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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

ghost toy catalogue

  • spookytown
    an inventory of toys & collectibles vintage & new including toxic's toys, toxic's library & halloweeniana..

    ~ copyright 2011 all rights reserved
Cherry tree moon
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
100 year old kitty
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

Elliott's birds
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
Amouthfullof razorblades
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Enter x
halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies..

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

m e o w

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

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« things i say may seem stranger than sunday changing to monday.. | Main | we might be crooked now.. »

May 10, 2008


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as i slip into the latest migraine i feel my mood just slide down into the depths.. even the little blue light on my laptop bothers my eyes.. we got these special blackout panels to block light through our big front bay window for the summer.. they are white but opaque and fit right behind the curtains.. thank god.
i do so love the dark..

messed up my stomach again trying cocoa yesterday for mom's day.. i'm not so healthy. seems like i'm getting to be a longer and longer list of ongoing physical concerns.. even as i type i'm getting my weird irregular heartbeats.. who ever knows why?

i have done better lately, but now the pain is here and i lie awake at night filled with despair or hate.. try to start over each day.. my kitties help me so much. if not for them even this ghost wouldn't be here.



Ghost, that poem is beautiful. I wish I could take away your pain. Thank you for being you


hey sleepflower!
thanks.. although i'm used to this routine of pain, it still is hard to cope through it alone.. :(

that poem is by my latest favorite songwriter ben cooper (he's the lead in the band radical face.. like in the music box here, and also the band electric president.. they have a new cd coming out in june but it already leaked and i'm loving it! this one is from the new cd.. i'll put it up in the music box once it officially comes out..)

there's a good little minidoc in the 'little friends' area here (right by your bloglink!) about how/why he wrote the 'ghost' album.. he moved into a historic haunted house down south..
anyway.. i love his music!
:) the lyrics always speak my heart..

take care,


today i'm in too much pain. never ask help/small favors from loved ones. it's just the last reminder that i'm nothing.
i ask so little. but it doesn't matter.
people never know how hurtful they are. and i don't want to make my loved ones feel bad. but the people who say they care are always the most hurtful.
i want to carve it into my chest and remember it always.
i'm nothing.
i'm done trying.


well, i'm still here and i didn't cut myself up.. sometimes the exhaustion is a good thing.. keeps me fromm acting on things..
just crawled back into bed for a day and stopped eating..

but the hubster decided to come out of his usual tuned-out state and help.. fixed me up a little..

i've also been so frustrated with this condition i have around my mouth where the skin just dries and cracks/bleeds over and over no matter how i treat it with chapstick or whatever.. so stupid and ugly..
hubby looked online and found out it's the anemia again.. guess i still have it. so i gotta really take my vitamins. it's been years.. if that's not enough i don't want shots :(

delusion is truly as necessary to our happiness as realities.. when i cannot maintain the fantasy of hope i wind up in killer blackholes.. that fill with hate whenever the pain courses through..


bright mouths/

i see you in my head at night
your eyes are vacant and your mouth is bright
and all you say are things
that i don't wanna hear
so i smash my hands against my broken ears

we are the thoughts
that you were warned about
we are the shadows in your basement
when you say "doomsday"
we say "everything's alright"
but it's all the same

get yourself a number
oh, we've been watching you sleep
we know your tricks
we know all your bad habits
we know your secrets
we know where you're lost
we sneak into your closet
and have dinner with your skeletons
all along you've been asking
what's wrong with me?
all along you've been asking
what's wrong with me?
all along you've been living your predicaments
saying you were innocent
but what's that gotta do with us?

we are the cracks in what you dream about
we are the noises in your attic
we are the people you were warned about
we are the monsters in your closet

and now, despite your hopes, you're just like us
yeah.. you're just like us

despite your prayers you're broke like us
yeah.. you're broke like us

we watch you when you're asleep
they hear as you grind your teeth
they're always wearing smiles
but they're never what they seem
you run when you're awake
but they still get ya when you dream...


bvit anemia links:
pernicious anemia/the vampire's disease..

