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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)


ghost toy catalogue

  • spookytown
    an inventory of toys & collectibles vintage & new including toxic's toys, toxic's library & halloweeniana..

    ~ copyright 2011 all rights reserved
Cherrytreemoon
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Scandalous
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

Pdx
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

Thingsbehindthesun
things behind the sun (journals)
Razorblades
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
www.flickr.com
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Brenkitty
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Enter
halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..


  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    NEW ELDER SCROLLS!!
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

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December 08, 2014

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ghost

*crickets..*

well afterall it is a ghost blog..

ghost

i'm having a difficult time right now.. the fact that i've so isolated myself into such a reclusive corner is not helping me. i've posted a comment or two here in my ghostblog along those lines already this winter. but it's become worse right now because my sister is dying. or i guess i should say dead..? actually she's lying in a hospital down in socal with little to no brain activity on a ventilator machine after having a heart attack on new year's eve. they found her on the floor & she'd been there too long with not enough oxygen to her brain. it's been days with her in this limbo & i'm experiencing bad insecurity & can't sleep, among other things.. over the last few years i have tried to repair connections to some of my family members without much result, but now this is opening up old wounds for everyone, as we've all sort of held our breath for decades over my mentally ill sister.. her long struggle with the devastation of schizophrenia is finally over & it's suddenly clear all that we have been carrying around with us emotionally. i'm not used to interaction with my family & although it's good to try to make repairs in our estranged relationships, it is all feeling overwhelming to me. i had just sent her my usual xmas care box..

ghost

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/theladies.html

here we all are many years ago..
cathy is the blond one on the left, then there's my mom, me, my sister caren, & my grandma vira & great grandma barbre..

(sorry for the glass reflection..)

ghost

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/toxic%20was%20here.html

love you, cath ~

ghost

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/clic-paint-ink-by-toxics-older-sister-before-she-got-too-sick.html

it was my sister cathy who first got me interested in art as a child, now i have my own gallery..

http://brensgumbyland.com/warning1.htm

ghost

my sister wrote me this letter right when she was starting to become sick with schizophrenia, i think it was a goodbye..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/antiqueautobiography.jpg

ghost

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/visiting-cathy.html

remembering cathy..

ghost

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/carter-kids.html

us as kids..

(here in oregon we have death with dignity laws so this sort of thing doesn't drag on this way..)

ghost

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/1972.html

1972..

ghost

my sister truly lies in the valley of the shadow of death..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/pool.png

hard days for me right now.. i wish i had someone to talk to, but my feelings are only with me when i'm alone, like they occur in a darkroom where they sharpen into painful definition, once people are around me i'm overexposed & i disappear in an instant..

ghost

goodbye letter..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/goodbyeletter.png

ghost

knott's berry farm 1971..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/birthday-6.html

ghost

xmas 1968..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/christmas-1968.html

ghost

us as kids again..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/the-middle-child...html

ghost

it's been 2 weeks & i'm not hearing any news from my family..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/siblings.html

ghost

a long time ago..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/japanesedeerpark.html

ghost

a secret film..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/a%20secret%20film.wmv

ghost

my sister taught me how to play guitar when i was a kid, she was always playing songs, writing her own songs that i still remember.. they were as good as any i heard on the radio..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%201963.png

sadly the only picture i have of her playing is this one from 1963 when she got her first guitar..

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/back_in_cali/bren-guitar.html

ghost

1989..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/1989.png

ghost

cathy's first halloween..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/1957%20halloween.png

ghost

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cath.png
1971..

ghost

over 3 weeks now & my sister has been transferred to another facility.. how long does this go on? i hate seeing pix of my sister lying in this limbo hooked up to tubes & wires & ivs..

ghost

cathy's dollhouse..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy's%20dollhouse.png
my dad made it for her in 1958..

ghost

cathy & daniel..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20&%20daniel.png

when my son was little my sister used to walk to come see him almost every day, i think it helped her stay relatively well for that year or so.. i'm so glad he got to know his aunt cathy..

ghost

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy.png

despite everything my sister had a great sense of humor..

ghost

1960..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%201960.png

ghost

daniel, aunt cathy & gumby..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20dan%20&%20gumby.png

ghost

my sisters & our uncle's ice-cream truck..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/ice%20cream%20truck.png

JustMeTina

Hi, I read your post and I have been living with similar circumstances my whole life. And I'm in turmoil now as my therapist prepares to go on maternity leave and my feelings of abandonment and insecurity are raging. And I lost trust in her, and doubt she cares, and think she's probably fed up with me, and on and on and on.
I'm self injuring again after 16 years, and I'm suicidal, and I'm beginning to regret ever starting therapy because of the reasons you mentioned.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency.

ghost

hi tina,

thanks for reading my post, i used to belong to several forums for us AD folk & we'd all talk here in the comments but everyone has drifted away or gone to facebook maybe? the forums have all gone..
i'm sorry you share the same predicament & i really relate to the suicidality & self injury.. i've been si free i think about 7 years now, i think of it as nature's last ditch way of self soothing, when we've just become way too overwhelmed without support or other ways to cope.. the feeling of abandonment you spoke of must have seriously triggered you?
i may be very avoidant style because i also felt like my t was probably just getting more & more tired of even dealing with me until it seemed like the only way of redeeming myself would be to leave entirely. only alone did i ever build back up any self esteem, but it is brutal.. i never did bring up all these things in therapy because i really didn't trust enough to be that open, plus who wants to be in such a vulnerable position of needing people who (once again) do not really care.. i'm not sure the pros have this attachment problem really figured out yet.. like i posted, how do we know if it truly is good for us to go through years of expensive therapy, putting ourselves through so much agony, not knowing if it ever does get any better.. i wish i had answers..
my one great success personally is that after a lifetime of suicidality i truly do not want to die anymore.. i do want out of pain, but not at the expense of my life..
take care & feel free to comment here anytime..
bren

p.s. over in the left sidebar are some si support forums as well if you're interested, i used to go to them regularly..

ghost

thinking about cathy ~

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/bren%20&%20cath.png

ghost

cathy birthday ~

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathybday.png

ghost

cathy & baby b..

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20&%20baby%20b.png

ghost

cathy 1985 with kitties..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/1986.png

ghost

my sisters & their dolls..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/dollies.png

ghost

cathy at my 5th bday party..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/bren5bdayx.png
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/bren5bday.png

ghost

xmas 1966 ~ cathy, caren & bren..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/xmas%201966.png

ghost

my sister caren is flying to socal to get answers soon..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathyxmas.png

ghost

a family picture..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/everyone.png

ghost

a vintage valentine..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20valentine.png

ghost

cathy..

today my parents, sister & nieces visited cathy.. they painted her nails, put a pretty cross bracelet on her wrist & told her we love her.. we as a family all agree this is no quality of life & have made our feelings known to the court, now the drs will make their decision..
i'm sure she's out of that uncomfortable body already & hanging around watching us all ;)

ghost

psychcentral forum..
http://forums.psychcentral.com/grief-loss/376714-losing-my-mentally-ill-sister.html#post4288022

ghost

cathy ~
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20nails.png
she's been in this state for nearly 2 months now..
:(

ghost

cathy..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20stables.png
my sisters spent alot of time at the stables..

ghost

cathy & brenda..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cath%20&%20%20bren%20x.png
soft focus is because some of these pix are ripped from old home movies, which i fortunately have a ton of..

ghost

my sister seems to be only a number in the state's system..

ghost

goodbye little miss muffin..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2015/03/m.html
since these comments have become a sort of memorial ~
after more than a year with ibd & what we now know was lymphoma we had to say goodbye to another one of our sweet kitties yesterday.. she had become so frail & sick & was near organ failure.. my son & i are super sensitive but cerebral & partition ourselves emotionally, thinking we are preparing ourselves.. imagining we are prepared.. until it hits & then we're wrecks.. (or i am.. grief hurts, i am not emotionally sturdy.. my chest felt so tight i felt like i couldn't breathe..) but now we are all so relieved for her, no more pain, no more getting injections at the vet, the worry & exhaustion around the clock were taking more of a toll on me than i'd realized..
but even sick she was our hello kitty.. whenever anyone came home she'd get up from whatever cozy spot she was in & sit at the top of the stairs to meow/greet us.. anytime, not just for food or anything.. she was the most loving kitty anyone could ever know.. as a kitten we thought she was a boy because she looks so much like her dad, we named her arthur after him, & when we found out she was just a tough little girl kitty we named her the most feminine name we could think of to make up for our mistake, miette.. it's hard counting to 5 now when we count our kitties (me & daniel are both ocd & count them whenever anyone comes & goes just to make sure noone slips out into the cold..) she was just shy of 14 years old.. we will all miss her so much.. words are too small..

ghost

it's been more than 3 months now & i feel so surreally removed..
i found this valentine on an old post at my toy blog :)

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/.a/6a00d834525fe869e2017d40e174cc970c-pi

http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/.a/6a00d834525fe869e2017ee85638de970d-pi

she was a good sister..

ghost

save our souls
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/save-our-souls.html

ghost

over 4 months now ~
& my sister still lies there braindead coughing reflexively on her trach tube :(
she was recently moved again to la & each time she's moved the paperwork starts all over again with the courts, so says the social worker.. it seems even in death we are caught up in red tape..

ghost

i can't believe i'm still counting the months this way... 5 now :(

ghost

6 months ~ & i hear nothing from anyone..

ghost

my sister found out that the state would simply cremate cathy along with multiple others & dispose of her if left to them, so we're making plans for final arrangements, we think she should be back in ravenwood with our grandmothers & other family..

ghost

it's autumn now..
at night i think of cathy lying there after all this time.. is she gone, is she still in there? is she aware somewhere.. is she asleep & can she dream? stuck in limbo bound here.. as i mentioned here in oregon we have death with dignity laws, & the 3 of us here have advanced directives as well.. if i'm ever in such a dark place, someone please pull the fucking plug & let me go.

brenda roudebush

it' almost halloween, usually a fun time for me.. honestly i just don't know what to say anymore about my sister.. she's just been left in this state & ignored.. i had no trust before, but this only cements it for me.

ghost

today is cathy's 59th birthday.. & in a week it will be one year since the heart attack :(
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghost%20reflections.html

ghost

i'll be here to see that you don't fade away..

ghost

today is cathy's 60th birthday. in a couple weeks it will be 2 years with her lying there choking. my worst nightmare. the drs hide when my other sister makes the trip to try to get them to sign the dnr & the social worker does nothing, along with the facility maintaining her probably making income off this unconscionable situation. never trust drs. never trust.

ghost

i've stopped hearing from my estranged mother.. we used to write..

& i'm terrified now thinking of something called 'locked in syndrome'..

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lost & found toys

Around the bend album main
visit my around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved

cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

Danradpic
back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!

ghostfilms

Ghost
lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

haunts

  • lunacy..
    CURRENT MOON
  • the happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations...

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