i am a wicked child..

mother mary come to me
for i am a wicked child..
i've sinned and i am so confused
and i am a wicked child
i am a wicked child..
i am the devil's son
and i wish i could be good..
      ..i walk a crooked mile
and i wish i could be good
i wish i could be good..
if i could have kept on the straight and narrow..
if i could have kept on the straight and narrow..
and not have broke your heart
not have broke your heart..
now i wake up in the night..
he's tugging at my arms and legs
like i was a marionette
send baby jesus
to radiate his light
to radiate his light..           ghost

Comments

[ghost]

today we drove in the rain over to the washington side of the columbia river gorge.. we saw our first eagle in the wild.. right up close.. and while taking photos in a cemetery a pair of beautiful canada geese came flying in over the river into the cemetery.. i never want to live anywhere else but here..
ghost

[tracy]

hey ghost...how are you? I hope this finds you really well and mental health good. That sounds awesome to see an eagle. the geese i could do without only because they are everywhere here and they poop on Everything!!! since it's warmer they don't migrate anymore so we are sort of over run with them. but i like them anyway bc really i love all animals. especially my luna baby. i don't know what i'd do without her. did you write this post (wicked child)? it's really cool. it sets up a neat rhythm with the words. i think i'm wicked. or maybe just crazy. i had therapy tonight and it did NOT go well. i've been really really depressed lately. it just hurts so bad i wish i could cut it out of me. i can't stop cutting and i think about hurting myself a lot. i don't know. so i went to therapy tonight and tried to be honest. and because i opened my mouth like an idiot i had to end up signing a contract. it says that i'll call my shrink every morning and my psych every night and if i don't they will send the cops to come get me. and it says i'll definitely go into the hospital in the beginning of may. i feel TRAPPED. i just want to run away. there is no escape clause and i feel so out of control. everything seems make believe and pretend and for the first time i understand what it means to feel like a ghost. i feel like i'm in this world but not a part of it. i'm just moving through. i'm so scared ghost!! i hate feeling trapped and cornered. i'm SO confused. and i'm really not sure i want to go in the hospital at all. ick...this is why you can't trust poeple!! I should have kept my stupid mouth shut. god i hate me. i'm so fat and stupid. i'm sorry to babble on. i just don't know what else to do. send lots of meow love to the kitties for me. Tracy

[ghost]

tracy..
you know.. i've heard of contracts with cutters.. they usually go something like this.. anytime you feel like cutting you have to call your t (therapist) first.. you may end up cutting still, but you call so they can help push you to talk about how you feel, to try to find alternate ways to cope with it.. and after a while, you form a better coping tool that way.. if you break the contract then you go in-patient..
it sounds like a variation of that?
i guess that part wouldn't bother me, but going in-patient would scare crap out of me!
maybe if you could really do the contract you won't need to go in afterall? i mean if she/they think it's working? i dunno..
sometimes we need to get trapped to get some help..
(i know i require dragging kicking & screaming.. or i'll find a way out of it!)
it's ok to lose a battle if it helps win the war..
it's hard giving up any control to others though.. i really get that..
please try not to be too scared.. you were not an idiot for being honest, it just means you're being very brave! you are not stupid! you are not fat!
(but i say the same exact words to me, too..)
it's just that you're battling yourself.. so you will win, but part of you will lose, too.. (control)
write anytime if i can be a support, ok?
maybe try the plan?
maybe do it for luna?
she will meow miss you..
luv,
ghost

p.s.
i'd love to say those are my lyrics, but they're thom yorke's (radiohead)..
if you have your speakers on it's the first song on the ghostunes mp3 player..
;)

[tracy]

hey ghost,
thank you so much for your kind words. they really do help. thank god the contract didn't say anything about not cutting. i could never keep that contract. I made my calls today to let everyone knoe i was alive. I was sad today but also kind of in shock from the whole therapy craziness. i feel like i let myself down because i let my guard down and shared. i'm usually so good at keeping my walls up. all i know is that i can't have the cops coming to get me...i know me, i'd try to bolt and it would be a big scene. the inpatient thing seems inevitable. my therapist is all over it. all in all, i don't feel very brave. and i don't want to lose sam. he might be the mean man who lives in my head but he keeps me company and lets me hold his hand when i'm scared. i really am scared. and i'll have to tell my parents sooner or later about the hospital thing. very not cool. i just am not good with this trapped feeling, i always like to have an escape clause. i'm scared to lose control. but i can do it for luna. i have to be brave for my little baby. i just feel so stupid...calling in everyday. it's so embarassing! ick. i have some lyrics for you too...