partly why i dislike my current dr and avoid her.. it's like she's looking at somebody else's chart or something.. didn't even tell me last time if i was still anemic (blood test results) and now i find out i am.. instead reassures me my bp is not too high (i have orthostatic hypotension or Low bp!) and wants me to go have pointless bloodtest for cholesterol?! i've always had very low cholesterol..
now i wonder how the heart thing is related to the anemia, etc..
fucking drs..
i need a new one.


hey ghost....dont think you will ever find a good dr....well i havent anyway..!!! im on no sleep zone at mo....with mind racing alittle, so seeing "sleep well" on your blog made me smile....
take your vitamins and hope you feel better.....hugs thumper


i agree on my prospects looking for a new dr.. :(

i can't sleep either because it's a heatwave here.. i hate it, i can only sleep if i feel cool/cold.. so i've been on a major spring cleaning whirlwind! i mean, i like the cobwebs personally.. but you know, not everyone appreciates my taste in home decor.. hehee..

ironically, that whole 'sleep well' album i keep quoting is about monsters under your bed, skeletons in your closet and all the things that keep you up at night..

i hope you can get a rest without crashing soon..?

and yes i am taking those vits, thanks!
hugs back,

thumper lovely....the cobwebs stay in my house....the halloween feel is the a band i want you to check out ghost....the drummer is a friend of o/h and they havent got a record deal yet, but i have their cd and think its top.....i cant do links (hangs head in shame) but is on myspace....they are called MY IQ....and you can listen to their songs....let me know what you think as trying to get support for them.....they have been giggin round england and sky was suppose to film them in Edingburgh, but they didnt turn up....???? im still not sleeping but hey, what can you do.....see you on the forum.....thumper X


i searched for my iq on my myspace but it didn't find anyone? :/
maybe their myspace username is longer/different?

don't feel intimidated about this internet stuff, thumper.. if you want a link just highlight the address up at the top so it's all blue, then right click and 'copy'.. then you can go to where you want to put it and right click there.. then you click on 'paste' and voila! there it is.. as long as it's still on the 'clipboard' you can paste it anywhere you want..

i love indie/new music.. if i can get the link i will post it up at sweetaddy where lots of musicians and indie fans will listen to it! :D
(that's the elliott smith fanboard i go to constantly..) i get almost all my new music from there..

poor thing! i hope you get some ZZzZzZzzzzzzss soon!


hope this works....
got this from myspace.....o/h said they are brilliant live....thumper X


hey! they remind me alot of the band my little brother is in.. :D (he is also the drummer..)
same influences!

i'll put a link up on sa too..


god. nothing like a tmj flare-up to cheer up my week? :/

i made a stupid mistake and used a new electric toothbrush, forgetting this would trigger my tmj/inflame the nerve fibers.. knocked me into the most severe tmj/migraine.. haven't had it as bad since the time back in cali that i went on the 'california screamer' rollercoaster at disney's CA adventure park and gave myself an instant headache.. by night i felt like my head had been through a paint mixer..

i still have it now but not like last night. throbbing pain in my mouth/jaw.. dear god i need better drugs!!

my whole existence is fear and pain.


it's been awhile..
tonight i'm crawling away from the motherofallmigraines..

it's been a week?
i have raccoon eyes..
please make it stop.


getting to be a true ghostblog these days..
my blog host is doing a big update that may disrupt things a little for awhile.. and my music host was bought up by some big uk company that has yet to get things running.. without my musicbox running my mixes i don't tend to come here as much..
but i'll be back once it's all working right..
besides i plan on hibernating through this infernal summer..
wake me when it's autumn.



hey ghost,

i wondered why you hadnt updated. music's is playing.
im going to be away for a couple of weeks getting a tan. takecare, may speak on the board if i get time, always leave things till the last minute and now in a panic....thumper X


have a good time, thumper!
i'll work on my 'moontan' (pale) here in the A/C.. :D

yeah.. i wish tunefeed would come back soon! this little clunky player plays a few tom waits songs but it's not the same.. :(



did i ever mention what a syrup head i used to be?
i used to panic waking up gasping for breath not knowing why.. drinking bottles of sickly sweet orange triaminic to get through my days back at 'home'.. it makes me nearly vomit to remember it now.. what a fucking waste i was!
nowadays everyone knows about it but i stumbled onto it's dissociative properties all by my lonesome the same way i did with si.. back before anyone knew anything..

