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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

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  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

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this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« from the limbo of lunary souls | Main | some thoughts on adult insecure attachment.. »

April 15, 2014


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song for the day is from midlake ~

rulers, ruling all things

i have been cruel & kind
without knowing
i fell into silence
overwhelmed by these days
for i have been shown empty rulers
ruling all things
thinking the world was mine
to lay hold of
i breathed in
the promise of maiden & man
but each had their own illusions
to hold onto
i only want
to be left to my own ways
the rulers have won
leaving all things undone
i've stood in awe
of the whole creation
gathered among them is
the morning giving all its rest
thinking the world was mine
to be lost in
i ran with the freedom
& sang in between
for i had the path of wonder
there before me
i only want
to be left to my own ways
the rulers have won
leaving all things undone
i've stood in awe of
the whole creation
gathered among them was
the morning giving all its rest
i only want to be left to
my own ways..


midlake again ~

i untied all the ropelines
i gathered our things
& placed them beside me
you never arrived
& i got worried
you never arrived
& i was troubled
but you were bound to leave
& so i crumbled
you should steer
the seats are warm
on this boat
come on & hurry
move your feet
down the shore
that winter had a hold on
& we'll pass by
for the last time
we'll pass by
for the last time..

h. lecter

our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real.. ~ h. lecter


school shooting today at the high school where my son graduated not so long ago.. parents & students all reuniting in our local fred meyer supermarket parking lot, unbelievable.. what is it going to take before we have better gun control laws?


really good talk here regarding the often excruciating experience of therapy for those of us who are insecurely attached..


roses are dead
violets are food
i am insane
& i am too..


when i look at how people really are i am relieved to count myself among the freaks & outcasts..
remember the dolly for sue, not all the misfits are apparent..


hey it's halloween..

seawolf again ~

dear fellow traveler
under the moon
i saw you standin' in the shadows
& your eyes were blue
you put your hand out
opened the door
you said come with me boy
i want to show you something more
you spoke my language
& touched my limbs
it wasn't difficult to pull me
from myself again
& in our travels
we found a rose
you held it like a mirror
showing me the life i chose
& i'll return to my beautiful city
black skies changed into blue
& my love is so wise & so pretty
but some nights i still
dream of you..
dear fellow traveler
under the moon
i think i'm growing weary
& i'm hopin' you'll come soon
& if i see you in clean new clothes
i hope you'll hold the mirror up
to show me what i chose
& i'll return to my beautiful city
black skies changed into blue
& though my love is so wise & so pretty
some nights i'll still
dream of you..
& i know you're out there
in the shadows
i know you're out there
in the shadows
i know you're out there
in the shadows..
dear fellow traveler
underneath the moon..


& toxic


we've been hit here in portland with our first snow & ice of the season with fierce east winds from the gorge blowing the tall fir trees surrounding our house. at night i pray for our trees the way i do for my kitties & loved ones..

new projects from toxic ~


winter is here & although i love the cold & i'm accustomed to my solitary life with just my guys & kitties, this time the isolation is feeling rather intense. it's too freezing to venture out in the east wind, even the toyroom downstairs is too cold to spend much time in. i have sick & fragile old lady kitties to take care of & to keep warm. i'm not so different from them.. i have no other connections.

the trees are swaying..

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cat girl

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Plague dr
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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
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  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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