Can you hear me cry out to you?
Words I thought I'd choke on
Figure out
I'm really not so with you anymore
I'm just a ghost
so I can't hurt you anymore
so I can't hurt you anymore
and now
you wanna see how far down
I can sink?
Let me go!

It's My Chemical Romance
I love them, saw them live and they were really good. Oh well, I should get to sleep. Thanks again ghost...you rock big time. kitty love...Tracy

[ghost]

those are cool..
i always see pix of the chemical romance guys in hot topics.. my favorite store.. the lead guy has the cool eyes, right? or am i confuseled..?

the trapped feeling..
oh yes, that's scary..
i almost went out a window once because my husband called my parents once and i'd been cutting and my father was on the other side of my door trying to talk me out.. not good! the trapped feeling. i was just like wound up ready to jump. you should let your t know you feel this way, even if you agree to the contract.. let her know so you don't panic, you know? maybe it would help you regain a little sense of control in this?
have you told your folks yet?
if you get scared try to remember i'm with you in spirit too.. ;)
get it.. spirit.. ghost..
meh..
they usually have internet in the good hospitals too.. i have one friend who is officially an escaped mental patient..
i've always wanted to be an escaped mental patient.. just once!
well, take it easy peasy..
ghost & kitty co.

[ghost]

p.s.
i don't know if you're a chris o'riley fan? he does classical renditions of songs by people like elliott, radiohead, etc..
i love them.. and he comes on the smith boards so i added him as a friend on myspace.. asked him if he planned on doing any of thom's new 'eraser' songs..
he wrote back saying yes, he's done 'cymbal rush'!
my favorite on that cd..
(in the current ghostunes mix.. #5 if you click forward.. also it plays on my youtubes profile with a saladfingers video.. down/right!)
it'll be out on itunes soon.. how cool he wrote back, huh?
made my little day!
:) :) :)
ghost

[ghost]

mysterious technicolor flower? .. ?

[tracy]

hey ghost...thanks so much for writing back with me. I'm glad you're there is spirit. I think it's very cool that the guy wrote back to you about his song. very cool!! i hope you're doing super good. me...eh. right now i feel pretty terrible. it just hurts so bad inside and i feel so alone. my therapist talked to me on the phone a bit which was super nice but i hate to bother her. she has 4 kids and a way cooler life than me. last night i had a moment of "brilliance" and drank way too much. I was extra drunk and then decided to cut. god, i cut so much. and on my stomach too which i've never done before. of course sam and rose were with me the whole time and they just loved it. i just feel like i get crazier and crazier. i do weird things i won't tell anyone about bc i'm afraid they'll lock me up. My chemical romance has a song line that goes "so you can leave like the sane abandoned me". that's how i feel, like my sanity is just fleeing from me. everything seems make believe and pretend. sometimes i bend down and touch the pavement just to make sure it's all real. and this whole hospital thing is just looming in my future. my therapist says if i don't go she might not be able to see me anymore. i feel like such a loser. i wouldn't want to see me anyway. i'm such a defect. and i'm nauseous all the time and don't want to eat. the only thing i can connect with is music so thank god i bring my ipod pretty much everywhere. more than anything i just want to stop thinking about killing myself. it's not like i plan to do it but i just can't stop thinking about it and i get all these terrible pictures in my head. and i want to cut all the time. i'm so scared ghost. scared of everything. the only thing keeping me functioning is my job. i can't screw that up. really. i have to cut again or sam won't hold me and i want him too. i feel so alone. he doesn't even live in my head that much anymore. he's pretty much always next to me. ghost, i actually bought him a soda yesterday. diet dr pepper. it's what he wanted. i'm losing it!!!oh well, maybe i'm just make believe. i'm sorry to go on. i just have no one to talk to who actually understands. i can so understand why you went out the window. feeling trapped is terrible!!! ok, i promise i'm shutting up now. i hope you can write back. i'd love to hear from you. hope all is copasetic in oregon...i'm sure it's beautiful there. carebear and kitty love - Tracy

