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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« we might be crooked now.. | Main | snowmiser.. »

October 01, 2008


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my first cds:
(i'll write/record music for them later..)


my big sister wrote me this poem when she was starting to lose her battle with schizophrenia.. i think it was a goodbye.






those who are dead are not dead
they’re just living in my head
and since i fell for that spell
i am living there as well

time is so short and i’m sure
there must be something more

you thought you might be a ghost
you thought you might be a ghost
you didn’t get to heaven but you made it close
you didn’t get to heaven but you oh oh
oh oh…


the davis haunted cemetery here in portland was awesome!

today is a sad day.. the 5th year anniversary of elliott's death.. here's a memorial youtube a friend made:

ghost & toxic



everybody leaves
if they get the chance
and this
is my chance


a rainy halloween..
and i woke up with a migraine.. :/
i'm at letter E so i'm calling her Eve..
hello eve..
or should i say
Hallow Eve.. snic

my current desktop:
tricks instead of treats this year..

stay up all night with the tribute to h.p. lovecraft on TCM..
vincent price, boris karloff, lon chaney jr.. perfect.

from toxic ~


i can't even read others posts
try an try but i can't read

hopefully i'm typing ok?
i'm having migraine aura.
first a blingd spot and everyone llooks picassoesce
then scintillating scotoma.. a real light show inside my eye/head.
no i wait for the pain to come

freaky fucking freaky
no fun

migraine Eve.
i knew she was lurking

this description's pretty good..
i've had all these symptoms..
fortunately no numbness/nausea this time..
feeling less confused now.. it's scary to be so out of control.. can't talk straight, can't understand what people say, can't remember, confused and half blind..
my hubster has to come home early to drive my son to his classes/back.. i can't drive the car home & he's still on his permit so can't drive alone..
i'm so cold.
winter's here..

my aura starts out pinpoint with the blindspot and people have one eye.. then grows slowly over about a half hour till it's around the right eye and goes behind/out of vision..
but it's neurological/in both eyes even with eyes closed.



i'm sick again.
and eve has her fucking claws in my sKuLL :(
i'm digging new deeper chambers in the snowcave to retreat to now that my support forum has kinda gone to hell.
been playing morrowind right down to the glitchy end.. then i'm wrestling Fable2 from my son if i have to.

the cold finally got to our spider, his web's all broke and he's dead. i'll miss him. (well, i don't actually see his little body, maybe he's merely on a little plane with other spiders heading for socal?)

so weary of the fucktard world of humans. the inevitable daily dose of hate from all sides.
i'll take felines and arachnids anyday.


die, you gravy sucking pig.


sick sick sick sick.
can't eat, sleep.. have no trust at all that a dr will help me. but i should find a new one and schedule an appt. soon. my old one moved away & i've avoided it too long. .. .. then again, maybe i won't.
(btw i'm glad she left because all she did was throw lexapro/effexor at me and act like she was looking at someone else's chart..)

i'm going to try some of that ensure stuff now since it's liquid and replaces food. funny, thanks to the internet i finally learn (oh 25 or so years late?) about 'esophogeal ring' as a result of gastroesophogeal disease.. basically due to scar tissue it shrinks to less than 1/2" and doesn't allow food through to the stomach, especially meat & dry bread.. haha.. my life story.. thank goodness now we know and my son, who inherited my toxic dna, will get actual proper help with what he's begun experiencing.. what he calls 'chokey foods'.. when i first got it as a teenager a good dr looked in my throat and diagnosed my esophogitis and pharyngeal edema.. but then she left (to do missionary work in rwanda?) and i immediately went to the first of many hmo drs who (without looking in my throat) diagnosed the problem as anxiety and started me on xanax.. which only made matters worse.. from then on i was represcribed xanax and told anxiety by every so-called 'pro' who never had to cry themselves to sleep choking at night.. fuckinghell yeah i was anxious!
never trust.
never trust.
so as everyone knows by now i've given up thinking i'll get help and honestly i just wait to collapse. too tired to deal with things in a different way i guess.


it's real cold & i'd like a drink.
i still think of alcohol as a gift from god
(used responsibly = no driving)
like true love, to me it feels like home.

if i were a flower, i'd be a snowcatcher..
(easily crushed.. dead in appearance = me)


new migraine..

i'm at letter F but there are not many good feminine F names..
so i'm naming her feobe (after holden caulfield's little sister, phoebe)

i'm having so much trouble just trying to interact with the humans.. i make a point of always trying to be considerate and keep things friendly, but people generally are so defensive and rude, and don't want to think outside of the shallow end of the pool.. my son & i talk about our feelings of alienation often since we both share the same accutely sensitive personality types.. it costs too much to subject myself to others' seemingly endless senseless infliction of damage.. i have to focus on taking care of myself & my own and set some things/people aside, i guess..

the world (of humans) is cold and cruel.. and a new generation of people with their eyes closed are born every minute..

digging deep,


a haiku:

penny pigtails
your legs are made of cotton
and they're far too long



Hey Friend,
Remember me? I think about you all the time :) I cracked up visiting the psych connection and reading the election posts. Especially your "ist it really the end of the world?.." comment. I see you are still broken hearted and I am disappointed to tell you that I still am too. But you know me, I keep trying with the therapy. Still giving K hell. The somatic therapy turns out pretty effective for me, but I can't afford both and you know, I can't give up K. Too frustrating!
Remember, keep passing the open windows (because, let's face it, with our luck it just wouldn't be high enough :) Em


you gave me a chuckle & i needed one, em! i am haunted by your comment once that my personal demons would not be so accomodating now that they know my preference.. argh! alas so true! so true!
i still breathe and haunt.
so glad you're getting something outta yer therapy.. but sorry you also must learn to live the broken life.. we never do mend i suppose..?

you are sorely missed at the board! i would use capitals but that would seem like yelling rather than whining.. i personally feel deprived of your unique AD wisdom/take on life.. you should come by & say hi?
well, take care & brace yourself.. xmas is upon us..

ATT: taphophiles -

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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