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« the love that i feel is so far away.. i'm a bad dream that i just had today. | Main | you're starting to spin in your circle again.. »

August 27, 2007


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i'm trying so hard to just let certain things go..
just let it all go.
it's either that or become a serial killer of some kind..


i stayed up with my son to watch the lunar eclipse from just before the umbra shadow through totality and into the prenumbra shadow before i crashed.. it was a cool ruddy reddish brown..

but then i still had trouble going to sleep thinking about a show i watched on IFC last night called 'the bridge'.. it's all video of people jumping off the golden gate bridge and telling their stories through friends & family.. geez.
several were schizophrenics just like my sister..

but the one that really got to me was a young man named gene who reminded me of my son in ways.. dressed in black with his black shades and long rocker hair.. he kept turning and trying to keep his hair from blowing right into his eyes the way my son always does.. friends say he'd been talking of doing it forever.. spent all his time in his room on his pc.. his mom, his only close family had died of cancer.. he felt he couldn't live unless he met someone he really loved.. and he was only like 24? also they said the day he jumped there was a message on his machine offering him a management position at a gamestop store.. (so like my son again..) if only that message had come sooner maybe it would've turned out differently?
he stood working up his nerve a long time and then stood on the railing and let himself fall backwards the way i always picture myself doing.. really got to me..

did i mention that i'm in the land of fucking bridges and waterfalls and romantic high places?

now i just so don't want that to be my end..

my life has been full to the top with suicidal ideation for as long as i can remember.. going over every scenario imaginable.. 50/50 success/survival rate.. and the survival scenarios are just based on fantasy.. you know.. someone actually helps.. suicide has a powerful draw.
real help would be so much better..
but what are your options? get locked up and drugged? no thank you..
i just never want to hurt my loved ones..
and i just pray my son doesn't inherit any more of my fucked up family dna.
it's such a sad sad thing. those folks working up their nerve..
i don't think most people are understanding what it's like to be in ongoing pain and ache? and need a way out? and trying to be happy and keep a sense of humor, trying to keep a family together and ok.. they were saying he was still fun to be around.. i know all about that.. i have to be that.
why is there no real help?

on the subject of AD:
i was just reading someone's post over at adsg about recent evidence showing that cognitive therapy does not help with AD due to the very trust issue we've had to learn the hard way.. therapy is a big lie.. it's not real.
we want to think different.. with some of us our ad forces us to.. so we painfully try to seek this professional help and have no choice but to become attached.. only to find we're being screwed the same way we were in the first place..
that caused our original problem.
what could be more painful?

i wish she'd mentioned the source so i could link it here..
drugs and fake plastic friends are all the help that's available..
..i have another headache..
if there were such thing as a decent dr..
surely there are better painkillers that are safe for people with low b.p./weak heart?
no one listens.
no one takes anything seriously.
i'll never trust anyone who won't trust me.


hey ghost...i'll listen. and i won't lie. i need someone to listen to me too. i've been thinking about suicide too much myself. last night i cut again. i hadn't in awhile but of course i fucked up. now i think my therapist won't see me anymore bc she said she wouldn't if i cut again. she also promised not to abandon me. so i thought maybe i should just kill myself so she wouldn't be mad at me. i'm not sure that makes any sense. i do know that the people in my head were much quieter after i cut. it's too bad cutting works better than all the freaking pills i swallow. i hate it all. i've been painting some...lots of red. but i still feel that need to cut. god i hate me. the people in my head make more and more sense. i've become so disconnected from myself. it's like this body named tracy goes to work everyday while my brain rots in turmoil by itself. i just want to bleed to pain away. i hope my therapist doesn't abandon me. i'm really not sure i can take that. it would all be too much. if she does i will NOT go to another one. that's it. i'm sorry to be so morbid. i just feel so alone this dark night. i hope that you are feeling ok. i hope that you can find real help. i'm always willing to listen. i think you're amazing. well, it's time for more pills and sleep. goodnight...tracy and luna too


definitely do not worry so much about your therapist being mad at you..
too bad..
i know you like her but she's paid well i'm sure to be helpful to you whether you 'disappoint' her or please her is just not what's important..
i know though, i lost track of that in therapy myself.. because you don't want to risk being hated and that need takes over.. you should worry most about you.. not her..

also i'm sure the people in your head make sense because they're aspects of you.. when people hear 'voices' it's really aspects of themselves.. but the nature of audio 'hallucinations' (for want of a better word) is that there is a little signal most people get from their brain that lets them know they are going to say something.. with some people this signal doesn't fire.. and so we can get confused as to where the 'voice' originates.. but i'll tell you i believe it to be aspects of your self..

i have aspects too but i 'hear' them differently.. and i know the meanest one is also absolutely the smartest..
i mean she'll beat me up to get me to listen and learn.. but the other one.. she never learns.. so on it goes.. the other one's toxic (my inner kid) and she likes magical thinking.. so the battle rages on..

