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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is she except a being without access to the universe that she has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
rows of never opened doors:
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2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..
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(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

vintage kids can come & visit the ghost toy catalogue here.. (sound up)
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
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family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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a POEtry reading...

my elliott smith lyric page (sound up)
portland haunts album ~
is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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the library..

things behind the sun (journals)
a mouthfull of razorblades (journals)
ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
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toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
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art albums ~ use a laptop or pc with sound up!

halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
Bren alice patreon
ghost pix album ~ rpg videogame screenshots, lol kitties & all kinds of goodies.. (use a pc or laptop to hear my game mix here)

home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space


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« an uninvited guest.. | Main | i am a wicked child.. »

April 08, 2007


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i lost you there in a moment of truth...that is a freakin awesome line. The whole thing is great actually :) happy Easter! I saw a full grown man in a bunny suit but no actually real bunnies. I did snuggle with Luna lots though. Ever feel like you just want to impale yourself? I do. Like if I could just stab through the festering blackness inside then maybe it would drain away and i'd finally be rid of it. I've been drinking a bit lately too which I guess really doesn't help matters. Sometimes it just makes the crazy a little quieter. I don't know if you like to watch movies but I saw Reign Over Me (3 times actually) with Adam Sandler. It's really good but it is kind of scary to see someone acting crazy and realizing you do those things all the time. And I depend on Sam more and more and everyday he is more real. I"m pretty sure my therapist hates me too. She is so nice and normal why would she want to talk to someone like me. I just feel so weird. I see people walking around when i'm out and i don't feel like I belong. Like they are these other beings and somehow I ended up among them. It all just seems unreal. Like watching a very odd movie. Well, enough of my babbling. How are you?? I hope this Easter finds you good and happy! My fat ass spent the day eating jelly beans but I managed to get to yoga class and bike for an hour and do ab exercises so hopefully I counterbalanced the fatness. How are the kitties?! Luna sends them some moew love. Ugh, now I've just got to get through sunday night. sunday nights are always hard. thank god for monday mornings. And thank god I can write to rock babe!! very much so :) Well Happy Happy Easter and talk to you soon...Tracy


i empathize with all of your feelings of alienation among the 3D ones..
and angst in therapy is my middle name.. i never could resolve that little agony.
i don't remember ever feeling like impaling myself.. at worst i've felt like causing an injury of some kind like
crashing, falling, bone-breaking.. worst i've ever done is bash myself in the head with a big glass apothecary jar.. i learned that it didn't help.. gave me a hell of a headache..
so i try to paint or write it out as graphically as i need to instead.. and i have bloody pages going back decades in my journals.. sounds weird, but it's true..
i love opeth.. the softer songs.. not really the heavy rock ones.. i have a few live songs by them on my youtubes (down the ghost library..)
for easter dinner i roasted a turkey breast and made lowfat gravy, mashed potatoes, stuffing, etc.. tabitha has been beside herself all day.. hopelessly turkeyholic and NOT working her steps at all.. poor dear! she's cleaning gravy off of her mane right now contently though..
we're psyched because tonight the sopranos finally comes back on.. my favorite show though is deadwood.. i can't wait for it to come back on.. i can't resist al swearingin and his wicked wit and use of language.. hehe.. the lawless wild west..
i used to play texas holdem over at the gem saloon on the hbo site with him and trixie and e.b. farnum.. but i won all their dough, burned down the place and got my initials in the list of champs.. so.. hehe..
i tried adding a video to my myspace page (it's so lame 'cause i always use this blog.. but now that christopher walken is my buddy..?)the video didn't load after many tries, so oh well.. it's in my youtubes here though.. it's a reading i did of poe's poem, ulalume.. last halloween.. in vampiric nightshot..
i live as a vampire in elder scrolls oblivion.. the rpg i'm always lost in.. right now i'm in this place called the hill of suicides in the land of dementia.. i love it here!
vampirism suits me well..
i have a monk i keep penned and asleep for feeding and then there's always my housekeeper.. she sleeps in my basement and doesn't suspect a thing..
life is good in oblivion..
well, happy easter to you too and miss luna.. (miss?)
hang in there,


Hey ghost...thanks. really. I can't say much, it's bed time but I just have to say the fact the you have Shadowgate on your games list just yet again reminds me how cool you are. I spent SOOO much time pouring over that game in my neighbors basement...that and i think it might have been called uninvited. those games rocked!! nite - Tracy


i'm sitting here unable to go to sleep listening to the ghostunes mix.. had to hear the last bauhaus song.. bela lugosi's dead.
i'm dead i'm dead i'm dead.
i snuck some great chris vrenna tunes from the alice game in the mix too..
i remember uninvited.. very much like shadowgate, same company made it and another called deja vu..
shadowgate is the one that got me hooked! all those many hours i spent in the middle of the night in that castle!
ahh.. but it is good to be nocturnal..
my son is a block off the old chip.. it's in his dna?
we have a 'game gallery' which is a dvd of our games from nes all the way to present.. it is hours and hours.. we have tons!
it's positively unhealthy..
but i'm ok with that..
i love them.
you rock too, kiddo!


