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this is in fact the scroll that hangs framed on my bedroom wall..
full instructions in case anyone decides to take pity on my soul and drive a stake through my heart..?
curious links:
if you haven't read bram stoker's dracula then consider yourself a deprived person..
also if you do nothing else, please visit dear bela at lugosi.com or i'll be ashamed of you..
find madame talbot's victorian lowbrow & other links down left in the ghost library.. ghost
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in limbo/radiohead
xxx
xxx
xxx
i'm on your side..
nowhere to hide..
trapdoors that open..
i spiral down..
<<<you're living in a fantasy world..>>>
<<<<<you're living in a fantasy world..>>>>>
i'm lost at sea..
don't bother me..
i've lost my way..
i've lost my way..
<<<you're living in a fantasy world..>>>
<<<<you're living in a fantasy world..>>>>
<<you're living in a fantasy world..>>
in this beautiful world..
xxxxxcome back...xxxxx
xxxxcome baack...xxxxx
xxcome baaaack...xxxxx
ghost & toxic
<friends til we die>
p.s. there are freshly unearthed cemeteria pix..
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Stained Glass Eyes
people sink your boat
when you cut a tragic figure
they drink their lemonade
and throw you a line
boil your problem down
to yes and no, what's the matter?
they bomb your promenade
and this makes it shine
so you must play the comic if they want one
and describe their moment when they're in one
people pass you by
passing up the chance to know you
they're irregular in the usual way
you should crack a smile once in a while
it makes you pretty
it makes you wanna give them a piece of your mind
but they can't be people.. not if i'm one
if i have to be like them i'd rather be no one
couldn't make the scene
not with all the people looking
all these connoisseurs on guard all the time
rather spend the day blank as hell by the window
looking out of my stained glass eyes
not that it matters..
but i'm through with the 3D world.. no surprise.. i mean i've been agoraphobic for many years.. but i mean i'm done with people in the outside world. i can barely navigate myself safely in the online world, let alone out there.. other than my guys & kitties i haven't spoken to anyone 3D since i saw my dr for my overdue physical.. that was necessary, but i'm not going back unless it's an emergency. i'm classic/textbook.. i know i am a recluse by every definition and i don't care anymore. it may be lonely but it's better than being out there exposed to the overall meanspiritedness and abuse from others.
i'm 41 years old.. i feel like i have to remind others that i'm not a moron because i have emotional issues from my early life.. i was a national merit commended student.. (toxic had to have an iq > 140 just to get into the elementary school classes she did..) i kept my mouth shut and kept everything secret so i'd appear acceptable and pass in the world.. but i've never had the skin to deal with others. (i only have skin if i drink enough alcohol to keep ahead of my metabolism..)
like invisible walking wounded.. the damage done to me can't be seen so it shouldn't matter. it hurts though. they all say there are good people out there.. and i believe that.. but i'll never survive the swim in these shark infested waters safely to land. some wounds leave a blood trail.. and many people feel that our valid response to the environment in which we have lived is a sickness.. that if we can't be fixed we should remain secret and hidden from view.
i can't even get away from it in the elliott smith forums i go to.. today i watched a fellow si'er be the subject of a kind of witch hunt.. i completely agree that her si has no place in that forum and tried to post some si support links and info.. which were deleted immediately with the entire thread by the ones who decide what can be talked about. at another smith forum i ran across a thread called 'fucking cutters' soon after i'd joined.. i worried it was due to me and my website/blog link, but others said no, that i'd been perfectly polite, etc.. but the cuts of others are always sharper than any blade we choose to cut ourselves.. and even not being the target of these things i feel the fallout of everyone's hate.
i don't find it to be in the spirit of elliott smith at all.
i've lived a decent life and raised a son, i try not to hurt anyone, i've devoted half of my life trying to get the 'help' that everyone so easily directs you to seek.. i'm done with that, too. i'm broke now.. and tired of being tranq'd to unconsciousness or sick from meds that make everything worse.. done with having 'pros' fill in all the blanks with their blind opinions.. ask around.. no one has tried harder to support/be supported/cope.. and i'm here just like the rest of you.. born to live my life the best i can with what i was given.. i exist. same as you. so keep away from me and i'll most definitely keep away from you too..
motherfuckers.
we are hated as cutters, you know..
abominable wretched human beings..
we're lower than addicts..
it's no world for me and mine.
i reject it.
ghost
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daily smith/my new freedom
you can go anytime you want
i won't watch if it hurts too much
if you stay.. i promise you i'll be
better to you.. better to me..
been out to celebrate my new freedom
with a drink to you
'cause you made it new
and i hate the people a through z..
everything.. everything.
i know how to celebrate my new freedom
forget other stuff
if i drink enough to pretend
that i got people too
people i know.. who care what i do
you were trying to be nice
but i never asked for your advice
i know how to handle the situation
how to be discreet and admit defeat
you can go..
and i'll say what i should:
"i'm doin' okay, pretty good"
ghost
xxx
xxx
xxx
'red is the color that she dreams about..
and you're black & white..
it makes her cry..'
p.s.
come haunt with me..
see the 'cemeteria' album left
buried just under mr poe..
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smith/from a poison well
i'm a ghostwriter
for an ocean in a shell
from a poison well
in a corridor
by a picture in a frame
of a man with no name
don't get backed into a corner
talking to yourself
come on back to me
my bright tomorrow
if you feel hollow
well it's probably 'cause you are
well at least so far..
i think of you with hesitation
i think of you too hard
come on back to me
but don't make me sorry
i'm a ghostwriter
for an ocean in a shell
from a poison well
from a poison well
blow up the outside world/soundgarden
nothing seems to kill me
no matter how hard i try..
nothing is closing my eyes
nothing can beat me down
for your pain or delight
no.. nothing seems to break me
no matter how far i fall
nothing can break me at all
not one for giving up
though not invincible.. i know..
i've given everything i need
i'd give you everything i own
i'd give in
if it could at least be ours alone
i've given everything i could
to blow it to hell and gone
burrow down in and
blow up the outside
blow up the outside
blow up the outside world..
someone tried to tell me something
don't let the world bring you down
nothing can do me in before i do myself
so save it for your own
and the ones you can help.. no..
i've given everything i need
i'd give you everything i own
i'd give in if it could at least be ours alone
i've given everything i could
to blow it to hell and gone
burrow down in and
blow up the outside
blow up the outside
blow up the outside world..
want to make it understood
wanting though i never would
trying though i know it's wrong
blowing it to hell and gone
wishing though i never could
blow up the outside
blow up the outside
blow up the outside
blow up the outside world..
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