you're starting to spin in your circle again..

zero/sp
my reflection.. dirty mirror
is no connection to myself
i'm your lover.. i'm your zero
<<< i'm the face <<<
in your dreams of glass
so save your prayers
for when we're really gonna need 'em
throw all your cares and fly
wanna go for a ride?
she's the one for me..
she's all i really need.. oh yeah..
she's the one for me..
emptiness is loneliness
and loneliness is cleanliness
and cleanliness is godliness.. and god is empty..
just like me.
intoxicated with the madness
i'm in love with my sadness
bullshit fakers..  enchanted kingdoms..
the fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
i never let on that i was on a sinking ship
i never let on that i was down.
you blame yourself for what you can't ignore
you blame yourself for wanting more
she's the one for me..
she's all i really need.. oh yeah..
she's the one for me..
she's my one and only.

..back to headacheland for me!
i just read this wiki bit somewhere..
"Dysthymia is a long-term, mild depression that lasts for a minimum of two years. There must be persistent depressed mood continuously for at least two years. By definition the symptoms are not as severe as with Major Depression, although those with Dysthymia are vulnerable to co-occurring episodes of Major Depression. This disorder often begins in adolescence and crosses the lifespan. People who are diagnosed with major depressive episodes and dysthymic disorder are diagnosed with double depression. Dysthymic disorder develops first and then one or more major depressive episodes happen later."  .. well no fucking wonderr - ghost
p.s. 
boys go to jupiter and get more stupider.
girls go to mars and become rock stars!
toxic

Comments

[ghost]

my son wrote this and sent it to me.. i thought it was interesting..

Observational Astronomy

Constellation Project – Perseus
Perseus is a northern constellation that was named after the Greek hero who killed the gorgon Medusa. The brightest star in this constellation is known today as Alpha Persei, but it was known traditionally as Mirfak, which is Arabic for the word elbow. It is at a distance of 590 light-years away and it has a diameter of about 62 times our Sun. Another interesting star that is part of Perseus is called Algol, which again in Arabic means “the demon star” or “the ghoul star”. This star is interesting because it represents the eye of the monster Medusa, which was taken from her by Perseus after the death of the gorgon. This star is only 93 light-years away and is used as a prototype for a large group of eclipsing variable stars. An eclipsing variable star is a star that exhibits quite apparent changes in its brightness that is caused by a perspective effect. It is interesting because the Perseus constellation has many different celestial objects within it boundaries, one of which houses the brightest known object in the universe. Two of the celestial objects that are within Perseus’s boundaries are NGC 869 and NGC 884, which are sometimes together called the Double Cluster because although they both lie at distances of more than 7000 light-years away, they are separated by only several hundred light-years or so. Another celestial object known as M76 also sits within the boundaries of Perseus. It is a planetary nebula and is also sometimes called the Little Dumbbell Nebula because of its resemblance to the Dumbbell Nebula in M27. It is one of the most hard to see objects on Charles Messier’s list. NGC 1499, or the California Nebula, is located in the boundaries of the constellation of Perseus and is classified as an emission nebula. An emission nebula is a cloud of ionized gas, or plasma, that emits light of various colors. The California Nebula is at a distance of around 1000 light-years from earth. The celestial object NGC 1333 is a reflection nebula, which is simply a cloud of dust that reflects the light of nearby stars. Personally, I think that the most interesting celestial object within Perseus is NGC 1260, because it is the spiral galaxy that houses what is now known as the brightest object in our observable universe. The supernova (SN) 2006gy was discovered quite recently in September of last year, in 2006. Because of its extremely energetic nature as a supernova, it is sometimes referred to as a hypernova. The core of a hypernova collapses directly into a black hole and two extremely energetic jets of plasma are emitted at nearly the speed of light. In May of this year, 2007, astronomers announced some of the first analyses of the hypernova, in which they described it as the brightest stellar explosion ever to be recorded. NGC 1260 is about 238 million light-years away from earth. Therefore, the hypernova occurred 238 million years ago. 2006gy was around 150 times the mass of our sun and was about 10 times more powerful than the average supernova explosion.

my son has taught me more about astronomy than i've ever known in my life.. right from our own driveway..
-ghost

[Emma]

Cool. I just bought a copy (well 3 copies because I know some people are going to beg me for mine) of H.A. Ray's The Stars: A New Way to See them. It is an amazing book that simplifies some pretty confusing astonomy concepts. I actually was introduced to it by an Astronomy Professor at Stony Brook in a graduate class! It also helps with identifing constellations. The author is the author of the curious george books and the illustrations are the same (by his wife?).
Nice report by Dan!
Em

[ghost]

you mean the guy in the big white hat? lol..
i'll mention that book to dan.. he snagged another A for that astronomy class..
we used to say about dan when he was small.. 'he was always a good little monkey.. and always very curious..' from curious george..

so much easier to see the stars here than it was in la.. too much light pollution, i guess..

how are things going, em? still getting positive results from the somatic therapy? wonder how you are also doing re: therapy?
as much as we seem to be dying to have our needed attachments, i sometimes wonder/fear that if my attachment need were ever met that somehow i might just then get bored and be over it/turn dismissive.. then what?
but not having reached that point, i dunno..