i needed a place to whimper.. i'm in pain.. geez, pain is my life, migraines and pain, mental and physical.. i need better drugs!!
long history of stomach problems means i can't take aspirin or ibuprofen and going off caffiene for 5 years made it so now i can't take much caffiene like in excedrin without feeling awful.. the real painkillers knock me out and i hate the feeling, maybe it's my heart/anemia? it suppresses my respiration i guess.. so i'm always stuck in such fucking pain! stringing out pathetic tylenol..
it's my cross to bear in life i suppose.. at times i think god must truly be punishing me, and i don't deserve the things i have.. i hope that if i am being punished that it means he will also punish the ones who did Me harm?
i cannot leave my kitties, but i constantly beg for an escape from this world. if you are not loved.. then why be? it's just a long frightening cruel nightmare. it's worst at night.
yesterday i helped a would-be suicide in oblivion.. i pushed him off a ledge.. he thanked me with his dying breath.

if you're ever in the land of dementia be sure to visit my friend, cutter, in the town of crucible.. she's extra special with sharp things..
just tell her a little ghost sent you..


i had a little nervous/mental collapse the other night..
well.. not that little..
nightmares, panic attacks and migraine all seemed to build up into a major panic attack where i could not think right or calm my pathetic self..
suicidal dreams over and over..
good news is my unlucky charm design made it into the top 4.. but one of the 2 people handling voting has had it out for me from day one.. don't know why.. just another random person that decides to hate me?
hope voting is fair..
oh well..
ghost of a ghost


Hi. Do you hate me now?


i got the feeling you were pissed off.. fed up and through with me. busy with new things? i dunno.. we've missed you at the board..


hey ghost...i'm so sorry you're in so much pain. i hate to think of it really. it's so unfair that you have to hurt bc you are way too awesome. i hope you feel ok after the mental bad stuff. i feel you on the needing better pills. my psych won't prescribe ativan and xanax at the same time but i really love both so now i'm screwed. well, i guess i love them in a zombie trance sort of way. sometimes if i take to much i fall asleep but then sort of wake up mentally but am unable to move physically and it's SO scary. like you aren't in your body. shadowgate was so great. me and my neighbors ran up this huge bill calling the nintendo power hotline looking for hints. nothing much new by me. felt really shitty today. i don't like the idea that if i kill myself i might hurt other people. i hate hurting people. but sometimes the pain is just so bad that it makes sense and that if these people cared they'd want it for me to, to end the pain and all. it all just ends up with me cutting lots. my psych said i shouldn't cut bc it's abnormal. now i just feel like a bigger freak. that and i talk to myself and to sam all the time. no wonder people don't come near me. and i definitely sympathize on the god thing. if he is so benevolent and caring why make us drown in suffering? i've been feeling like a ghost lately. i feel totally dissociated from my life. that and i play so many parts to please so many people i don't even know who i am anymore. and the hospital looms closer. i have been drawing some which is nice. i'm drawing a picture of alice in wonderland and a picture of a fairy. i'll have to scan them in when i'm done and show you. if you want i mean, i don't want to bug you. bah, i'm babbling again. it's just nice to talk to someone. i spend most of the day in my own head. i'm supposed to be increasing my dose of geodon this week. i haven't though and my psych is gonna be pissed. it's just that sam didn't want me to and i'm so scared to lose him. he's angry and scary but at least he's company. i know i sound totally crazy. i'm sorry. i don't even know what i'm thinking anymore. i really hope this finds you well and doing something fun and life playing old nes games (i also loved adventure island). talk to you soon...tracy


thanks for caring about my pain.. physically it has ebbed and the guinness people have been contacted in regards to my migraine being possibly the longest on record.. i jest.. but seriously.. i'm more aware than ever that my life is an ongoing cycle of fear, pain and shame.. then fear again, shame and pain twice.. then back to fear for a bit.. you get the idea..
thank goodness bdhp likes me the way i am with all my dark eccentricities intact.. today he took me cemetery hopping for some more pix for the cemeteria album.. (he went off looking for his long lost relatives there and i followed crows around..) it was beautiful there..
i don't think there's anything abnormal about si.. it's not 'good' in that i believe it's a poor coping tool.. like the last one we have and we wish we had better.. but not abnormal.. in fact animals do it when put into inescapable stress.. it's like nature's last ditch effort to self-soothe.. if only we internalized the ability to self-soothe from reliable loving caretakers.. then we'd have better tools.. that's all..
come around anytime here and don't worry about 'babbling'.. it's all good;)it doesn't bug me a bit..
and i definitely want to see the alice picture!
p.s. we went out and bought all new fancy 'spa select' kitty food today for our girls.. $ ug.
they eat better than me now..


another update..
you never know what.. or who you'll stumble into in the cemeteria..


it's so grey here.. hailstorms yesterday and today.. i love it.. actual seasons instead of the land of summer.. i don't miss la at all..
only 20 days to go till new moon!
i ordered a cd & vinyl from 'kill rock stars' the co. that produced elliott smith's early albums.. i can't wait.. i'll put up the whole thing in the ghostunes mix here..
when elliott would sing his songs you could feel every word.. i miss him being in the world. it's too lonely here.


^^how weird..
my ghost left a ghost?
i didn't do that..

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cat girl

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lost & found toys

Plague dr
the lost album - click to enter my current photo album here.. (sound up)
click to visit my old around the bend album (sound up) photos by ghost 2019 all rights reserved
Note: if the audio does not play on this & other albums please go directly to the ghost gallery or photo album page links in the header, the audio plays perfectly at my website :)

a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
  • beezorch daddy-o! go! kitty, go!
  • ffft! hiss! spit! rah! kill! maim!
  • crank up your speakers!!

little friends..

back in the day ~
back when i was still a snowballinhell, including tabitha's kittens & little daniel..
copyright 2008 all rights reserved

friendlyghost fun & games!!


lost hollow digital art album ~
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved

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