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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
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2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
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Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
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family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
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toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
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halloween mini album ~
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Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space


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« sleep well.. | Main | full of evil weevils.. »

July 19, 2008


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i'm nosferatu now at 403 years old..
kind of a sad bday..
my guys are out seeing the hellboy movie & i'm just here by my lonesome..
nobody loves me.
ghost & toxic

p.s. update:
ok so i sent a message to ben cooper since he's one of my myspace friends asking him a lyrics question to the song i posted.. and he wrote me such a nice note right back with the correct lyrics!!!! this made my day!
so these are absolutely correct!


hey ghost, you ok. posted on board but its v quiet, the others are away.
hope you not in mirgrain hell. did you speak to sleepflower on her blog? i miss her alot.
speak to you soon.thumper X


i talked to sf on her blog a couple weeks back.. she seemed fine.. yeah the board's so quiet.. wish we had somewhere to link to others who could benefit..

no migraine hell..
depression hell i guess..
feel like letting myself fall into a well..

in lighter news, randy the editor of the boarder site wrote me asking for some gumby pix.. he'll be posting 'em up there soon.. that'll be kool.



hey ghost, does she not want to come back to see us, does that mean shes ok with everything and in a happy place now. can you tell her i send her a PM just to hi. its raining's birthday today, left a message on board for her. shes been quite quiet too, just hope their all ok. hugs to you ghost hope depression easies soon and great about the piccys. thumper X


when i talked to sleepflower she seemed to be doing good, said she'd come by the forum soon? i notice she's posting 'down the rabbit hole' (an si/ed support site/link here on my blog - look left) i used to go there but i have to kinda stay away from pro-ish si/ed sites these days.. but it is a good support site though..


the box of bees is done.. trapdoor down right..
(i used my own captured yellow jackets! no beneficial bees were harmed in the making of this installation.. :) )


latest news is tim burton is going to redo alice in wonderland with johnny depp as the mad hatter!!!
still undecided whether to do it with actors or cg/voices? although i prefer the first choice, undoubtedly he will choose the second and thrill disney with the merchandising possibilities! think of the toys/games!!!
i may have to make a trip home when it comes out and buy another hatter tophat at disneyland for my collection?
my favorite hatter was played by peter cook in the early b&w victorian style bbc production..
he seemed quite happily insane to me.. :D
wish someone had youtubed the trial scene..


hey ghost, sorry your in migraine hell again. your bee boxes are brill. such a great idea. im still ill, just cant shake it. see you over on the board once your feeling up to it. hugs thumper X


sorry you are still sick :(
hope your son stays well? i've decided to start naming my migraines the way they do hurricanes.. this one's ariel (thanks, sylvia!) :o

i've become so ocd it's sad.. was watching a tv show recently about how howard hughes' injury in a plane crash caused damage to the frontal area of his brain that controls 'error detection' and set off his voracious ocd.. geez, although with me it just runs in my family (me, my son, sisters, etc..) it is the same thing.. error detection malfunction driving me outta my mind because i can't take my pain meds without freaking out over and over.. i can't trust anything! :(
i need help man..
god how i need help..
but not drugs.
if i'm gonna be sick anyway i figure i choose my own disease.. not some drugs to bandaid/mask/hide the problem and manage me out of existence.. hehe..
healing would be great!
but haha.. no one is selling that..
besides, i'm too broke now in every way.
one unhappy ghost


hey ghost, :(
great name for a migraine, Ariel, is one of the archangels and is the over seer of nature.
the pain of a migraine is hell, sorry you dont trust anything to make it better. sending a huge hug, wrapped in a faux fur blanket.
thumper X


i thought ariel was going to be nice? haha..
day 10 and the worst she has been..
that's it i'm throwing all her stuff out on the front lawn..
get outta my head, beast!


after tylenol and a hot cloth on my head and a wasted weekend (not the good kind.. hehe..) ariel had finally gone..
and then i had to lean way down to retrieve one of our kitties from under the china cabinet and i felt her slam right back into my left temple with a vengeance and start all over!!!!!!!!!!!

but now at last after 10 days she seems to be gone finally.. hopefully..
*looks around furtively*

sh! don't tell her you saw me..


tmj/tmd has made my teeth so sensitive to hot/cold/pressure/air.. i have bought like 5 different toothbrushes trying to get a soft one and now am having to use a child's 'hello kitty' one.. haha.. toxic picked it out..
and rather than a nightguard for when i'm sleeping i actually bought a cheap glow-in-the-dark blue pacifier/binky just like the ravers use since ecstasy causes bad tmj too..
(it'll probably just fall out and end up covered in cat hair, but i'll try anything to ease this agony.. i can barely eat/drink these days..)



venturing out into the world proved too much for a shut-in like me.. despite opening doors with tissues i got infected out in the germpool.. now i'm stuck in my cumfy chair sick playing morrowind..

but not before putting up pix of our latest hike & baby raccons! see album up left..


our halloween store opened & toxic has already done her shopping :D


i'm still sick sick sick.

i'd fling myself off the wagon though for a bottle of this:

lovely name.. i've been up to trillium lake and it's perfect.



found in an old journal.. lol


man.. just when i thought the plague was leaving me my lungs started closing up and i can't breathe..
my son caught it too..
probably from sharing the game controller.. hehe..
now i've got migraine 'callalily' on top too.. 'bastet' was nice to me and only lasted 2 days, so i'm hoping i'll catch a break this time too? (2 days so far and kinda weak..)

so i completed the vampire quests in morrowind and took the cure since i could not trade/train or speak to others or go out in daylight at all.. so now i've sold all my plunder and i'm filthy rich.. enchanted some good weapons and named them:

splintered lament - an adamantine shortsword with lightning/shock power..

bleed for me - a very brutal little jagged metallic red daedric dagger.. one slash leaves a kind of blood cloud!

IT BURNSSS! - a very powerful daedric staff that does flame damage..

haematomania - a very sharp poison daedric tanto..

such a beautiful autumn day.. wish i could be out in it driving all day to pretty places, but being sick & with the cost of gas.. we're broke.. :/

..back to morrowind



i need help


h e l p

after a week of migraine callalily being a wimp and only hitting me a.m.s at about a 2 (on my migraine scale of 1-10) she swooped in first thing this a.m. and stayed up near level 8 aLL DAy!!! whimper..
and beat the living hell outta me..
dear god. need better drugs.
still anxious as hell..
helpehlphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelpehHEILPHELPhelphelphelpeheohoeh;eohfoeh;ejkahjdg;lakjsg;oiajhg;k.. .

g ho st

- ghost
- t oX ic


halloween is coming!


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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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