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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

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  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

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this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« choose the lonely trees.. | Main | lilac time.. »

July 27, 2007


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this much madness is too much sorrow



today we drove through a snow of cottonwood seeds up to astoria.. it was a gorgeous sunny summer day..
in one old abandoned pioneer cemetery i found an open crypt from the 1800's.. ivy had pried the metal door open..? at least that's what it looked like to me..
(but i'm a solitary ghost.. don't want to meet any new friends.. i left it alone.)

we drove through a cool old covered bridge in wahkiakum county.. and watched multiple bald eagles soaring over another cemetery there.. it was such a quiet spot we could hear them calling to each other..

i've switched back to the meloncholia mix today.. no matter how beautiful my surroundings are.. i am still just too sad and lonely.. true happiness only lies farther and farther out of my reach. i feel like such a tragic waste.

the long years spent in seclusion have carved out the most gaping and glaring emptiness on the inside that i wonder each day why it hasn't simply caved in on me.. my heart can't take where i've ended up after all these years of what i thought were sound choices..

i swear i wish it would just fucking crush me already and kill the ache.


fame is but a fruit tree
so very unsound
it can never flourish
till its stalk is in the ground
so men of fame
can never find a way
till time has flown
far from their dying day
forgotten while you're here
remembered for a while
a much updated ruin
from a much outdated style

life is but a memory
happened long ago
theatre full of sadness
for a long forgotten show
seems so easy
just to let it go on by
till you stop and wonder
why you never wondered why

safe in the womb
of an everlasting night
you find the darkness can
give the brightest light
safe in your place deep in the earth
that's when they'll know what you were really worth
forgotten while you're here
remembered for a while
a much updated ruin
from a much outdated style

fame is but a fruit tree
so very unsound
it can never flourish
till its stalk is in the ground
so men of fame
can never find a way
till time has flown
far from their dying day

fruit tree, fruit tree
no one knows you but the rain and the air
don't you worry
they'll stand and stare when you're gone

fruit tree, fruit tree
open you eyes to another year
they'll all know
that you were here when you're gone


i'm completely swallowed up by a hellatious low/depression..
just anyone talking to me seems to cause me such over the top anger.. ever notice about 99.9% of what people say is totally unnecessary?
it's such an effort to have to answer another inane question.. i don't.
even surrounded by kitty gar-girls upon waking i'm having those bad kind of thoughts again..
like just how strong is that orange utility power cord out in the garage..?
just when i think i'm coming out of the riptide for a minute.. it's pulling me way back out.
i so hate my self and life and this world that i can't stand it moment to moment. but migraine and fatigue win and i just sit and stare.
and yesterday i told off god..
so he's probably not liking me too much today.


I would have liked to have been there when you told off god. I bet it was good :) I never think to do that because I assume he wouldn't have the faintest clue who the hell I am. Please don't touch the cord. Em


the wayward emma?
i'm sure he wishes he didn't know who i am..
i'm quite a pest with all my ocd praying..
(begging & pleading.. etc.)
maybe i can at least get myself squashed for it..
the little part that use to fight has gone quiet.. i cried today realizing my demons have gotten their foothold.. but then- we struck a deal..
if they'd be willing to kill me,
i'd be willing to let them.


I think that your demons will not be so accomodating. Now they know your preference...
Keep hanging on ghost. What you are going through now with the job situation is as difficult as it gets. You can make it. I am always reminded of something you once pointed out to me - this is all cruelly survivable. I think about that a lot.

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cat girl

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Plague dr
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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
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little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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