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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
ghost gallery quarantine area (use a laptop or pc with firefox or google chrome browser for essential music, no phones)
all artwork here is copyright protected by vengeful ghosts!
2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)


ghost toy catalogue

  • spookytown
    an inventory of toys & collectibles vintage & new including toxic's toys, toxic's library & halloweeniana..

    ~ copyright 2011 all rights reserved
Cherrytreemoon
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Scandalous
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

Pdx
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

the library..

Thingsbehindthesun
things behind the sun (journals)
Razorblades
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
www.flickr.com
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Brenkitty
toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Enter
halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..


  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    NEW ELDER SCROLLS!!
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

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May 04, 2007

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ghost

first of all..
it's free comic day.. it's become a tradition.. run out and get yourself a fistful of free comics at any good comic store! be sure to get the free new gumby one!!!

ok..
so here's the part where i go on and on about new moon.. what can i say to express how good it is except to marry it? elliott left so many good unreleased tracks and there are 24 on this double disc album, all cleaned up with loving care by larry crane who posts at sweetaddy keeping all of us adoring fans in the loop! my old favorites in full studio versions: placeholder, going nowhere, pretty mary k (the other version), high times, new disaster, new beautiful versions of go by, big decision, and old heatmiser era songs redone.. treasures, man!!
go buy it you won't be sorry! it's playing here in the ghostunes mix and you can click forward to hear the better ones well into the mix.. but this little mp3 player doesn't do them justice.. we had to take them into our cruiser where we have a good new stereo and drive around portland to cosmic monkey, excalibur, and things from another world buying comics and listening.. it rocks!
i miss elliott smith so bad.
see you in heaven, man..
just a ghost
"your smile is just a ghost.." smith

p.s.
the lyrics page is updated! plus i'll be posting up the lyrics to all the newer songs of course..

tracy

hey ghost...greetings on this dark night. first, it's very cool that your blog got listed on the vampire directory!! also you talking about the elliot smith cd makes me excited bc you sound so excited. god, music is so amazing. i think i will definitely have to get the cd. the lyrics you posted are amazing. they kind of make your heart ache. so how are you?? i really hope the migraine is going away. i've been feeling pretty sick lately and i really think it's the meds turning on me. i get all dizzy, my head hurts, i get all shaky and i feel like i'm getting these electric shocks all over my body. it just all feels SO wrong and it scares me. the only thing that helps is xanax and sleep. it's scary. so why am i afraid of the hospital? ugh, many reasons. one, they will take away my razors and i'm going to freak. two, they are going to mess with my meds and a lot of those meds make you fat and being fat makes me want to kill myself. three, group therapy. ick, i don't do groups!! and i still haven't told my parents. i keep pushing it off 'one more day'. the whole thing makes me want to be sick. and i will miss luna SOOOO much. thank you SO SO much for listening to me through all of this. it helps so much. you rock! i'm just so confused. most of all i'm afraid to lose sam and rose. i actually cried before bc without them i'll be totally lost. when i hold his hand i feel so much stronger. maybe i have lost it. oh well...maybe i just need some elliot smith!! hmmm, may 8th...i just might have to get to the music store :) well chica i must finish watching the sopranos and then get to sleep. moew love and kitty hugs...tracy

ghost

i love the sopranos..

i've changed the lyrics i had up in the post because i'm already choosing favorites.. i mixed up the mp3 mix order a bit too.. !
they're all so good!!
elliott smith was known as
mr misery (after his academy award nominated song miss misery)..
and he is known for being a friend to the 'sad & lonely'..
he will definitely keep you company during rough times.. seriously.. i don't know how i'd have made the big move up here to oregon leaving everything i knew behind me without him whispering in my ears from my ipod..
he's the man in my head that talks to me..
i think sam and rose are aspects of yourself that you need right now until you have something better.. maybe if that happens they'll go and fade gradually?

as far as group therapy, i've never done it.. the closest i came was an agoraphobia group that was sort of like a class.. and i finally freaked out and never went back.. so i understand..
i know it wouldn't be convenient to si in patient.. but i don't think anyone really stops you.. i mean i've scratched/bruised myself up pretty bad at times when i tried the old 'throw away knives/razors' experiment..
not to suggest you do this..
what scares you about not being able to cut? that you'll feel overwhelmed with no way to calm down or get out of the feeling?
or am i way off?

all that stuff really does sound like med problems..
i took xanax for years.. i hardly felt anything from it, yet i was dependent on it and took way too much trying to calm myself.. i found clonopin really relaxed me more.. i just wonder though if some of your meds are making you feel worse? i'm just not very trusting of them anymore, so i don't know..
i'm not sure which ones cause weight gain and which ones cause weight loss except prozac, which makes you lose weight..
maybe tell them that you won't take anything that causes you to gain weight because you have a huge fear of gaining weight? i do too.. and it's only practical to prescribe something you're willing to take, you know?
just be vocal enough about it right from the start?

well, i guess i don't have any real sage advice.. haha..
i wish it could be a rest for you where you'd feel some break from the panic & angst..
where they'd get your meds sorted out to something good..

talk later,
ghost

ghost

p.s.
i just remember doing the worst si on xanax.. so i always associate them..
clonopin was a superior tranquilizer.. yes, i liked it!! when i was fully conscious.. hehe..
but i didn't si on it..
ghost

tracy

hey ghost...salutations. it's so good to hear from you. well, i guess it's the countdown to thursday now. i still keep having these delusions that i won't have to go. group therapy sounds nausiating. i don't want other people just knowing all my business. you're right about the si. i'm afraid that if i'm not able to do it i'll just like freak out. and i get so nervous, it's so soothing and comforting in its own way. and sam loves si. he makes sure i do it as a reminder that he controls me. i'm scared to lose sam and rose. they might be mean to me but they are there at least. and oh the meds...ick, i'm SO SO sick of meds. i wish i could not take them. the xanax is sneaky. i feel like i don't need it but i still feel like i have to take it every day. ick!!! i'm so glad you're enjoying your elliot smith so much!!!!! i really do want to hear it. the lyrics sound so good. he really must have been an amazing person...now he's an amazing soul. music is so amazing. right now i can't stop listening to my chemical romance and i can never stop listening to AFI. i don't know if you ever listened to them but they are so amazing. i went up to albany, ny to see them play and it was like life altering. i'm so glad elliot could help you on your move. i'm hoping that they won't take my ipod in the hospital bc then i might really go nuts. oh well...back to the sopranos again :) meow meow, tracy

tracy

hey ghost...i bought new moon!!!! it's going on my ipod asap!

ghost

oh!! awesome!! i hope you love it! i've had a scare today.. my laptop seemed to just DIE! and then later it came back on and i'm scrambling to back up my itunes and cemeteria pix..
eeeeeek!
i'm so addicted to my laptop.. and our money tree is not exactly in season right now to replace it.. plus i'd lose all my cool stickers if it dies.. emily and extra cool glow in the dark ones too..
i don't know what i'm gonna do?

ok..
countdown to thursday, huh?
are they gonna allow you to keep your ipod in there?
that would be a requirement for me..
please try listening to
'going nowhere'.. that is my favorite elliott song of all.. and i have a hundred favorites so that's big.. ;)
also pretty mary k.. placeholder.. big decision & high times.. new disaster is where i got my nickname: ghost.. his songs are very sad yet very comforting.. it's like i'm alone, but i'm not alone in being alone.. you know? and he knows how to express that so well..
well, i gotta go.. this thing's fan is going on and it's literally hot!
uh oh!
luv,
ghost
i'll try to use bdhp's pc if this laptop dies.. *cry*

tracy

hey ghost...yep, it's the countdown til tomorrow...eek! I'm so sorry about your laptop. I had that happen to me once so I feel your pain. hopefully it just needs a little tlc. also, walmart has some pretty cheap laptops if you need a new one. i can't believe you said to listen to 'going nowhere'...seriously, i haven't gotten through both cds bc i keep going back to listen to 'going nowhere'!! it is my fave right now! i can feel some very cool elliot smith vibe floating from ny to oregon. :) i'm really nervous about tomorrow. i'm all packed with a backpack and a little duffle with some clothes. i have to check in through the ER which is kind of icky but i have to get medically cleared whatever that is. so i will be mia after tomorrow morning. i'll be here in spirit though. my friend at work gave me this neat little puzzle thing that you have to try and take apart so that should be cool. oh i better be able to keep my ipod. i'm am SO SO lost without it. right now i just wish it were tomorrow already bc the anticipation is killer. i'm so nervous ghost!!! i can't stop cutting and i don't want to lose sam. i know i shouldn't have but i hid some blades in my stuff in case i need them in there. i know i'm supposed to not want to cut but i just can't stop. oh well, i guess i've backed myself into this corner so i'm stuck with it. thanks so much for always being awesome. talk to you soon and good luck with your computer! meow love, Tracy

ghost

tracy!
don't worry that you feel like you can't stop cutting yet.. you are doing your very best and i'm very proud of you! it's so cool that you also like 'going nowhere'..
my favorite elliott line of all time is 'i felt like a kid of 6 or 17.. i was off in some empty daydream going nowhere..'
i feel that way..

i'm saving all my songs right now to my son's pc backup drive.. i may look into the walmart idea.. and at least it's an excuse to buy new stickers!

write when you can and take much care!!
luv, ghost and kitties
kiss luna bunches!!

tracy

hey ghost...oh well, here goes nothing. I'm going in this morning. Just thought I'd say hi before i disappear into the hospital. thanks for being so great :) Most of all i'll miss my luna loo while i'm in there. i'm about to go give her lots of hugs before I go. i hope you are great and are having lots of good music time with the new elliot smith cd. he's on my ipod which i'm very happy about. ick...maybe i should have run away. oh well, i'm off to the land of the psych ward. meow love, Tracy and Luna too

ghost

hopefully it will all be anticlimactic and you'll get a nice rest.. the er is fun.. i've had to go for migraines and ed stuff.. but after that, you'll probably just get bored.. hope it's a good hospital.. maybe with internet/pc?! snag as much help as you can and know luna and all us kittygirls are waiting for you to come back!
;)
ghost

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lost & found toys

Around the bend album main
visit my around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved

cat girl

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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
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  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
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little friends..

Danradpic
back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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friendlyghost fun & games!!

ghostfilms

Ghost
lost hollow digital art album ~
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haunts

  • lunacy..
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