[ghost]

hey tracy..
did you draw the little raincloud under the umbrella picture?
sorry it's so hard.. i know about feeling afraid all the time, but it sounds like you're really in such a bad place.. as scared as you are maybe the hospital will help? i dunno, i've never gone in so i don't know.. do you know is it a good hospital?
i've been to many many visiting my sister who is schizophrenic.. some are much better than others..
i was just wondering, are you still estranged from your sister? i remember it being a strained relationship back when we were at safe haven.. just wish you had someone right there to kinda lean on through this..
i love my ipod too! it blocks out the world so i can go anywhere, even agoraphobic i can! it helps me so much..
elliott's 'new moon' comes out in days.. i'm gonna put it in the mix here.. it's a 2 disc set! i can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
too bad you cut on your stomach.. i've cut all over my sides/ribs.. but i just hate when i've cut in a new place.. it's like now i've lost another part! legs/stomach whatever.. another little piece of me made unpretty..
please try to let the therapist help you.. don't worry so much about her, she gets paid well, remember? so you don't need to worry about her.. i wish i'd worried less about what my therapist felt about me and gotten real help.. don't be too nice to get it, you deserve it, ok?
well, i've babbled at length.. are you able to take a leave from work ok?
will your folks care for luna?
anyway..
take care, kid
ghost

[tracy]

hey ghost...ugh, it's all too overwhelming. i just can't do this anymore. i went to the therapist tonight. they told me if i don't go into the hospital on may 10th then they won't see me anymore. that means i'll have no more access to meds either and the withdrawal would be horrible! i'm SOOO scared ghost. i feel cornered and trapped. i feel like they all hate me. they just want to get rid of me. and i just keep cutting. i'm not happy about the stomach. somehow feeling ugly on the outside sort of fits how i feel on the inside though. and i feel like killing myself all the time. i want to stop these thoughts!! i'm so scared to go in the hospital though. i know i'll find a way to cut in there too. i just can't be without it right now. i talk to my sister some now but only about random stuff. like how her job is or if it's been sunny out. i'm not comfortable confiding in her. and i'm SO not going to talk to my parents. we just don't work that way. the ipod is possibly the best invention ever. i just put it on and everyone else can disappear. i feel like running away ghost. then no one would have to worry about how crazy i was anymore. i just don't know what to do anymore. it all hurts too much. i'm sorry to babble on here. you really are the only one who understands. no matter what everyone says they don't really know. i hope it's nice by you. the days have been pretty here and the flowering trees look pretty too. my luna loo is good. she is my little baby. when it gets really bad i hold her and that helps. give your kitties lots of hugs for me. thanks for everything...tracy

[tracy]

ps....the little umbrella with the rain was me :)

[tracy]

hey ghost...i won't bug you much...you gotta go check out my new avatar on my myspace page. I got Luna looking way cool....hardcore kitty!!

[ghost]

that's so funny 'cause i just went there and saw luna in her little piratey kerchief before i even read this and i was going to leave a comment about it here!! meerow-ar!!
yo ho yo ho.. the kittypirate life for me!!
it's also funny you call her luna loo.. we call our hepsebah 'boopy lou' ;)

there's a chance new moon may arrive today.. i'm so excited.. but why when i'm in one of my mfing migraines!?! not fair...

