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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« snowmiser.. | Main | blood moon »

October 13, 2011


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day 6

much better now ~

it seems snug is also a vampire..

btw ~ i've spent a long lifetime with more kitties than you could count and this is the only time i've ever been bit & it was my fault, not snug's, she's the goodest and never ever causes any trouble. our girl kitties get incredibly upset whenever they see possums & raccoons & strange male kitties outside their window and snug in particular literally meowscreams she gets so distraught, so trying to move her out of the window at such a time was my misjudgment. she attacked my arm so fast, like she thought some animal was touching her. my bad. i forgive her completely..

some of my disneyland haunted mansion footage was used in a recent documentary about theme park attractions..
look for the dvd coming soon here ~

(we are the 999!)


the song for the day is from sea wolf ~

song for the dead

awake without warning
the black of the morning
all shimmery jewels
from the voice of a fool
echoes through the halls
of the building
he built in her place

he'll shake through the winter
and dream of her mister
the picture he drew her
resembled her sister
oh how the wind
can pull you in
or push you away

a comma of silence
relieves all the violence
you've dragged into bed
with the sheets soaking red
it's a glimmer of light
through a prism
let's call it a truce

with your beautiful hair
so displayed on the chair
and your head on the arm
and your legs in the air
and the words dancing out
from your lips
like a sad ballet

now move like a tiger
into the thicket
claws in the dirt
you'll sing like a cricket
song of the mystery
song of the system
song for the guilty
song for the living
song for the dead

you'll move like a tiger
into the thicket
claws in the dirt
you'll sing like a cricket
long for the mystery
long for the system
long for the guilty
long for the living
move like a tiger
into the thicket
claws in the dirt
you'll sing like a cricket
song for the mystery
song for the system
song for the guilty
song for the living
song for the dead
song for the dead
song for...


2 weeks of migraine X
i'm so bloody sick of my pain & sickdays..

lyrics for october ~

black leaf falls ~

it weighs too much this time
my hands are broken
she'll disappear again
before we've spoken
the night we took that year
in black leaf falls
all of the trees were bare
next to the dance hall

her perfume was so
i smell it still
i put her leaf upon
the window sill
i found it there today
its color gone
it's in the water now
it's been too too long

i'll fall asleep tonight
see where they take me
fly with the maple seeds
see if she wakes me

i saw you outside
the bathroom stalls
you were just standing there
out in the hall
you turned your eyes to me
i felt it all
i'd love you anywhere
but black leaf falls
oh black leaf falls

the rose captain ~

this part's for my love of old
how the rose in your heart you hold
still all the water in your wells won't make it grow

oh the call of the nightingale
how i love thee 'neath the ghostly sails
we move like gypsies 'neath the mist and beneath the gloom

oh how the river flows
under the ice and snow
the keeper of the flame
the rose captain knows my name
his perfume breath i breathed
for you my dear, my love will never leave

this part's for my love of new
how the bulbs in my heart are true
they send their shoots through my fingers into your bones

oh the call of the collared dove
how i long to be your one true love
we'll move like gypsies 'neath the stars and beneath the moon

oh how the river flows
under the ice and snow
the keeper of the flame
the rose captain knows our names
his perfume breath we breathed
for you my dear, my love will never leave

oh the rose captain knows
knows our names
oh the rose captain knows
he knows our names..


more sea wolf ~

winter windows ~

there is a man inside a room
in the forest
he sits alone upon the chair
his father left him
in the dark, in the dark,
in the dark with the radio on

the voice crackles when it says
that god will save you
he will take you from
the lonely life you're living
if you give, if you give,
if you give up on what you want

the man stands and pours himself
another bourbon
he stops and watches the birds
through the winter windows
and the light, and the light
from the morning dew

