it's been a long time since i've talked to anyone about adult insecure attachment. that's what i live with i believe.. i test to be the fearful-avoidant style, but i've come to realize how preoccupied & disorganized i must be as well. this was not anything i talked about in my many many years of therapy as it was just becoming better understood right as i left therapy for the last time, but i always knew i was just like harlow's distressed little monkeys.
i was 10 or so when i had my first conscious awareness of my ocd (although i didn't know
it was called this) & something else.. something even more basic to my survival, that i had
this need to find a guide in this life, a parent, an older sister, a mentor, a teacher, a friend,
somebody to rely on since i'd never had this in my life before. i won't rehash the story of my
childhood & the circumstances which brought that about, i already wrote an entire book about it (see down in the left sidebar) & you'd have to just take my word for it, it was what psychologists have told me is 'one for the books..' the situation was a perfect setup for me to be insecurely attached, & the kind of lifestyle i grew up in only continued the trauma & worsened my predicament. i spent my childhood in a blessed state of dissociation, a gift from god to protect little children who have nothing else to provide emotional comfort or safety, a gift from god that can eventually turn into a dark night of the soul.
so although i excelled in school & was told i could do anything i wanted to do in life, in fact
i left just as soon as i could & holed up in agoraphobic isolation the moment i could get away. i married & had a son, & thank god began reading john bradshaw right at the time so that my eyes were opened as i set about being a parent myself. i nicknamed my inner child 'toxic' at that time.. (straight from bradshaw) anyway that was when i first started trying to help myself & began some therapy. at first therapy was hard & didn't really help, but all the same i attached to the male psychologist i saw then as if he were the dad i never had. that was brutal because he really couldn't have cared less about my care as far as i could tell, so i was just repeating a painful situation.
i have had a lifetime of gi problems & have been on every stomach med imagineable, one called reglan turned out to be a total nightmare that took forever to figure out. it messed up my metabolism so bad & caused crippling depression, which sent me back to a psychiatrist who tried me on ssris & more tranquilizers, which i'd gotten used to being prescribed to me routinely, no matter how i'd try to get off of them. that year was such a black hole nightmare to try to survive through & when a dr finally figured out what was going on i stopped the meds entirely & quit therapy too. it was like coming back to life in one way, but i then seemed to have worse health issues like migraines with aura, tmj/tmd (or what i think is a kind of mild td from the black-boxed reglan) & the onset of an eating disorder.
eventually the eating disorder forced me back into therapy. it still didn't help. emdr was traumatic, supposedly safe, but i learned it shouldn't be used with dissociatives like myself. i became convinced that others were trying to get rid of toxic just the way my mom had tried once.. very very terrifying. i swore to protect her above all else no matter what anyone else & so-called pros said, as always i had to take care of myself based on my life experiences & my own reading & not trust anyone over that. although i had learned something from each attempt at therapy i never felt trust. i went to several other psychologists & therapists at that point until i finally found what i thought was a better match.
at first this therapy was very positive. i believe now that the hope i felt for the first year or so is what allowed me to improve, the hope that i found someone i could trust. i came back from the brink in many ways & gained back ground i had lost in the years before. but testing my therapist proved disappointing. as much as i liked her & thought she wanted to help me, eventually i came to the conclusion that she just really didn't understand me or know how to help me. & then that led into thinking she just wasn't inclined to want to try to help me. in other words all my insecure attachment issues came forward to thwart me, & i was so dissociated through the process that i could never actually be emotionally present no matter how hard i tried to be, something that i think must have frustrated her completely. i became more & more self injurious & self destructive in my disappointment in myself & in her. but i kept trying. it went on for more than 5 years. at some point my inability to cope with therapy & my family of origin drove me back into drinking, something i thought i was done with a decade or more before. it was just far too painful to be in my own skin, (or what i believe to be my lack of skin) that i got through it by being anesthetized to the point of alcohol amnesia just to keep the attachment of someone who would be there at the end of an email when i really needed her.