yesterday we got the '3 red lights of death' on our xbox 360.. :P 430 hours living as a vampire in es oblivion gone.. our xbox is dead.
then unrelenting tmj/tmd the last few days & nothing safe to eat. i can't deal with the humans anymore either. crawling back into my nice dark coffin/grave.


toxic's bday wish (she's 6) was for candy bones that all go together to make skeletons for her closet..!

she got her wish!!!


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lost & found toys

cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!


  • by Edgar Allan Poe

    The skies they were ashen and sober;
    The leaves they were crisped and sere-
    The leaves they were withering and sere;
    It was night in the lonesome October
    Of my most immemorial year;
    It was hard by the dim lake of Auber,
    In the misty mid region of Weir-
    It was down by the dank tarn of Auber,
    In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

    Here once, through an alley Titanic,
    Of cypress, I roamed with my Soul-
    Of cypress, with Psyche, my Soul.
    These were days when my heart was volcanic
    As the scoriac rivers that roll-
    As the lavas that restlessly roll
    Their sulphurous currents down Yaanek
    In the ultimate climes of the pole-
    That groan as they roll down Mount Yaanek
    In the realms of the boreal pole.

    Our talk had been serious and sober,
    But our thoughts they were palsied and sere-
    Our memories were treacherous and sere-
    For we knew not the month was October,
    And we marked not the night of the year-
    (Ah, night of all nights in the year!)
    We noted not the dim lake of Auber-
    (Though once we had journeyed down here),
    Remembered not the dank tarn of Auber,
    Nor the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

    And now, as the night was senescent,
    And star-dials pointed to morn-
    As the star-dials hinted of morn-
    At the end of our path a liquescent
    And nebulous lustre was born,
    Out of which a miraculous crescent
    Arose with a duplicate horn-
    Astarte's bediamonded crescent
    Distinct with its duplicate horn.

    And I said–"She is warmer than Dian:
    She rolls through an ether of sighs-
    She revels in a region of sighs:
    She has seen that the tears are not dry on
    These cheeks, where the worm never dies,
    And has come past the stars of the Lion,
    To point us the path to the skies-
    To the Lethean peace of the skies-
    Come up, in despite of the Lion,
    To shine on us with her bright eyes-
    Come up through the lair of the Lion,
    With love in her luminous eyes."

    But Psyche, uplifting her finger,
    Said–"Sadly this star I mistrust-
    Her pallor I strangely mistrust:-
    Oh, hasten!–oh, let us not linger!
    Oh, fly!–let us fly!–for we must."
    In terror she spoke, letting sink her
    Wings until they trailed in the dust-
    In agony sobbed, letting sink her
    Plumes till they trailed in the dust-
    Till they sorrowfully trailed in the dust.

    I replied–"This is nothing but dreaming:
    Let us on by this tremulous light!
    Let us bathe in this crystalline light!
    Its Sybilic splendor is beaming
    With Hope and in Beauty to-night:-
    See!–it flickers up the sky through the night!
    Ah, we safely may trust to its gleaming,
    And be sure it will lead us aright-
    We safely may trust to a gleaming
    That cannot but guide us aright,
    Since it flickers up to Heaven through the night."

    Thus I pacified Psyche and kissed her,
    And tempted her out of her gloom-
    And conquered her scruples and gloom;
    And we passed to the end of the vista,
    But were stopped by the door of a tomb-
    By the door of a legended tomb;
    And I said–"What is written, sweet sister,
    On the door of this legended tomb?"
    She replied–"Ulalume–Ulalume-
    'Tis the vault of thy lost Ulalume!"

