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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)


ghost toy catalogue

  • spookytown
    an inventory of toys & collectibles vintage & new including toxic's toys, toxic's library & halloweeniana..

    ~ copyright 2011 all rights reserved
Cherrytreemoon
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Scandalous
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

Pdx
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

Thingsbehindthesun
things behind the sun (journals)
Razorblades
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
www.flickr.com
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Brenkitty
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Enter
halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..


  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    NEW ELDER SCROLLS!!
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

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« things i say may seem stranger than sunday changing to monday.. | Main | we might be crooked now.. »

May 10, 2008

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ghost

as i slip into the latest migraine i feel my mood just slide down into the depths.. even the little blue light on my laptop bothers my eyes.. we got these special blackout panels to block light through our big front bay window for the summer.. they are white but opaque and fit right behind the curtains.. thank god.
i do so love the dark..

messed up my stomach again trying cocoa yesterday for mom's day.. i'm not so healthy. seems like i'm getting to be a longer and longer list of ongoing physical concerns.. even as i type i'm getting my weird irregular heartbeats.. who ever knows why?

i have done better lately, but now the pain is here and i lie awake at night filled with despair or hate.. try to start over each day.. my kitties help me so much. if not for them even this ghost wouldn't be here.

ghost

Sleepflower

Ghost, that poem is beautiful. I wish I could take away your pain. Thank you for being you
xxxx

ghost

hey sleepflower!
thanks.. although i'm used to this routine of pain, it still is hard to cope through it alone.. :(

that poem is by my latest favorite songwriter ben cooper (he's the lead in the band radical face.. like in the music box here, and also the band electric president.. they have a new cd coming out in june but it already leaked and i'm loving it! this one is from the new cd.. i'll put it up in the music box once it officially comes out..)

there's a good little minidoc in the 'little friends' area here (right by your bloglink!) about how/why he wrote the 'ghost' album.. he moved into a historic haunted house down south..
anyway.. i love his music!
:) the lyrics always speak my heart..

take care,
ghost

ghost

today i'm in too much pain. never ask help/small favors from loved ones. it's just the last reminder that i'm nothing.
i ask so little. but it doesn't matter.
people never know how hurtful they are. and i don't want to make my loved ones feel bad. but the people who say they care are always the most hurtful.
i want to carve it into my chest and remember it always.
i'm nothing.
i'm done trying.

ghost

well, i'm still here and i didn't cut myself up.. sometimes the exhaustion is a good thing.. keeps me fromm acting on things..
just crawled back into bed for a day and stopped eating..

but the hubster decided to come out of his usual tuned-out state and help.. fixed me up a little..

i've also been so frustrated with this condition i have around my mouth where the skin just dries and cracks/bleeds over and over no matter how i treat it with chapstick or whatever.. so stupid and ugly..
hubby looked online and found out it's the anemia again.. guess i still have it. so i gotta really take my vitamins. it's been years.. if that's not enough i don't want shots :(

delusion is truly as necessary to our happiness as realities.. when i cannot maintain the fantasy of hope i wind up in killer blackholes.. that fill with hate whenever the pain courses through..
ghost

ghost

bright mouths/

i see you in my head at night
your eyes are vacant and your mouth is bright
and all you say are things
that i don't wanna hear
so i smash my hands against my broken ears

we are the thoughts
that you were warned about
we are the shadows in your basement
when you say "doomsday"
we say "everything's alright"
but it's all the same

get yourself a number
oh, we've been watching you sleep
we know your tricks
we know all your bad habits
we know your secrets
we know where you're lost
we sneak into your closet
and have dinner with your skeletons
all along you've been asking
what's wrong with me?
all along you've been asking
what's wrong with me?
all along you've been living your predicaments
saying you were innocent
but what's that gotta do with us?

we are the cracks in what you dream about
we are the noises in your attic
we are the people you were warned about
we are the monsters in your closet

and now, despite your hopes, you're just like us
yeah.. you're just like us

despite your prayers you're broke like us
yeah.. you're broke like us

we watch you when you're asleep
they hear as you grind your teeth
they're always wearing smiles
but they're never what they seem
you run when you're awake
but they still get ya when you dream...

ghost

bvit anemia links:
pernicious anemia/the vampire's disease..