i was frustrated with her bringing up meds as i'd made it clear from the start i wasn't going there
again. i'd become so used to the prozactive atmosphere that i couldn't bear to lose the one person i hoped i might be able to trust to not push that on me, it made me sick as a dog anyway, so what was the point? and so trust was not really achieved. she couldn't trust me & my clouded judgment & i couldn't trust someone who couldn't trust me, that just made no sense because it's like treating someone you really don't know, & so it deteriorated rather badly. when the opportunity to move far away up to portland as we'd always dreamed became possible, i left therapy behind me just like my family of origin, thinking at that point i was so far gone i'd probably die soon anyway. i guess you have to be sort of suicidal to leave behind everything you've ever known that way & jump off into the unfamiliar, but it also felt like i was just possibly saving my life.
so into another self imposed isolation i went, & after learning how my heart literally had been damaged from it all i settled into a self protective mode of practicing taking care of myself, how novel. this took me years to learn. i only look back now at the brutal self-loathing & self destructiveness & can see how horrible & reckless that was. at the time it was all i knew. i never want to return to that state, & i have learned to love and embrace toxic in all her aspects in a way i never imagined i could do. in fact if it weren't for her i wouldn't have joy in my life, & she has her hand in all my expressionist creative art projects, which is our therapy, along with our perfect therapy cats. but i won't lie, the insecure attachment issue has never gone away in my lifetime so far. i work around the edges of a crater. all the meditations & relaxation exercises in the world meant to help my anxiety haven't touched the insecurity that is at its root, i needed to trust myself when i told myself that it would be ok, i would look out for toxic. self-soothing was what i needed to learn. empty exercises meant little & only invalidated what i was really experiencing in my body & mind. it was always about trust.
for a couple of years i ran a support forum for other adults i'd met with similar insecure attachment issues as i'd hoped we'd be able to support each other in a way that our therapists could not. i learned so much from listening to others with similar stories. but i still felt attached to my old therapist & many times just wished i could email her again when i needed to. i knew leaving the therapist i'd attached to would be incredibly hard for me, but at least i felt ok with it in one way, if i had to attach to someone at least it was someone i genuinely did like & respect, someone alot more pallatable than others before.. i had trusted her just a little bit, so i could live with that being in my head if necessary..
but why couldn't my insecurely attached friends and i be enough of a support for each other? i mean, in a way that a therapist cannot, since we do not have 30 other people who need our ear, & we don't have the frame of therapy there placing a boundary on us in the same way. i felt like we deserve better than being dependent on these well paid for figures, who by their own rules place such painful limitations on the relationship. isn't it just the same as having love withheld from us the way we experienced in our own early lives? even the best intentioned therapist can't be a substitute. i understand they have expertise & knowledge we laypeople may not, but we well-read folk are at least an improvement from our parents & we can be real. all the insight & awareness that can be gained through therapy still seems to fall short of having the power to really heal, & i've come to believe the whole basis for cognitive behavioral therapy is flawed, leaving it undermining & inevitably invalidating. true we regular folk are just as apt to disappoint & make mistakes as anyone else, but i've come to wonder whether therapy really can even ever help us, you know? or is it just reopening the same wounds ad infinitum & keeping us miserable? is it even more harm than good with some of us?
i know saying this would upset & depress many of my insecurely attached friends, but after my years of isolation my only enlightenment has been that i don't believe therapy is ever enough, just like dedicated friends may never be enough. the loss we've suffered runs so deep as to be unhealable really. but we must still try to have the most quality of life we possibly can. i still read what i can on this subject where i can find it. i have not returned to therapy although at times when i feel dreadfully bad i think about it. but i talk myself out of it. it's so hard to find someone really experienced with this subject. sometimes the ones really experienced with it are the ones going through it. (also who can afford it?) is it just my avoidance that talks me out of it, the way i left therapy the last time? or is it actually my resolve to take better care of myself & toxic that makes the decision, (also the way i left therapy the last time..) something to ponder. i don't think isolation is the answer. so much goes forever unresolved & no amount of going through the pain ever seems to lead out of it in the end.. i want better for us than this, but right now i don't know the answer.
is there anybody out there still haunting like me that has any thoughts?
bren/ghost
(& toxic)
p.s. i realize i am a scary invisible ghost that noone wants to see or hear..
