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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« some thoughts on adult insecure attachment.. | Main | agoraphobic »

December 28, 2015


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starting off the comments here with my old custom of posting favorite song lyrics.. yesterday we took a long drive to the coast, astoria by the sea, to find the grave of a lost relative of mr dad's, we saw a bald eagle & a herd of elk grazing, & on the drive back over the coast range at dusk i felt truly at peace.. the forest so tall & dense & dark on either side of us as we were heading home & this song by mt eerie playing on one of my old indie mixes ~

grave robbers

change your way of limping
around the world
‘cause you know what will come soon,
a real broken leg
and you know this will come true
you cannot get away
daylight, dawn and evening
around the world
and you know what will come too
do I have to say?
everybody will eat you
everybody robs graves
and our ghosts stay forever confined
in wherever we haunt
and hopelessly want to
but cannot get away
and our bones do blow away
in pink light..

one of my favorite ghost songs..



i'm not a spring person, usually i enjoy adventures in autumn or winter, but i had such a cool weekend, i had to
comment about it somewhere.. for this first weekend of spring mr dad & i traveled all over the pacific nw wonderland, to the sea, to cemeteries & collectible shops, with perfect music accompanying us & rain off & on keeping us cool, sometimes pouring on us..
on saturday we went to hug point, my favorite beach in oregon ~
to photo trees & see the ocean before the heat of summer.. we also found cool treasure for the lost & found in one of our usual collectible shops..
then sunday started with trying to find the grave of chief comcomly of the chinook, there's a whole story to this, his bones were taken & his skull ended up in the smithsonian at one point, but was finally laid to rest in ilwaco cemetery in chinook washington.. but when we found the cemetery there were like 900 something graves & we had no gps, it was raining, i wandered through the graves along the path & over to one corner where mr dad ducked under a bush out of the rain & there he was, the chief! i took this as a sign that he drew us right to the spot because he wanted a visit & to be included in my cemeteria album ~
(i just added all my recent pix here)
on a kinda creepy note, recent landslides & erosion have uncovered graves there and you can still see some disrupted graves.. :o
next we crossed the astoria bridge into washington to look for 2 rural cemeteries & got our truck into one sketchy dead-end spot on a mountaintop & had to back down precariously, but found the old salmon creek cemetery & took photos.. i have to say it was pretty disheartening to see the trees had been cut down there.. onward to the last cemetery in the beautiful deep river area in wahkiakum county, really off the grid spots to discover, there we heard ravens & an elk calling nearby, saw wild deer, so many hawks, all manner of creatures.. so cool..
coming back home the sun broke through & we had rainbow weather the whole way home, including a big dark cloud with silver lining over us.. we listened to older sea wolf for part of the trip, & i wanted to share some lyrics today:

white water, white bloom

i felt the cold of the ice and water
come flowing through
as it pulled me under
i saw my hand
reaching out from the ether
& touched the branches
in my cold white fever

flow, white water, flow
down to me
i heard you calling
in the city canyons
i should have waited
by the window lantern
but i went running
through the moonlit forest
alone and searching
for the cold white current

flow, white water, flow
down to me
flow, white water,
flow me out to sea

& coming through the mist
into the calm and clear
in the emerald gleam
i can feel you near
the dogwoods on the banks
glowing in the gloom
on every naked branch
a beautiful white bloom

i see you running in the tall wild grasses
young and free along the river rapids
your body floating in the foreign air
your lovely hands reaching down from there

flow, white water, flow
clean on through
flow, white water, flow
me o'er to you

& coming through the mist
into the calm and clear
in the emerald gleam
i can see you near
standing on the shore
glowing in the gloom
& from your parted lips
a beautiful white bloom..

reaching out from the ether, ghost/bren


my yoke is heavy..

mr dad got his new job
spring cleaning is done
& we've had record heat here like summer & spiders are suddenly all coming out of hiding..
today i feel ready to hibernate but insomnia is preventing this..
is this a penance i'm walking?