i worry since schizophrenia runs in my family along with ocd.. and my son has ocd.. i worry enough that i feel like i HAVE to be here for him in case he needs me..
my sister was just deserted due to her illness.. i mean really left homeless prostituting on the street.. addicted to crack.. a lost cause..
so i never want to abandon my son.. (or kitties!) despite my ongoing suicidal wishes..

i've been angry lately..
i'm usually depressed, not angry.. i don't ever blow up.. i get angry and it just makes me sick instead.
lots of si thoughts..
lots of revenge fantasies..
ah well..
gotta go spill it into my art somehow.. i bought some antique dolls to use in a little stop-motion animation film short i'm trying to get started.. if only i weren't so fucking tired.. :(

i hope your therapist doesn't abandon you either.. it's a cold business for such painful material.. it matters so much how we are treated by our therapists.. i wonder if they even get it?

please don't let all my dark matter here trigger you, ok? i'll just tell you.. here at the blog i do not censor myself.. it gets bloody..
then when i have my own shit together i can be supportive to others over at the forum i mentioned.. so take care and know you are welcome either place..
luna too..
as a friend told me before,
just keep passing the open windows..
x/o (this is an elliottism)


Jesus. Must be something in the air because I've just spent the last few weeks thinkins about suicide too and its been a long time since I did that. Sometimes I think with me its just a mental temper tantrum. But I worry sometimes, because I rage so bad sometimes, that maybe I'll just have one single moment of head popping rage and grab the third rail.
Tracy, I am in therapy and I go through the same agonizing fear you are. You fuck up and then have to worry that you will get dropped. I am sorry to hear that your therapist has threatened to abandon you if you cut. It doesn't make sense to me and like ghost, I understand how painful that must be for you. I hope that you and your T can talk and maybe change this.

Ghost, you may be right about cognitive therapy not being effective, but I could never condemn Kay. In the end, if it fails, it sure isn't because she didn't try hard enough or care enough.
I'm sorry you are so sad. I know you are going through something particularly difficult now.
I wish you would forgive me.
Keep passing the open windows.


first.. i think k's a keeper! she's willing to at least look around the frame.. and she gives you hugs and says she loves you.. hell.. she's forgiven.. not all psychs are as slimey as the ones i've had to cozy up to.

(also.. as i said, i'd like to find out more about the source.. is this only cognitive therapy? are other kinds of therapy beneficial? most therapists use a mixture of different styles and could adapt.. i just want the 'pros' to listen to us.. instead of being so sure they already know.. AD folks are arrested right off with a basic need unmet.. healthy attachment.. and it needs to be real.. not plastic. but we're steered to the pros.. what choice do we have? and our Ad functions automatically and involuntarily despite our awareness.. if it's not real it's just a replay of the painful/unhealthy attachment variety..)

i dunno.. it's smoke and mirrors to me..
'pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!
the great and powerful oz has spoken!'

second.. what's with this forgive you stuff? what am i going to do.. forgive you for me pissing you off? i drive everyone away.. i know that now..
i'm a drowning ghost..
it gets old.

the anger thing..
i just went through this seeing red episode..
it was just like clockwork.. i start to get really angry.. it simmers and i have such rich revenge fantasies.. i scheme.. i plan. i look for new places to hide cuts..
then after several days the anger literally just finally makes me sick.. i end up weak and tired and sick and i can't talk or eat and i just take antacids..

as for suicide.. all of us in my family except my younger brother have made an attempt or 2.. or 3.. (good thing we lived nowhere near the golden gate bridge?)..

these days what both terrifies me and makes me hold on is my son.. you see, schizophrenia is like a predisposed genie waiting to be let out of the bottle.. somewhere between around the ages of 18 and 30 it can be triggered by a major stress.. drug use.. no one is 100% sure.. it acts like a forest fire destroying grey matter once it's triggered.. i walked on eggshells till i turned 31 just like my other siblings.. we watch our children and pray.. dan already has ocd and is a southpaw.. just like my sick sister.. you know i worry these similar traits just sit there on the same bit of dna waiting..
i can't bail out on him..
but it's all i want is out..
so i'm just here still breathing.

p.s. tracy..
i forgot to say that i think i'd be really confused if my therapist told me both 'i will not abandon you' and 'if you cut i will end our therapy'..
but i advise against even listening to me on matters of trust..

good god i went on..
please ignore this if i didn't make sense.. i'm so used to just talking to my self..
i'm half out of my mind these days


Didn't have to ignore a thing - it all made sense to me. I'm still completely with you (sadly) on your point of view about therapy and I am really interested in finding out about the research you mentioned.

You haven't driven me away :) Hope you don't mind that I am still hanging around.

I hear you about the anger. I don't stay that way for long periods like you describe, but I can just imagine! I get in plenty of trouble with the episodes I have as it is.