*crickets..*
well afterall it is a ghost blog..
Posted by: ghost | December 18, 2014 at 01:47 PM
i'm having a difficult time right now.. the fact that i've so isolated myself into such a reclusive corner is not helping me. i've posted a comment or two here in my ghostblog along those lines already this winter. but it's become worse right now because my sister is dying. or i guess i should say dead..? actually she's lying in a hospital down in socal with little to no brain activity on a ventilator machine after having a heart attack on new year's eve. they found her on the floor & she'd been there too long with not enough oxygen to her brain. it's been days with her in this limbo & i'm experiencing bad insecurity & can't sleep, among other things.. over the last few years i have tried to repair connections to some of my family members without much result, but now this is opening up old wounds for everyone, as we've all sort of held our breath for decades over my mentally ill sister.. her long struggle with the devastation of schizophrenia is finally over & it's suddenly clear all that we have been carrying around with us emotionally. i'm not used to interaction with my family & although it's good to try to make repairs in our estranged relationships, it is all feeling overwhelming to me. i had just sent her my usual xmas care box..
Posted by: ghost | January 08, 2015 at 09:50 PM
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/theladies.html
here we all are many years ago..
cathy is the blond one on the left, then there's my mom, me, my sister caren, & my grandma vira & great grandma barbre..
(sorry for the glass reflection..)
Posted by: ghost | January 09, 2015 at 09:23 AM
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgallerytoxicwasherealbum.html
love you, cath ~
Posted by: ghost | January 10, 2015 at 10:31 AM
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/clic-paint-ink-by-toxics-older-sister-before-she-got-too-sick.html
it was my sister cathy who first got me interested in art as a child, now i have my own gallery..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/warning1.htm
Posted by: ghost | January 11, 2015 at 10:38 AM
my sister wrote me this letter right when she was starting to become sick with schizophrenia, i think it was a goodbye..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/antiqueautobiography.jpg
Posted by: ghost | January 12, 2015 at 10:59 AM
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/visiting-cathy.html
remembering cathy..
Posted by: ghost | January 13, 2015 at 10:01 AM
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/carter-kids.html
us as kids..
(here in oregon we have death with dignity laws so this sort of thing doesn't drag on this way..)
Posted by: ghost | January 14, 2015 at 10:00 AM
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/1972.html
1972..
Posted by: ghost | January 15, 2015 at 10:29 AM
my sister truly lies in the valley of the shadow of death..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/pool.png
hard days for me right now.. i wish i had someone to talk to, but my feelings are only with me when i'm alone, like they occur in a darkroom where they sharpen into painful definition, once people are around me i'm overexposed & i disappear in an instant..
Posted by: ghost | January 16, 2015 at 11:55 AM
goodbye letter..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/goodbyeletter.png
Posted by: ghost | January 17, 2015 at 09:48 AM
knott's berry farm 1971..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/birthday-6.html
Posted by: ghost | January 18, 2015 at 11:23 AM
xmas 1968..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/christmas-1968.html
Posted by: ghost | January 19, 2015 at 09:54 AM
us as kids again..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/the-middle-child...html
Posted by: ghost | January 20, 2015 at 09:44 AM
it's been 2 weeks & i'm not hearing any news from my family..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/siblings.html
Posted by: ghost | January 21, 2015 at 10:33 AM
a long time ago..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/toxic_was_here/japanesedeerpark.html
Posted by: ghost | January 22, 2015 at 09:52 AM
a secret film..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/a%20secret%20film.wmv
Posted by: ghost | January 23, 2015 at 12:00 PM
my sister taught me how to play guitar when i was a kid, she was always playing songs, writing her own songs that i still remember.. they were as good as any i heard on the radio..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%201963.png
sadly the only picture i have of her playing is this one from 1963 when she got her first guitar..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/back_in_cali/bren-guitar.html
Posted by: ghost | January 24, 2015 at 09:49 AM
1989..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/1989.png
Posted by: ghost | January 25, 2015 at 09:45 AM
cathy's first halloween..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/1957%20halloween.png
Posted by: ghost | January 26, 2015 at 09:25 AM
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cath.png
1971..
