snowball in hell: release your grip.. let me go into the night

About

a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)

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rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost

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ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

ghost toy catalogue

an inventory of toys & collectibles vintage & new including toxic's toys, toxic's library & halloweeniana..

~ copyright 2011 all rights reserved

the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

ghost links..

XXX..............RIP..............XXX here lies the psychconnection archive.. click here to peruse the remains (what's left after many members' posts were removed) of our dead support forum in the deepfreeze of this cybermorgue..
go ask alice when she's 10 feet tall... this alice is my other self.. she's always there lurking behind me...
papercuts ~
(my poetry & short stories...)
WARNING! this site contains graphic language and subject matter related to self injury...
soon after dark, emily cries... gazing through trees in sorrow, hardly a sound till tomorrow... cosmic debris/emily strange
last.. but not least.. my website.. where all the happy little gumbys & pokeys have come home to gumbyland.. the secret gallery.. and other cool stuff..

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)

a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)

www.flickr.com

Go to ghost at the gate's photostream

january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

mini albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved

My Other Accounts

self-injury support links..

american mcgee's alice... she looks kinda familiar? ...!
safehaven -
i'm snowballinhell here...
WARNING!* these sites contain graphic language and/or images & subject matter related to self injury...
broken smiles -
i'm snowballinhell here..
WARNING!*
alice through the looking glass.. go ask alice.. i think she'll know..
INVALIDATION kills.
down the rabbit hole..
i'm snowballinhell here..
WARNING!*
this site has links to a whole bunch of self-injury support forums..

ghost gamelinks..

ghost's top eleven rpg's:
#1 ~ down the rabbit hole... "here's a riddle.. when is a croquet mallet like a billy club? ..i'll tell you... whenever you want it to be..." cheshire cat to alice (american mcgee's alice: the original) this game is my favorite above all others...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thank you thank you mr mcgee for alice madness returns!!! (with the original i still rate these the best!)
#2 is primal, especially the wraith world where i felt right at home.. what a relief to play a strong female for a change, and with scree the gargoyle at my side... loved this game and want more!!!
#3 is fable/fable:lost chapters/fable 2.. get lost in this incredible world and determine your own fate... good or evil.. or somewhere in between... fable 3 is out!!!
#4 city of lost children.. based on the french movie of the same name.. you are miette, an orphan, use your thieving and sneaking skills to free the childrens' souls from the evil inventor who is stealing their dreams...
tied at #4 the kingdom hearts games (2).. disney meets final fantasy! play in disney worlds alongside jack skellington in halloweentown, jack sparrow in the caribbean or alice at the mad tea party..
#5 is van helsing.. if you liked the movie, play this gothic masterpiece and face werewolves, the frankenstein monster, mr hyde and count dracula himself...
#6 are all of the lord of the rings games, which are all worth mastering, including the hobbit game.. (watch out for the spiders!)
& the old classic snes lord of the rings.. (another good old favorite.. i spent forever lost in the barrow downs...)
#7 are all the ultima games.. my favorites were 'quest of the avatar' and 'the false prophet'.. but if you like the classics try out 'black gate' and 'exodus' and the other oldies..
#8 is the original nes game shadowgate.. the one that turned me into an rpg junkie in the first place all those years ago.. hunched over my controller in the dark in my camper in the middle of the night.. still a classic...
#9 is final fantasy, but i'm an old time gamer, so i mean the original final fantasy games on nes/snes like 1, 2, 3 + mystic quest.. still the best even without the graphics of the newer games...
#10 is lemony snickett's series of unfortunate events.. ok, so this game is not terribly hard..
(i was able to complete it even while fairly intoxicated..) it is still creative and fun if you enjoyed the movie, which i did...
i needed a #11 on my list for all the honorable mentions.. unforgettable games like wizardry, king arthur's world, tombs & treasures, deja vu, faxanadu, the immortal, breath of fire and the dragon warrior games.. also baldur's gate, the ren & stimpy games that wrecked my nerves, zombies ate my neighbors, fester's quest, maniac mansion!!! ...gasp... too many to remember... aargghh! all those years spent in the dark deep in some labyrinth scribbling cryptic notes and maps.. is that what is was that made me mad? or did they save me from madness...? the world may never know.. (p.s. i never made it without biting..)
!X! a bonus: i absolutely approve of the gamecube's eternal darkness: sanity's requiem.. lovecraftian & hallucinogenic.. i dare you!
the post-apocalyptic fallout games, F3, new vegas & F4 coming soon!
dante's inferno ~ go to hell!
gothic victorian lovecraftian bloodshed :D bloodborne!
i highly approve of the other from software games besides bloodborne, demon's souls & dark souls 1, 2 & 3.. not for the faint of heart, gotta get good for these!

ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

our game gallery..

home to oblivion..

ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
NEW ELDER SCROLLS!!
SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
& more dlc to come!
the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..
come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)
so many ways to die..
realms of madness..
a friend in highcross town..
bonus morrowind footage..
welcome to skyrim..

featured ghosttube..

baby tabitha begs pitifully at the back door.. she now has over 300,000 views!
p.s. i am not a godless soulless monster..

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ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

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January 01, 2008

release your grip.. let me go into the night

freezing wind here in the gorge & a dead kitty in the icy street by my house. i don't care anymore what anyone fucking says.. this planet is just a bad place
& i want off.

opeth/harvest
stay with me a while
rise above the vile
name my final rest
poured into my chest
pledge yourself to me
never leave me be
sweat breaks on my brow
given time ends now
spirit painted sin
embers 'neath my skin
veiled in pale embrace
reached and touched my face
into the orchard i walk
peering way past the gate
wilted scenes for us who couldn't wait
drained by the coldest caress
stalking shadows ahead
halo of death.. all i see is departure
mourners lament but it's me who's the martyr..

/dirge for november
lost.. here is nowhere
searching home still
turning past me.. all are gone
time is now.. the omen showed
took me away
preparations are done
this can't last
the mirror reflection brought disgust
no ordeal to conquer this firm slit
it sheds upon the floor
dripping into a pool
grant me sleep
take me under
like the wings of a dove
folding around
i fade into this tender care..

/still day beneath the sun
there is a light that hits the gloom around
shows the footprints 'round this grave
dried up roses scattered on the mound
honouring the one engraved
will ever the morning carry away
the souls of those for whom we cry
leaving.. grieving.. seeking.. meeting
binding.. unwinding.. sighing 'you'
black procession through the narrow aisles
another's gone for all to see
near the site for one who lost his trials
sleeping 'neath the ground is me
still day beneath the sun
asking you who is the one
and when the day is late
we know who must forever wait..

06:02 PM in Current Affairs, Music, psychotherapy, Weblogs | Permalink

Comments

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Hi Ghost...I'm not sure how this post finds you. I really hope you're ok. I don't want you to leave this world. This planet is a messed up place. I can't make heads or tails of it 99% of the time. My Matthew is gone. My best friend is in the ground. And god my therapist is going through more than anyone should have to. She is by far one of the most amazing people I know yet both her sisters are suffering with cancer and she is going to have a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy to try and avoid it. I feel so wrong bitching to her about my problems when she is going through so much more than I can imagine and truly I do love her. Not in a weird way but for her being a good person. It puts so much in perspective. Yet at the same time it makes no sense at all. And I know you suffer and I hurt for you because you too are a great person with so much to give. And I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I'm trying to cling to work and weight loss just to hang on to myself. I want to cut more than I can put into words. I don't even know why. Sometimes the people in my head make sense. They know what I'm worth and what I deserve. I'm sorry if this post makes no sense. Just add me to the lost and confused. I really want to help you feel better. If there is anything I can do or say. I send lots of kitty love. Talk to you soon, Tracy

Posted by: Tracy | January 02, 2008 at 06:22 PM

hi tracy..
thanks..
i'm just having a hard time caring about things these days.. maybe it's a defense mechanism?
tonight at powell's books here in portland is a book signing i want to go to.. autumn de'wilde will be there signing books.. (the elliott smith photo book she published recently..) i have it, it's really beautiful and there will be larger prints there you can buy.. i want one.. but i'm such an agoraphobic.. i'm too anxious to go..
there will be others from sweetaddy.. never know, elliott's dad or sisters could show up? it just gets in the way to be such a fucking recluse as i am.
i might go and peek from one of the aisles.. if i am brave..

as for life, i am just going through the motions..
take care,
ghost & kitty girls

Posted by: ghost | January 03, 2008 at 02:08 PM

update:

I WENT!!!!!

my hubby talked me into it..
i survived..
he's the photographer so he got several good pix..
(check out the 'portland haunts' album and scroll to the very bottom..)
sean croghan was there playing records, autumn & her daughter, arrow, joanna bolme, britt daniel of 'spoon'
geez.. first the news & now the indie art scene.. i'm really pushing the envelope for being such a recluse..

ghost

Posted by: ghost | January 03, 2008 at 09:55 PM

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lost & found toys

cat girl

xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
seeing is deceiving..
$@x!^&*#%!/
love bites.
life sucks.
"but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
"oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
"we're all mad here.
i'm mad. you're mad."
"how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
"you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
"to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
"i suppose so," said Alice.
"well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
but why is the rum gone?!
***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
crank up your speakers!!

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