably have to have me put away somewhere..
or maybe lock me in my toyroom & bring me kittens?
my sister has again visited my folks & cathy with no good news as a result. she said cathy's hands stay bent at 90 degree angles for some reason, & the conservator remains useless to help.
i'm confused about the difference between a permanent vegetative state & brain death, she has no brain function at all. now we have a grievance report open & will see if that achieves anything. why her life has been a nightmare beginning to end haunts me, i just don't understand.

halloween is coming by the way.
i'm dismayed by my pumpkin patch.
i have one enormous mutant monster vine with leaves & blossoms that's a good 20 feet long, crawling all over the yard & trying to scale the back fence.. but no pumpkins?
maybe there's just not sufficient sunshine there & that's what it's trying to tell me by climbing the fence? i don't know these things. i've never had a green thumb.

[ghost]

i must admit i am not good with full moons, i've definitely felt like biting someone..
had to take it into rpg land, where it seemed perfect to join the companions in skyrim & let aela turn me, then i went off to eat the hearts of as many silver hand members as i could find & slaughter.. i feel a little bit better i guess. not really.
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendlyghoststuff/skyrim-2.html

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostpix.html

i'm worried about snug now, i have to take her to another vet appt. tomorrow. she needs regular medical attention, rxs & injections, but it's hard for me to even go there, as important as it is. i avoid all the human interaction i can irl. it only ever seems kinda safe online. anyway the next day is the fall friends of the library booksale downtown so that will be like a reward for getting through tomorrow? when i'm focused on books i'm oblivious to humans around me.

the great pumpkin will pass over my pumpkin patch this halloween, as it still has no pumpkins whatsoever, we went out there with a paintbrush prepared for a little pumpkin sex, but realized we only have male blossoms, no female ones to help fertilize. it's too late anyway. but our halloween album is all updated now with this year's new pix:
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/halloween.html
i tweeted my pix to a certain horror host (he approved) :D
https://twitter.com/GhostAtTheGate/status/914640889301016576

we're starting work on the mystery house, but soon it will be too cold to work on it downstairs. even in warm clothes my hands go numb working in the toy room once there's ice & snow. the seasons turned very fast here, it's cold. time to get ready for winter. books will help me. i hope.
p.s. i need bloodborne 2. c'mon!
who am i kidding, i'm beyond help..
for so many reasons.

[ghost]

pumpkin patch update:
ok, so i'd given up on my backyard vines, with halloween only a few weeks to go & no pumpkins.. :(
but today i noticed the female blossom was all bloomed & pretty, & 20' or so away a nice healthy male blossom lookin' for a little love.. :D
there's no way these 2 were gonna get together anytime soon, what with our sleepy bees or whatever has been the problem, so anyway..
pumpkin sex has been achieved!!
*sits back & smokes a cigarette*

ok, so we may get a xmas pumpkin, but at this point i'll take it.
wish us luck!

btw my toyroom is all ready for halloween..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/toy-room-halloween-17x.html

[ghost]

yeah, our little pumpkin child hath croaked. probably shouldn't attempt growing a pumpkin patch in a rainforest i guess..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/our-dead-pumpkin-child.html

i'm working on an autumn notebook photo album now in my old age, another work in progress.. or maybe it's all done, i don't know.

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/autumn%20notebook.html

use an old laptop for this one because without the music you should most certainly consider yourself deprived..

[ghost]

rows of never opened doors.. http://bit.ly/2j5fcz4

[ghost]

what's right and what's wrong?
don't you hold me too lightly
to words as i've rounded them off
to the nearest of ten
for i gathered your body in envious capture, in envious thought
oh forgive me, oh gods
or forgive me in fortune
forgive me in feeling it out for myself
as i ought to have feelings for something as great as thou art
some great white rose of youth,
your pleasure gives of my own heart
generous portions, wisely
breaks of my own heart
i felt the arm's length
while i've gone on my own way
conserve me, strange waters
come and obey me, strange waters
have it your own way
so if you won't hold me
i have no objections
so if you won't please me
i make no commands
so if you don't trust me
it's best if i drown..

http://bit.ly/2nLl6qW

[ghost]

whenever there's a hole in the back of my brain
whenever there's a place where i can't come back again..

new lyrics from thom, the song is called saturdays..
i'm having sadderdays myself.
snow has turned to ice.
new year's eve will make it 3 years now with my sister lying there. the world is batshit insane. i just want to hibernate & escape the whole nightmare.