Posted by: ghost | January 28, 2015 at 11:57 AM
over 3 weeks now & my sister has been transferred to another facility.. how long does this go on? i hate seeing pix of my sister lying in this limbo hooked up to tubes & wires & ivs..
Posted by: ghost | January 29, 2015 at 10:14 AM
cathy's dollhouse..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy's%20dollhouse.png
my dad made it for her in 1958..
Posted by: ghost | January 30, 2015 at 08:01 AM
cathy & daniel..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20&%20daniel.png
when my son was little my sister used to walk to come see him almost every day, i think it helped her stay relatively well for that year or so.. i'm so glad he got to know his aunt cathy..
Posted by: ghost | January 31, 2015 at 10:37 AM
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy.png
despite everything my sister had a great sense of humor..
Posted by: ghost | February 01, 2015 at 03:42 PM
1960..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%201960.png
Posted by: ghost | February 02, 2015 at 10:37 AM
daniel, aunt cathy & gumby..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20dan%20&%20gumby.png
Posted by: ghost | February 03, 2015 at 08:09 AM
my sisters & our uncle's ice-cream truck..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/ice%20cream%20truck.png
Posted by: ghost | February 04, 2015 at 08:02 AM
Hi, I read your post and I have been living with similar circumstances my whole life. And I'm in turmoil now as my therapist prepares to go on maternity leave and my feelings of abandonment and insecurity are raging. And I lost trust in her, and doubt she cares, and think she's probably fed up with me, and on and on and on.
I'm self injuring again after 16 years, and I'm suicidal, and I'm beginning to regret ever starting therapy because of the reasons you mentioned.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency.
Posted by: JustMeTina | February 04, 2015 at 05:12 PM
hi tina,
thanks for reading my post, i used to belong to several forums for us AD folk & we'd all talk here in the comments but everyone has drifted away or gone to facebook maybe? the forums have all gone..
i'm sorry you share the same predicament & i really relate to the suicidality & self injury.. i've been si free i think about 7 years now, i think of it as nature's last ditch way of self soothing, when we've just become way too overwhelmed without support or other ways to cope.. the feeling of abandonment you spoke of must have seriously triggered you?
i may be very avoidant style because i also felt like my t was probably just getting more & more tired of even dealing with me until it seemed like the only way of redeeming myself would be to leave entirely. only alone did i ever build back up any self esteem, but it is brutal.. i never did bring up all these things in therapy because i really didn't trust enough to be that open, plus who wants to be in such a vulnerable position of needing people who (once again) do not really care.. i'm not sure the pros have this attachment problem really figured out yet.. like i posted, how do we know if it truly is good for us to go through years of expensive therapy, putting ourselves through so much agony, not knowing if it ever does get any better.. i wish i had answers..
my one great success personally is that after a lifetime of suicidality i truly do not want to die anymore.. i do want out of pain, but not at the expense of my life..
take care & feel free to comment here anytime..
bren
p.s. over in the left sidebar are some si support forums as well if you're interested, i used to go to them regularly..
