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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« calling all evil trees.. now hear this.. | Main | you take my hand.. i'll take your hand.. together we may get away.. »

July 07, 2007


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when i bleed
i'm not a ghost


Hey ghost :) how are you? i hope everything is going ok and that you are feeling good. thanks for posting on my myspace page. i had lost touch with my friends i made and i was sort of spazzing out. Turns out my one friend was just getting his stuff together after being discharged and my other friend was in bellevue psych ward in the city. i just talked to him today and i'm trying to figure out how i can go visit him. i think i just need to realize that not everyone hates me...but i'm kind of bad at that. today though is actually kind of a big day for me...i am actually doing my laundry!!! i know that probably sounds so silly but i have so much trouble with the simple things when i don't feel good. it's been weeks and weeks since i've done laundry. i'm trying not to get too anxious over it. i've found i can get anxious over anything!! i've been sort of ok lately. i've been having trouble with my meds and feeling really sick and bad on them. also i keep getting depressed and the people in my head are very talkative and scary and i want to hurt myself so bad!!!! so far i haven't because i don't want to lose my therapist. she is so amazing. i'm beginning to believe that she actually cares and it's pretty cool. but i keep ending up buying knives and exactos and it's like i keep setting myself up to fail. i even got a second opinion from another shrink about my meds. and so far i've ended up with a diagnosis of bipolar, borderline personality, avoidant poersonality and schizo-affective. i guess i'll just stick with defective :) i'm just trying really hard to get through each day. i'm hoping that as time goes by i might do a bit more living rather than surviving. oh and i am SO trying to lose weight!!!! enough about are you? anything new and exciting? let me know how you are. i hope you are great. talk to you soon...kitty love, tracy and luna

ps. my therapist has two cats and the other day one curled up on my lap and slept there during my appt. i was so happy!!!


Sorry!!! My computer posted twice :)


hey, i'm glad you have such a good therapist! i'm undergoing intensive kitty therapy myself here at home.. hehe..
i can really relate with the daily anxiety problems.. i'm kinda resigned to the fact that i'm just always afraid to some extent.. and i know when it's bad what it's like to have to get through one simple task after another to get through the days.. with me if i get too anxious i just retreat to my room or to bed and won't venture out till i can get a sense of security.. i'm sorry you're still having a hard time.. it sounded like you had a positive experience inpatient? i hope so..
i just went through a whole anxiety/panic thing on the 4th of july, as i always seem to do, even after all these years.. it's just some big association from childhood back home at the 'house of whacks'.. still haunts me..

i'm on this nick drake kick now.. plus i've finally figured out my mp3 player thing over there.. if you click on the littleghost pic you can visit my profile and there i have 500 of my songs up in playlists.. (i didn't even know i could do this till today!) anyone can share my music to their mp3 player too.. nice to figure it out after all this time.. duh.

well, the support forum i started for ad folks is now open to anyone who wants or needs support.. i check there usually each day so come on over there anytime you want, ok? there's a link on the left.. (lenore & kitty)

well, my eyes are fried.. gotta go..
take good care of yourself!
luv, ghost

it's ok i deleted the duplicate post..


today we drove through sunshine and butterflies all the way to rockaway beach listening to earlimart, ghosty, jeremy messersmith and sparrow house.. to be able to see the pacific again was nice.. but they have some jellyfish laying around here.. :(
we discovered a cool forested beach called hug point..
it's now my favorite spot..
i put some pix way down in the ghost album..
it's evening now and we're getting some really good thunder and lightning! :)
i felt happy today.. so i've switched the ghostunes to a new mix.. my favorite is
'snow day'..
happiness really is kinda neat..
x-ing my fingers it'll last..


looks like the little valentine on the drawpad disappeared?


another birthday..
another migraine...


i need medical marijuana.

t'will not keep me from my rightful fun! went to the mall to spend my bday $$..
(very carefully.. trying not to make any sudden head movements.. ha ha ha.)
found a couple shirts in my favorite store,
'hot topics'and a cool pair of white, lt grey and tan camo pants with baggy pockets that i love.. and a killer guitar cable with skulls on it which will surely help me play much better!
toxic got a kitty from a toy store.. a tabby that looked so real that the clerk thought i was in fact carrying around a real cat in the store.. heh

my birthday wish was for a jethro tull mix.. so i dug into my archives :)

it is raining on my birthday.. absolutely a first ever!


and my mom sent me a bday card.. i thought maybe she had forgotten me..


Hey ghost!!! Just a quick note to say...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I'll be back to chat more soon! much luv, Tracy



cupcake and tylenol..
breakfast of champions..

jethro tull is old hat now..
changing the mix again..


so sick of pain, fear and sick.. my personal demons..
they're merciless today.

and i've lost some of my artwork, recent and older stuff.. realized it and have been turning the house upside-down searching..
i'll cry if my art is lost. i've always been so organized and had a good memory (except for periods of alcoholic amnesia.. those hazy years)..

lately my memory isn't there.. on the other hand, in the process i've found things i've drawn.. like a sketch that i don't remember doing?..

i feel so fucking old.
and i'm in one of my moods.

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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