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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

ghost toy catalogue

  • spookytown
    an inventory of toys & collectibles vintage & new including toxic's toys, toxic's library & halloweeniana..

    ~ copyright 2011 all rights reserved
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved
halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

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November 24, 2007


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current moon phase:
100% of full

i'm so fucking weak.
i am indeed bought,
paid for & owned.



dear god my insides..

back to my sober little dance with despair.
g h o s t


fuck. fuck. fuck.
i w a n t i t b a c k !!!
i don't care.
i'll risk the deathly sick.
i just want it fucking back and that's all i know..

where is a genius dr when you need one handy? i mean maybe it's not my heart, maybe i'm still anemic.. or maybe it's just my stomach.. my insides have been shot half my life.. it's probably just that. if so i couldn't care less.

trial & error time..
beer & wine are just a waste of my time.. but maybe switching poisons?
maybe it's the orange juice i mix up screwdrivers with..? haha..
wouldn't that be a good one on me after all this..
worth a shot.

back from the clutches of sobriety,


hey, i haven't been able to stop by in awhile and things don't sound too good. i know drinking can be so good. i'd be a liar to pretend it isn't. i've been drinking a bit lately which i'm not supposed to do on my meds. but PLEASE be careful. it goes without saying that you are a very awesome person who definitely doesn't need alcohol but if you have to drink just be careful. i worry. it's the carebear in me. otherwise i really hope this note finds you well. i'm not doing so great. i started seeing this guy matt and he became my boyfriend. he's really a great guy. we kind of get each other. but he's got a lot of problems too. mostly that he is homeless and has like no money. it's hard enough just to have mental illness so he must be totally overwhelmed. i spoke to him yesterday and he was considering going into the hospital and was having all kinds of suicidal thoughts. now i haven't spoken to him since then and i'm SO scared. i want so bad to help him but i just don't know how and i want more than anything to know that he is safe. i just give up. i'm so depressed. i hate taking my meds and want to stop. who cares about them anyway. and i want to cut myself SOOOOO bad. i haven't in awhile and i really don't care anymore. nothing would feel better than to just bleed. it just seems to be the only thing that makes sense. and i want to drink...bad. but i can't bc my new meds made me gain some weight so i'm on a rather serious diet. nothing seems to make sense anymore. work is overwhelming, life is overwhelming. i just want to disappear. sorry to go on and on. it's just that you're one of the few people who really understands. moving was your thanksgiving? i hope it was really nice. i ate too much but i'm getting over that. i was in vermont. matt came with me and we had such a nice time. i miss him so much. well, i better get going. dinner time. send my love to the kitties and please please take care.

much love,
tracy and luna


hi tracy!
i ate too much for thanksgiving.. :( i have also gained a couple lbs and it's adding to my overall state of unhappiness at the moment. it's really great that you met someone you really care about that way.. how sad that he's on the streets.. i feel so bad for the young people around here on the streets in the wintertime.. we have alot of them here in portland.. and my sister has been out there that way many times.. my brother in law at one point.. it is just too easy when you don't have a supportive family and you have to deal with emotional stuff, you know? i always feared ending up in a cardboard box myself.. guess that's why my security is so like obsessively important to me.. that fear. for me & my son & kitties.. (otherwise i kid you not, i'd have left this marriage long ago.) i hope he's getting stablized and gets in touch with you soon..
the drinking problem.. oh man, what have i done? i went 2+ years this time, and then i went and let the demon back out and i've had horrendous cravings since. it's like i'm 2 people.. 99% of me wants that drink RIGHT NOW. and i try to see that objectively as a craving my addicted brain is tormenting me with.. the other 1% has a tiny little voice and is just glad to not be experiencing the 'deathly sick' i get from it.. it truly is like poison to me now for some reason..
over time it has gotten to about 90% to 10% so i hope it'll get easier..?

i dunno.
i have this way of just throwing all caution aside and diving in out of pure despair.

the little board i started is doing really well, the people there are super nice hand picked folks.. you should come over and join.. we need all the support we can share, cause that's all we have.
there are a few other ed/si folk there too..

it's here:

it's frosty cold here.. i drove home in a snow/rain mix last night.. hoping to get some new winter cemeteria pix once there's enough snow on the ground..
my o/h has a 3 day weekend, so i want to get out of here before i do anything drastic.. like si.

oh p.s.
i like to torture velma dinkley, you remember her from the scooby doo mysteries? i had an old x friend that reminded me of her.. hehe.. so there's a new photo album (left) of her little 'mishaps' if you want a chuckle..

hang tough,


i am my own worst torment.

it's cold, about to snow..
and i'm trying not to think about my russian friend's arms around me to keep me warm and safe.

fuckall.. it's like trying to not look at something looming right in front of me. not fair!

trying all distractions..
bd's out setting up our frontyard xmas decos.. i said i'd pile pangtoongles on the floor and string up the house with hoohoo fluff. that's about my speed.

got my sister's annual xmas gift box all packed (w/o cigarettes now that she has emphysema.. :/ ) and then received a note from my mom to hold onto it till further notice 'cause she's back in the hospital suicidal.. it's day to day where she'll be..

never can be sure what the hell is happening really since she's been in the system so long if she wants out of a board & care residence she knows what to say to get out..

but then she's actually tried to kill herself so many times it's crazy. last time she od'd on her meds and fell unconscious.. hit her head on the sink.

& did i mention my family are all out of their fucking minds?

merry merry xmas..
here it comes.
cheers. ha ha


it's been really hard.
alcohol is just like home.
hubby's suddenly been very helpful and kind.. he just wants to help me stay sober this time..
i go back & forth thinking i'll be ok, then thinking it's only a matter of when.. the deathly sick will probably stop me..
it's like naturally occurring antabuse..

i need bigger bandaids

it snowed yesterday..


Hey Ghost. You definitely have to hang in there too. You are needed to much to let the alcohol and the deathly sick get you. It's so hard. I want to turn to my si right now SO bad and i'm hanging on by the minute. The only reason i'm not drinking too is bc i'm really really trying to lose the extra weight from the new meds and me just being a fat horse. I'm sorry to hear about your sister. My bf is still pretty troubled too. He promised to call me today and I haven't heard a word. That leaves me sick with worry and crying all day. I never know if he'll be hurt, in the hospital or whatever. Sometimes it's just too hard too care about people. it always ends up in hurt and more hurt. I just don't know what I can do to help him. I feel like it's all my fault. i just want the hurt to stop and i can only think of one way to do that, si, and i'm not supposed to do that anymore. i feel like exploding. ick. somehow the holiday spirit escapes me at the moment. I really hope you're doing better and I'm always here somehow or another. Sending much kitty love, Tracy and Luna

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lost & found toys

cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved


  • lunacy..
  • the happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations...

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