"i thought i love you
and our love would be forever
how could i hit you,
the only one who ever loved me?"
said the man, said the man
to his shadow

as a boy he was taught
he was the bad one
one the good, he the other,
the protector
he will walk, he will walk,
he will walk into the river

sixty years held down
by his brother
ten years with the ghost
of his father
and five years since he spoke,
since he spoke to his only son

this is the world,
this is the world we live in
it's not the one i choose
but it's the one we're given
this is the world,
this is the world we live in
and it's through winter windows
that ends become beginnings

you're a wolf ~

i’m walkin' on southern stream,
get to the river ‘fore i run too low
i’m walkin' on southern stream,
get to the river ‘fore i run too low

old gypsy woman spoke to me,
lips stained red from a bottle of wine
old gypsy woman spoke to me,
lips stained red from a bottle of wine
“the one that you are looking for,
you’re not gonna find her here.”
“the one that you are looking for,
you’re not gonna find her here, here.”

i’m runnin' on northeast stream,
get to the ocean ‘fore i run too low
i’m runnin' on northeast stream,
get to the ocean ‘fore i run too low
get to the ocean 'fore i run too low

old gypsy woman spoke to me, said,
“you’re a wolf, boy,
get out of this town.”
old gypsy woman spoke to me, said,
“you’re a wolf, boy,
get out of this town.”
“you’re a wolf, boy,
get out of this town.”
“you’re a wolf, boy,
get out of this town.”
“you’re a wolf!”
“you’re a wolf!”
“you’re a wolf!”
“you’re a wolf!”


Hi ghost! I thought I just posted a comment, but maybe it disappeared. I've been looking for you and I've missed you. I came across an envelope with your address on it yesterday and today being Holloween, I thought I'd look for you as I have many times in the past few years. Today I found you! So glad. Happy Holloween and BOO!


i'm so happy to find your post, i was sure no one would come back to my gloomy little blog, and i missed you and thought of you many times :)
i even have a photo in my cemeteria album now in your honor ~
(my finest orb yet, mind you.. sparkley even?)

times are tough so i came back around to run some ebay auctions & thought the blog deserved a little attention..

how are you? are you teaching? still in therapy?
is your son going to play skyrim/the new elder scrolls? & what about that mars lander?? hehe..

well, thanks for brightening my halloween..
i'll be back by again, more auctions to run..

for now..

some lyrics for halloween ~

leaves in the river ~

i met a girl on halloween
well she was lost and i was drunk
and it was dark and cold out
when we left
and as we walked the rain started
the leaves softened with every step
and all around us people slept alone with their dreams
the wind came down
from off the plains
and blew the leaves
all through the streets
i wondered how far
leaves could really fly
would they rest in subarb yards
or make it to the city
or would they end up in the river just to float away?
she pointed to a small brick house
and said it was where she grew up
the lights were out, she asked if we could stop for awhile
her hair was still just getting wet
the water running down her neck
collecting in the handprint in cement beneath her feet
apparently there'd been a death
someone close
had nothing left
because she hadn't left him in the end
i saw her blush when i asked
if she always talked like that
she said it only happened
when she drank
and later on i felt her hand
slipping into my cold fist
she promised me a kiss
as soon as we got home
her costume had begun to tear
she ran ahead and turned to me
her laughter echoed through the empty streets..

the cold, the dark & the silence ~

don't you lie, don't lie to me
that you're not afraid, my love
i know you well enough to know
you can't be alone

if you were to roll,
to roll down your window
you'd find the wind, the ice, the trees
that sway like skeletons outside

please don't fight, don't fight with me
and fold your arms like it's the end
can you smell the sweetness of the soil and snow in the wind?

so we're lost, we're lost out here on the plains, my love
it's only wind and ice and trees that wave from above

don't lie
don't cry
it's over
it's only the leaves, the trees
i'll never leave you alone
in this car
in the dark
with the air getting so much colder
it's so clear outside here in the moonlit winter air

but when the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs

when the cold, the dark, and the silence come
it's like a sudden rush of water
it's like a sudden rush of water
it's like a sudden rush of water through your heart and lungs

the cold, the dark and the silence
the cold, the dark and the silence
the cold, the dark and the silence
the cold, the dark and the silence
the cold, the dark and the silence
the cold, the dark and the silence...

merry hallowe'en!

p.s. click me!

yay! ray bradbury's 'the halloween tree' is on boomerang!!!