    Then my heart it grew ashen and sober
    As the leaves that were crisped and sere-
    As the leaves that were withering and sere-
    And I cried–"It was surely October
    On this very night of last year
    That I journeyed–I journeyed down here-
    That I brought a dread burden down here-
    On this night of all nights in the year,
    Ah, what demon has tempted me here?
    Well I know, now, this dim lake of Auber-
    This misty mid region of Weir-
    Well I know, now, this dank tarn of Auber,
    This ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir."

    Said we then, the two then,
    "Ah, can it have been
    That the woodlandish ghouls,
    The pitiful, the merciful ghouls,
    To bar up our way and to ban it
    From the secret that lies in these wolds,
    From the thing that lies hidden in these wolds,
    Have drawn up the spectre of a planet
    From the limbo of lunary souls,
    This sinfully scintillant planet
    From the Hell of the planetary souls..."

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!

ghost movie picks..

  • not necessarily in this order:
    1 Dead Man
    2 Notorious
    3 Bringing Up Baby
    4 It’s a Wonderful Life
    5 A.I.
    6 Pink Floyd/The Wall
    7 The City of Lost Children
    8 Orphans (Matthew Modine)
    9 The Effect of Gamma Rays on 
    Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds
    10 The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
    11 The Curse of the Cat People
    12 Pirates of the Caribbean 1, 2 & 3 
    13 Jan Svankmejer’s Alice
    14 Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
    15 Sybil
    16 Edward Scissorhands
    17 The Nightmare Before Christmas
    18 A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
    19 An Angel at My Table
    20 Rear Window
    21 The Wizard of Oz
    22 Oliver!
    23 King Kong (original)
    24 Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey
    25 Titus
    26 The Swimmer
    27 Monty Python & the Holy Grail
    28 Sergeant York
    29 A Streetcar Named Desire
    30 The Little Princess  (original)
    31 Immortal Beloved
    32 Life & Death
    33 The Little Fugitive
    34 Willy Wonka (both)
    35 Endless Summer
    36 Dead Poets Society
    37 Silence of the Lambs
    38 Instinct
    39 Sleepy Hollow
    40 Pollock
    41 Days of Wine & Roses
    42 Something Wicked This Way 
    43 James & the Giant Peach
    44 Lemony Snickett’s Series of 
    Unfortunate Events 
    45 The Shining (original)
    46 Harold & Maude
    47 Psycho
    48 The Road to Utopia (& others!)
    49 Monkey Business (Cary Grant)
    50 North By Northwest
    51 Spider Baby
    52 Golden Earrings
    53 The Miracle Worker
    54 The Neverending Story
    55 A Clockwork Orange
    56 Clash of the Titans
    57 The Outsiders
    58 Benny &Joon
    59 The Whisperers
    60 Angela’s Ashes
    61 Willow
    62 Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
    63 Polyester
    64 Scrooged
    65 Groundhog Day
    66 PeeWee’s Big Adventure
    67 The African Queen
    68 Victor/Victoria
    69 The Others
    70 From Hell
    71 Dreamchild
    72 The Paleface
    73 Another Woman
    74 Warlock
    75 Fanny & Alexander
    76 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
    77 Duel
    78 A Girl Named Sooner
    79 A Christmas Story
    80 Return to Oz
    81 Harry Potter (movies)
    82 Van Helsing 
    83 Don’t Look in the Basement
    84 Toy Story
    85 The Court Jester
    86 Murder, He Says
    87 Indiscreet
    88 Creepshow
    89 Mr Smith Goes to Washington
    90 Harvey
    91 Brainstorm
    92 Ed Wood
    93 Defending Your Life
    94 The Bells of St. Mary’s
    95 Going My Way
    96 This Property is Condemned
    97 Rebel Without a Cause
    98 Labyrinth
    99 Jabberwocky
    100 Cheech & Chong’s Nice Dreams
    101 Gone With the Wind
    102 6th Sense
    103 To Kill a Mockingbird
    104 Troll
    105 Small Soldiers
    106 Jumanji
    107 Mrs. Doubtfire
    108 Gaslight
    109 Take the Money and Run
    110 The Old Man and the Sea
    111 Hocus Pocus
    112 Witches
    113 Casablanca
    114 What About Bob
    115 The Godfather
    116 The Deer Hunter
    117 Raiders of the Lost Ark
    118 Greystoke: Legend of Tarzan
    119 Monty Python’s Meaning of Life 
    120 Eraserhead
    121 Arsenic & Old Lace
    122 Motel Hell
    123 Dial M for Murder
    124 The Other
    125 The Chronicles of Narnia
    126 Napoleon Dynamite
    127 SOB
    128 The Secret Garden
    129 Apocalypse Now
    130 Hide & Seek
    131 Eternal Sunshine Spotless Mind
    132 The Abandoned
    133 Pan's Labyrinth
    134 Kafka
    135 One Hour Photo
    136 Jack the Bear
    137 Fur: Diane Arbus
    138 Unforgiven
    139 Dances With Wolves
    140 Alice in Wonderland 2010
    141 True Grit (2010)
    142 The Wolfman (original & new)
    143 Universal Monsters (originals)
    144 The Road
    145 The Woman in Black
    146 Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
    147 Dark Shadows
    148 The Yellow Wallpaper
    149 Paranorman
    150 The Hobbit (all)
    151 Frankenweenie
    152 Oz the Great & Powerful
    153 The Raven 2012
    154 Snow White & the Huntsman
    155 The Elephant Man
    156 Hugo
    157 Rabbit-Proof Fence
    158 Mama
    159 My Side of the Mountain 1969
    160 Maleficent
    161 God Bless Ozzy (bio)
    162 The Book Thief
    163 Wakefield
    Gumby Adventures (original & new)
    The Twilight Zone episodes (original)
    The Outer Limits (original)
    The Night Gallery
    Davey & Goliath
    Mr Rogers Neighborhood
    Sesame Street (pre elmo!)
    Little House on the Prairie
    Monty Python’s Flying Circus
    Mystery Science Theater 3000
    Good Neighbors
    The Rockford Files
    Fawlty Towers
    Ripping Yarns
    Metamorphosis (play) 
    The Glass Menegerie(play)
    Death of a Salesman(play)
    Absurd Person Singular(play)
    I, Claudius (miniseries)
    The Chronicles of Narnia (miniseries)
    Merlin (miniseries)
    The Snowman (animated)
    The Selfish Giant (animated)
    Prokofiev's Peter & the Wolf 2006
    Secret of Kells (animated)
    Yellow Submarine (animated)
    Watership Down (animated)
    Peter Rabbit & Friends (animated)
    Frog & Toad (animated)
    Dr Seuss (animated shows)
    Kroft shows (Land of the Lost, etc…)
    Peanuts (animated shows)
    Felix the Cat (animated cartoons)
    The Oblongs (animated)
    The Addams Family (original series)
    The Munsters (original series)
    The Phantom Creeps (serial)
    Bill & Coo (live bird show)
    The Sopranos (series)
    Biggest Loser (series)
    All Rankin/Bass shows (Mad Monster
    Party, Daydreamer etc)
    Little Rascals/Our Gang comedies 
    Deadwood (series)
    Secrets of the Dead (series)
    Mantracker (series)
    Dual Survival (original series)
    Estate of Panic (series)
    Criminal Minds (series)
    Two Fat Ladies (series)
    History Detectives (series)
    Oregon Field Guide (series)
    Once Upon a Time (both series)
    Oddities (series)
    Odd Folks Home (series)
    The Incredible Dr Pol (series)
    Colbert Report (series)
    Bates Motel (series)
    Hannibal (series)
    Longmire (series)
    Treehouse Masters (series)
    The Blacklist (series)
    Life Below Zero (series)
    Sleepy Hollow (series)
    Dracula (series)
    Portlandia (series)
    The Walking Dead (series)
    Breaking Bad (series)
    Alaska: the Last Frontier (series)
    American Horror Story (series)
    Salem (series)
    Penny Dreadful (series)
    Chronicles of Lizzie Borden (series)
    Grimm (series)
    Fear of the Walking Dead (series)
    The Killing (series)
    The Fall (series)


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved


  • lunacy..
  • the happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations...