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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
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2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
my photo albums (sound up!)

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
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Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
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family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
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toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
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art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

« mothra's day.. | Main | calling all evil trees.. now hear this.. »

May 22, 2007


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today we saw the real deal.. a bald eagle flying over us in the gorge along the river.. so cool..
i should probably be happy?
alas.. not.
depressed and fucking lonely as usual.. getting lost in oblivion even on the weekend.. practicing my alchemy mostly.. making potions & poisons..
turns out i'm real good with a bow & arrows..
clean kills from far away..

still having the old si thoughts.. looking at all the scars on my arms.. how can you explain the need to slice into yourself? i just want to watch my own blood flowing..
not anyone else's.. in my ocd mind the blood of most others just seems unclean to me..
slash an x and get pure and perfect red anesthetic..
it's beautiful and cures all my many ills.. for awhile..
it sounds kinda obscene i know.. nevertheless true.
can't help it.
i'm real unhappy.


there's nobody here
there's nobody near
i try not to care
dead eyes always stare
let these matters be
don't trust what you see
take hold of your time
step into the line

there's innocence torn from it's maker
stillborn the trust in you
this failure has made the creator
so would you tell him what to do
(would you?)

leave your mark upon
the head of someone
who'll cry for his state
we know it's too late
i turn round to see
what was meant to be
faint movement release
to rid the disease

there's innocence torn from it's maker
stillborn the trust in you
(i have lost all trust i had in you..)
this failure has made the creator
so would you tell him what to do?
(i have lost all trust i had in you..)

would someone watch over me
in my time of need?

in the rays of the sun
i am longing for the darkness..


'don't get backed into a corner
talking to yourself..' mr smith


my husband just lost his job.
i won't be on here for awhile..


hey ghost. i'm not sure if you read this since you just said you won't be on for a bit. I'm SO SO SO sorry about your husband's job. that really sucks and i hope both of you are doing ok and that he can find a new one super soon. i also hope this finds you well. you sounded so sad in your last few posts. god, i know that feeling, that desperate ache. i hate to think of you that way and i hope you can steer clear of the si. i myself am finally back. i ended up staying in the psych ward for 26 days and i have a plethora of new meds to show for it. i'm still re-acclimating myself to the real world which is more overwhelming than ever. i will tell you all about the hospital some other time when things aren't so icky. and remember....please please e-mail, message, post, whatever if you need someone to talk to. i am definitely here. hope to talk to you soon. kitty love, tracy


hey tracy..
so you're out!
yeah.. maybe just in time for me to go in? hehe..
crazy times here..
but i have not si'd in a good little while (haven't counted but it seems long)
i may not be on-line as much but it's really good to hear from you.. are you ok? lemme know!


p.s. tracy..

you should come over to the board (my support forum is now open to all!)

see you there?

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cat girl

  • xx xx xx be wild.. xx xx xx

lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
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Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
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friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
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