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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« you're starting to spin in your circle again.. | Main | i n r a i n b o w s / / »

September 26, 2007


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cutting again..


and again..
i recut directly over the last cuts.

i'm so tired & depressed.. and we've reached DB7 this weekend.. (devastatingly bored level #7) .. i'm about to do 'total obliteration' with my arms and 'judgment day' with my body like my son's gundam robots.. it's bad.

i'm so chronically tired and/or in pain i feel like i have nothing left to offer anymore.
depression has swallowed me whole..
i've given up.


hey ghost. i'm sad to hear you're cutting again. i so want good things for you. don't give up!!! please. i know you're strong enough. i know how hard it is too though. i cut again too. this did not go over well with my therapist. she made me bring my mom in. it was so mortifying!!! i felt like such a loser. she thinks that sooner or later i'm going to cut and really hurt myself. i miss the days really badly where i could just cut and no one knew except you and the others online. at least then it was mine. now i have no control. so i'm sorry you cut again but i understand. i want to cut so sosososososososo bad right now. all the blood and goodness of it all. i ache for it. does that make me crazy?? I don't know. please don't hurt yourself too bad though. i worry. anyway not much by me except trying not to cut so they don't send me to a long term treatment facility. ick. i hope you're good otherwise and that i hear from you soon. i'm sending all my kitty love your way. nite, tracy


thanks :) kitty love is the very best kind..

now that the weather's cold i'm squashed with kitty love with 7 of them.. i'm warm though..

therapy with your mom :0
geez, that would be my ultimate freakout.. i hope you can cut back (no pun intended) enough to stay OP..

yeah.. i did ok for a good long spell.. then it just came over me.. this quiet.. i don't know how else to describe it.. and i knew i was going to cut.. and no one would know.. the secrecy of it seemed too perfect.
then i went back the next day and cut the same cuts deeper.. then i felt like it was enough and i've stopped again.
it is hard to resist as it kills off any appetite.. and makes me so sleepy.

we went shopping at the halloween spirit store today that just opened up.. i bought fangs, blood, some glow-in-the-dark thing (toxic likes anything that glows in the dark..) and a little ghost that now hangs in my closet..

it's getting really cold.
i'm glad..

i'm just gonna hibernate and watch movies through this rain and hail.. i just bought vincent price's 'house on haunted hill', 'village of the giants' & 'the dunwich horror' (hp lovecraft) on used dvd super cheap at a local video store that was closing down.. i'm gonna watch them all..
i like tv.

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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