agoraphobic

yeah i've reached new levels of agoraphobic reclusiveness these days, this old ghost blog is appropriately spooky quiet, a safe place to vent my latest grumblings.. i'm not someone who trusts, but i've reached an all-time low over this nightmare situation with my sister, cathy.. it has been over a year and a half now with her lying in braindead undead limbo despite our family's wishes to have the drs sign a dnr & repeated cross-country trips by my other sister to try to get this accomplished. the conservator is completely useless & now she's so unrecognizably skinny, usually choking on her trach tube without any alarm going off or anything to summon attention.. i have to believe she is no longer in there or i'd never sleep at night. the world seems batshit insane to me these days.

living up here in portland for nearly 11 years now i have realized how i lived on overwhelm at all times down in socal, my poor high-strung traumatized nervous system just stressed beyond my limit so chronically that i didn't even know i could live differently. i haven't had a drink or resorted to si to cope in like 7 or 8 years now that i have some control to regulate what i allow into my life, & although i still dissociate, it is no longer a chronic state. yes, it does mean i'm alone too much & the isolation is not always good, it is lonely. but i'm just fine with my online friendships, thanks to the antiseptic safety of the internet i can blog & tweet & comment & be more present than i used to actually be in person. 

my kitties are getting frail & that scares me to death, we've already lost 2 of our 7, & our remaining girls are all over 16 years of age, all special needs, snug is deaf & she & her mama, tabitha both take meds. imagine this concept if you will, Kitties on Steroids. literally. this is my life 24/7 as tabitha's food needs require daniel & i taking shifts long-term. but she is round & fluffy & happy so it's all worth it.. i just don't exactly sleep..

mr dad & i went out to a new spot yesterday in washington state to try out our new gopro camera. the ridgefield national wildlife refuge is cool, there's a 4 mile loop you can drive by car, you pick up a cd at the gate & pop it into your car player to hear the tour, all about the birds & wildlife you're seeing around you.. for us here at the end of summer it was mostly ducks, egrets, turtles, birds & nutria, one of which tried to stop us on the road :O we found a new pioneer cemetery for my album there too.. i love the pac nw, even someone who hides from other humans can have a ridiculously cool life here.. 

as always feel free to check out my albums & gallery, although i'm demoralized that you have to have firefox or google chrome browsers now for the music to play, it just is not the same without it :(

btw, fuck off, summer. it's halloween now.

well, here are some timely song lyrics for today, taken from the patiently perfect last radiohead album, a moon shaped pool:

burn the witch

stay in the shadows
cheer at the gallows
this is a round-up
this is a low flying panic attack
sing the song of jukebox that goes

burn the witch
burn the witch
we know where you live

red crosses on wooden doors
if you float, you burn
loose talk around tables
abandon all reason
avoid all eye contact
do not react
shoot the messengers
this is a low flying panic attack
sing the song of sixpence that goes

burn the witch
burn the witch
we know where you live
we know where you live..

check out this tweet from the christian science monitor ~
i love thom

ghost/bren

p.s. now you can follow me on twitter & instagram ~

ghostatthegate on twitter

ghostatthegate on instagram

 

Comments

[ghost]

such dysphoric lows at times these days, they scare me to death..

a mouthfull of razorblades..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/toxick-xx.html

[ghost]

i find my old journal pages to be kind of ..unique

things behind the sun ~
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/things_behind_the_sun/

[ghost]

we had another adventure yesterday down south of albany looking for my 4x great-grandaunt's grave in an old overgrown cemetery called claypool..
i posted pix up in my ghost pix album here ~ http://www.brensgumbyland.com/friendlyghost%20album.html
including the most beautiful rainbow i've seen yet up here in oregon.. :)

[ghost]

out over the rainy weekend running errands i notice this song lives right inside my head & fits perfectly..

glass eyes

hey it's me
i just got off the train
frightening place
the faces are concrete grey
& i'm wondering should i turn around?
buy another ticket?
panic is coming on strong
so cold from the inside out
no great drama
message coming in
in the oh-so-smug
glassy eyed light of day
glassy eyed light of day

where the path trails off & heads
down the mountain
through the dry brush
i don't know where it leads
& i don't really care

the path trails off & heads
down the mountain
through the dry brush
i don't know where it leads
i don't really care
i don't really care

i feel this love to the core.
bren

[ghost]

by the way,
girls kick ass!
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/things_behind_the_sun/election-2016.html

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2016/11/girls-kick-ass.html

[ghost]

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2016/12/scholastic-books-the-bear-mouse.html

from toxic

[ghost]

we've been piled high with snow from snowstorm jupiter :)
here's what i've been working on:

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghost%20house.html

[ghost]

i haven't been able to post at my toy blog today because i'm so sick & it triggered a hellatious migraine. i'm at the end of my rope & i wish i could die.
i think i have a pretty high pain tolerance, i've dealt with migraines forever, but this is way over my head.
my husband is also sick & in his a.d.d. fog. i'm alone.
the snow is only beginning to thaw & we have freezing rain & black ice. 2 of my elderly kitties need to get to a vet appt. friday, i'm worried about them. i'm too needed to die. but that's what i want.
i need help but i have no one to talk to.
& i know there is no one who will read this.
i know i've survived these dysphoric drops before but every time one hits it feels like the end.

[ghost]

i'm still around, still dealing with the same migraine & flu, we all got the flu here despite mr dad getting his shot, he just got it too late & some fool showed up sick at work & now everyone & their families are dealing with this.
the flu has been rough enough for all of us, but i just feel like i've been beaten up physically & mentally because of the new terrible migraines i get that are untouchable by my meager acetaminophen. the flu triggered it, the coughing maybe? they are also now so connected to my stomach that i'm so sick along with it as well. so i can barely eat or digest anything & am losing weight.
anyway, i'm losing my mind.

[ghost]

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/present%20tense.jpg

[ghost]

we lost our sweet tabitha today..

fly fly, baby girl..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2017/02/kittens.html

[ghost]

grieving the loss of my tabitha, fluffy princess & therapy kitty, my best friend & closest companion..
17 years together..
we were each other's constant caretakers..