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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he/she except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
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toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved
halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space


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« DOWN is the new UP.. | Main | at least mommy died.. »

December 16, 2007


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hey ghost...if i ever needed help i need it now. i don't even know where to begin. the pain is so bad it is eating me away from the inside out. like this terrible plague of blackness and despair. i just got discharged from the psych hospital today. i spent 12 days there. i still want to hurt myself and killing myself dances in and out of my brain. oh god's just too horrible. my sweet baby, my boyfriend, my best friend...he walked in front of a train and killed himself. i feel ripped in half. i have sobbed more than i ever imagined that i could. the pain is relentless. i ended up in the hospital bc i was suicidal and cut a whole bunch. but how could i not. one of the very few people that truly understood me and still loved me is gone and never can come back again. my heart hurts and there are no words i can use to make it all make sense. i feel like i failed him. i feel like maybe there was one more thing i could have done for him. i feel like why couldn't he have taken me with him. i want to cut. loads of x's all over the place. i want to see the blood and know the pain exists somehow. if i do they'll just put me back in the hospital or in some sort of long term facility. then i'll lose my job and everything. i kind of feel like i've lost it all already. in the hospital the three people in my head multiplied and replicated until i had around 300 people in chorus telling me to hurt myself and what a useless waste of space i am. i tend to agree with them. i ate too much in the hospital too and put on some weight which seems so stupid to care about but it only make me hate myself more. oh god...there is no god. if there was one why wouldn't he have helped matt? matt was the sweetest soul. we just fit. he used to say that all the time. he called me his pretty kitty. i called him smokey. i smoked two cigarettes in his honor while in the hospital. i thought it was kind of fitting. and then tonite the worst thing happened. i had two voice messages saved from him on my phone and i guess they were old and my phone deleted them. now even his beautiful voice has been stolen from me. i'm going to visit his grave probably this weekend. i want to burn a copy of his favorite cd (everclear) and leave it there for him. I'd hate to to think of him all alone without the comfort of music. i really feel like i'm losing it ghost. i put on this stupid plastic face for everyone and tell them how i'm handling it but really i'm crumbling apart. nothing seems to matter anymore. how can i think that work, christmas cards, showering anything is important in the face of losing him. and on top of all this my sister put herself in the icu with a suicide attempt and she is currently out of the hospital but very actively suicidal. i am too but i can't let anyone know. they think i'm the strong one and i don't want to let anyone down. i'm a mess ghost. i'm so sorry to go on and on i just don't know what else to do except type for my life. luckily i am loooking down at my beautiful baby luna loo all curled up in a snuggly blanket and sleeping. she is possibly the most beautiful thing ever. well, i should try to sleep. though some cruel bastard seems to have stolen that from me. i took double my dose of klonipin and two tylenol pm's and i'm still awake. and awake ='s pain. i really hope this post finds you better and having a nice december. please write back and let me know how you are doing. i would really love to hear from you. much kitty love, tracy


sometimess i feel like a motherless child..
sometimes i feel like a motherless child..
sometimes i feel like a motherless child
a long way from my home..


sometimes i feel like i'm almost gone
sometimes i feel like i'm almost gone
sometimes i feel like i'm almost gone
a long long long way wayy from home..


hey tracy,
i hope you received my email reply ok to the above post?
i just got an email that my blog host added this new spam filter thing, that's why it wouldn't post you.. but i checked 'publish' and it appeared above so i hope now you are in the system and it won't block you out anymore..
keep in touch,

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lost & found toys

visit my around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved

cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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