Posted by: ghost | February 05, 2015 at 08:30 AM
thinking about cathy ~
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/bren%20&%20cath.png
Posted by: ghost | February 05, 2015 at 08:41 AM
cathy birthday ~
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathybday.png
Posted by: ghost | February 06, 2015 at 08:24 AM
cathy & baby b..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20&%20baby%20b.png
Posted by: ghost | February 07, 2015 at 09:23 AM
cathy 1985 with kitties..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/1986.png
Posted by: ghost | February 08, 2015 at 10:42 AM
my sisters & their dolls..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/dollies.png
Posted by: ghost | February 09, 2015 at 07:57 AM
cathy at my 5th bday party..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/bren5bdayx.png
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/bren5bday.png
Posted by: ghost | February 10, 2015 at 08:02 AM
xmas 1966 ~ cathy, caren & bren..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/xmas%201966.png
Posted by: ghost | February 11, 2015 at 08:18 AM
my sister caren is flying to socal to get answers soon..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathyxmas.png
Posted by: ghost | February 12, 2015 at 08:09 AM
a family picture..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/everyone.png
Posted by: ghost | February 13, 2015 at 09:00 AM
a vintage valentine..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20valentine.png
Posted by: ghost | February 14, 2015 at 10:12 AM
cathy..
today my parents, sister & nieces visited cathy.. they painted her nails, put a pretty cross bracelet on her wrist & told her we love her.. we as a family all agree this is no quality of life & have made our feelings known to the court, now the drs will make their decision..
i'm sure she's out of that uncomfortable body already & hanging around watching us all ;)
Posted by: ghost | February 17, 2015 at 06:14 PM
psychcentral forum..
http://forums.psychcentral.com/grief-loss/376714-losing-my-mentally-ill-sister.html#post4288022
Posted by: ghost | February 19, 2015 at 10:00 AM
cathy ~
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20nails.png
she's been in this state for nearly 2 months now..
:(
Posted by: ghost | March 01, 2015 at 12:47 PM
cathy..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cathy%20stables.png
my sisters spent alot of time at the stables..
Posted by: ghost | March 03, 2015 at 08:23 AM
cathy & brenda..
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/cath%20&%20%20bren%20x.png
soft focus is because some of these pix are ripped from old home movies, which i fortunately have a ton of..
Posted by: ghost | March 04, 2015 at 07:59 AM
my sister seems to be only a number in the state's system..
Posted by: ghost | March 30, 2015 at 05:20 PM
goodbye little miss muffin..
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/lost_found_vintage_toys/2015/03/m.html
since these comments have become a sort of memorial ~
after more than a year with ibd & what we now know was lymphoma we had to say goodbye to another one of our sweet kitties yesterday.. she had become so frail & sick & was near organ failure.. my son & i are super sensitive but cerebral & partition ourselves emotionally, thinking we are preparing ourselves.. imagining we are prepared.. until it hits & then we're wrecks.. (or i am.. grief hurts, i am not emotionally sturdy.. my chest felt so tight i felt like i couldn't breathe..) but now we are all so relieved for her, no more pain, no more getting injections at the vet, the worry & exhaustion around the clock were taking more of a toll on me than i'd realized..
but even sick she was our hello kitty.. whenever anyone came home she'd get up from whatever cozy spot she was in & sit at the top of the stairs to meow/greet us.. anytime, not just for food or anything.. she was the most loving kitty anyone could ever know.. as a kitten we thought she was a boy because she looks so much like her dad, we named her arthur after him, & when we found out she was just a tough little girl kitty we named her the most feminine name we could think of to make up for our mistake, miette.. it's hard counting to 5 now when we count our kitties (me & daniel are both ocd & count them whenever anyone comes & goes just to make sure noone slips out into the cold..) she was just shy of 14 years old.. we will all miss her so much.. words are too small..
Posted by: ghost | April 01, 2015 at 09:38 AM
it's been more than 3 months now & i feel so surreally removed..
i found this valentine on an old post at my toy blog :)
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/.a/6a00d834525fe869e2017d40e174cc970c-pi
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/.a/6a00d834525fe869e2017ee85638de970d-pi
she was a good sister..
Posted by: ghost | April 07, 2015 at 03:20 PM
save our souls
http://friendlyghost.typepad.com/photos/a_mouthfull_of_razorblade/save-our-souls.html
Posted by: ghost | April 21, 2015 at 09:25 AM
over 4 months now ~
& my sister still lies there braindead coughing reflexively on her trach tube :(
she was recently moved again to la & each time she's moved the paperwork starts all over again with the courts, so says the social worker.. it seems even in death we are caught up in red tape..