hey trace.. from all i've read, you do not want to go through sudden withdrawls from the meds! ug! there's a link down left with true horror stories! (little zoloftman)
also.. as crazy as you may feel, i have a lifetime of experience being around the truly crazy.. i mean schizophrenics.. and that you are not. i also think the meds you are on may be increasing your need to cut.. that can happen, you know? may not be your fault.. maybe they can sort it all out in-patient?i am doing much better not cutting and i'm embarrassed to tell you what has helped.. but i will..
but it's secret ok?
hope no one else reads this.. *snickers*
i turned my own phobias against myself..
in all the places i go online i come across all kinds.. and in a couple places i've found some girls who cut that are so attention seeking, so over the line, who cut bigger and deeper than anyone i've ever seen.. and they also just happen to be morbidly overweight.. in the pix you can see big yellowish fat globules inside the cuts! ug!!!!!!!!
it's really sickening.
ok, so now add all that together in my e.d. brain and all i have to think of is that.. and it takes away all the aura it used to have for me.. does that make any sense at all? i mean like those old anti-smoking ads with the ugly old woman? and they just happen to be so immature that it just makes me feel bad to even be associated with it.. like i want to grow out of it after all these (25!) years of it.. now i know the next time i'm secretly doing it again i will have to grapple with this image i've set up in my little brain.. but for now it's working.. i used to think of bugs in my food to not eat.. that helped me be thin.. anyway.. i just thought maybe you'd understand?
whatever helps helps..
it's all in what it does for you..
well, we're still getting nice cool rainy days here as always it seems, i love rainy days.. but everything is green and birdies have made their spring nest in our wall by our chimney.. i hear them chirping! i hope to get out more as the weather is warmer and hike some of the trails here, like up at the waterfalls & stuff..
when i do i'll post pix here..
sorry you have that weird kind of relationship with your sister.. i don't even talk to mine, so i get it..
well,
try not to worry so much, the sun always comes up in the morning no matter how dark it gets.. you'll be ok, just let yourself take care of You, chicklette!
and little luna..
xo,
ghost/bren

[ghost]

;)
test

ignore.. changing email tag

[ghost]

i am not an automated robot!

[tracy]

hey ghost...i'm trying to take care of me. I'm SO super stressed out though over this whole hospital thing. tonight i decided i wasn't going in and that i would just have to give up my meds....i just can't do the hospital thing! now it's like 20 minutes later and i'm not so sure anymore. i don't want to lose my therapist. i actually like her. but she really won't see me if i don't go in. it all seems not fair and like everyone is against me. i feel SO trapped. it's all i can think about and i'm so preoccupied that i'm nauseous all the time. I'm so sorry that you have a migraine. i've never had one but they sound really really painful. I hope it goes away soon so you can enjoy the new elliot smith. i really might have to get the cd and see what it's about!! i don't think your way of not si-ing is silly at all. aversion can be a powerful tool. and i hate the idea of attention getting si. i got really mad at my therapist once bc she hinted that i was using it for attention. i NEVER do that. it's for me and if no one knows it doesn't matter. so maybe that could help me. i feel you on the wanting to grow out of it. i've only got 10 years but it feels like forever. i love luna in her new pirate look...i made it my desktop picture at work so that i can see her all day!! I am such a crazy cat lady! oh well, i'm going to go rest and try not to totally freak out. i can feel the panic setting in. meow love - Tracy

[ghost]

what is it you're most afraid of? from what i've heard they mostly just drug you up and put you through lots of group therapy stuff.. it might be a good break?
yeah, my last therapist once said something about the "thrill" i got from cutting..
it made me want to teach her a lesson on cutting ..
i mean fuck..
if that's the way my own therapist saw it then what chance did i have of getting real help? she also thought it was an angry act towards my husband, so i hid it from him from then on.. yeah, my anger needs to come out somewhere..
it's easy to dismiss it as attention seeking when you don't understand..
there's a big difference between the ones who use it for attention and the ones who don't..

hey, don't panic!!
you shouldn't go off your meds.. that's gonna get rough.. aren't you bipolar?
or am i confusing you with someone else..

you know i've read all the si books.. sometimes reading about the subject gives you enough validation that you don't have to actually do it..
maybe take a few good books with you inpatient to read through it?
'the scarred soul' is so good (by another tracy.. tracy alderman) the whole book is filled with exercises that helped me alot.. then it got to the point where you have to confide in one person and ask them what your si meant to them and all.. (that's when i mistakenly tried to trust my t..) but you say you like yours? maybe?
'a bright red scream' by marilee strong is also really good..
there's also 'cutting' by steven levenkron.. the guy that wrote that first book about anorexia 'the best little girl in the world'..
that one's good too..

well, this blog is now officially listed in the sanguinarius.. the real vampire directory.. hehee..

ghost & kitty co.