song for today ~

blue clouds come squeezing
through a funnel
somewhere far off the thunder roaring
& the fortune teller has fixed her sleepy eyes on my child

sometimes i climb high up in a tree
& let the wind blow in my face
sometimes i leave my cares
lying in piles

somewhat disturbing
is the sound of birds singing
when you know you don't deserve it

you're not here today
& i feel just like an empty eggshell
& my yoke is heavy
my yoke is heavy

my voice is a little horse
galloping lost through the woods
calling your name

it's new to me
but just the same
the earth is an old canvas painted over many times

the poet rambles
the world it scrambles
but who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of man

your shadow knows
it's right behind you all the way
your shadow knows where you've been

my yoke is heavy
my yoke is heavy
my yoke is heavy

sacred is the smile
that opened up my mind
& may at last come save me
& rid my cold cold heart
of the dark deep gloom
that took up so much room
in my many spacious memories

my yoke is heavy
my yoke is heavy
my yoke is heavy..


at sunrise the monkeys will fly..


it has been too infernally hot & bright for portland, just like summer ..
:( i hate climate change.
me & toxic have been collaborating on a bunch of new art installations so be sure to visit the links down in the trapdoors in the sidebar..
but if you click on one & no music plays, please don't bother unless you can use another phone or laptop, because apple devices steal away all the essential music on my site,
grr. it's like watching a film with no soundtrack, it ruins everything.
i always add the latest art at the end of the quarantine area up at my gallery at gumbyland, just put up some fun stuff,
spiroscience & a little closet skeleton..

& speaking of skeletons..
song for the day:
king of nails

the toothless kiss of skeletons
& summer hail
i'm the king of nails
i drink my liquor from the palm
of a child who spoke in tongues
& smelled like sun
give all your leaves
to the ghosts in the trees
to sink or to shine
the nails are all mine
& blood was rushing up the stairs
i shut my eyes and killed the cock
when the sun came knocking
oh to taste the salty oil
of your chest and on your eyes
when the sting is on the rise
sleep in the fire
with snakes i have sired
to sink or to shine
the nails are all mine
i drink my liquor from the palm
of a child who smelled like sun
& spoke in tongues
the toothless kiss of skeletons
& summer hail
i'm the king of nails
give all your leaves
to the ghosts in the trees
to sink or to shine
the nails are all mine..

happy friday the 13th!


sick & quarantined..

i'm a sheltered ghost, a reclusive agoraphobic by nature, but last weekend i ventured out into the germpool, to an estate sale in washington state where i snagged a vintage 1965 thingmaker creeple peeple maker set,
i even had actual conversations with real 3d humans there.. we ended up running around all day saturday & as it turned out, it was too much for me & my paltry immunity i guess.. some nasty opportunistic virus went right for me & now i'm just infectiously sick & miserable, in pain if i try to swallow anything, & trying to keep myself quarantined from my guys to spare them if possible. but it's fucking lonely misery is what it is.
i've tried to play some fallout 4 since I want to set up my new kitty sanctuary
but i'm woozy enough at times the feral ghouls get me,
i Am a feral ghoul.
i just want a shower but i have problems with occasional presyncope in the shower even on a good day..
so i better not.
we've had rain & thunder, & my kitties keep me warm against the chill, but even a ghost like me could use a little company sometimes, through the antiseptic safety of the internet of course.

lately i'm lost in radiohead's new/latest & possibly last album, a moon shaped pool.. i've heard it descibed as patient perfectionism, & I agree. an older more sophisticated radiohead, with songs so personal to thom. if you've ever been to my gallery ~
you probably heard pyramid song playing in the first hallway there.. my old favorite in part because it reminds me so much of a Grand dream toxic had so long ago, waking up to discover a beautiful river outside her bedside window & a little rowboat right there to take her off to the moon..
shown here in this storybook style painting i called escape ~
a moon shaped pool has a track called daydreaming with a beautiful video in which thom goes in & out & through all variety of doorways leading in & out of all different places, until finally he ends up out in the snow, where he curls up inside a snowcave. this is just spooky to me, as it so closely resembles my very own snowcave
that i've talked about over all the years, & spookier still is how i once even painted myself inside, just the way thom does, here in my cold comfort painting ~
that's me curled up wearing my cyan blue test specimen radiohead shirt i had on at the time.. :)
i love this.

van gogh once said he thought he would be understood without words..
i feel this way too..
i don't imagine anyone could ever truly fathom what my lonely gallery is really all about?
but i wish someone could.
i think i'm feverish..
where's my apple juice..


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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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