I'm such a spaz. This is the second time I deleted my own message.

Ghost, I am so friggin happy to find you! And on Haloween? I can't believe it - so fitting.

I am doing alright. Yes, I am teaching and its going well (excluding the vitriol in the media surrounding the "profession")

Thank you so much for the special honor in the cemetaria. I went right to K and told her about you and my special tribute and man did she love it. Yeah, I still see K. Love her. Hate therapy, but I am slowly (ever so slowly) getting "better". There s no "cure" as you are aware. Anyway, K was very pleased to hear that you are posting and so am I. I looked for you SO many times.

Please post some more and tell me about your health and what you have been occupying your time with.

Dan sounds great. I'm just sorry he can't get work, but I guess that is going to be the way it is for some time.

I went to Zuccotti park a couple of times and it was a great scene. No kidding, I passed Susan Serrandon(sp?) and then sang "if I hand a hammer" all in the first 5 minutes of being there. God I hope something comes of it.

Shane is off at college (stonybrook), so I have no idea what he is doing. Correction: he is having a lot of fun, but otherwise I am clueless. I'm just glad he is happy and seems, like Dan, to be a decent person.

I still have the large gumby you sent me and I use it in class whenever I can fit it into a demo. Last week gumby was walking all over the globe and some kid asked me "what IS that?" I was crushed, especially since I couldn't really formulate an answer!

Well, I don't know if I wrote anythng worth reading but I hope you post again soon. I'll try to think up something interesting in the meantime.
Your long lost friend,


em ~ ;)
hi again!
globetrekking gumby?! hehe..
i'm tickled to hear he's getting out & about, even if he's mystifying posterity..
& shane's now at stony brook? that's great ~ dan won't take on a student loan, he's just exasperated with the system at this point, rants at length, can't even get a job stocking shelves or flipping burgers, if he weren't
such a reclusive vampire like me he'd be out at the occupy portland campsite raising hell. with me sick half the time we're 3 adults in a one income household, just making it from payday to payday. although at least we are not underwater like so many, we have equity in the house & have no credit or car payments to deal with, we made sure of that. but it sucks being so broke, hope things take a turn for the better soon..

my health is a depressing subject, my challenges are eating, sleeping, breathing.. haha. my insides are a nightmare no matter how much meds i take. they'd have me on more, too, but i still avoid the dr/cardiologist. i can't afford all the tests they want to do to me, & my b.p. is so low there's risks to them too. my heart meds
lower it even further, plus they'd like me on additional beta-blockers as well, but once you start on these things you're committed for life, & i'm trying to salvage what quality of life i still have, slim as it is.
i wake up feeling like i can't breathe, scares the hell out of me. anyway, like i said, it's too depressing.
2010 was the worst. check out last year's halloween family picture ~
i'm white as a.. um. what's the word i'm looking for? .. sheet? ..sourcream.. no.. well anyway i'm perniciously pale compared to the guys, and they aren't exactly what i'd call

so dan & i still fully immerse ourselves in rpgs, i create artstuff, look after stray & feral neighborhood kitties, & bdhp & i share a love of photography as you can tell by the glut of photos everywhere. basically if it holds still, one of us takes a picture of it. trees, waterfalls, cemeteries, collectibles, when i updated the blog i dumped tons of new images into old posts, they're sprinkled everywhere. sadly i've missed most of the toy expo shows we used to go to regularly, due to either illness or broke-ness. but toxic has found joy lately in collecting old golden magazines from the 60's like her big sister used to read to her.
dan & i are both ocd and going stir crazy, so we've used this empty time organizing basically everything organizable, there's a lot since i've been collecting for so long. right now i've been selling collectible cards on ebay,
but the market is so soft. my last auctions all sold though, so i keep trying.

so you're still seeing k & doing therapy then? i miss being able to talk to someone that way. but i guess in ways i have to say i've done better in seclusion than i did back in my therapy days. maybe it just stirs up too much for me? (you've heard of 'gentle dental'? i need gentle mental..) glad to hear you feeling better.. and thanks for looking for me. i'm sorry for disappearing, i've done that before when i just became too overwhelmed with life.

come around anytime, i may not have much new to post, but i'm interested in what's going on with you..
you got halloween snow, huh? & how about that earthquake?!

take care,


they just lit the nose! (updated)

now it feels xmasy!
& i need a good present ~
done. now where's Our snow?

p.s. vintage holiday goodies ~


I've been m.i.a. because, well you know the for a spell, antisocial, etc...
So your health has been pretty umm... demanding! I'm sorry ghost. But I'm glad you told me so I know.

You are right about that photo of you - you do look ghostly. But, in all fairness, other photos you look great!I loved the photos of portland. I feel like I don't need to visit portland because I've seen it all now. Really great album, I loved it. YOur photo tour should be titled "Funky Portland" since you got all the important funky spots except (and you must forgive me) where are the bikes? So I'm writting this post thinking that i'd like to write something more personal but I don't want the whole world to read and now I look up above and you have facebook (don't belong) and other stuff. I think I'll check that out. I love your site but I always edit myself here because...well you never know.
I haven't checked out your last 2 links but I will. Hope to talk to you over the holidays because they suck usually, but its nice to talk to someone, well, I guess who I see as in "my tribe" if you can call us that. Best ghost, em.


em (a*k*a gf the sq?)

yeah, the holidays get pretty sucky especially in these hard financial times. we literally had our thanksgiving the sunday after due to low funds.. not fun trying to find a turkey on black friday! i can't believe i went out in that!! i getchya w/ the antisocial times, i'm the most agoraphobic i've ever been these days.. just can't handle all the h8rs in the world. i'm glad you like the portland album, it's definitely funky here, yeah i only have the ghost bike in there, huh? bikes are everywhere here, they make cool bike paths all through everywhere & i don't know how i've missed them in photos.. sadly my poor bike sits in the garage covered in dust..
i've really felt like hell physically & mentally for a while now so i hardly get to go out like i used to.
i'm so stressed just trying to eat that it's ridiculous, i have this rosacea thing too (the curse of the celts) that just makes me want to hide away.. medically there's so many things all tangled together that it's hard to figure out, i've been at the end of my rope lately, considered even talking to someone again, but you know.. don't want to waste my energy/self/$ on another pill-pusher.. or worse, on someone who knows less than i do at this point. if licia couldn't help me, i doubt there's anyone else that could.
i read her blog ~
she's gone the path of contemporary psychoanalysis, which from my reading seems right on target.. good for her.

as for facebook, i don't have facebook, but they seem to have me.. i don't do any of that social media stuff, i was invited to linkedin, so they list me too, but i kinda avoid all that stuff.. this is my only little spot left on teh internets other than gumbyland. (hint: there's a tiny little email link there if you ever want to use it ;)
well, back to the ghastly trenches..

p.s. from toxic ~


there's no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going
there's no knowing where we're rowing
or which way the river's flowing..
is it raining?
is it snowing?
is a hurricane a blowing?
not a speck of light is showing
so the danger must be growing.
are the fires of hell a glowing?
is the grisly reaper mowing?
yes ~ the danger must be growing
for the rowers keep on rowing..
and they're certainly not showing
any signs that they are slowing..



midwinter solstice ~
the darkest hour
the longest night
the celts say the sun is born again
& turns darkness into light..
i hope so.

on a completely different note ~
my email as of late:
(vampire spam? really?)



beware, bad children ~
krampus will catch you and
turn your soul to dust..

