back before i was a ghost.. when my son was 8 years old, i lost a year in crippling clinical depression induced by a horrible adverse reaction to one of my many stomach meds.. psychiatrists piggy-backed tranquilizers and antidepressants which only made matters worse.. it was a black hole in my life.. finally it was discovered and i made the decision to rid myself of all the meds entirely.. it was like coming back from the dead.. i had my rainbow back.. and to celebrate i made a film with the help of my son.. to showcase my art and for toxic to have her say.. it's called 'a secret film'.. it's ten years old.. but it is so nostalgic for me to look back on now.. it was our whole universe encapsulated with the music that meant the most to us then.. it is now viewable thanks to google down in 'ghost films' ..plus look to the left for the new 'haunted home movies' section..
ghost & toxic
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this much madness is too much sorrow
Posted by: | July 27, 2007 at 03:46 PM
^^^
indeed..
today we drove through a snow of cottonwood seeds up to astoria.. it was a gorgeous sunny summer day..
in one old abandoned pioneer cemetery i found an open crypt from the 1800's.. ivy had pried the metal door open..? at least that's what it looked like to me..
(but i'm a solitary ghost.. don't want to meet any new friends.. i left it alone.)
we drove through a cool old covered bridge in wahkiakum county.. and watched multiple bald eagles soaring over another cemetery there.. it was such a quiet spot we could hear them calling to each other..
i've switched back to the meloncholia mix today.. no matter how beautiful my surroundings are.. i am still just too sad and lonely.. true happiness only lies farther and farther out of my reach. i feel like such a tragic waste.
the long years spent in seclusion have carved out the most gaping and glaring emptiness on the inside that i wonder each day why it hasn't simply caved in on me.. my heart can't take where i've ended up after all these years of what i thought were sound choices..
i swear i wish it would just fucking crush me already and kill the ache.
ghost
Posted by: ghost | July 28, 2007 at 08:37 PM
fame is but a fruit tree
so very unsound
it can never flourish
till its stalk is in the ground
so men of fame
can never find a way
till time has flown
far from their dying day
forgotten while you're here
remembered for a while
a much updated ruin
from a much outdated style
life is but a memory
happened long ago
theatre full of sadness
for a long forgotten show
seems so easy
just to let it go on by
till you stop and wonder
why you never wondered why
safe in the womb
of an everlasting night
you find the darkness can
give the brightest light
safe in your place deep in the earth
that's when they'll know what you were really worth
forgotten while you're here
remembered for a while
a much updated ruin
from a much outdated style
fame is but a fruit tree
so very unsound
it can never flourish
till its stalk is in the ground
so men of fame
can never find a way
till time has flown
far from their dying day
fruit tree, fruit tree
no one knows you but the rain and the air
don't you worry
they'll stand and stare when you're gone
fruit tree, fruit tree
open you eyes to another year
they'll all know
that you were here when you're gone
Posted by: ghost | July 30, 2007 at 10:09 AM
i'm completely swallowed up by a hellatious low/depression..
just anyone talking to me seems to cause me such over the top anger.. ever notice about 99.9% of what people say is totally unnecessary?
it's such an effort to have to answer another inane question.. ..so i don't.
even surrounded by kitty gar-girls upon waking i'm having those bad kind of thoughts again..
like just how strong is that orange utility power cord out in the garage..?
just when i think i'm coming out of the riptide for a minute.. it's pulling me way back out.
i so hate my self and life and this world that i can't stand it moment to moment. but migraine and fatigue win and i just sit and stare.
and yesterday i told off god..
so he's probably not liking me too much today.
Posted by: ghost | July 31, 2007 at 09:56 AM
I would have liked to have been there when you told off god. I bet it was good :) I never think to do that because I assume he wouldn't have the faintest clue who the hell I am. Please don't touch the cord. Em
Posted by: Emma | July 31, 2007 at 12:09 PM
the wayward emma?
i'm sure he wishes he didn't know who i am..
i'm quite a pest with all my ocd praying..
(begging & pleading.. etc.)
maybe i can at least get myself squashed for it..
the little part that use to fight has gone quiet.. i cried today realizing my demons have gotten their foothold.. but then- we struck a deal..
if they'd be willing to kill me,
i'd be willing to let them.
Posted by: ghost | July 31, 2007 at 06:04 PM
I think that your demons will not be so accomodating. Now they know your preference...
Keep hanging on ghost. What you are going through now with the job situation is as difficult as it gets. You can make it. I am always reminded of something you once pointed out to me - this is all cruelly survivable. I think about that a lot.
Posted by: Emma | August 01, 2007 at 06:11 AM