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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
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all rights reserved..

ghost stories
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  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
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Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
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family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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a POEtry reading...

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is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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things behind the sun (journals)
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january trees album ~
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halloween mini album ~
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home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space


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« i want a BeaN fEAsT!! | Main | things i say may seem stranger than sunday changing to monday.. »

April 26, 2008


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one day i'll answer the doorbell and the mailman will be there with no mail.. he'll just say, 'brenda, drink water!'
i think he's the only one left who hasn't told me to?

i'm a solitary ghost.. today i had to extend myself to get through a day with the 3d ones.. long story short we bought a car, i had to drive our cruiser home from quite aways.. new for me here..
then i took my stomach for a test.. we all had donuts & then later mex out for dinner.. (c'mon stomach, coffee, donut, enchilada.. can't we all just get along?)
in between it all i went for my much needed eye exam to get new glasses.. hard to do since i'm too nearsighted to see what new frames look like once i take my broken glasses off :/
but it all worked out and the humans there, including the dr were very nice and helpful to me.. go figure?

i seem to have 3 different bloody knuckles.. from dryness? i bump them and they bleed easily.. embarassing while trying on glasses with people close watching me..
thing is.. the pain i get all the time in my eyes turns out is a condition from chronic dry eyes and the dr told me no less than 10x i need to drink lots of water.. gave me new eyedrops, told me i have to take 2000mg of omega 3 each day.. (will my stomach handle this without puking?)
weird thing is they took retinal scans.. it turns out i have this great big freckle inside the back of my right eye.. not good really.. freckles/moles especially big and new can be a melanoma. not good. gotta go back in 6 mos. to see if it's changing/growing.

my great grandfather died of melanoma.

it's just a nice big green freckle.. that's all.

i come home and have a terrific anxiety attack. not panicky.. just pure fear. insecurity filling up the gap between my left shoulder and my right like thick black smoke.. i am so accustomed to my isolation that brushes with real people scare me to death. and new things, new glasses, breathing in something new.. how can i explain? my body starts to feel inflexible like i can't move and i wish i could talk to my old therapist like i used to forever ago. nothing touches that bad feeling. not my guys, kitties, home.. i have only ever really attached to people who never even know i am here.


another night of anxiety last night all over again.. something suddenly triggered a flare-up of my tmj.. i never know the cause..

i'm drinking water.. but like i've found before, as innocuous as water sounds it seems to make my stomach issues more troublesome, you'd think it would help, but i get esophageal reflux.. stomach/gi aches & cramps.. Fun!
but i'm trying to drink all i can anyway..
try as i may there's no way i could ever drink all the water i've been told to drink.. and i've heard the benefits of that kinda debunked anyway..

i've started the new eyedrops, but i can tell you already after looking online about omega 3.. no way my stomach will take it.. it's oil.. it'll make me sick. fish oil or flax oil, but fish oil is supposed to be better, and if your heart isn't pumping enough blood it can outright kill ya! great.. so it's water for me!!!!

but i definitely will be checking on the 'freckle' in 6 mos.!
this is what it looks like:
this link makes it sound pretty harmless..
but on a medical board i heard someone ask about their 'retinal freckle' & the dr said 'oh they're not nearly as dangerous as the 'back of the eye' kind..' !! ? !! (my kind) ug.

there's too much new good lyrics/songs to post these days.. radical face, unkle stiltskin, electric president (go buy their new cd that comes out in june! *it has already leaked - some people have it already! shh!!*)


we bought a good little used blue/green mitsubishi montero ls!


tmj tmj..


ongoing hailstorms today..
rain, thunder & lightning scaring my kitties..

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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
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