~ toxic

my xmas gift this year was getting my cemeteria book into print ~
~ ghost


"i wonder if i've been changed in the night? let me think: was i the same when i got up this morning? i almost think i can remember feeling a little different.."

happy friday the 13th ~
yesterday bdhp & me celebrated our silver anniversary (over pasta..)
we're truly ancient now.

in my dreams i kept explaining to people how much my head hurt, & i woke up with migraine alice, (my painful alphabet starting over yet again..) also woke up with these very disconcerting brain zaps i sometimes get, like snapping noises/sensations in my head? i don't know why i get them but i don't like them. partly why i hated ssri trials many moons ago, electrical sounds in my brain, yeah i was really gonna go tell my psych about those.. (now it's a widely known symptom.)
we're on a sad watch right now, bdhp's younger brother has had 2 separate series of damaging strokes, they've done 2 brain surgeries but can't help him. he can't swallow or see out of one eye & lies in a semi-conscious state now & it's looking pretty grave.
what a nightmare.
poor bdhp has no family left.

ebay sux now, btw. ebay & paypal withhold your funds & nickel & dime you to death. i miss the old days. also frustrating here at typepad, i put perfectly crisp clear photos into my albums, then typepad reduces the size & resolution way down. grr.

i'm feeling shakey today. & cold.
b.p. drops. ice patches outside.
sunday snow forecast.
my snowcave has come for me..
well whatever 2012 portends,
we'll see you on the other side.

ghost & toxic

p.s. doing the math ~ if i'm not mistaken, i'm 4 yrs sober & no si now? however brutal it may be, evidently isolation suits me..

old kitty ~

one last kitty ~


another halloween has come & gone..

holy branches/radical face

when you were young
you'd bite your tongue
calm, always did what you were told
never ran your mouth
lived life on tiptoes
only felt peace if by yourself
where mistakes don't count
there's a hole in your chest
from the time that you were born
one that don't get filled
cause you've always known
you're nothing they want..
but everybody's bones are just
holy branches
cast from trees
to cut patterns in the world
& in time we find some shelter,
spill our leaves
& then sleep in the earth
& when there we'll belong
'cause the earth don't give a damn
if you're lost..
now i live alone
i work in the belly of machines
wring my soot black hands
& i don't sleep much
the days don't feel different
from the nights
with no goals in mind
there's a hole in my chest
from the time i walked away
one i fill with sweat
'cause now i know
i'm nothing they want
but everybody's bones are just
holy branches
ride the breeze
to cut patterns in the earth
& in time we find some shelter,
spill our seeds
& then wait for our turns
but for now we're adrift
on the winds of discontent
trying to carve our place
all in hopes we'll be
something they want..
but i'm not holding my breath..

trace your fingers down my spine
make your home behind my eyes
line my skull with harmless lies
i'll bide my time until i'm something they want.


the mute/radical face

well as a child i mostly spoke
inside my head
i had conversations with the clouds, the dogs, the dead
and they thought me broken
that my tongue was coated lead
but i just couldn't make my words make sense to them
if you only listen with your ears
i can't get in
& i spent my evenings pulling stars
out of the sky
& i'd arrange them on the lawn
where i would lie
& in the wind i'd taste
the dreams of distant lives
& i would dress myself up in them
through the night
while my folks would sleep
in seperate beds & wonder why
& through them days i was a ghost atop my chair
my dad considered me a cross
he had to bear
& in my head i'd sing apologies
& stare
as my mom would hang
the clothes across the line
& she would try to keep
the empty from her eyes
so then one afternoon
i dressed myself alone
i packed my pillow case with
everything i owned
& in my head i said 'goodbye'
then i was gone
& i set out on the heels
of the unknown
so my folks could have a new life
of their own
& then maybe i could find someone who can hear the only words that i know..


we all go the same/radical face

some of us will be revered
& some forgotten
some of us will sleep
out in the rain
some of us will die lonely
& others in grace & warmth
but in the end
we all go the same..

some of us will be worn down
with time
& others will be famous
in their days
some of us will be dreamers
while others just fade away
but in the end
we all leave the same..

some of us will take
everything we can
while others will just
give it all away
some of us will be beaten
while others refuse to bend
but in the end
we all go the same..

& you will live your life
full of fear
& i will live mine
wishing you were near
& you will pray
to be stronger
& i won't pray at all
but either way
we're both gonna fall..

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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