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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« my gloomy place | Main | dark places »

August 29, 2016


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such dysphoric lows at times these days, they scare me to death..

a mouthfull of razorblades..


i find my old journal pages to be kind of ..unique

things behind the sun ~


we had another adventure yesterday down south of albany looking for my 4x great-grandaunt's grave in an old overgrown cemetery called claypool..
i posted pix up in my ghost pix album here ~
including the most beautiful rainbow i've seen yet up here in oregon.. :)


out over the rainy weekend running errands i notice this song lives right inside my head & fits perfectly..

glass eyes

hey it's me
i just got off the train
frightening place
the faces are concrete grey
& i'm wondering should i turn around?
buy another ticket?
panic is coming on strong
so cold from the inside out
no great drama
message coming in
in the oh-so-smug
glassy eyed light of day
glassy eyed light of day

where the path trails off & heads
down the mountain
through the dry brush
i don't know where it leads
& i don't really care

the path trails off & heads
down the mountain
through the dry brush
i don't know where it leads
i don't really care
i don't really care

i feel this love to the core.


by the way,
girls kick ass!


from toxic


we've been piled high with snow from snowstorm jupiter :)
here's what i've been working on:


i haven't been able to post at my toy blog today because i'm so sick & it triggered a hellatious migraine. i'm at the end of my rope & i wish i could die.
i think i have a pretty high pain tolerance, i've dealt with migraines forever, but this is way over my head.
my husband is also sick & in his a.d.d. fog. i'm alone.
the snow is only beginning to thaw & we have freezing rain & black ice. 2 of my elderly kitties need to get to a vet appt. friday, i'm worried about them. i'm too needed to die. but that's what i want.
i need help but i have no one to talk to.
& i know there is no one who will read this.
i know i've survived these dysphoric drops before but every time one hits it feels like the end.


i'm still around, still dealing with the same migraine & flu, we all got the flu here despite mr dad getting his shot, he just got it too late & some fool showed up sick at work & now everyone & their families are dealing with this.
the flu has been rough enough for all of us, but i just feel like i've been beaten up physically & mentally because of the new terrible migraines i get that are untouchable by my meager acetaminophen. the flu triggered it, the coughing maybe? they are also now so connected to my stomach that i'm so sick along with it as well. so i can barely eat or digest anything & am losing weight.
anyway, i'm losing my mind.



we lost our sweet tabitha today..

fly fly, baby girl..


grieving the loss of my tabitha, fluffy princess & therapy kitty, my best friend & closest companion..
17 years together..
we were each other's constant caretakers..

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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