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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

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  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

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this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« full of evil weevils.. | Main | from the limbo of lunary souls »

December 01, 2008


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last night first i dreamed i was arguing with my husband and he left. then i was wrapping tabitha up in a blanket like a baby, and i discovered there was blood in the bed.. next suddenly i literally bled out all over the floor & was losing consciousness, falling over, & worrying about my kitties getting let out of the house if paramedics came.. :/
this can't be good?

i get incessant irregular heartbeats these days.. ? :/
but they don't hurt.. & they don't scare me..
so whatever.
well, i'm back in the low 120's.. lowest wt. in over a year.. over 2 actually..

and 3! 3 no-longer-baby raccoons making a ruckus in our upstairs patio/deck last night!



another one: this time i dreamt these women had put my head into this metal contraption like a surgical 'halo'? and were going to kill me with it.. i was trying to ask the women to please decide not to kill me..

can one be snuggled to death?
from loss of blood circulation perhaps..
what a way to go..
my son & i are definitely at risk.
hey, but if we lose our legs at least we can still play videogames..



donner (lunar crater)
crater characteristics
coordinates 31.4° S, 98.0° E
diameter 58 km
depth unknown
colongitude 263° at sunrise
eponym anders donner
donner is a lunar crater on the far side of the moon. it is located just to the northeast of the mare australe, behind the southeastern limb of the moon. during favorable librations this part of the lunar surface can be brought into view of the earth, but the site is viewed from the edge and so not much detail can be seen.

this crater has a moderately eroded outer rim, and several small and tiny craterlets lie along the edge. a joined pair of small craters lie across the southern rim and inner wall. an unnamed, crater-like feature with about the same diameter as donner is attached to the northern outer rim. the structure along the inner wall has been softened and rounded by a long history of minor impacts.

the interior floor is relatively level, and is pock-marked by multiple tiny craterlets. there is a curving ridge in the southern part of the floor that is attached to the inner wall, and possibly forms the remnant of a small crater rim.


my brain is falling out


i never thought i'd say this but -
gumba is a cast iron bitch. :(
her migraine pain is so beyond me at this point i can't take it.. i'm losing track of days & doses.. please quit. god i need help. and i'm always so sick or in pain that i rule out every food i do eat until there's nothing left..
but you know, i never did look for a new dr.. never got my retinal scan to determine if the big green freckle in the back of my eye is friendly or melanoma.. honestly, i don't want to know.
oh well anyway, one foot in the grave is where i am always most secure..

well we've had a real blizzard here, the most snow we've had here and winds scary all night.. with wind chill it was zero.. definitely the coldest weather i've ever been in.. and lots more snow to come. the cemeteria is updated with snow pix i nearly froze my ass off to get.. driving is interesting. raccoon tracks are everywhere..

found my sister in a north hollywood facility, she got suicidal again, was in hospital and taken off depakote, meds changed, seems better.. sent off her xmas box today..

my poor head.. it aches.

my new desktop background:

had one of my 'crazy sister' nightmares like i used to get ages ago..

some mysterious cartoons i did in the dim past.. it is to chuckle.


we share our birthday with natalie wood & diana rigg.. (mrs peele - avengers.. cool.)
day before - cat stevens
day after - lizzie borden!
just right.

food only sickens me now. i put it in as a kind of trade-off, one kind of sick for another, ruling out each thing till i'm back in my eating disordered corner again after my long 'recovery'.. on a positive note, is it true? have i reached my one year no si bday? or have i miscounted..

dreamt i was watching these women racing when one of them collapsed to the ground & her head 'exploded'! very bloody..

ghost & toxic

this weekend will be our third snowstorm this week!!! we are snowed in..


funny, i was just googling for images of elliott smith and found (another) one of me getting my book signed by autumn dewilde.. hehee!
the other one's posted here somewhere too..
found it.. in the 'local cut':


oh well, what's a little more heartbreak? my support forum closes 1/1/09. i've been sufficiently trashed & bashed. i'm done. nice to really find out who my friends aren't.

we're in a major blizzard now, the wind gusts are the scariest part here near the gorge.. hope our power stays on, trees stay up.. buster curls up in his little house on our deck & at night the raccoons come and drag his nest down the stairs.. :/

over at sa we all exchanged virtual gifts & very good folks have been helping me get through the last couple days of xmas depression..

i got a chance to really study snowflakes for the first time ever. they are so tiny.. & each one unique? unbelieveable. considering how many there are this is mindboggling to me. the perfect metaphor for our time here, i think. we only get a fleeting glimpse at their fragile perfection/design before they are already melting away & gone.

ghost & toxic


how's that for a killshot? (click on my name below to see a link to the deep freeze/cyber morgue where you can peruse the remains of my dead support board before i lock it up and throw away the key.)

i have zero trust left for humans. i gotta NEVER open my heart even a crack for them again ever.. i never learn though.. stupid friendly ghost.