[ghost]

i just learned a new psychological term: counter-dependence. is this what will prove to be the death of me? quiet morning, i posted a reply to the bloggess's post today, thanks to her for giving us silent ones a voice:

i tell people i’m a functioning agoraphobic, sometimes i function, but i’ve always been agoraphobic, i don’t like labels like ‘normal’ too much, this is normal for me, sometimes it’s just my way of realizing i need to take better care of myself, sometimes i just require Alot of space.. sometimes i drift off to my little snowcave for y e a r s.. but i always come back around to reaching out to the few good friends i still have.. give yourself the space you need & reach out when you truly want to, you don’t have to take care of everyone else before yourself.. kitties are especially therapeutic in these times.. sometimes we can’t talk in words, with me this is when i do art.. it’s the only real way i can communicate certain things, only i fear no one else may fathom them..?

http://thebloggess.com/2018/01/15/hi-im-still-alive/

[ghost]

we just finished putting xmas away under the stairs with halloween. today we're all recovering from being sick with a virus here, but we don't really want to venture out into public with the flu epidemic being what it is, so i'm bored & also dealing with some heavy duty depression due to things that are going on right now. i'm trying as always to turn it into some kind of dark art, but i also feel like what's the use, no one fathoms my creations anyway, you know? it's rainy here & our frog likes it, he's been croaking loudly in the side yard. backyard kitties have made it through the worst of ice & snow just fine..
just check out mr big fluff:
https://twitter.com/GhostAtTheGate/status/954790658388082688

i finished dark souls 3 & now i'm not just a ghost, but the lord of hollows.. but i already kinda knew that:
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendlyghoststuff/dark-souls-3-end-3.html

the ghost album (with sound):
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostpix.html

my sister's hearing is just days away & i'm hoping the drs will just sign the fucking DNR.

i can feel the super blue blood moon approaching.
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/i_love_portland/the-moon.html

update:underworld (sound up)
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/underworld.html

[ghost]

into the forest i go,
to lose my mind and find my soul ~
john muir

we took a long drive yesterday, i so love long drives & i really needed it, it's truly detox for the soul..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/tillamook-bridge.html

our adventure this time was to find the little secret elsie cemetery along the sunset highway so i could get some photos for my cemeteria album, while i was there i discovered this recent headstone with the john muir quote ~ http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/haunts/elsie-cemetery-oregon.html

a perfect name for my newest mini album ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/into%20the%20forest.html

we drove through the tillamook & clatsop forests in rain, fog & occasional sunshine all the way to the sea & back at night, listening to my radiohead, elliott smith & decemberists mixes the whole way..
(lovely lovely lovely)

my kitties are traumatized when i try to paint, it disrupts them & deprives them of my comfortable lap to curl up on, but i've found i can take forest photos that look just like my mind's eye would have me paint anyway, so it's one lazy option..

i get mentally lost in those incredible trees..

[ghost]

depression.
took another long drive yesterday,
i need them frequently.
this time over to the washington side of the river, more photography for my albums, & i discovered treasure in a cool little vintage book store in vancouver ~
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2018/02/decomposition-book.html

then we thought it was about time we checked out the gorge after the fire..
very sad, lots of burned trees & destruction, even now we can only reach a few of the falls, were turned back by signs & barriers at angel's rest..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendly_ghost_photo_albu/gorge-2.html

i added a bunch of new photos to my 'into the forest' album anyway..
couldn't see the mountain,
but the clouds were pretty..
another bad dream about bleeding eyes, an old theme from way back here at the ghost blog, i'm respecing my dark souls 3 character accordingly, i don't know why.
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/friendlyghoststuff/ds3x-2.html

i need another echocardiogram, but the copay's always around $K & our money tree's out of season..

[ghost]

here you go..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/happy%20valentine's%20day.png

[ghost]

i think i'm in hell.

this is the second virus we have all had here this winter & i just want to die. i don't know if it's the flu, i think it's just a bad virus, although i've had such waves of chills & misery, of course right on cue it triggered a migraine that i've been dealing with for days, waking up with aura, flashing lights on the left of my vision, can't eat because i feel so pukey..
the hardest thing is taking my heart meds, because it lowers my already precipitously low bp, so i'm always about to pass out.. also it's become a major issue being so sick that i'm either in bed or in my chair because i have this condition, trochanteric pain syndrome, making my hips, legs & butt ache insanely.. it has all caused my mood to plummet completely & send me to the depths of depression.
mr dad, who got the flu shot, once again, had it first (brought it home to us) & is recovering, dan's sick but has been able to be distracted leveling his runescape on this free experience weekend, snug got distressed when she couldn't find me because i'd moved into the frontroom chair at 3 in the morning, so now she's here with me curled up. she's my perfect therapy kitty & i have to be around for her & for dan, otherwise i really don't know the point of it.
i was tough when i was younger, but now i'm pretty fucking pathetic..