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/dci/Diseases/prnanmia/prnanmia_what.html

http://www.duanereade.com/health/ConditionFactsheet.aspx?id=278&pg=2

partly why i dislike my current dr and avoid her.. it's like she's looking at somebody else's chart or something.. didn't even tell me last time if i was still anemic (blood test results) and now i find out i am.. instead reassures me my bp is not too high (i have orthostatic hypotension or Low bp!) and wants me to go have pointless bloodtest for cholesterol?! i've always had very low cholesterol..
now i wonder how the heart thing is related to the anemia, etc..
fucking drs..
i need a new one.
ghost

thumper

hey ghost....dont think you will ever find a good dr....well i havent anyway..!!! im on no sleep zone at mo....with mind racing alittle, so seeing "sleep well" on your blog made me smile....
take your vitamins and hope you feel better.....hugs thumper

ghost

thumper..
i agree on my prospects looking for a new dr.. :(

i can't sleep either because it's a heatwave here.. i hate it, i can only sleep if i feel cool/cold.. so i've been on a major spring cleaning whirlwind! i mean, i like the cobwebs personally.. but you know, not everyone appreciates my taste in home decor.. hehee..

ironically, that whole 'sleep well' album i keep quoting is about monsters under your bed, skeletons in your closet and all the things that keep you up at night..

i hope you can get a rest without crashing soon..?

and yes i am taking those vits, thanks!
hugs back,
ghost

thumper

heatwave....how lovely....the cobwebs stay in my house....the halloween feel is the best....got a band i want you to check out ghost....the drummer is a friend of o/h and they havent got a record deal yet, but i have their cd and think its top.....i cant do links (hangs head in shame) but is on myspace....they are called MY IQ....and you can listen to their songs....let me know what you think as trying to get support for them.....they have been giggin round england and sky was suppose to film them in Edingburgh, but they didnt turn up....???? im still not sleeping but hey, what can you do.....see you on the forum.....thumper X

ghost

i searched for my iq on my myspace but it didn't find anyone? :/
maybe their myspace username is longer/different?

don't feel intimidated about this internet stuff, thumper.. if you want a link just highlight the address up at the top so it's all blue, then right click and 'copy'.. then you can go to where you want to put it and right click there.. then you click on 'paste' and voila! there it is.. as long as it's still on the 'clipboard' you can paste it anywhere you want..

i love indie/new music.. if i can get the link i will post it up at sweetaddy where lots of musicians and indie fans will listen to it! :D
(that's the elliott smith fanboard i go to constantly..) i get almost all my new music from there..

poor thing! i hope you get some ZZzZzZzzzzzzss soon!
xo,
ghost

thumper

hope this works....
http://www.myspace.com/myiqofficial
got this from myspace.....o/h said they are brilliant live....thumper X

ghost

hey! they remind me alot of the band my little brother is in.. :D (he is also the drummer..)
same influences!

i'll put a link up on sa too..

ghost

god. nothing like a tmj flare-up to cheer up my week? :/

i made a stupid mistake and used a new electric toothbrush, forgetting this would trigger my tmj/inflame the nerve fibers.. knocked me into the most severe tmj/migraine.. haven't had it as bad since the time back in cali that i went on the 'california screamer' rollercoaster at disney's CA adventure park and gave myself an instant headache.. by night i felt like my head had been through a paint mixer..

i still have it now but not like last night. throbbing pain in my mouth/jaw.. dear god i need better drugs!!

my whole existence is fear and pain.
ghost

ghost

it's been awhile..
tonight i'm crawling away from the motherofallmigraines..
whimpering..

it's been a week?
i have raccoon eyes..
please make it stop.
ghost

ghost

wellll..
getting to be a true ghostblog these days..
my blog host is doing a big update that may disrupt things a little for awhile.. and my music host was bought up by some big uk company that has yet to get things running.. without my musicbox running my mixes i don't tend to come here as much..
but i'll be back once it's all working right..
besides i plan on hibernating through this infernal summer..
wake me when it's autumn.
ghost

zzzzzzzz..

thumper

hey ghost,

i wondered why you hadnt updated. music's is playing.
im going to be away for a couple of weeks getting a tan. takecare, may speak on the board if i get time, always leave things till the last minute and now in a panic....thumper X

ghost

have a good time, thumper!
i'll work on my 'moontan' (pale) here in the A/C.. :D

yeah.. i wish tunefeed would come back soon! this little clunky player plays a few tom waits songs but it's not the same.. :(

cya,
ghost

ghost

did i ever mention what a syrup head i used to be?
http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/dxm.png
i used to panic waking up gasping for breath not knowing why.. drinking bottles of sickly sweet orange triaminic to get through my days back at 'home'.. it makes me nearly vomit to remember it now.. what a fucking waste i was!
nowadays everyone knows about it but i stumbled onto it's dissociative properties all by my lonesome the same way i did with si.. back before anyone knew anything..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recreational_use_of_dextromethorphan


yesterday we got the '3 red lights of death' on our xbox 360.. :P 430 hours living as a vampire in es oblivion gone.. our xbox is dead.
then unrelenting tmj/tmd the last few days & nothing safe to eat. i can't deal with the humans anymore either. crawling back into my nice dark coffin/grave.
bye

ghost

toxic's bday wish (she's 6) was for candy bones that all go together to make skeletons for her closet..!

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/skeletonpops.jpg

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/images/skeletonpops2.jpg

she got her wish!!!
ghost

p.s. http://www.jimcarrey.com/

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lost & found toys

cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

Danradpic
back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!

ghostfilms

Ghost
lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

haunts

  • lunacy..
    CURRENT MOON
  • the happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations...

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