we're snowed in with the worst snowstorm in ages here with freezing rain & ice and threat of power out. meanwhile a meltdown between me & the devil i married.. a deadly one, because he does his damage and then retreats into snoring a.d.d. oblivion while i lie awake choking and swallowing it all nice and quiet. graphic SI ideas right there like salvation.. if i remember correct the last time i cut was last xmas day?
i'd carve merry xmas in my arm this minute if it'd make me sleep the way toxic used to.
i dreamt i looked down to find a very nice titanium bow, which i picked up and ventured out onto a blacktop/playground.. saw bdhp in the distance and raised the bow/found my site, pulled an arrow out of 'somewhere?' oblivion style, and fired a shot straight through his chest.. then i turned around and turned up the volume on a radio there to drown him out as he ?died?..
i felt no remorse whatsoever.
am i evil?
my head aches, my jaw aches, my teeth ache.
my first hunger high in a long while kicked in today.. cloudy, faint, but such a relief..
i'm shocked to see i've lost another 3 lbs in as many days without even trying to.. just stress & pain & inability to eat. i have liquor.. but .. oh god.
i'm just done with everything/everyone.
i'd guess buster's likely dead.. unless the 9 lives theory is true?


there's 15" of snow outside and an inch of ice..
worst since 1968.. & it's still snowing.
w/4wd & chains we ventured out closeby for supplies, but ironically the grocery store freezers were knocked out so no frozen goods! we're snowed IN.

another day and another lb lost.. bdhp's on me now 'cause i'm 10 lbs down and my rings are falling off like the old days.. he's trying to be nice, maybe for xmas?

i wonder if dr steve & licia were right and my inability to ingest food is a correlation to my mistrust/relationship with the humans? i dunno..
little dehydration sick today..
here we go again.



absolutely a white xmas here.. record snow - most Ever for xmas day.. most since 1950 for december.. (2nd most ever!)

we visited lone fir cemetery on xmas day in falling snow.. so pretty.
elliott used to play in the snow there as a kid..
here i am haunting..
although the etched words are long worn away, these stones with the little lambs are always for a lost child..

bdhp wants to E-publish my cemeteria book as a xmas gift.. the ultimate coffeetable book for taphophiles? i'll post a link here when the time comes..


Buster Lives!!

dreamt we had a little baby girl and she died..
rather than bury her we decided to run over her with the car (?!?) and as my guys sat in one car in our garage observing, i narrated the grisly play by play of crunching bones even while quite horrified myself..




a new year looms.
with me still so sick & fucking forgotten yet still not truly mercifully dead.
with these dreams in my head i awake half expecting my pillowcase to be bloodsoaked from nightmares leaking out of my ears..
even my wishlist seems to be broken.
i'm surely banished to haunt as undead.
maybe i have 9 lives too?
either that or i'm in the 9th circle of hell..


We got snow today and I took my mountain bike out in it for a couple hours and I was the only one. the only one who rode and broke the trail today. Shit, I am lonely but one else thought to get out there and break the snow? Only me?!

Hey ghost, for some reason I can't delete my last post from the board and I would like it deleted before the night is over. It was very personal and I'd rather it be deleted before the board goes archive. Can you do that for me? I'm probably too late. Hey you know I'm like 10,0000 posts behind, but I am still here and I still care about you wherever the fuck you are right now :) New year. board - no board. I still always think of you as my friend. Happy New Year misfit. Love em.


Thanks ghost and happy new year. I just reread my post and realized I was a little buzzed when I wrote it :) Don't be mad that I called you a misfit. I've had that song that Hermie sings going around in my head - you know..."why am I such a misfit, I'm not just a nitwit, you can't fire me, I quit! Why don't I fit in.." I sing that song to myself all the time. The misfits are the good people. Thanks for deleting my post. I was feeling insecure about it.
Read your two dreams above. The one about bdhp seems normal (!) to me :), but the second is really scarey. I used to dream like that but it stopped or I just stopped remembering. Hope you eat and not drink today. Give any thought to somatic therapy yet? - em


therapy again?
AND sober?? hahaha..

i can think of ten real ways i'd sooner spend the money i don't have..
20 years or so of professional help and 20k$+ or so poorer.. i can't even afford big ideas anymore..
you said in your post that i'm too smart for my own good, but i am the only one who ever did me any good.. (in between the self-thrashing & bloodletting..)
i've come to believe the whole basis for cbt is flawed & ultimately invalidating.

no thank you..

dreamt last night about demon children that tormented their little siblings when no one was looking..


soo glad to retire the board & close my laptop for a bit..
cripes.. it's still snowing.

(note: for tristicia, acedia, sloth, meloncholia, black bile..
found out i'm headed for the 7th circle..)

today's lyrics from ben cooper again:

what a cryptic day/
eyes on the sea
my feet are in concrete
hands on the savior
fingers inside his teeth
grinning at me
a face like a leather shoe
he said that nothing is free, boy
all of it will cost you
and you know where this will go
the sunset's dead
it never shows
wake from a dream
drift through the air again
nothing has feeling
the world's just a carnal sin
if life is a dream
death is to be awake
smiling is wasteful
love is the great mistake
but you've got it wrong again
think like that you'll never win.


snug made the emily strange page:

migraine henrietta.
named after the hippo from the new zoo review.. though she is less delightful dancing around in my skull..

it is indeed quite an unusual thing..

wolf moon saturday..
(closest we'll be all year to the moon so it will appear much bigger & brighter.)

big full moons + migraines of this caliber =
i may just bite someone.


our anniversary - 22..
yeah.. he forgot again.
F2 download is out..
fuck off henrietta.

at least i heard my sister got her xmas box & it made her so happy..

i decided last night that it would be for the best if i buried myself in the snowcave.

ghost & toxic


Hey Ghost,
Where are you? I keep comming here but no posts. I am worried. Are you OK?


hey ghost its me em.

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cat girl

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Plague dr
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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
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little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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