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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots..
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

ghost toy catalogue

  • spookytown
    an inventory of toys & collectibles vintage & new including toxic's toys, toxic's library & halloweeniana..

    ~ copyright 2011 all rights reserved
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved
halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

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« blood moon | Main | my gloomy place »

December 08, 2014


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well afterall it is a ghost blog..


i'm having a difficult time right now.. the fact that i've so isolated myself into such a reclusive corner is not helping me. i've posted a comment or two here in my ghostblog along those lines already this winter. but it's become worse right now because my sister is dying. or i guess i should say dead..? actually she's lying in a hospital down in socal with little to no brain activity on a ventilator machine after having a heart attack on new year's eve. they found her on the floor & she'd been there too long with not enough oxygen to her brain. it's been days with her in this limbo & i'm experiencing bad insecurity & can't sleep, among other things.. over the last few years i have tried to repair connections to some of my family members without much result, but now this is opening up old wounds for everyone, as we've all sort of held our breath for decades over my mentally ill sister.. her long struggle with the devastation of schizophrenia is finally over & it's suddenly clear all that we have been carrying around with us emotionally. i'm not used to interaction with my family & although it's good to try to make repairs in our estranged relationships, it is all feeling overwhelming to me. i had just sent her my usual xmas care box..


here we all are many years ago..
cathy is the blond one on the left, then there's my mom, me, my sister caren, & my grandma vira & great grandma barbre..

(sorry for the glass reflection..)


love you, cath ~


it was my sister cathy who first got me interested in art as a child, now i have my own gallery..


my sister wrote me this letter right when she was starting to become sick with schizophrenia, i think it was a goodbye..


remembering cathy..


us as kids..

(here in oregon we have death with dignity laws so this sort of thing doesn't drag on this way..)




my sister truly lies in the valley of the shadow of death..

hard days for me right now.. i wish i had someone to talk to, but my feelings are only with me when i'm alone, like they occur in a darkroom where they sharpen into painful definition, once people are around me i'm overexposed & i disappear in an instant..


goodbye letter..


knott's berry farm 1971..


xmas 1968..


us as kids again..


it's been 2 weeks & i'm not hearing any news from my family..


a long time ago..


a secret film..


my sister taught me how to play guitar when i was a kid, she was always playing songs, writing her own songs that i still remember.. they were as good as any i heard on the radio..

sadly the only picture i have of her playing is this one from 1963 when she got her first guitar..




cathy's first halloween..



over 3 weeks now & my sister has been transferred to another facility.. how long does this go on? i hate seeing pix of my sister lying in this limbo hooked up to tubes & wires & ivs..


cathy's dollhouse..'s%20dollhouse.png
my dad made it for her in 1958..


cathy & daniel..

when my son was little my sister used to walk to come see him almost every day, i think it helped her stay relatively well for that year or so.. i'm so glad he got to know his aunt cathy..


despite everything my sister had a great sense of humor..




daniel, aunt cathy & gumby..


my sisters & our uncle's ice-cream truck..


Hi, I read your post and I have been living with similar circumstances my whole life. And I'm in turmoil now as my therapist prepares to go on maternity leave and my feelings of abandonment and insecurity are raging. And I lost trust in her, and doubt she cares, and think she's probably fed up with me, and on and on and on.
I'm self injuring again after 16 years, and I'm suicidal, and I'm beginning to regret ever starting therapy because of the reasons you mentioned.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency.