I mentioned at the board about the somatic therapy I started. Maybe its something to learn about. It seems like meditation on the physical feeling in your body as you experience emotions. I think the idea is you learn a skill for recognizing and describing the actual feeling of the feeling (hope that makes sense), then I think the point is to somehow align the feeling you are having with the present or the past as appropriate. Somehow that is supposed to help - not sure. The thing that really intrigues me is the moving through the emotions. Like touching them and rolling them all around in your hands and looking at them. Mostly I want very much to address the feelings really directly without all the mess of "talk". I cant explain this well because it is really just a vague notion in my head, but my intstincts are pounding. I've only done one session (not counting one over the phone which was pretty interesting - especially because I was in a rage and became really calm, almost deeply calm).

Might turn out to be complete bullshit and it was just some passing infatuation of mine based on an out of control need for attention. Yep. Could just be that. I'll let you know if I figure it out :)

Think positive thoughts about your son and so will I.
See ya,


i'm less skeptical about the kind of therapy you're talking about than i am with talk therapy where we can bs ourselves and anyone else along..
emotions are like chemical energy in motion.. e-motion?.. and i've read how they actually get stored up in our cells.. in our bodies not just our brains..
i've had it pointed out that most of my emotion becomes somatized into my body.. no wonder i'm falling apart! (haha.. right now i'm saving up for a nice new plastic spine!) & my insides are shot, too..

i have an old book called 'the body reveals' and when i look up my body type it matches up with what i've gone through emotionally.. it literally shapes us..

i used to rage too.. a long time ago.. i used to break glass.. it was scary. but i got control of it years ago and that may even be worse.. ? i focus it inward very laserlike now.. i swear when i am trying Not to cut i am often looking at si pix/art i've done in the past.. going over it like it's my own kind of porn or something.. ...

i think i get what you're saying about the (physical) feeling of the (emotional) feeling.. for some reason the pain i've been dealing with for so many years has seemed so much more real/acute the last year.. i can't cope like i used to. i can't just ignore it anymore. migraines are classically linked to emotional stuff i so i kinda wonder..
and what you say makes me wonder about this symptom i get at times that i always associate with the worst kind of grief i guess it must be.. i get like an electrical feeling from the side of my neck into my chest over and over at the worst times. must mean something?

well, keep an open mind, what can it hurt?

i appreciate the good thoughts for dan.. he's such a good guy.. he's on the dean's list! but has some real socialphobia issues along with the ocd.. i keep fearing the big D word could be next..
damn my toxic dna.

off subject but talk about skeletons falling out of the closet.. we've been working on geneaology on the pc and going through old stuff and i found my grandmother's death cert. (my dad's mom) bizarre.. only just found out she died of syphillitic paresis.. (insanity and cerebral softening from syphillis..)! !
wow.. they kept that one huge fucking secret i can tell you..
it never ends..


Hi. wow, i think we're all feeling a lot lately! i tried to read everything but i am definitely feeling a bit add tonight. emma, nice to meet you and thanks for the kind words. everything worked out with the T. she worked out a plan to kind of up what we've been working on and she didn't abandon me. though if i become chronic in my cutting she says that she can't see me as a patient. this wasn't chronic, just a two time oops. god, i think about cutting ALL the time. i really want to just feel the blood dripping on me. it's so sick i hate myself. and my shrink tomorrow is just going to up my meds if i'm honest with her and tell her that i still hear the voices. actually, i messed with my meds one night and didn't take my anti-psychotic pills. well that night i heard like 100 voices in my head all whispering and plotting against me and jw (one voice in my head) says that they're always there. i guess the pills keep them away. it scared the sh*t out of me. all those voices. it was overwhelming. and don't worry about your venting triggering me. your venting helps me bc it makes me feel like i can vent and it is so amazing to have people who just understand. right now i'm stressing over seeing my shrink tomorrow. i don't really like her that much and i'm 99% sure she doesn't like me either. ick. i think this will require extra klonopin. i really hope this tough spot for you passes soon ghost. you truly are a special soul. and i see good things for your son no matter what challenges he might face. he sounds like a genuine, strong, creative person. he will prevail. well, i have to get back to watching tennis. much love to all, tracy and luna too


ps...i added some new stuff i wrote to my myspace page. nothing special but if you feel like it i'd love your take. only if you want though. i don't want to impose me on anyone. :)


that is really sweet of you to say.. thank you..
you are also a strong genuine caring person who will prevail.. you guys are both still so young so just keep on truckin'.. and i'm glad you are still able to stick with your therapist..
my son kinda pulls out his hair without paying attention, but he's got plenty of long hair.. hehe.. if mild ocd/anxiety is all he gets from my bad genes then he'll do fine..
i'm with you about the cutting.. it's a kind of obsession.. it's all i have too. i just keep stringing it out.

'if i were a black bird
i'd fly around the world in
perpetual autumn..' - me

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