release your grip.. let me go into the night

freezing wind here in the gorge & a dead kitty in the icy street by my house. i don't care anymore what anyone fucking says.. this planet is just a bad place
& i want off.

opeth/harvest
stay with me a while
rise above the vile
name my final rest
poured into my chest
pledge yourself to me
never leave me be
sweat breaks on my brow
given time ends now
spirit painted sin
embers 'neath my skin
veiled in pale embrace
reached and touched my face
into the orchard i walk
peering way past the gate
wilted scenes for us who couldn't wait
drained by the coldest caress
stalking shadows ahead
halo of death.. all i see is departure
mourners lament but it's me who's the martyr..

/dirge for november
lost.. here is nowhere
searching home still
turning past me.. all are gone
time is now.. the omen showed
took me away
preparations are done
this can't last
the mirror reflection brought disgust
no ordeal to conquer this firm slit
it sheds upon the floor
dripping into a pool
grant me sleep
take me under
like the wings of a dove
folding around
i fade into this tender care..

/still day beneath the sun
there is a light that hits the gloom around
shows the footprints 'round this grave
dried up roses scattered on the mound
honouring the one engraved
will ever the morning carry away
the souls of those for whom we cry
leaving.. grieving.. seeking.. meeting
binding.. unwinding.. sighing 'you'
black procession through the narrow aisles
another's gone for all to see
near the site for one who lost his trials
sleeping 'neath the ground is me
still day beneath the sun
asking you who is the one
and when the day is late
we know who must forever wait..

Comments

[Tracy]

Hi Ghost...I'm not sure how this post finds you. I really hope you're ok. I don't want you to leave this world. This planet is a messed up place. I can't make heads or tails of it 99% of the time. My Matthew is gone. My best friend is in the ground. And god my therapist is going through more than anyone should have to. She is by far one of the most amazing people I know yet both her sisters are suffering with cancer and she is going to have a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy to try and avoid it. I feel so wrong bitching to her about my problems when she is going through so much more than I can imagine and truly I do love her. Not in a weird way but for her being a good person. It puts so much in perspective. Yet at the same time it makes no sense at all. And I know you suffer and I hurt for you because you too are a great person with so much to give. And I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I'm trying to cling to work and weight loss just to hang on to myself. I want to cut more than I can put into words. I don't even know why. Sometimes the people in my head make sense. They know what I'm worth and what I deserve. I'm sorry if this post makes no sense. Just add me to the lost and confused. I really want to help you feel better. If there is anything I can do or say. I send lots of kitty love. Talk to you soon, Tracy

[ghost]

hi tracy..
thanks..
i'm just having a hard time caring about things these days.. maybe it's a defense mechanism?
tonight at powell's books here in portland is a book signing i want to go to.. autumn de'wilde will be there signing books.. (the elliott smith photo book she published recently..) i have it, it's really beautiful and there will be larger prints there you can buy.. i want one.. but i'm such an agoraphobic.. i'm too anxious to go..
there will be others from sweetaddy.. never know, elliott's dad or sisters could show up? it just gets in the way to be such a fucking recluse as i am.
i might go and peek from one of the aisles.. if i am brave..

as for life, i am just going through the motions..
take care,
ghost & kitty girls

[ghost]

update:

I WENT!!!!!

my hubby talked me into it..
i survived..
he's the photographer so he got several good pix..
(check out the 'portland haunts' album and scroll to the very bottom..)
sean croghan was there playing records, autumn & her daughter, arrow, joanna bolme, britt daniel of 'spoon'
geez.. first the news & now the indie art scene.. i'm really pushing the envelope for being such a recluse..

ghost