hi tina,

thanks for reading my post, i used to belong to several forums for us AD folk & we'd all talk here in the comments but everyone has drifted away or gone to facebook maybe? the forums have all gone..
i'm sorry you share the same predicament & i really relate to the suicidality & self injury.. i've been si free i think about 7 years now, i think of it as nature's last ditch way of self soothing, when we've just become way too overwhelmed without support or other ways to cope.. the feeling of abandonment you spoke of must have seriously triggered you?
i may be very avoidant style because i also felt like my t was probably just getting more & more tired of even dealing with me until it seemed like the only way of redeeming myself would be to leave entirely. only alone did i ever build back up any self esteem, but it is brutal.. i never did bring up all these things in therapy because i really didn't trust enough to be that open, plus who wants to be in such a vulnerable position of needing people who (once again) do not really care.. i'm not sure the pros have this attachment problem really figured out yet.. like i posted, how do we know if it truly is good for us to go through years of expensive therapy, putting ourselves through so much agony, not knowing if it ever does get any better.. i wish i had answers..
my one great success personally is that after a lifetime of suicidality i truly do not want to die anymore.. i do want out of pain, but not at the expense of my life..
take care & feel free to comment here anytime..

p.s. over in the left sidebar are some si support forums as well if you're interested, i used to go to them regularly..


thinking about cathy ~


cathy birthday ~


cathy & baby b..


cathy 1985 with kitties..


my sisters & their dolls..


cathy at my 5th bday party..


xmas 1966 ~ cathy, caren & bren..


my sister caren is flying to socal to get answers soon..


a family picture..


a vintage valentine..



today my parents, sister & nieces visited cathy.. they painted her nails, put a pretty cross bracelet on her wrist & told her we love her.. we as a family all agree this is no quality of life & have made our feelings known to the court, now the drs will make their decision..
i'm sure she's out of that uncomfortable body already & hanging around watching us all ;)


psychcentral forum..


cathy ~
she's been in this state for nearly 2 months now..


my sisters spent alot of time at the stables..


cathy & brenda..
soft focus is because some of these pix are ripped from old home movies, which i fortunately have a ton of..


my sister seems to be only a number in the state's system..


goodbye little miss muffin..
since these comments have become a sort of memorial ~
after more than a year with ibd & what we now know was lymphoma we had to say goodbye to another one of our sweet kitties yesterday.. she had become so frail & sick & was near organ failure.. my son & i are super sensitive but cerebral & partition ourselves emotionally, thinking we are preparing ourselves.. imagining we are prepared.. until it hits & then we're wrecks.. (or i am.. grief hurts, i am not emotionally sturdy.. my chest felt so tight i felt like i couldn't breathe..) but now we are all so relieved for her, no more pain, no more getting injections at the vet, the worry & exhaustion around the clock were taking more of a toll on me than i'd realized..
but even sick she was our hello kitty.. whenever anyone came home she'd get up from whatever cozy spot she was in & sit at the top of the stairs to meow/greet us.. anytime, not just for food or anything.. she was the most loving kitty anyone could ever know.. as a kitten we thought she was a boy because she looks so much like her dad, we named her arthur after him, & when we found out she was just a tough little girl kitty we named her the most feminine name we could think of to make up for our mistake, miette.. it's hard counting to 5 now when we count our kitties (me & daniel are both ocd & count them whenever anyone comes & goes just to make sure noone slips out into the cold..) she was just shy of 14 years old.. we will all miss her so much.. words are too small..


it's been more than 3 months now & i feel so surreally removed..
i found this valentine on an old post at my toy blog :)

she was a good sister..


save our souls


over 4 months now ~
& my sister still lies there braindead coughing reflexively on her trach tube :(
she was recently moved again to la & each time she's moved the paperwork starts all over again with the courts, so says the social worker.. it seems even in death we are caught up in red tape..


i can't believe i'm still counting the months this way... 5 now :(


6 months ~ & i hear nothing from anyone..


my sister found out that the state would simply cremate cathy along with multiple others & dispose of her if left to them, so we're making plans for final arrangements, we think she should be back in ravenwood with our grandmothers & other family..


it's autumn now..
at night i think of cathy lying there after all this time.. is she gone, is she still in there? is she aware somewhere.. is she asleep & can she dream? stuck in limbo bound here.. as i mentioned here in oregon we have death with dignity laws, & the 3 of us here have advanced directives as well.. if i'm ever in such a dark place, someone please pull the fucking plug & let me go.

brenda roudebush

it' almost halloween, usually a fun time for me.. honestly i just don't know what to say anymore about my sister.. she's just been left in this state & ignored.. i had no trust before, but this only cements it for me.


today is cathy's 59th birthday.. & in a week it will be one year since the heart attack :(


i'll be here to see that you don't fade away..


today is cathy's 60th birthday. in a couple weeks it will be 2 years with her lying there choking. my worst nightmare. the drs hide when my other sister makes the trip to try to get them to sign the dnr & the social worker does nothing, along with the facility maintaining her probably making income off this unconscionable situation. never trust drs. never trust.


i've stopped hearing from my estranged mother.. we used to write..

& i'm terrified now thinking of something called 'locked in syndrome'..

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lost & found toys

cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!


  • by Edgar Allan Poe

    The skies they were ashen and sober;
    The leaves they were crisped and sere-
    The leaves they were withering and sere;
    It was night in the lonesome October
    Of my most immemorial year;
    It was hard by the dim lake of Auber,
    In the misty mid region of Weir-
    It was down by the dank tarn of Auber,
    In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

    Here once, through an alley Titanic,
    Of cypress, I roamed with my Soul-
    Of cypress, with Psyche, my Soul.
    These were days when my heart was volcanic
    As the scoriac rivers that roll-
    As the lavas that restlessly roll
    Their sulphurous currents down Yaanek
    In the ultimate climes of the pole-
    That groan as they roll down Mount Yaanek
    In the realms of the boreal pole.

    Our talk had been serious and sober,
    But our thoughts they were palsied and sere-
    Our memories were treacherous and sere-
    For we knew not the month was October,
    And we marked not the night of the year-
    (Ah, night of all nights in the year!)
    We noted not the dim lake of Auber-
    (Though once we had journeyed down here),
    Remembered not the dank tarn of Auber,
    Nor the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

    And now, as the night was senescent,
    And star-dials pointed to morn-
    As the star-dials hinted of morn-
    At the end of our path a liquescent
    And nebulous lustre was born,
    Out of which a miraculous crescent
    Arose with a duplicate horn-
    Astarte's bediamonded crescent
    Distinct with its duplicate horn.

    And I said–"She is warmer than Dian:
    She rolls through an ether of sighs-
    She revels in a region of sighs:
    She has seen that the tears are not dry on
    These cheeks, where the worm never dies,
    And has come past the stars of the Lion,
    To point us the path to the skies-
    To the Lethean peace of the skies-
    Come up, in despite of the Lion,
    To shine on us with her bright eyes-
    Come up through the lair of the Lion,
    With love in her luminous eyes."

    But Psyche, uplifting her finger,
    Said–"Sadly this star I mistrust-
    Her pallor I strangely mistrust:-
    Oh, hasten!–oh, let us not linger!
    Oh, fly!–let us fly!–for we must."
    In terror she spoke, letting sink her
    Wings until they trailed in the dust-
    In agony sobbed, letting sink her
    Plumes till they trailed in the dust-
    Till they sorrowfully trailed in the dust.

    I replied–"This is nothing but dreaming:
    Let us on by this tremulous light!
    Let us bathe in this crystalline light!
    Its Sybilic splendor is beaming
    With Hope and in Beauty to-night:-
    See!–it flickers up the sky through the night!
    Ah, we safely may trust to its gleaming,
    And be sure it will lead us aright-
    We safely may trust to a gleaming
    That cannot but guide us aright,
    Since it flickers up to Heaven through the night."

    Thus I pacified Psyche and kissed her,
    And tempted her out of her gloom-
    And conquered her scruples and gloom;
    And we passed to the end of the vista,
    But were stopped by the door of a tomb-
    By the door of a legended tomb;
    And I said–"What is written, sweet sister,
    On the door of this legended tomb?"
    She replied–"Ulalume–Ulalume-
    'Tis the vault of thy lost Ulalume!"

    Then my heart it grew ashen and sober
    As the leaves that were crisped and sere-
    As the leaves that were withering and sere-
    And I cried–"It was surely October
    On this very night of last year
    That I journeyed–I journeyed down here-
    That I brought a dread burden down here-
    On this night of all nights in the year,
    Ah, what demon has tempted me here?
    Well I know, now, this dim lake of Auber-
    This misty mid region of Weir-
    Well I know, now, this dank tarn of Auber,
    This ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir."

    Said we then, the two then,
    "Ah, can it have been
    That the woodlandish ghouls,
    The pitiful, the merciful ghouls,
    To bar up our way and to ban it
    From the secret that lies in these wolds,
    From the thing that lies hidden in these wolds,
    Have drawn up the spectre of a planet
    From the limbo of lunary souls,
    This sinfully scintillant planet
    From the Hell of the planetary souls..."

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!

ghost movie picks..

  • not necessarily in this order:
    1 Dead Man
    2 Notorious
    3 Bringing Up Baby
    4 It’s a Wonderful Life
    5 A.I.
    6 Pink Floyd/The Wall
    7 The City of Lost Children
    8 Orphans (Matthew Modine)
    9 The Effect of Gamma Rays on 
    Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds
    10 The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
    11 The Curse of the Cat People
    12 Pirates of the Caribbean 1, 2 & 3 
    13 Jan Svankmejer’s Alice
    14 Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
    15 Sybil
    16 Edward Scissorhands
    17 The Nightmare Before Christmas
    18 A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
    19 An Angel at My Table
    20 Rear Window
    21 The Wizard of Oz
    22 Oliver!
    23 King Kong (original)
    24 Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey
    25 Titus
    26 The Swimmer
    27 Monty Python & the Holy Grail
    28 Sergeant York
    29 A Streetcar Named Desire
    30 The Little Princess  (original)
    31 Immortal Beloved
    32 Life & Death
    33 The Little Fugitive
    34 Willy Wonka (both)
    35 Endless Summer
    36 Dead Poets Society
    37 Silence of the Lambs
    38 Instinct
    39 Sleepy Hollow
    40 Pollock
    41 Days of Wine & Roses
    42 Something Wicked This Way 
    43 James & the Giant Peach
    44 Lemony Snickett’s Series of 
    Unfortunate Events 
    45 The Shining (original)
    46 Harold & Maude
    47 Psycho
    48 The Road to Utopia (& others!)
    49 Monkey Business (Cary Grant)
    50 North By Northwest
    51 Spider Baby
    52 Golden Earrings
    53 The Miracle Worker
    54 The Neverending Story
    55 A Clockwork Orange
    56 Clash of the Titans
    57 The Outsiders
    58 Benny &Joon
    59 The Whisperers
    60 Angela’s Ashes
    61 Willow
    62 Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
    63 Polyester
    64 Scrooged
    65 Groundhog Day
    66 PeeWee’s Big Adventure
    67 The African Queen
    68 Victor/Victoria
    69 The Others
    70 From Hell
    71 Dreamchild
    72 The Paleface
    73 Another Woman
    74 Warlock
    75 Fanny & Alexander
    76 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
    77 Duel
    78 A Girl Named Sooner
    79 A Christmas Story
    80 Return to Oz
    81 Harry Potter (movies)
    82 Van Helsing 
    83 Don’t Look in the Basement
    84 Toy Story
    85 The Court Jester
    86 Murder, He Says
    87 Indiscreet
    88 Creepshow
    89 Mr Smith Goes to Washington
    90 Harvey
    91 Brainstorm
    92 Ed Wood
    93 Defending Your Life
    94 The Bells of St. Mary’s
    95 Going My Way
    96 This Property is Condemned
    97 Rebel Without a Cause
    98 Labyrinth
    99 Jabberwocky
    100 Cheech & Chong’s Nice Dreams
    101 Gone With the Wind
    102 6th Sense
    103 To Kill a Mockingbird
    104 Troll
    105 Small Soldiers
    106 Jumanji
    107 Mrs. Doubtfire
    108 Gaslight
    109 Take the Money and Run
    110 The Old Man and the Sea
    111 Hocus Pocus
    112 Witches
    113 Casablanca
    114 What About Bob
    115 The Godfather
    116 The Deer Hunter
    117 Raiders of the Lost Ark
    118 Greystoke: Legend of Tarzan
    119 Monty Python’s Meaning of Life 
    120 Eraserhead
    121 Arsenic & Old Lace
    122 Motel Hell
    123 Dial M for Murder
    124 The Other
    125 The Chronicles of Narnia
    126 Napoleon Dynamite
    127 SOB
    128 The Secret Garden
    129 Apocalypse Now
    130 Hide & Seek
    131 Eternal Sunshine Spotless Mind
    132 The Abandoned
    133 Pan's Labyrinth
    134 Kafka
    135 One Hour Photo
    136 Jack the Bear
    137 Fur: Diane Arbus
    138 Unforgiven
    139 Dances With Wolves
    140 Alice in Wonderland 2010
    141 True Grit (2010)
    142 The Wolfman (original & new)
    143 Universal Monsters (originals)
    144 The Road
    145 The Woman in Black
    146 Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
    147 Dark Shadows
    148 The Yellow Wallpaper
    149 Paranorman
    150 The Hobbit (all)
    151 Frankenweenie
    152 Oz the Great & Powerful
    153 The Raven 2012
    154 Snow White & the Huntsman
    155 The Elephant Man
    156 Hugo
    157 Rabbit-Proof Fence
    158 Mama
    159 My Side of the Mountain 1969
    160 Maleficent
    161 God Bless Ozzy (bio)
    162 The Book Thief
    163 Wakefield
    Gumby Adventures (original & new)
    The Twilight Zone episodes (original)
    The Outer Limits (original)
    The Night Gallery
    Davey & Goliath
    Mr Rogers Neighborhood
    Sesame Street (pre elmo!)
    Little House on the Prairie
    Monty Python’s Flying Circus
    Mystery Science Theater 3000
    Good Neighbors
    The Rockford Files
    Fawlty Towers
    Ripping Yarns
    Metamorphosis (play) 
    The Glass Menegerie(play)
    Death of a Salesman(play)
    Absurd Person Singular(play)
    I, Claudius (miniseries)
    The Chronicles of Narnia (miniseries)
    Merlin (miniseries)
    The Snowman (animated)
    The Selfish Giant (animated)
    Prokofiev's Peter & the Wolf 2006
    Secret of Kells (animated)
    Yellow Submarine (animated)
    Watership Down (animated)
    Peter Rabbit & Friends (animated)
    Frog & Toad (animated)
    Dr Seuss (animated shows)
    Kroft shows (Land of the Lost, etc…)
    Peanuts (animated shows)
    Felix the Cat (animated cartoons)
    The Oblongs (animated)
    The Addams Family (original series)
    The Munsters (original series)
    The Phantom Creeps (serial)
    Bill & Coo (live bird show)
    The Sopranos (series)
    Biggest Loser (series)
    All Rankin/Bass shows (Mad Monster
    Party, Daydreamer etc)
    Little Rascals/Our Gang comedies 
    Deadwood (series)
    Secrets of the Dead (series)
    Mantracker (series)
    Dual Survival (original series)
    Estate of Panic (series)
    Criminal Minds (series)
    Two Fat Ladies (series)
    History Detectives (series)
    Oregon Field Guide (series)
    Once Upon a Time (both series)
    Oddities (series)
    Odd Folks Home (series)
    The Incredible Dr Pol (series)
    Colbert Report (series)
    Bates Motel (series)
    Hannibal (series)
    Longmire (series)
    Treehouse Masters (series)
    The Blacklist (series)
    Life Below Zero (series)
    Sleepy Hollow (series)
    Dracula (series)
    Portlandia (series)
    The Walking Dead (series)
    Breaking Bad (series)
    Alaska: the Last Frontier (series)
    American Horror Story (series)
    Salem (series)
    Penny Dreadful (series)
    Chronicles of Lizzie Borden (series)
    Grimm (series)
    Fear of the Walking Dead (series)
    The Killing (series)
    The Fall (series)


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved


  • lunacy..
  • the happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations...