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a ghost.. a real ghost.. has no need to die.. what is he except a being without access to the universe that he has not yet managed to forget?
~ randall jarrell

i officially talk to myself here in the comments, or to visitors as long as they're not robots.. any comments are welcome ;)
In limbo
rows of never opened doors:
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2019 brenda roudebush
all rights reserved..

ghost stories
(blood & butterflies..)

  • these are excerpts from the book toxic & i wrote about our childhood... it's called 'brenda was here'.. let me know what you think/comments? p.s. stories here are non fiction/true. (privately hosted ~ if you're interested in reading this just ask:)

ghost toy catalogue

  • spookytown
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    ~ copyright 2011 all rights reserved
the friendlyghost album ~ welcome to my photo album..
we live in wonderland.. :)
i hope you enjoy me & my guys & kitties, the places we go & things we enjoy..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
Beloved sleep
cemeteria album ~
remember me as you pass by.. as you are now so once was i.. as i am now so you will be.. prepare for death and follow me..
~ copyright 2008 all rights reserved
family tree album ~
this addition to the cemeteria album is especially for my own lost loved ones..
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a POEtry reading...

elliott smith & portland

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is mr smith haunting portland? come see snaps of elliott smith landmarks & other local spots..
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things behind the sun (journals)
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ghost at the gate's items Go to ghost at the gate's photostream
Laurelhurst trees
january trees album ~
january trees ~ winter shows her bones.. the tree is the psyche, the spirit, the whole self.. our inner world..
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toxic was here ~
vintage socal, birthdays & halloweens..
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halloween mini album ~
~ copyright 2015 all rights reserved
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home to oblivion..

  • ok i need a whole section just for elder scrolls~oblivion 'cause i'm playing it and loving it way too much right now.. i am so beautifully lost here living as a vampire & i'm never coming back.
    later ~ 430 hours of gameplay all as a vampire & now i'm stuck in limbo in the deadly glitch.. noooo!!
    update: i'm on the methadone of rpgs for my oblivion withdrawls, it's predecessor morrowind ~ the game of the year edition.. these are now my All-Time favorite rpgs, above all others..
    SKYRIM!! 11/11/11!! DAWNGUARD DLC!!
    & more dlc to come!
    the awful tyranny of the sun shall end..

  • come into oblivion with me & tour my homes.. (note: vampirism has changed my appearance & my invisibility is due to stealth..)

  • so many ways to die..

  • realms of madness..

  • a friend in highcross town..

  • bonus morrowind footage..

  • welcome to skyrim..

ghost closet...

haunted home movies..

ghost charity

ghost space

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March 07, 2007


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for the second time now i've dreamed that i was bleeding from my eyes..


ok.. so last night i dreamed i was finding my way out of this elaborate winchester mystery style mansion into victorian streets.. i was looking for one of the other huge estates that had no one home so i could hide inside.. to steal stuff? then i was feeding these little vampire bats from a bleeding severed finger i was holding out to them.. the blood was in color, i noticed this as it spilled when i went from one to the other..


ok.. ok.. so i guess i need real analysis on these dreams of blood..
last night i had a dream i was attending a gothic college of some kind studying surgery & art and i cut a deep cut in my finger and bled profusely all over an art design we were working on.. then when it started to throb and wouldn't stop bleeding i had to wrap in in papertowels.. i told someone there that my attic was full of valuable intricately carved wood lions and gargoyles.. ?!!
at least the last 2 dreams were not unpleasant like the first one.. still..?


Hey ghost...those are some serious dreams!! I like how the blood was used to feed the little bats. Kind of life giving. Bleeding from the eyes...well, i'm with you on that one - kinda scary. blood is such a life force though that they could be positive dreams. Ugh, i figured i'd share my horrendous weekend with you. I had just had one of my meds increased and prozac added and all of last week i knew that something was just wrong. I just didn't feel right at all. then on friday i started shaking and trembling and then just couldn't stop moving. it went on for hours until i was finally taken into the emergency room at like 5pm. it hurt so bad bc my muscles were so tired. it took some cogentrin (sp?) and ativan to finally make it all stop. i ended up staying in the hospital friday, saturday and sunday. it was definitely scary. and then they psych evaluated me on the way out. of course i lied and said nothing about si or any other crazy thoughts bc i didn't want to get thrown in the psych ward. and now i'm all dependent on the ativan to keep the shakes away. it was horrible. they think it was serotonin syndrome (too much serotonin). now my geodon is back down and no more prozac. then tonight i saw my shrink and she totally bugged out about the cutting and made me show her everywhere i had cut and said that i have to stop or she'll have to do something like tell my family (ew!!!) or involuntarily admit me. my psych i think was hoping they would see my cuts and admit me while i was in there. i swear they are like all after me. i feel so scared bc i thought i could trust them but now i don't want to tell them anything!! and of course all this stress has just made me cut more. grrr. I"m sorry to have babbled on but i so know you understand this stuff and i feel so alone. everyone just thinks i'm some sort of dysfunctional defect. and so what if i si...isn 't it my choice? i'm not hurting anyone. i'm just so confused. sometimes i wish i could just morph into the background so no one could see me. i've been trying to give luna lots of hugs. i missed her so much while i was in the hospital. oh well...i have to get to bed. i hope you're great and gives the kitties hugs for me. -Tracy


wow.. tracy.. when i left that message for you to 'have fun' i didn't mean That kinda fun! ;)
it makes me mad when they overmedicate and piggyback the drugs like that.. you have to sometimes question when they do it, and make sure they know what you're already taking, you know?
watch it even with the ativan.. my sister had a really bad reaction to it and i'll never forget it..

do you go to see your therapist regularly? why would she need to have you admitted? maybe this is the wrong match for a therapist.. i dunno, but i think you should be seeing someone you can be a bit more open about the si with.. someone who gets it more.. because you don't want to get admitted and leave luna missing you, right? :(
i'm so sorry you went through that, it sounds awful..
keep trying to find the best alternatives you can to the cutting.. that's what gets me through.. i know sometimes journaling and art/poetry feels lame, it's not the same thing, but i think it's a good way to start.. i wish you had a more knowledgeable therapist who could help you with it.. mine tried, but never really wanted to deal with it i think, i think it scared her.. you know to us it is about our pain & anxiety, but to the others it just seems nuts..
i finally understand that..
well, write anytime you need me to talk to, ok?
take it easy..
oh yeah, and cool beans!


meh.. today i'm in one bad ffucking mood.. thoughts of cutting again.


i follow my own lame advice and this time it worked.. no cutting yet.
yesterday bdhp told me i look 'too skinny'.. not true but it really made me feel better anyway..



i spoke too soon.
i realize today how glad i am to be able to remain removed from interacting with the humans in the outside world.
the idea of openness and hope of understanding was a bad one.. i guess some things are just meant to be kept secret.
except in here of course..
where i'm no one..
ghost residue left from what used to be someone?
a lovely deep cut cured me today.. deep enough to cause a regular dizzy spell..
i've given up on all else.. and rightly so..
i already have the cure for my many ills.

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lost & found toys

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a handful of applecores a mouthful of razorblades

  • i am friendly ~ but i have edges..
  • seeing is deceiving..
  • $@x!^&*#%!/
  • love bites.
  • life sucks.
  • "but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.
    "oh, you can't help that," said the Cat:
    "we're all mad here.
    i'm mad. you're mad."
    "how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice.
    "you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
    Alice didn't think that proved it at all;
    however, she went on "and how do you know that you're mad?"
    "to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant that?"
    "i suppose so," said Alice.
    "well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased.
    Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.."
  • but why is the rum gone?!
  • ***triggering!! don't look!!!*** (you looked..)
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back in the day ~
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  • lunacy..
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