Posted by: ghost | May 14, 2015 at 11:43 AM
i can't believe i'm still counting the months this way... 5 now :(
Posted by: ghost | June 03, 2015 at 09:34 AM
6 months ~ & i hear nothing from anyone..
Posted by: ghost | July 06, 2015 at 03:35 PM
my sister found out that the state would simply cremate cathy along with multiple others & dispose of her if left to them, so we're making plans for final arrangements, we think she should be back in ravenwood with our grandmothers & other family..
Posted by: ghost | August 16, 2015 at 11:15 AM
it's autumn now..
at night i think of cathy lying there after all this time.. is she gone, is she still in there? is she aware somewhere.. is she asleep & can she dream? stuck in limbo bound here.. as i mentioned here in oregon we have death with dignity laws, & the 3 of us here have advanced directives as well.. if i'm ever in such a dark place, someone please pull the fucking plug & let me go.
Posted by: ghost | September 18, 2015 at 04:04 PM
it' almost halloween, usually a fun time for me.. honestly i just don't know what to say anymore about my sister.. she's just been left in this state & ignored.. i had no trust before, but this only cements it for me.
Posted by: brenda roudebush | October 27, 2015 at 04:55 PM
today is cathy's 59th birthday.. & in a week it will be one year since the heart attack :(
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghost%20reflections.html
Posted by: ghost | December 23, 2015 at 09:59 AM
i'll be here to see that you don't fade away..
Posted by: ghost | March 06, 2016 at 09:17 AM
today is cathy's 60th birthday. in a couple weeks it will be 2 years with her lying there choking. my worst nightmare. the drs hide when my other sister makes the trip to try to get them to sign the dnr & the social worker does nothing, along with the facility maintaining her probably making income off this unconscionable situation. never trust drs. never trust.
Posted by: ghost | December 23, 2016 at 10:37 AM
i've stopped hearing from my estranged mother.. we used to write..
& i'm terrified now thinking of something called 'locked in syndrome'..
Posted by: ghost | June 01, 2018 at 09:36 AM
new year's eve will mark 5 years of cathy being in this bound state, but i just heard from our other sister that the dnr is at least now in place.. my dad is passed now.. & i saw a recent picture of my mom & didn't even recognize her.. when the time comes their ashes will all go together to ravenwood..
clic (sound up) for my sister:
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/ghostgalleryclic.html
Posted by: ghost | December 26, 2019 at 10:15 AM
#inmemory #timemachine #infj #mentalillness #sisters #family in our time machine watching old home movies, remembering cathy & my folks.. we use to joke about cathy's 'crazy' laugh.. i realize i have it too, that's just fine. & as i get older i see my hands now look like my mom's..
Posted by: ghost | August 19, 2020 at 10:33 AM
we lost mom on the pink moon back in april.. :(
today is cathy's birthday, it'll be 6 years on new year's eve, of her lying there..
please god let her cross over..
Posted by: ghost | December 23, 2020 at 02:26 PM
Oh Bren, I'm so sorry that I didn't know what you were/are going through. =( When you mentioned you were having a bad week too, and we talked to each other on your toy blog, I didn't want to push it and ask you about it if you weren't ready to talk about it or want people to know what it was yet or at all. I'm so happy that you have little Alice to comfort you right now. I'm SO sorry you've had, and are enduring, so much pain in your life. I will pray that Cathy will be able to be set free.... And I'll continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers that have usually been focused on your physical struggles. I will pray for healing for your total being, your mind, body and soul. Mental and emotional and spiritual health all effect the physical health of us and I'm sorry that I didn't realize how much you still struggle and deal with that pain too. Sending my love to you and Toxic. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Posted by: Sally | December 28, 2021 at 04:55 AM
thank you again for all your kindness sally <3<3<3
Posted by: ghost | December 28, 2021 at 09:38 AM