lately i've reached a point of just not caring.
it's a relief kinda, to stop trying.. i just watch tv instead.. and i finally broke my long chocolate fast and added chocolate chip cookie dough (lite) ice cream to my diet.. so i eat ice cream and watch tv. i have been very hooked on that new show 'most evil' and all these forensic shows and crime stuff..
and i've noticed that 'cops' is on just about all the time..
i just never seem to stop feeling so endlessly tired.

it does all just sort of fuel my obsessive criminal fantasy life though.. which is probably not good.
but it's all i've got.
oh..
and i'm entering all the publisher's clearing house contests.. lol.. i'll win enough dough to realize all my schemes..
hehe.
ghost

[ghost]

p.s.
interesting you mention stony brook? i just found a link to the stony brook attachment lab while googling today if you're interested:

http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/online/online_index.html

wonder if it's an ongoing research lab?

[ghost]

headaches headaches in a row..
into the abyss i go..

well at least they keep me from acting on the sudden cravings for liquor.
bye bye!

[Emma]

Hey!
How are you? I got that book and yes, it is the guy in the big hat. It is so cute - and useful. Crunchy and chewy :)
Yeah, I saw your stony brook post and checked it out. It is really good. That is my school! Didn't get a chance to check everything out, but I did read a couple of articles. Thanks for the link.
I have not been able to post because I started teaching and am working on lessons every night. I am getting sleep deprived, but I have noticed that as much as I hate being busy, it keeps my mind off other things and I feel less emotional. Figure. The only releif from the hell of my feelings is the hell of work. What a world.

I see your note about liquor. I have not had a drink since the first week of August. I really want to get drunk! Every time I think to do it, I try to imagine telling K and how disappointed she would be and so I hang on. I am still so gone on her :( I really cannot imagine never drinking again. I don't think I can do this. But, I have lost weight because of it, which is nice. But I'm just smoking more pot.

Can't get the somatic thing going. The schedule is really difficult. Also, I have a fear of taking on another K, you know? I mean I am so AD with her and I am so voracious I could just imagine me taking on two of them (Both parents?). Good god.

How's the migraines? How are you? I read the posts more than I respond. Sorry about that, but I am sincerely swamped.

My sister's step son killed himself in her basement last weekend. Now I don't think I'll be thinking about suicide anymore, having seen its effects up close. It's amazing how people react. Like they can't for the LIFE of them even begin to understand why someone would do that. They are so closed minded and lack any empathy. People said he was selfish and I tried to defend him, but you had to see the look on their faces when it began to seem like the suject was familiar to me (oops!I shut up). They don't understand chronic deep pain. Lucky them.
See ya round ghost,
em

[ghost]

em,
i'm sorry about your 'step nephew'?.. another one lost to the abyss we all know so well..

good job on the (almost) 2 months sobriety.. welll.. you know what i mean.. at least pot is less evil.. hehe..
i tried out the idea on john that since 'now that i'm healthy' and all that.. 'maybe it wouldn't kill me if i had a drink..'

ha ha ha ha.
even i wasn't buying it.. and he definitely wasn't.. :(
.. in truth i feel no healthier though..

but at least the last migraine has passed.. there's nothing like being in intense pain for a few days to make you appreciate just feeling alive again when it all finally goes away..
i actually felt good today.
good enough i even kinda almost liked myself..
got outside and had sum fun. it's fall! and it's cold at night so i can finally sleep!

i bought a fun vintage velma doll on ebay yesterday.. she's on her way now.. (did i ever mention the uncanny similarity between velma from the scooby doo mysteries and a certain x therapist i may have mentioned?..) well, now when i am overtaken with homicidal intensity i can put pins in her eyes for not loving me like i did her.. that's only fair isn't it?
ghost

[emma]

oh shit! now that is funny! More than fair, ghost. More than fair :)

[Shannon]

Hey um.
I like your bloggy site Here. You seem to be into a lot of the same stuff I am, like Alice and Elliott..anyway.
I stumbled upon a post you made in Trash Treasury. And then I found your poison well webpage that had somne elliott Smith klyrics on it that I didnt know existed. Can you tell me which albums these songs are on?
- Temper
-Something to Lose
-NIghtcap
-Idler
-Everybody Has It
-The Corner Seat
-Collect to NYC
-Busted Lip
-Blackout
-Bastard John
-Unlucky charm

Thanks.
P.s. What's your favorite Elliott Tune of all time? It's so hard to chooooose!

[ghost]

hi shannon..
hey you picked all the old heatmiser tunes.. when elliott sang with his old band? they were a little different.. louder/punkish mostly.. but ya gotta check out 'mic city sons' at the very least..
the others are 'yellow #5' 'dead air' & 'cop & speeder'..
unlucky charm is an old very rare track (i'm sure it's up at the treasury..) and everybody has it was a heatmiser vinyl single..

my favorite elliott tune..
aarrgh.. so hard.. i can narrow it down to a few:
going nowhere
king's xing
between the bars
miss misery
the fix is in
pretty mary k (other version..)
christian brothers..

oh, i'll just go on and on!

glad you like the ghost blog :)
ghost